How would you feel?

[ScorpioGirl]

What do you want to do? That is the million dollar question.

You could sit on this and note his behavior. See if his actions match his words. Listen with your eyes as well as your head and heart.

Give yourself some time to chill a bit to sort things out in your head. Actually not a bad idea considering he did ask you for a divorce. You may feel like you are living in an alternate reality at the moment.

You could also prepare yourself (financially/legally) in case he asks for a divorce again. Considering the circumstances you posted here, I think it would be a smart thing to do. You stated you have children and you have to look out for them as well as yourself.

(HUGS)

Thank you! This is pretty much exactly what I am doing. I am keeping my head cold and my heart warm. If his actions match his words I am here. There is nothing I want more. But I will not continue to be married to someone who isn't sure he wants me just until he finds someone else.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think you can't have a marriage without trust.

I have always felt that if a time ever comes that DH ever questions his feelings for me, then that's the end. It's not fair to either person if both aren't in it 100%.

As for being upset that he "liked" some girl's photo... That screams insecure to me(and you seem justified to feel that way so please don't take that as an insult). Insecurity isn't a good look for anyone and I think it really causes problems for both people in the marriage.

Agree on all counts.

 

[ScorpioGirl]

Agree on all counts.

And so did I. Right until I was faced with the situation...

 

[RadioNate]

I can totally see why you would say that. To tell you the truth, he's the one who felt he shouldn't be chatting to her and says that that is why he stopped and deleted the chat. Apart from that we have always had total transparency regarding our computers/phones. Everything has always been open and both can see what the other one is up to. I don't have his password (although he has mine) so it's not like I'm spying on everything he does.

The part of being suffocating and obsessive is also partially true. I have never been a jealous person and for the first 15 years of our marriage I never felt I had the need to. But after he started lying to me, doubting our marriage and then telling me he loves me and that I have nothing to be worried about I have become utterly confused. This confusion has unfortunately led to me being very insecure about him and quite obsessive.

Here is my opinion, greatly colored by my own experience. Your husband is not committed to your marriage. He's not. He is lying and generally being shady. You are not crazy or insecure, you are in an insecure situation. You may have "trust issues" because you are dealing with an untrustworthy person.

This is affair behavior 101. Make the spouse think they are the one with the problem to 'hide' your guilt. Make them the bad guy so you don't have to feel bad about your behavior.

Trust your gut, and your gut is telling you that something shady is going on so you are going to act like a crazy person (stalking FB, over reacting to "likes," checking cel phone records, 'hacking' email accounts... ) until you get the truth or drive him completely away. Gaslighting at it's finest.

I suggest the website Surviving Infidelity. I also suggest making a plan for YOU. What do YOU want. You can't save a marriage alone and right now he isn't doing the work needed to reestablish trust.

Make YOUR plan. Act in your best interest. If he comes around, great but no amount of begging and insecurity and FB stalking is going to make that happen. So for YOUR sanity, stop.

 

[ScorpioGirl]

Here is my opinion, greatly colored by my own experience. Your husband is not committed to your marriage. He's not. He is lying and generally being shady. You are not crazy or insecure, you are in an insecure situation. You may have "trust issues" because you are dealing with an untrustworthy person.

This is affair behavior 101. Make the spouse think they are the one with the problem to 'hide' your guilt. Make them the bad guy so you don't have to feel bad about your behavior.

Trust your gut, and your gut is telling you that something shady is going on so you are going to act like a crazy person (stalking FB, over reacting to "likes," checking cel phone records, 'hacking' email accounts... ) until you get the truth or drive him completely away. Gaslighting at it's finest.

I suggest the website Surviving Infidelity. I also suggest making a plan for YOU. What do YOU want. You can't save a marriage alone and right now he isn't doing the work needed to reestablish trust.

Make YOUR plan. Act in your best interest. If he comes around, great but no amount of begging and insecurity and FB stalking is going to make that happen. So for YOUR sanity, stop.

Thank you!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't have a lot of advice for you. I've been blessed with having parents who have never divorced and haven't had any major problems with my marriage. I'm trying not to brag, I'm just saying I can't relate.

