How would you feel???

[cheermom1]

This thread hits very close to home. My mother died at 63, after being married to my stepdad for 11 years, I was her only child. She always said that she would leave everything to me, but I thought she was joking, it turns out she wasn't. I guess she thought she would outlive her husband (he was 8 years older than her). Funny thing is they drafted their wills together, but in his he left half of what he had to my mother and the other half to his three kids. In the end I felt so bad that I suggested giving him half but he said that he didn't wanted it or need it. I knew how much my mother loved his 5 grandkids, so each of them got 10%.

I never expected anything from my mother, all I wanted from her was her acceptance and her approval, but I guess that was her way of saying "I love you". I would give it all back just for a couple more of years with her.


So basically he's divorced from his kids also?

I kinda thought that too.

Oh for goodness sake quite assuming things!

I read it as the assets were split at divorce and he is now currently paying child support.

You are right. He does pay his child support and all insurance and half of all medical and sees his kids all the time! I meant with savings and retirement. Man i don;t understand why some people have to automatically assume certain things.

 

[Inigo]

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

I think you're completely unreasonable. The money belonged to your mother. She had the right to leave it to anyone she chose, and she chose to leave it to her spouse. That's all that needs to be said.

 

[tinkerbell198530]

I would want it split in half but that is just me

 

[NHdisneylover]

Amen! Thank you for understanding. I'm not money hungry and would much rather have my Mom instead. All I know is that I will not do that to my children. They will inherit everything of mine once I am gone. I am not angry at my Mom (God rest her soul) I am just hurt. Period!

I am sorry you are hurt. It is really too bad that your mother worked so hard to raise you on her own and do so much for you and this is the feeling you are left with. I truly hope as the grieving process continues taht you feel differently.

It makes perfect sense to me if it is a late life second marriage with both spouses coming to the marriage with their own assets.

It was not THAT late in life )mid 50s for one and apprently younger, maybe 40s for the other). I also cannot see myself ever in a marriage that I was not fully committed to emotional and financially--no matter how old I happened to be when I got married. I do not think everyone has to see it my way and I know many marriages that have more of a "business" (for lack of a better word coming to mind so early in the morning) arrangement to them than mine that work beautifully--but I think it is wrong to think that all second marriages, or older marriages HAVE to dealt with as secondary to the interests of GROWN children.

I disagree with you. There's no blanket statment about what always makes sense and what doesn't.

Example: Ed and Harriet are married 50 years and have three kids and a bunch of grands. Ed is the primary wage earner and leaves a comfy retirement, house, car, life insurance to Harriet, with the assumption that Harrriet will pass on those, say 300K worth of assets to thier children if she doesn't use them before she dies.

Harriet remarries a couple of years later to John. John has his own assets that he earned during his first marriage that he plans to pass on to his children.

Harriet and John are married three years before Harriet dies. You really think that John and subsequently his heirs are more entitled to the assets Harriet AND HER FIRST HUSBAND worked so hard for than Harriet's children? That makes NO sense at all to me.

Another example: Sara and Bill are divorced after 10 years of marriage and two kids. Sara marries Jim and Jim has two kids of his own. Sara and Jim are married 30 years before Sara dies. In this scenario it would make more sense to me that Sara would leave "her" assets to Jim for his life time and then thier entire estate be split among all the children. In this scenario where Sara and Jim have had a very long marriage and have built thier retirment funds together, it seems totally equitable and reasonable that the surviving spouse would inherit and then leave everything to all the kids involved.

I think this poster's situation is in between the two, right? Her mom was married for quite a while, but most of the assets were earned before the marriage and the persumably everything that her mom worked for would be left to her stepmom's heirs, which kind of sucks. None of that changes the fact that its her mom's to do with as she pleases, but it does indeed suck.

I really don't understand why some here are insisting that this poster has no right to feel a little hurt and that your way of interpreting how money ought to be left is the only reasonable way. I would argue that there is no ONE sensible way to leave assets, but that each case is different and depends on circumstance. Really, sitting on a high horse is nobody's best angle.

Your first scenario does not apply here at all. The mother in this case was a single mother who earned all of her assets herself while struggling to raise a child on her own. No one else's money or wishes was in any way involved (except those of the "new" spouse for the last 10 years).

