How would you feel???

[1stluvispooh]

Im sorry but your wrong....I grew up in a single parent home where my Mom had to work 2 jobs to support me. What kids contribute to their parents earnings??? Seriously????? I just feel that having the life with my MOm and going thru the hard times with her being a single MOm and never home for me and us having to go without gives me the right to her hard earned money. Her spouse walked into a gold mine. I'm more entitled to it than her in my opinion. I have no intention in disputing it or creating friction, this is just how i feel deep down. When her wife dies she will leave everything my Mom struggled and worked for to someone else. I feel as her only child that I am entitled to it. Agree or not it's the truth. Believe me.....I wish my MOm could have enjoyed it herself, it was unfair for her to die at 63 without warning after she just retired. It's not fair that she busted her a** her whole life to let someone else enjoy it. Thats what upsets me the most.

I am so sorry for your lose! Of both parents. Maybe the bold part explains why she left the money to her spouse. She had struggled and sacrificed for you to have the wonderful life you have now. Maybe she thought her job of supporting you was done??? Just a thought not flaming you.

 

[gina2000]

I do get what you are saying however I know in my situation my dh took care of that during the divorce as he split his savings and his 401k and anything else that was made during his marriage. So he started over when we got married. WHY would I not be the one to get it?

Plus if they gathered things during their marriage why would the kids that didn't belong to them get what the other made? sorry if it doesn't make sense I did my best to describe what I was thinking. And no we don't think ill of each other kids but we do know that my step sons will be VERY well taken care of and he has taken very goo care of them as well. But we just feel that we take very good care of our kids now.

I think your situation is different than the one I mentioned and the situation I believe the OP is facing. Your DH divorced, settled assets, remarried, and had children with you (if I read correctly). In your situation, I would expect your DH to leave you the bulk of his assets. In the situation I mentioned, late life marriage with no common children and assets brought to the marriage by both partners might be treated differently. Both spouses have grown children, grandchildren, and have had no earning power together.

I think the OP is a combination of the two situations. Since there are no children in her mother's second marriage, I would think that her mother would want her daughter to receive some measure of her estate. I imagine her partner has earning power (as evidenced by the implied age though I do not know the health of her partner) and would have expected her to leave her partner some assets but not all. I can't see leaving her assets solely to the spouse. The spouse and the daughter are equal in my eyes. I just don't see it any other way.

 

[cheermom1]

I think your situation is different than the one I mentioned and the situation I believe the OP is facing. Your DH divorced, settled assets, remarried, and had children with you (if I read correctly). In your situation, I would expect your DH to leave you the bulk of his assets. In the situation I mentioned, late life marriage with no common children and assets brought to the marriage by both partners might be treated differently. Both spouses have grown children, grandchildren, and have had no earning power together.

I think the OP is a combination of the two situations. Since there are no children in her mother's second marriage, I would think that her mother would want her daughter to receive some measure of her estate. I imagine her partner has earning power (as evidenced by the implied age though I do not know the health of her partner) and would have expected her to leave her partner some assets but not all. I can't see leaving her assets solely to the spouse. The spouse and the daughter are equal in my eyes. I just don't see it any other way.

No we don't have kid together, other than that yeah you got it right. But again I don't think she expect money. I do think she should get some keep sakes.

 

[Laura]

You have every right to feel hurt and resentful that your mother didn't leave you anything. But it was absolutely 100% your mother's right to leave her money to whomever she wished, whether that be her spouse, her daughter, her neighbor, her dentist, the local animal shelter, whatever. It was her money to do with as she pleased.

If my father were to remarry and he left all his money to his widow, that would be just fine and dandy with me. It's his money, not mine. I am not owed anything from him; he raised me, that's enough. Besides, with my father's income gone, his widow would need the money more than I would. Think about it.

Oh, and by the way, when my mother died, I got nothing. Whatever assets she had (if any) went to my father.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Really? Even if you are married, you would not leave anything to your spouse, but leave it all to your kids? To me, that does not make any sense.

Its not at all uncommon in late life marriages to leave all or most of the assets brought in to a marriage to the children, rather than the spouse. Persumably the spouse has brought his/her own retirement, social security, real estate into the marriage and will will it to his/her own children. It makes perfect sense. My grandma married three times after my grandpa died and that was the prenup in each case.

 

[lillygator]

I wouldn't "expect" an inheritance but I certainly would be hurt if I were cut out of a will completely by my mother. In our family, if a single member engages in a relationship after a spouse passes, the wills are made so that the children of the former marriages inherit. Both members of the new relationships have brought assets with them that were created under different relationships that involved children. Money is not co-mingled and will be left to surviving children/grandchildren. I know should I find myself in that position someday, I would do the same unless my 2nd husband was in dire financial need and unable to earn a living.

