How would you feel???

[connorlevismom]

I agree. Ten years, even in the best of circumstances, is a long time in the context of a human life. I've been with my DH coming up on 11 years. That's been long enough for us to get married, buy a home and then a larger one, start a business together, and have children. All of our planning for the future is joint; my retirement savings are part of his planning and vice-versa. I would assume the same to be true for most couples, and especially for same-sex couples since they're generally shut out of receiving their spouse's pension and social security benefits.

Agreed. My sister is gay and they have to jump through hoops to make sure that both her and her wife will be taken care of if they passed. It is a shame really, that they cannot just be seen as every other married straight couple....but that is a totally different thread.

Kristine

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

You must be reeling from losing both of your parents in such a short span of time. I am so very sorry about that

I am curious as to why you original post was only about your mom's choice for her estate and not both parents Why was one more upsetting than the other?

I think you may be correct that your parents saw you as stable and therefore not needing their money any longer. Perhaps they also felt their respective spouses would need the money eventually (for care when elderly, etc)

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

The OP is entitled to her feelings, and is going through the grieving process. So, I'm very sympathetic to that.

A couple issues that I wonder about are, how was the OP's relationship with her mom prior to the mom's death? Clearly, the OP didn't know the contents of her will--that says something. My mom died intestate, but was 100% clear on her money being divided evenly among her children. No surprises, no fights.

Also, none of us know the financial circumstances of the mom's wife. Mom may have been her sole means of support. If so, it makes sense that Mom would want her wife to remain comfortable after her passing. Especially if the wife has no way to support herself, I could see the mom thinking that her daughter is a grown-up and can manage to fund her own lifesyle. Sure, it would have been "nice" if the mom had funded her grandkids' college educations, but it's not a requirement, and it may not have even entered her mind. She may have thought that her confident, independent, successful daughter had that well in hand.

 

[tinatark]

I think she should have provided for her children and/or grandchildren as part of her final wishes, whether she was married to a man or a woman. My FIL recently remarried (they are both in their 70's) and they have set up a trust so that the estate reverts to the surviving spouse, then to the children after the surviving spouse's death - they have 6 children between them, with a child from each parent serving as administrator.

 

[arminnie]

What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make that feeling go away - because it is almost certainly not true. But we usually can't help the way we feel especially after such losses.

But the best advice I can give to the others posting here is DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING from others' estates. Unless it is locked into some irrevocable trust or given to you prior to death, do not count on anything.

My neighbor in CA (very elderly) had two daughters and several grandchildren. None of them had a lot of money, but everyone had their basic needs met. Because real estate prices skyrocketed during the 30 years or so that she owned her home her estate was worth over a million dollars. Could some of her relatives made good use of it? Of course.

But she left it all to the Make a Wish Foundation. I could never fault her for the good that she accomplished with this gesture.

 

[Colleen27]

For those of you calling the OP unreasonable, I mean, honestly. Wouldn't you feel the least bit hurt or at least WONDER why the woman who raised you didn't see fit to include you and your children in her final wishes? My mother and I had a terrible relationship, but even SHE made sure to include her daughters and grandchildren in her will (we got a lot of personal items). I have a hard time believing most of you wouldn't feel hurt and left out.

Well, I don't have to wonder because my mother has discussed her estate planning with me, but I know I'm getting very little compared to my brother, I understand/support her reasoning, and appreciate the way she prioritized in her will. I'd have done the exact same in her shoes; a child with health issues that still lives at home would have to come before a child who is married and financially stable, not because of favoritism but practicality. That said, she didn't get down to details in writing her will. It addresses the big things that need to be settled legally - house, 401k, vacation property, etc. The personal items my brother & I can figure out between the two of us, our relationship and personalities being such that there's nothing we'd be likely to squabble over. The grandkids aren't mentioned in her will at all; they are getting their inheritance now, in the form of vacations with Grandma, contributions to their college funds, and old-fashioned savings bonds.

 

[Northstar]

OP, your question was "How would you feel?" not "Do you think I have a right to inherit some of my mother's money?"

So... how I would feel is pretty much like you feel. I would want like crazy to talk to my mom and be reassured that the will was just business, not personal. I would be longing for some assurance that I was important and not just forgotten. And yes, I'd be mad at both my parents for not having considered my feelings in not even being mentioned in their wills.

