How would you feel???

[lillygator]

Now it all makes sense to me why you feel the way you do.

where is the lightbulb smiley...now it makes sense to me too.

 

[bumbershoot]

I think it's too bad that your mom didn't discuss this with you beforehand (though I admit I only read page one and 18 of this thread and might have missed something, LOL).

When my mom died, I already knew that she and her husband (#3, but that's not said to make her sound awful...#1 my dad was abusive, #2 had a secret life and he left her, #3 was her childhood sweetheart and the best of 'em all for her) had left everything to each other. And it was the intent that when the widow(er) died, ALL the money was to be split between me, my brother, and our two stepsiblings.

Fair, IMO. Doesn't change the spouse's lifestyle, and then at the very end it goes to the kids anyway.

Sure, I wished I had some money, but frankly at that point I would have blown it all on stupid stupid things. So it's good that it worked out that way.


Of course, now stepdad has remarried...and he hasn't been forthcoming with how THAT is going to work...his wife has 2 kids too...will all of their money be pooled and split between 6? It's pretty clear that stepdad can't be alone (my mom was #2 so new wife is #3) and neither can his wife (stepdad was her #2), so how more complicated might this all become?????


But basically I think it's fair, as long as the spouse can be trusted to do what is right by their late spouse's kids and grandkids...

 

[lukenick1]

Maybe I should as her "wife" what she plans to do with it when she dies???? Although what she tells me now and what she does later may be 2 very different things. Oh wait.....here I go again acting like I'm "entitled" to it. Shame on me!

 

[lillygator]

since I don't agree with you on the front end, this probably won't matter.

Would that have been something you would have normally asked your mom, what she planned on doing with her assets when she died?

 

[LuvOrlando]

Thank you so much. Finally someone can say what I want to say but just couldnt find the right words.

It's a hard position to be in and one I know all too well.

The only advice I can give is don't expect too much from other people. I don't think they mean to be so cruel, they just don't get it. We are all limited by our own experiences. Some things in life need to be lived to be understood and this is one of them.

 

[bumbershoot]

Now I've read back to page 12...

When one parent dies, they leave their assets to the other parent. When that parent dies, the assets go to the kids. Isn't that how it worked before divorce and remarriage became so commonplace?

What happens if the widowed one remarries? That's where it gets tricky.

I don't think her being gay has anything to do with it so maybe you should have left that part out. People are going to zero in on that and not hear anything else.

But if she'd left it out and then started using pronouns different from what we were expecting, it would have been said anyway.

But when I was told by the spouse a few days ago, that I, and my niece (my deceased sister's daughter), were her beneficiaries, It hurts me that as sooon as this spouse came along, we were cut out.

When your stepmom said that, how did she say it? Was she mean, or was she caring?

Yes we did....a while ago, pre spouse. Mom had given me all of her paperwork, life insurance, retirement savings, etc. I, as well as my niece, were to split her estate. Little did I know that once the spouse came into the picture we were both excluded completely from it all. They werent even legally married yet when the Will was changed. She did tell me recently that if they were to die together, then I would get 1/2 of their stuff and spouse's brother would get the other 1/2. Spouse has no children.

That's rotten that your mom didn't tell you. Especially since this all seems to have changed a relatively long time ago.

But FWIW, I am fairly certain that my mom and her last husband changed/made their wills before they got married...they were so excited to finally be together and just chomping at the bit to be married (like I said husband #2 had left her...that happened just after #3 reappeared (they were stepcousins so it wasn't weird that he showed up...I'd actually met him and his then-wife and their kids back when I was 13) but it had been building for a long time...mom and #3 just had to wait for the divorce decree to be final) and I bet they mentioned each other even before it was a done deal.

It is hard to accept she is gone (so unexpectedly) and that Dad is gone so soon and so close to each other. I had only been grieving my Dad not even 2 weeks when Mom suffered a hemorrhage.

Oh gracious, I'm so sorry.

Can I ask why??? Would you feel different if you had never known your dad and grew up with your mother's spouse as a parent? Just asking.

FWIW, it does make a difference.

My stepdad's "new" wife (they've actually been married 5 months longer than DH and I have, but I still consider them "new" while I consider DH and I to have been married a nice amount of time!) feels like a newcomer to me. I try to not think about what stepdad has put in his will about the money he got from my mom's retirement and insurance, because it stresses me out to think that he might have left it to her in his will. She's the newcomer, though they are now beyond the halfway mark to the number of years he and my mom were married.

It doesn't make *sense*, but that's OK.

I know that doesn't totally go along with your question, but it's all a matter of time spent with a new spouse, how the relationship is with the stepparent, etc etc...