I can't imagine not being remembered by my parents. It would break my heart and not because I want the money but because I would hope that my parent would want to help me. I can't explain it any other way. It's not the money, it's the love that comes with the gift of remembrance.

in your family - what does that mean exactly? all the siblings and cousins etc agree that you all should do the same with your estates? wild.

Really? Even if you are married, you would not leave anything to your spouse, but leave it all to your kids? To me, that does not make any sense.

it doesn't make sense...kids grow up and move on, spouses are with you daily and generally share much more together.

 

[gina2000]

in your family - what does that mean exactly? all the siblings and cousins etc agree that you all should do the same with your estates? wild.

Yeah, we're wild.

The few experiences we've had in our family of 2nd marriages/relationships have all been structured the same. Most of the relationships have been late life relationships outlined as already indicated. The only reason I know the particulars is that families have discussed information in my presence. Sorry if it's not your experience. Or maybe not. We all live as we see fit.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

in your family - what does that mean exactly? all the siblings and cousins etc agree that you all should do the same with your estates? wild.


it doesn't make sense...kids grow up and move on, spouses are with you daily and generally share much more together.

I disagree with you. There's no blanket statment about what always makes sense and what doesn't.

Example: Ed and Harriet are married 50 years and have three kids and a bunch of grands. Ed is the primary wage earner and leaves a comfy retirement, house, car, life insurance to Harriet, with the assumption that Harrriet will pass on those, say 300K worth of assets to thier children if she doesn't use them before she dies.

Harriet remarries a couple of years later to John. John has his own assets that he earned during his first marriage that he plans to pass on to his children.

Harriet and John are married three years before Harriet dies. You really think that John and subsequently his heirs are more entitled to the assets Harriet AND HER FIRST HUSBAND worked so hard for than Harriet's children? That makes NO sense at all to me.

Another example: Sara and Bill are divorced after 10 years of marriage and two kids. Sara marries Jim and Jim has two kids of his own. Sara and Jim are married 30 years before Sara dies. In this scenario it would make more sense to me that Sara would leave "her" assets to Jim for his life time and then thier entire estate be split among all the children. In this scenario where Sara and Jim have had a very long marriage and have built thier retirment funds together, it seems totally equitable and reasonable that the surviving spouse would inherit and then leave everything to all the kids involved.

I think this poster's situation is in between the two, right? Her mom was married for quite a while, but most of the assets were earned before the marriage and the persumably everything that her mom worked for would be left to her stepmom's heirs, which kind of sucks. None of that changes the fact that its her mom's to do with as she pleases, but it does indeed suck.

I really don't understand why some here are insisting that this poster has no right to feel a little hurt and that your way of interpreting how money ought to be left is the only reasonable way. I would argue that there is no ONE sensible way to leave assets, but that each case is different and depends on circumstance. Really, sitting on a high horse is nobody's best angle.

 

[janets]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

My grandmother died when my mom was about 22 (grandma was 53). About 10 years later, my grandpa remarried a woman who had been widowed and also had 2 grown children (and by that time grandchildren).

She came into the marriage with substantial assets from her late husband and her parents (her father had significant holdings in the original Ma Bell). He didn't have much, some money in an account and I believe he might have been working at that point. But their nice life was because of her assets.

He was 10 years older than she was, and everyone (especially her and her children) expected that he would pass before her. Well, it didn't happen that way. She got sick and when it appeared that she was going to die before him, her children (and I'm talking grown ups in their late 50s and early 60s) swooped in and got him to sign all sorts of documents, giving up his position in all of their assets. They removed him from the deed to their apartment, all of the bank accounts, everything. Then they tried to get my mom to move him from Florida back up to NY (he was 96 and in ill health) and threatened to go to court to get guardianship of him.

In essence they expected that if she died first, all of the assets would pass to my grandpa, and then when he died, my mom and aunt would get all of "their" money. Frankly, we knew all along it wasn't ours (or his) and that it belonged to them in the end. We never wanted or expected any of it. But they were so afraid that they tried to evict an old, ill man. In the end, he died about 7 weeks after her, and if they had just kept quiet, he would have lived out his days in the apartment in FL, and that would have been it.

DH and I just redid our wills. We have been married almost 14 years and have 2 sons. We recently purchased new life insurance policies (20 year term) and I had the wills changed so that 1/2 of the proceeds of the policy go to DH if I die, and the remainder goes into a trust for my children (with him and my sister as trustees). His is the reverse. I felt that there was no way I could leave him that sum of money free and clear and expect that he would be able to provide for our children. Also, if he were to remarry, I did not want to risk my kids not getting what I wanted them to have. Just my decision. Not for everyone.