I also do not get why everyone keeps bringing up that the OP is an only child and how they would feel AS ONLY CHILDREN I am an only child but I cannot see how that matters in this case one iota. Can someone please tell me what I am missing as to why being the only child makes you more entitled to your parent's money than if there were many children? It honestly just seems to be feeding the whole image people tend to have of only children as spoiled and entitled to me. Gosh, everything my parents did have to give when I was a kid (and while my parents were married we had a string of very lean years for a while with just scraping by and both gone for work and commuting from 5 am to 8 or 9 pm, canned soup for meals, etc. Poor happens sometimes when people are married too) I got the benefit of without having to share with a sibling. I got all of there attention too. SO, they have already given me PLENTY. I am not entitled to more once they are gone just because I had the good fortune of not sharing what they gave me with others when I was a kid.

 

[EllaM]

My grandfather remarried after my grandmother died. He and his 2nd wife (who never really was a step-grandmother to me) moved to Florida when I was small. A lot of his assets went to his 2nd wife and passed down to her heirs. He did set up bank accounts in each of his kids' names and gave them a little that way. His widow gave several of his family mementos to my uncle and through him to my dad and aunt.

None of his kids were really resentful. The biggest thing to bother them was that he moved away with her and spent less and less time with them. But then after my grandmother died, they had all left him to go start families. After a while, they each matured enough to realize he had to do what made him happy.

Isn't that what any loving parent and child would want for each other? The rest is just paper and stuff.

 

[bicker]

My parents, separated/divorced since 1974, consider the situation completely differently: One left all to children, split evenly, nothing to (second) spouse. The other is leaving all to (second) spouse. No harm; no foul. The day I turned 18 the obligations between parents and children started reversing. At the end of their lives, my obligation is far more so to see their wishes fulfilled than to see them fulfill my wishes.

 

[Allison]

Im sorry but your wrong....I grew up in a single parent home where my Mom had to work 2 jobs to support me. What kids contribute to their parents earnings??? Seriously????? I just feel that having the life with my MOm and going thru the hard times with her being a single MOm and never home for me and us having to go without gives me the right to her hard earned money. Her spouse walked into a gold mine. I'm more entitled to it than her in my opinion. I have no intention in disputing it or creating friction, this is just how i feel deep down. When her wife dies she will leave everything my Mom struggled and worked for to someone else. I feel as her only child that I am entitled to it. Agree or not it's the truth. Believe me.....I wish my MOm could have enjoyed it herself, it was unfair for her to die at 63 without warning after she just retired. It's not fair that she busted her a** her whole life to let someone else enjoy it. Thats what upsets me the most.

I'm sorry but I can't get past this post as it really bothers me. To me it comes across that you are resentful of your mom for working hard to provide for you and take care of you as a child and now she owes you in death for doing that.

I really hope it's because you are in the middle of grieving and will get beyond the feeling of being entitled.

Good luck.

 

[mumom95]

I'm sorry about your loss OP. My mother died at the age of 61 so I know what it's like to have a parent die before they should.

I think a lot of people would be upset and disappointed if the same thing had happened to them in regards to the will.

But, your mother worked hard her whole life and she left her money to the person she wanted it to go to.

I personally think it is pretty disrespectful of you to be slamming what she did on a message board.

 

[jodifla]

Of course in this case, the mom went on and on about how the daughter should get the father's money when he passed, and then didn't leave her daughter any money herself, which seems hypocritical.

It's interesting how parents just feel OK to cut off their kids as they get older. Neither my parents nor my husband's parents viewed their kids this way. They all helped us adult kids out financially, and the adult kids helped out in many other ways. We are very intertwined. In my parent's case, I was able to return the favor and step up and support them in their old age -- because they had helped me out and supported me when I was younger. It was a partnership that lasted their whole lives, and not just cut off when kids turned 18.

My assets do all go to my husband, my son's father. But if circumstances changed god forbid and I had a second marriage, my child would be recognized in my will, as would any grandchildren,in addition to my spouse. I'd want to do my best with any remaining assets to give them a extra boost in life. I can't imagine any parent doing anything less for their kids.

OP, sorry you are going through this. Both IRL and on this message board.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My inlaws (now just MIL) feel that since they have assets to leave DH inheritance... WE OWE THEM, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES... COMPLETE RESPECT AND SERVICE, NO MATTER WHAT, UNTIL THEY DIE. They have openly voiced 'entitlement'....

That, too, is just warped....



PS: Not to mention that they have set it up with DH's name on everything, and mine (even as the mother of their beloved grandchild) is notably excluded.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I'm sorry OP, , I think that it would be nice for a parent to leave something to their child and grandchildren as well as their new spouse. It's a little different if it is your other parent they are leaving everything to which I can understand, but when it is a second marriage (or third, etc.), I think everyone should be included.

I know a very wealthy man that passed away and he had kids with three women. He left everything to his third spouse, so she is leaving everything to their one child together. His other four kids will not get anything at all. I just don't understand this kind of thinking.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

This happened to us. My dad remarried and they had not reached their 5th anniversary when he passed away. His wife lives in the house that he shared with my mother for 39 years and raised 12 kids.