I have one observations:

Is there anything else wrong with him? Is he struggling with depression and relates it to your marriage? He's unhappy with something with his life, is he sure it's you? Maybe it's his job? Or where you are currently living? This might be a mid-life crisis thing.

I'd seek marriage counseling.

 

[MissVeronica]

I would do two things:

1. I would set up an appointment with a marriage counselor to see if we could try to work through our issues.

2. I would also make an appointment with a divorce lawyer to make sure I was on the best footing possible if no. 1 did not work.

(((Hugs))) Good luck.

 

[worm761]

I have no advice for you. But I do have a few questions you should probably think about.

You stated that you think your marriage is worth working on. Is that really what you want? Or is it that you have invested 20 years of your life in this marriage and it is hard to let go of it? Is it because of the kids? How is this situation affecting the kids?

When I left my ex it was hard. Really really hard. And scary. I didn't hate him. We are still friends. But the two of us in a relationship together was just not a good idea. It is so much easier to end a relationship when you are hurt and angry. I know that I stayed longer than I should have but I eventually asked myself basically those same questions just with different numbers and whatnot.

What is best for you? What is best for the kids?

 

[ScorpioGirl]

I have no advice for you. But I do have a few questions you should probably think about.

You stated that you think your marriage is worth working on. Is that really what you want? Or is it that you have invested 20 years of your life in this marriage and it is hard to let go of it? Is it because of the kids? How is this situation affecting the kids?

When I left my ex it was hard. Really really hard. And scary. I didn't hate him. We are still friends. But the two of us in a relationship together was just not a good idea. It is so much easier to end a relationship when you are hurt and angry. I know that I stayed longer than I should have but I eventually asked myself basically those same questions just with different numbers and whatnot.

What is best for you? What is best for the kids?

I truly and honestly still believe that staying together and WORKING on our marriage (both of us) is best for all of us IF he still loves me like he says he does and we manage to work on our trust issues and what caused them. The reason I haven't left is no because I am too scared to. Financially I would probably even be better off. It is plain and simply because I still feel the good far outweighs the bad and that the bad is something I believe we can overcome if we're both willing to do the work.

 

[lisaviolet]

We have had many heavy discussions revolving around him not seeing a future with me in it and how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later.

He is not my husband and these lines make me want to throw up, ScorpioGirl. I'm sorry to be so graphic but I think the key is that no matter what the two of you do, or better yet what you decide about your marriage and not wait on him on these issues, you need to take back your power ASAP.(I know that is not an easy thing at times. We have all been in situations where we gave our power away for far too long. All of us. )

This should clearly be a type of discussion where instantly you say *this is not okay with me* firmly and definitively - he should be figuring all this out on his own and not including you in this mess in his head, because you don't deserve to hear his thought process. You used the words that there have been many heavy discussions in this area. What? Nope. NO WAY. Do not allow him to be so selfish to put that on you, no matter what you decide about your future together. That is simply not okay. And I would think that it would be difficult to get those words out of one's head.

I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with all of this.

Everyone deserves a relationship where the other thinks, in general , we are the greatest thing on earth, even when we're clearly not. Everyone.

 

[MomiTo2SwtGuys]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. But, if my dh wasn't fully invested in our marriage, I would be seeking marriage counseling.

Maybe if there is a middle man, he can express feelings better and so can you.

I don't know that I could stay with someone who is uncertain if they want to be with me or not.

Either way it goes, you are in my prayers.

 

[Andtototoo]

How would I feel?

I'd feel pretty lousy being someone's "maybe" when they are my "forever." I'd feel pretty lousy waiting around for him to decide if I'm worth staying with. I'd feel pretty lousy knowing I was on "probation" while he decided if I was worth it. Then I'd wonder just how long I'm going to have to wait around or am I only waiting until he finds my replacement? Then I'd wonder how many years I'd waste of the present while he wondered if I was going to be in his future? Then I'd wonder why I gave up my power, why I didn't think better of myself and why I didn't think I deserved more.

 

[Tuffcookie]

How would I feel?