My mom is a widow, has some funds (enough to keep her) but nothing outrageous. My sister and I already know how her estate will be divided (she has a will) and we already know how we are dividing up the personal property. No fights and no arguments.

Again OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[lillygator]

I really don't understand why some here are insisting that this poster has no right to feel a little hurt and that your way of interpreting how money ought to be left is the only reasonable way. I would argue that there is no ONE sensible way to leave assets, but that each case is different and depends on circumstance. Really, sitting on a high horse is nobody's best angle.

oh she can feel hurt all she wants...but she also feels entitled to that money since she grew up with a single mom - as she posted....and the new wife, which isn't new at 10 years, landed a gold mine.

Of course there is a sensible way, the way the person who's estate it is, wishes - plain and simple. not what the children expect or want.

 

[gina2000]

Of course there is a sensible way, the way the person who's estate it is, wishes - plain and simple. not what the children expect or want.

Yeah, I leave $1,000,000 to the first man who kisses me during a full moon after my 92nd birthday....definitely my right, but hardly sensible....plain and simple.

 

[lillygator]

Yeah, I leave $1,000,000 to the first man who kisses me during a full moon after my 92nd birthday....definitely my right, but hardly sensible....plain and simple.

it does not have to be "sensible" for anyone one other than the one writing the will. Not a thing wrong with that.

 

[Iott Family]

I'm not sure how it would be different if she had married a man, or even if she died after being married to the same person for 60 years, or whatever. Usually the spouse inherits the estate.


I think your feelings are similar to those anyone would have if their mom remarried and then passed away at a young age. I think what you're feeling is normal, and it's part of grief. Anger is a normal stage in the grief process, it's just different people find different things to be angry about.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree. I am so sorry for your loss I hope that when you have worked through your grief you will remember all the good things about your mother and not hang onto the anger

 

[kidzmom3]

Another thing to remember is that often times in a marriage, the spouses agree to leave their assets solely to each other because they need them to maintain the Same standard of living. How many of us could retain our same standard of living if our spouse died? Usually, in a two person household each is contributing. One might contribute a lot more, maybe equal, maybe one doesn't contribute financially but does a lot of work around the house and maintaining a family. I think it is the deceased spouses responsibility to make sure that standard of living can be maintained. I couldn't pay the mortgage on my own, could you?

 

[bubie2.5]

This thread hits very close to home. My mother died at 63, after being married to my stepdad for 11 years, I was her only child. She always said that she would leave everything to me, but I thought she was joking, it turns out she wasn't. I guess she thought she would outlive her husband (he was 8 years older than her). Funny thing is they drafted their wills together, but in his he left half of what he had to my mother and the other half to his three kids. In the end I felt so bad that I suggested giving him half but he said that he didn't wanted it or need it. I knew how much my mother loved his 5 grandkids, so each of them got 10%.

I never expected anything from my mother, all I wanted from her was her acceptance and her approval, but I guess that was her way of saying "I love you". I would give it all back just for a couple more of years with her.

I do get what you are saying however I know in my situation my dh took care of that during the divorce as he split his savings and his 401k and anything else that was made during his marriage. So he started over when we got married. WHY would I not be the one to get it?

So basically he's divorced from his kids also?

 

[dsny1mom]

Amen! Thank you for understanding. I'm not money hungry and would much rather have my Mom instead. All I know is that I will not do that to my children. They will inherit everything of mine once I am gone. I am not angry at my Mom (God rest her soul) I am just hurt. Period!

As a Mother this is what I would do if I was about to enter into a 2nd marriage where my new spouse was not the biological or adopted parent of my children.

I would let my soon to be 2nd spouse know that all that I bring into the marriage will be going to my children when I pass. I would expect my soon to be spouse to set up their pre marital estate to go to their children and not me and mine.

I would keep all of my assets that I brought into the marriage seperate as to not comingle them with my new spouses', I would put into trust what I could and have my children as co- owners of any account I could put them on. I would make sure there was a pre nup and a will that made it clear that all that is mine before the marriage goes to my children. Anything that we aquired jointly during our marriage would be left to the spouse.

I'm sorry for your loss and that your mom didn't leave to you what was aquired by her before her second marriage.

dsny1mom

 

[punkin]

So basically he divorced from his kids also?

I kinda thought that too.

 

[EllaM]

There's nothing worse than to fight over someone's money after they die.

 

[Stacerita]

There's nothing worse than to fight over someone's money after they die.

And complaining that its not "fair".

 

[lillygator]

I kinda thought that too.

I read it as the assets were split at divorce and he is now currently paying child support.