His will gave the house to her, and then to us kids on her death, but there is nothing in ther preventing her from selling it while she is alive or her willing it to one of her relatives. Leaving us with nothing.

We were really ticked off at first, but 6 years have gone by and we are over it. It's a house. A house that is not worth a lot of money, and it will have to be split 10 ways. (12 if we include my two brother's who have passed away, giving their share to their kids)

 

[lukenick1]

There are so many comments and questions i want to address here but i dont know how to multi quote. So with that being said everything I will say in this post will be in reference to past comments/questions.


I was NOT an only child until I was 21, when my older sister died. Now I am an only child. I was always my Mom's beneficiary after my sister died as she was single and just dating. I got some info in the mail about her 401k and when I confronted her spouse about it she told me that I was no longer the beneficiary. Once she came into the picture I was cut off. How does that seem fair??? In any event, I am not bashing my Mother on a message board. I do not feel any ill feelings towards her, it was her wish. I am just HURT and was only venting on here. I have since yesterday, moved on and had no intentions on fighting this or creating friction between myself and her spouse. It is not her spouse's fault either. I'm just expressing my feelings anonymously like a lot of you do here on this board. I am not selfish, or a brat, or spoiled. The spouse was in a previous relationship where everything was left to her when her previous partner died, she was hardly in need. She is young, healthy, has a good job and was very capable of taking care of herself long before my Mom came along. Obviously MOm left her everything out of Love not need.

My husband and I will leave everything to each other with the agreement that everything will go to our kids. If I was to re-marry, I would never leave my assets to my new husband. They would be property of my kids. Thats the way it should be. You have children for life. Not to be your kids til their 18 then your done. If that is your mentality then why bother having kids. I am not being unreasonable the more i think about it, its the way it should be in my opinion. Obviously its the American Way to cut the kids off at 18. Not me!!!!

I dont care what all you flamers think of me, you can have your own opinion, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd love to see how you would feel.

 

[punkin]

Obviously its the American Way to cut the kids off at 18. Not me!!!!

First of all I agree with you.

Second, I remember reading an article that in France (and some other European countries) it is actually impossible to disinherit children even if you want to, so I guess this idea is the American Way.

There are flamers on every thread, but I think on this one you got a lot of support too. Again, I am sorry about you mother's passing.

 

[lukenick1]

First of all I agree with you.

Second, I remember reading an article that in France (and some other European countries) it is actually impossible to disinherit children even if you want to, so I guess this idea is the American Way.

There are flamers on every thread, but I think on this one you got a lot of support too. Again, I am sorry about you mother's passing.

Thank you , your right I did get A LOT of support on here, and I appreciate each and everyone of you that had something positive to say to me

 

[lillygator]

There are so many comments and questions i want to address here but i dont know how to multi quote. So with that being said everything I will say in this post will be in reference to past comments/questions.


I was NOT an only child until I was 21, when my older sister died. Now I am an only child. I was always my Mom's beneficiary after my sister died as she was single and just dating. I got some info in the mail about her 401k and when I confronted her spouse about it she told me that I was no longer the beneficiary. Once she came into the picture I was cut off. How does that seem fair??? In any event, I am not bashing my Mother on a message board. I do not feel any ill feelings towards her, it was her wish. I am just HURT and was only venting on here. I have since yesterday, moved on and had no intentions on fighting this or creating friction between myself and her spouse. It is not her spouse's fault either. I'm just expressing my feelings anonymously like a lot of you do here on this board. I am not selfish, or a brat, or spoiled. The spouse was in a previous relationship where everything was left to her when her previous partner died, she was hardly in need. She is young, healthy, has a good job and was very capable of taking care of herself long before my Mom came along. Obviously MOm left her everything out of Love not need.

My husband and I will leave everything to each other with the agreement that everything will go to our kids. If I was to re-marry, I would never leave my assets to my new husband. They would be property of my kids. Thats the way it should be. You have children for life. Not to be your kids til their 18 then your done. If that is your mentality then why bother having kids. I am not being unreasonable the more i think about it, its the way it should be in my opinion. Obviously its the American Way to cut the kids off at 18. Not me!!!!

I dont care what all you flamers think of me, you can have your own opinion, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd love to see how you would feel.

Love the mentality that if you don’t agree you are flaming you. You felt entitled to that money since you grew up with a single mom, what so now her cash will make up for all those times she was working two jobs? How were you cut off? Simply because you were not the beneficiary? Wow. You did still have a relationship with your mom and step mom right? Did you guys have a good relationship this past ten years?

