How would you feel???

[bicker]

I think it is a safe bet that no one's story really applies to anyone else, at least not directly and precisely; it is always a matter of general concepts translating from one person's experience to the more general case.

Remember that this isn't just a parent-child issue, but rather a spouse-spouse issue. When my wife and I got married, we were not on the same footing, financially. Some would say that we "should" have kept our finances separate "just in case" so that if we "didn't last" that we'd leave the relationship with something close to proportional to what we came into the relationship with. Ridiculous. We were making a solemn and heart-felt commitment to each other. For us, equivocating on that commitment by sullying it with a financial overlay, that worked differently from the relationship itself, was an anathema. For us, putting our marriage as the highest priority relationship, even above the relationships with other family members, was a natural.

Not everyone needs to follow the same path -- that's not the point. The point is that that is a reasonable path for people to choose to follow. It is a path deserving of respect: No one else necessarily needs to feel compelled to travel that path, but people should feel compelled to respect the decision of those who decide to travel that path.

 

[connorlevismom]

My parents never supported me as an adult, nor would it even occur to me that they would. I am grateful that my parents never gave me a dime as an adult, it taught me how to take care of my own stuff and I am a responsible person bcause of it.

One of my brothers on the other hand is 50 and still moves in and out of their home. They still support him in some way or another and I feel sorry for him. Because when they pass, he is going to be clueless as to how to function. I fully expect that my parents will leave that brother with more than the other 6 of us because in their eyes "he needs it more". Whatever, does not matter to me in the least.

Kristine

 

[lukenick1]

Can I ask why??? Would you feel different if you had never known your dad and grew up with your mother's spouse as a parent? Just asking.

Yes I would feel different, it would be ok with me. It would be something that they created together.

 

[jodifla]

My parents never supported me as an adult, nor would it even occur to me that they would. I am grateful that my parents never gave me a dime as an adult, it taught me how to take care of my own stuff and I am a responsible person bcause of it.

One of my brothers on the other hand is 50 and still moves in and out of their home. They still support him in some way or another and I feel sorry for him. Because when they pass, he is going to be clueless as to how to function. I fully expect that my parents will leave that brother with more than the other 6 of us because in their eyes "he needs it more". Whatever, does not matter to me in the least.

Kristine

Uh, for many of us there is an in-between. Just because you get help from your parents doesn't mean you will turn into a leech for life.

I returned home after college for several months while getting a job and getting up and running.

My parents helped pay for our wedding. Our in-laws sold us their car at a great price. My MIL helped put new windows in our house.

And on the flip side, my husband found groundbreaking medical studies for my FIL when he was so sick. They made a huge difference and extended his life another 20 years. My MIL just didn't have the ability to do this research as she was too busy caring for a sick husband.

I helped care for both of my parents when they became sick and elderly. I tended to their financial affairs, made sure both of them had housing, even buying a residence for one.


Families like mine and my DH's operate as a partnership for our ENTIRE lives.

 

[lukenick1]

Uh, for many of us there is an in-between. Just because you get help from your parents doesn't mean you will turn into a leech for life.
Families like mine and my DH's operate as a partnership for our ENTIRE lives.

AMEN! That's the way it should be!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Uh, for many of us there is an in-between. Just because you get help from your parents doesn't mean you will turn into a leech for life.

My dad gave my brother and me each a sizeable chunk of money to use as a down payment on our first homes. We both lived at home for a year or so after graduating from college to save money, too. And yet, somehow we managed to learn to take care of our stuff and be responsible. (Actually, they taught us those lessons while we were still kids. )

On the flip side, we helped my dad when he was in poor health, and we let my in-laws live with us for 6 weeks after one house sold and the other wasn't ready yet. My SIL is having financial difficulties and I fully intend to offer her our guest room until she can get on her feet as well. That's what families do, help each other out when it's needed.

 

[maxiesmom]

AMEN! That's the way it should be!

You mom's spouse was her family! They were together 8 years, it isn't like you mom left everything to some stranger, it was the person she was in love with!