But the cruel thing about being mad at someone who's died is that you can't argue it out with them. Don't let your anger blot out all of your other memories of your parents.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree. Ten years, even in the best of circumstances, is a long time in the context of a human life. I've been with my DH coming up on 11 years. That's been long enough for us to get married, buy a home and then a larger one, start a business together, and have children. All of our planning for the future is joint; my retirement savings are part of his planning and vice-versa. I would assume the same to be true for most couples, and especially for same-sex couples since they're generally shut out of receiving their spouse's pension and social security benefits.

I have to disagree. I have been with my DH for 10 years and if I died tomorrow, does that make me a stranger to him? He planned to spend the rest of his life with me and my life was cut short.

That is completely rediculous, IMO.

Kristine

I agree with all of the above

It would have been nice if her parents had given her those reasons! It sounds to me like this came to a total shock to her. I sure wouldn't want to do that to my kids, EVER. Even if we were totally estranged, I'd either leave them something or give them a good explanation as to why I didn't.

Maybe seemed so totally natural to her parents to leave their money to their spouses that it did not occur to them that their grown child would be expecting it or offended by not getting it and never anticipated that there was any issue to discuss. Or they saw the money as JOINT asset between themselves and their spouses (as my DH and I do) and did not think of those assets as belonging to just themselves and therefore rightfully able to be given away to a grown child in the event that just one of the couple passes.

 

[lillygator]

OP, your question was "How would you feel?" not "Do you think I have a right to inherit some of my mother's money?"

So... how I would feel is pretty much like you feel. I would want like crazy to talk to my mom and be reassured that the will was just business, not personal. I would be longing for some assurance that I was important and not just forgotten. And yes, I'd be mad at both my parents for not having considered my feelings in not even being mentioned in their wills.

But the cruel thing about being mad at someone who's died is that you can't argue it out with them. Don't let your anger blot out all of your other memories of your parents.

why are people equating what is left to them as how their parent felt about them?? To me, that is odd.

 

[Feralpeg]

I'm so sorry about your mom, but you must understand that parents do no owe their adult children anything. She brought you into the world and, it would seem, she gave you a good upbringing. She loved you. That is all you should have expected. Once you are an adult, her job is done. Most parents are happy to be there for the kids if they truly need them and continue to love them, but they don't owe you anything more.

Both my parents died when I was young. My mom died while I was in college. My father remarried a year after her death. He died five years later. He left the majority of his estate to my stepmother rather than to his four kids. At first, it was difficult to accept, but I finally realized that I had made my own life. He had moved on after my mom's death and my step-mom had made him truly happy. For that, she deserved whatever he wanted her to have.

OP, I hope you can come to terms with this.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'd be a bit bitter--not because she was gay but because this wasn't your father so I see it differently.

My mother inherited $ from my dad's parents and if she was to remarry and leave everything to her now boyfriend, I'd be pissed.

If your parents had remained married and your father had gotten everything OR if your mom and her partner had been together forever and had adopted you as a child and raised you, I think I'd think differently.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry your mom didn't think about you and your children and an inheritance or a trust or something. And maybe she did and this was what she wanted.

 

[MushyMushy]

why are people equating what is left to them as how their parent felt about them?? To me, that is odd.

I can't speak for anybody else, but my parents showed their love to us kids with money or things. They didn't tell us they love us, rather they gave us stuff.

So, yeah, I'd be hurt to be snubbed in a will.

 

[focusondisney]

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

Ten years is a long time -- way more than enough to overcome any concerns about how long the two were together, afaic. I think the claim that that's a short period of time is not just a red herring, but patently incorrect.

Oh wow. You lost both parents within 2 weeks? I'm so sorry. That must be devestating. But I am curious: did you feel it was as unfair for your dad to leave his estate to his wife? Or were they together longer so you felt it was OK? How is/ was your relationship with both your dad'd & mom's wives?

I agree with Bicker: 10 years is a long time. In 10 years, the mom & her wife may have made a significant amount of that money together. Did they buy a home during that time; was the life insurance policy taken out during that time? Did your mom do a lot for you during her life? She may have felt she already gave you your inheritance if she gave you money or things while she was alive. Did your mom struggle with her sexual identity? Did she feel her wife was the only person who supported her & loved her for who she was?