I don’t think people are saying a child is cut off at 18, but that a parent has no responsibility to leave their money to their children simply because they are their child. Look how many children leave the nest and go out and have a family of their own and see their parents at holidays and maybe talk on the phone here and there. "The spouse" is their daily support system and I know you think ten years is not very long, but you are mistaken – it’s ten years! It’s not “new”.

I live in a largely retirement community. It’s amazing how many have families up north that have little to no interaction with their parents until it comes time to move them to a nursing home and start getting the will changed.

If anything happens to us, our girls will get everything, but I sure as heck hope they do not grow up feeling entitled to our money. That is just sad.

 

[lukenick1]

Love the mentality that if you don’t agree you are flaming you. You felt entitled to that money since you grew up with a single mom, what so now her cash will make up for all those times she was working two jobs? How were you cut off? Simply because you were not the beneficiary? Wow. You did still have a relationship with your mom and step mom right? Did you guys have a good relationship this past ten years?

I don’t think people are saying a child is cut off at 18, but that a parent has no responsibility to leave their money to their children simply because they are their child. Look how many children leave the nest and go out and have a family of their own and see their parents at holidays and maybe talk on the phone here and there. "The spouse" is their daily support system and I know you think ten years is not very long, but you are mistaken – it’s ten years! It’s not “new”.

I live in a largely retirement community. It’s amazing how many have families up north that have little to no interaction with their parents until it comes time to move them to a nursing home and start getting the will changed.

If anything happens to us, our girls will get everything, but I sure as heck hope they do not grow up feeling entitled to our money. That is just sad.

I had/have a great relationship with them and I was by my mothers side everyday all day while she was in ICU before she died.

There were some of you that disagree with me and that is fine, but being called names and bashing me is uncalled for.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Me again,

OP, I completely understand how you are feeling... 'cut out'... 'cut off'.

Like I had said, everyone has a right to their feelings!!! And, feelings are not always cut and dry, white and black, right or wrong! And, I do think it is reasonable to think that a parent with any means may remember their only daughter with whom there was supposedly a very close relationship. I think it is reasonable to think that one would remember their blood offspring and not leave everything to be 'outside' of their blood related children.

I did, however, want to say this...
After reading your subsequent post, I think I see a slight skew in how you are seeing your relationship with your mother. And, I think this happens often, especially in the case of a single mother and only child...

It is almost like you view your life with your mother as a 'partnership'.
'equals'... maybe a bit co-dependant when you were younger and your mother was single...

I TOTALLY agree with how you may be feeling!!!

But, perhaps your feelings are even stronger because of how you have experienced and perceived your relationship with your mother.

I know that some people may indeed have feelings of 'entitlement' to their parent's assets... Which is why some people here may be reacting negatively to your post....

But, I really think that with you it is a bit different and deeper than that.

Again,

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

My inlaws (now just MIL) feel that since they have assets to leave DH inheritance... WE OWE THEM, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES... COMPLETE RESPECT AND SERVICE, NO MATTER WHAT, UNTIL THEY DIE. They have openly voiced 'entitlement'....

That, too, is just warped....



PS: Not to mention that they have set it up with DH's name on everything, and mine (even as the mother of their beloved grandchild) is notably excluded.

I have the same "style" of MIL, but the first part doesn't bother me so much--she demands, we either go along, or we tell her "No". You do, eventually, have to grow up and speak up if someone is walking all over you. That might even mean being willing to walk away from the inheritance, if it bugs you so much.

Also, as to your P.S.--what would you expect your MIL to do? My MIL is the exact same way--my name is on NOTHING! Even though we've been married for 22 years, and I produced the all-important (to her) grandsons. I don't take it personally, at all. It's her money, it's family money--I just married in. I can 100% see her wanting to make absolutely sure that the money stays in the family. Ironically, MIL is loaded, and I'm her "in-house counsel" when it comes to finances. I help her make decisions about her assets. Mostly, i want her to be comfortable with her choices. If that means excluding me and my SIL (Dh's brother's wife), then, so be it. The old bat is pushing 80--I want her to feel secure in her declining years.

 

[bicker]

Love the mentality that if you don’t agree [then [people] are flaming you.

I agree. People disagree. Let them disagree. Let the fact that they disagree foster confidence that this situation is actually quite reasonable, even if perhaps not what one may have expected and/or not necessarily ideal from one's own point of view.

There is no need to interpret beliefs and values that are different from one's own as something bad. We are not clones of each other. Indeed, the tendency to view beliefs and values negatively solely because they are different from our own is a major source of conflict and trouble in our society.