Sorry, but the more you post the less I have sympathy for you. It was your mom's money to do with as she saw fit. You had no claim to it whatsoever. It wasn't yours.

 

[C.Ann]

You mom's spouse was her family! They were together 8 years, it isn't like you mom left everything to some stranger, it was the person she was in love with!

It seems like this very important piece of information is getting lost in the shuffle here..

 

[connorlevismom]

Uh, for many of us there is an in-between. Just because you get help from your parents doesn't mean you will turn into a leech for life.

I returned home after college for several months while getting a job and getting up and running.

My parents helped pay for our wedding. Our in-laws sold us their car at a great price. My MIL helped put new windows in our house.

And on the flip side, my husband found groundbreaking medical studies for my FIL when he was so sick. They made a huge difference and extended his life another 20 years. My MIL just didn't have the ability to do this research as she was too busy caring for a sick husband.

I helped care for both of my parents when they became sick and elderly. I tended to their financial affairs, made sure both of them had housing, even buying a residence for one.


Families like mine and my DH's operate as a partnership for our ENTIRE lives.

My dad gave my brother and me each a sizeable chunk of money to use as a down payment on our first homes. We both lived at home for a year or so after graduating from college to save money, too. And yet, somehow we managed to learn to take care of our stuff and be responsible. (Actually, they taught us those lessons while we were still kids. )

On the flip side, we helped my dad when he was in poor health, and we let my in-laws live with us for 6 weeks after one house sold and the other wasn't ready yet. My SIL is having financial difficulties and I fully intend to offer her our guest room until she can get on her feet as well. That's what families do, help each other out when it's needed.

Maybe it is geography because I don't know people who's parents helped them with down payments for homes or things that they need. A place to stay if they need it yes, but not monetarily.

I am not saying all familes are the same. I am saying that this is how it was in my family. But I also do not think that a person should feel slighted if their parents did not help support them into adulthood. The OP seems to think that she is owed something and is mad that she did not get it. In her own words, she is entitled to it.

Kristine

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

OP still hasn't answered my question.

did you and your mother have a conversation about this before she passed away?

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Maybe it is geography because I don't know people who's parents helped them with down payments for homes or things that they need. A place to stay if they need it yes, but not monetarily.

I am not saying all familes are the same. I am saying that this is how it was in my family. But I also do not think that a person should feel slighted if their parents did not help support them into adulthood. The OP seems to think that she is owed something and is mad that she did not get it. In her own words, she is entitled to it.

Kristine

It could be geography. I grew up in Southern California and housing is very expensive. I know a lot of people whose parents gave them an "early inheritance" to use as a down payment on a home. I don't consider gifts of this type (or the expectation of an inheritance at a parent's death) an equivalent to "supporting them into adulthood". And the OP has said she wasn't "mad", she was hurt. I think that's a completely natural feeling in her situation, especially considering the way her mother spoke ill of her father for doing the exact same thing.

 

[okeydokey]

It's not surprising that your Mom left her estate to her spouse. She loved her and chose her as a partner for life. Since you are on good terms with her I'm sure she will give you some items of your Mom's that you want to have to remember her by.

 

[Beckypooh1972]

I know of a situation where 2 elderly people married in their 70's and were married 22 years when the husband died. There was an understanding that the wife was supposed to be able to stay in the house until she died but because of the way they decided to split their finances the husband's daughter inherited the house which had been her father's home before he married. The daughter only waited a few weeks after the husband died before she asked the wife to move so she could sell the house. I really thought this was unfair and the fall out of that kind of arrangement. I know the husband would really have been upset if he'd known his wife of 22 years had been forced to move. I have mixed opinions about the situation but even the wife's children from her previous marriage just accepted that was the way it was arranged; I guess they realized that if she'd died first they wouldn't have wanted their Stepdad to inherit all her money and savings. I still thought it was weird the assets didn't go to the wife when the husband died... 22 years is a long marriage IMO. Inheritance issues are so complicated!

 

[lukenick1]

OP still hasn't answered my question.

did you and your mother have a conversation about this before she passed away?