I'm QUITE sure that my stepsiblings (aka stepsecondcousins, LOL) felt that exact same way about my mom, FWIW. Even though it was their mom that caused the situations that led my stepdad to divorce their mom! My mom was the newcomer and I'm sure they HATED that his will stated that his money would go to her.

The spouse was in a previous relationship where everything was left to her when her previous partner died...

My husband and I will leave everything to each other with the agreement that everything will go to our kids. If I was to re-marry, I would never leave my assets to my new husband. They would be property of my kids. Thats the way it should be.

OK, obviously I watch too many crime shows, because that (what I bolded) just weirds me out...

I think that IF something happened to your husband or marriage, and if you found someone that you loved enough to marry him...I think you might reconsider. It's possible. I know my mom did. She loved her last husband like crazy, and she trusted him to do what was right by me and my brother, and she wanted him to benefit from what she had. Though for her, all she had was made while they were together...until he was in her life she lived basically month to month, even with husband #2 around.

 

[bumbershoot]

There's nothing worse than to fight over someone's money after they die.

Actually, MIL would disagree. Paying the IRS over 50K (on widow's pension and SS) b/c your spouse, it turns out, didn't file taxes for 6 years, didn't leave life insurance, and had NO savings whatsoever, kinda sucks... There are worse things than fighting over money.



I'm getting sad continuing to read....OP, I'm so sorry you lost both parents so fast. My mom died of a hemorrhage as well...it is so fast and shocking and unexpected (though my mom was on blood thinners, her doctors had ignored the signs and symptoms of a bleeding ulcer, so it was still unexpected) and it's just bewildering.

I'm also sorry that your mom kept the information of her new will from her; that's also bewildering, when she had shared the old information with you, and had recently shared the info of what would happen if both of them died together. It's being blindsided. It's NOT fair. If you had known NOTHING it would be different, but she had specifically shared info with you about her will before, and hadn't told you that things had changed. I'm so sorry.

My husband has continued questions and anger and unresolved everything, along with the sadness after his dad died in '06. That's not a good way to grieve. At least with me, it's just pure grief for my mom. There are no complicated feelings; I feel so bad for my husband to have the complicated grief, and I feel bad for you as well.

I hope that your stepmom is a decent person and that she makes her will to reflect that some of the money she now has was made by your mom (and your...niece's grandmother, if I have the relationships correct). I hope she remains in your lives even without talking about money. It's so sad when a stepparent disappears (like my first stepdad did).

 

[lukenick1]

Actually, MIL would disagree. Paying the IRS over 50K (on widow's pension and SS) b/c your spouse, it turns out, didn't file taxes for 6 years, didn't leave life insurance, and had NO savings whatsoever, kinda sucks... There are worse things than fighting over money.



I'm getting sad continuing to read....OP, I'm so sorry you lost both parents so fast. My mom died of a hemorrhage as well...it is so fast and shocking and unexpected (though my mom was on blood thinners, her doctors had ignored the signs and symptoms of a bleeding ulcer, so it was still unexpected) and it's just bewildering.

I'm also sorry that your mom kept the information of her new will from her; that's also bewildering, when she had shared the old information with you, and had recently shared the info of what would happen if both of them died together. It's being blindsided. It's NOT fair. If you had known NOTHING it would be different, but she had specifically shared info with you about her will before, and hadn't told you that things had changed. I'm so sorry.

My husband has continued questions and anger and unresolved everything, along with the sadness after his dad died in '06. That's not a good way to grieve. At least with me, it's just pure grief for my mom. There are no complicated feelings; I feel so bad for my husband to have the complicated grief, and I feel bad for you as well.

I hope that your stepmom is a decent person and that she makes her will to reflect that some of the money she now has was made by your mom (and your...niece's grandmother, if I have the relationships correct). I hope she remains in your lives even without talking about money. It's so sad when a stepparent disappears (like my first stepdad did).

Thank you....so far we have remained in contact and I am positive she will fulfill my Mother's role with my kids for now at least. Let's hope it continues......

 

[bicker]

Thank you Bicker, Im glad that you acknowledged that I was being personally attacked.

With all due respect, I don't want to get involved in the argument about whether someone did personally attack someone else or not. I made general statements, not specific ones, just avoid the issue.

I just want to stay out of the he-said, she-said part of this.

I did want to see what others thought about this, and felt that maybe I was being unreasonable, but after much refelection and the views of others I am confident that my feelings are valid.

This is a mistake, on your part, I feel -- NOT that you are now confident that your feelings are valid, but rather that you ever doubted the validity of your feelings. How we feel is always valid. What is or is not valid is only our expectations.