My DH lost his mom at a young age. His dad did remarry & left everything to his 2nd wife when he died. They were married for 20 years & the kids from the 1st wife & her did not get along. But she got everything. Oh well. Nothing the kids could do. At least she had the courtesy to give the kids a few things of their mothers that were still in the house. But they never got a dime from the sale of their parents home when she moved. But it was hers to do what she wanted. So it happens: life's not fair.

Again Op, I'm so sorry for both your losses. And that you will probably never know what your mom was thinking. I hope you will be able to make peace with it tho.

 

[Northstar]

why are people equating what is left to them as how their parent felt about them?? To me, that is odd.

It's not necessarily what is left to them, but in some ways, a will feels like a final communication. When you're in the shock of realizing that you will never get to talk to your parent again, and you will never get to address all of the unfinished business between you, you want to know that you were considered and remembered when they thought about their death.

 

[lukenick1]

You must be reeling from losing both of your parents in such a short span of time. I am so very sorry about that

I am curious as to why you original post was only about your mom's choice for her estate and not both parents Why was one more upsetting than the other?

I think you may be correct that your parents saw you as stable and therefore not needing their money any longer. Perhaps they also felt their respective spouses would need the money eventually (for care when elderly, etc)

I had a very good relationship with both parents. Thats not an issue. My Dad had nothing, he was being supported by his wife. I never expected anything from him. As far as my Mom, she had life insurance, recent retirement savings, a 401k. Her spouse was very independant and has lots of siblings and family to get her thru. She is also only 7 years older than me. I have a great relationship with the spouse. Before she came along I was the beneficiary to all of Mom's estate and now that she is in her life seems unfair to completely exclude me of all. Im sure I will get material things as I plan to make sure of that. I was not looking for money for my kids college, it was just an example of why it would make sense to leave some money to me. I would make good use of it. I would much rather have my MOm here than have a million dollars, the money is not the issue its the principle. I would feel the same way if she were married to man, that makes no difference to me. A spouse is a spouse. The thing that bothers me the most right now is that my Mother made a big stink with me to make sure I get something out of my Dad,(she hated him) yet here i found out she left me no money either.

 

[Arielle22]

I see nothing wrong with what your mom did. I don't understand children who expect an inheritance. Why should you judge their relationship and decide your step-mom isn't worthy of the inheritance?

I have 7 siblings and our dad died when we were 9-23 yrs old. Mom never remarried and she died 13 years later. My oldest brother inherited our family home. We all had to pay for the funeral above what her small life insurance policy covered.

None of us held it against our brother that he got the house. That is what she wanted.

 

[rodgers5]

First I am very sorry for your loss , And I hope you can make peace with this outcome. We never think anything bad will every happen to us and some times think we will live forever. Lets face it, our own death is not someting fun to think about. Maybe it wasnt as though through as it should have been or if she knew it would bother you this much she would have done it differently somehow. I wish you could have talked about it to her so you would just have some insite . agian sorry for your loss

 

[Pakey]

I love my adult son more than anyone (he's an only child) but my estate is set up that everything goes to my husband (my son's step-father). My husband and I are a partnership; our assets are pooled in life and they will be upon my death. On the flip side, his estate will be left to me rather than his adult children, for the same reasons.

I have not discussed my estate with my son; it's none of his business actually. He will get my jewelry and a few other personal items. I doubt he expects anything and he knows I love him.

OP, I'm sorry for you loss and I hope that you know that your mother loved you.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I'm going to assume that the bratty tone that is coming across is due to the shock of your mother's death.

Wow, that was TOTALLY unnecessary and mean.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Darsa]

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and do know where you're coming from regarding losing your mom before you felt you should. However in my case, where my mom's benefits are going was waaayyyyy down on my priority list, under taking care of the surviving family, all of the paperwork, the funeral, making sure all of the appropriate people knew... and grieving. I certainly didn't care if I was going to "get any money out of it", and can't imagine EVER caring. That could just be me, though, I dunno.

EDIT: Incidentally, my mom had my dad as survivor for everything. However, they've been together for over 40 years, so that may make a difference for some people.