Sorry....the only thing we discussed was what would happen if she and her spouse should die together. She also discussed her burial wishes.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, if I was you I'd be hurt.
Not so much because I'd feel entitled to the money, but because I'd feel bad to have been completely excluded.

I'll go one step further and say that if I married someone who had children form a previous relationship, I'd make sure that those children were included in his will, just to avoid the kind of hurt you are feeling now. If I couldn't convince him to do that, then on his passing I'd probably take the $$ he brought into the marriage and give it to his children.

I have a friend whose mother died after being married for 30-something years to his father. A couple of years later, his father married a cocktail waitress from his country club. They were married probably about 8-10 years. His father died, the cocktail waittress inherited everything...his father's $$, his mother's $$ (which had gone to his father upon her death), the fmaily home, all the stuff, everythng. And she never gave the kids a thing...not any money, not any of the stuff that had sentimental value, not any fmaily pictures...nothing.

So, do I think you're being unreasonble? No. I think you're hurt and with pretty good reason.

 

[lukenick1]

Um....I dont ever recall asking for anyone's "sympathy"??? It was simply a vent. And for the umteenth time, I AM NOT ANGRY,JUST HURT!!!!!!! I am not spending my day bitter, losing sleep, and starting trouble about this situation. Just simply venting how I feel deep down to complete strangers as I would never bring it up with the spouse. Thanks AGAIN to those of you who gave your opinion in a polite way. I appreciate you listening.

 

[lukenick1]

OP, if I was you I'd be hurt.
Not so much because I'd feel entitled to the money, but because I'd feel bad to have been completely excluded.

I'll go one step further and say that if I married someone who had children form a previous relationship, I'd make sure that those children were included in his will, just to avoid the kind of hurt you are feeling now. If I couldn't convince him to do that, then on his passing I'd probably take the $$ he brought into the marriage and give it to his children.

I have a friend whose mother died after being married for 30-something years to his father. A couple of years later, his father married a cocktail waitress from his country club. They were married probably about 8-10 years. His father died, the cocktail waittress inherited everything...his father's $$, his mother's $$ (which had gone to his father upon her death), the fmaily home, all the stuff, everythng. And she never gave the kids a thing...not any money, not any of the stuff that had sentimental value, not any fmaily pictures...nothing.

So, do I think you're being unreasonble? No. I think you're hurt and with pretty good reason.

Thank you for that. Im so sorry for your friend...that is soooooo unfair!

 

[lillygator]

Yes I would feel different, it would be ok with me. It would be something that they created together.

hmm yet the step mom ( or "the spouse") didn't create anything together?????

You mom's spouse was her family! They were together 8 years, it isn't like you mom left everything to some stranger, it was the person she was in love with!

Sorry, but the more you post the less I have sympathy for you. It was your mom's money to do with as she saw fit. You had no claim to it whatsoever. It wasn't yours.

but, she feels it is - ......

Um....I dont ever recall asking for anyone's "sympathy"??? It was simply a vent. And for the umteenth time, I AM NOT ANGRY,JUST HURT!!!!!!! I am not spending my day bitter, losing sleep, and starting trouble about this situation. Just simply venting how I feel deep down to complete strangers as I would never bring it up with the spouse. Thanks AGAIN to those of you who gave your opinion in a polite way. I appreciate you listening.

I am sorry you are hurt, you already posted how bitter you are and anger oozes from several of your posts. Hopefully time will help heal you and you can move forward.

good luck to you.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I have to disagree. I have been with my DH for 10 years and if I died tomorrow, does that make me a stranger to him? He planned to spend the rest of his life with me and my life was cut short.

That is completely rediculous, IMO.

Kristine

Its in your opinion. But yes your husband is someone you met and married. Not your blood, or someone you created. You may be with him for 50 years, and you may feel like he is part of you, but in reality he's not. I love my husband, but not like I love my kids.

People get divoreced all the time, what is it like 50-60%. How many people disown their children. You have a connection to them your whole life. We can agree to disagree. But my husband and children will never be in the same category.

 

[lillygator]

wow, that is kind of sad...