I'd feel pretty lousy being someone's "maybe" when they are my "forever." I'd feel pretty lousy waiting around for him to decide if I'm worth staying with. I'd feel pretty lousy knowing I was on "probation" while he decided if I was worth it. Then I'd wonder just how long I'm going to have to wait around or am I only waiting until he finds my replacement? Then I'd wonder how many years I'd waste of the present while he wondered if I was going to be in his future? Then I'd wonder why I gave up my power, why I didn't think better of myself and why I didn't think I deserved more.

You said a mouthful!

TC

 

[jillybabe]

OP, I would feel betrayed but I also would choose my own sanity over anything else. I can't be with anyone I dont trust at this point and if I have to monitor your online behavior, we have a big problem

 

[PlutoPony]

Have you discussed going to marriage counseling? Do you think it would be worthwhile for you two together? Is this something he is willing to do?

 

[MickeySP]

Thank you! This is pretty much exactly what I am doing. I am keeping my head cold and my heart warm. If his actions match his words I am here. There is nothing I want more. But I will not continue to be married to someone who isn't sure he wants me just until he finds someone else.

I think that is what you might be though. You say "how afraid he is to take the plunge, get divorced and then regret it later." I don't know what else that can mean except he wants to line up the next before leaving the now.
How long are you going to wait for him to decide?

Here is my opinion, greatly colored by my own experience. Your husband is not committed to your marriage. He's not. He is lying and generally being shady. You are not crazy or insecure, you are in an insecure situation. You may have "trust issues" because you are dealing with an untrustworthy person.

This is affair behavior 101. Make the spouse think they are the one with the problem to 'hide' your guilt. Make them the bad guy so you don't have to feel bad about your behavior.

Trust your gut, and your gut is telling you that something shady is going on so you are going to act like a crazy person (stalking FB, over reacting to "likes," checking cel phone records, 'hacking' email accounts... ) until you get the truth or drive him completely away. Gaslighting at it's finest.

I suggest the website Surviving Infidelity. I also suggest making a plan for YOU. What do YOU want. You can't save a marriage alone and right now he isn't doing the work needed to reestablish trust.

Make YOUR plan. Act in your best interest. If he comes around, great but no amount of begging and insecurity and FB stalking is going to make that happen. So for YOUR sanity, stop.

ITA! Also if he tries to deflect that your looking at his FB or anything is a flaw of your, easy question. "Who & what put us here?"

 

[JanaDee]

How would I feel?

I'd feel pretty lousy being someone's "maybe" when they are my "forever." I'd feel pretty lousy waiting around for him to decide if I'm worth staying with. I'd feel pretty lousy knowing I was on "probation" while he decided if I was worth it. Then I'd wonder just how long I'm going to have to wait around or am I only waiting until he finds my replacement? Then I'd wonder how many years I'd waste of the present while he wondered if I was going to be in his future? Then I'd wonder why I gave up my power, why I didn't think better of myself and why I didn't think I deserved more.

 

[Sabeking]

I'm sorry! Something that jumps out at me is if he is truly invested, liking a young lady's picture at a time in a marriage crisis no matter how innocent is inappropriate. As a spouse who knew my husband/wife had trust issues I would do whatever it took to leave no room for misinterpretation if I were really invested in working it out. I hope you all figure it out.

 

[nugov2]

I haven't read through all the responses, but first I want to say I am sorry. I can't imagine what a difficult time this is. My opinion is that your life and your children's happiness if far too important to be wasted in a marriage like you have described. He is robbing all of you of a life of true happiness. Your kids will pick up on this if they don't already and IMO kids are more damaged by growing up in a house where parents are unhappy in a marriage that doesn't work vs growing up in two healthy and happy homes that are separate. You only get one life and it deserves to be a happy one shared with someone who truly loves and respects you...which he does not.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that he "has" to network on Facebook for his job. Most people who network for work use LinkedIn, and at least for me, that is strictly business.

In terms of business networking on Facebook, I either see businesses having their own pages that people "Like" or celebs having a page that you can "Like." I've never once heard of becoming an actual friend with someone for a business reason.

What does your DH do for a living?