How would you feel???

[cepmom]

OP, I feel where you are coming from. My father passed away last year and left everything to his wife. Nothing was left to me or my brother. At one point, his will left everything to the 2 of us (brother and me). Then he married his wife and at some point during their marriage, he changed the will to leave everything to her.

They had been married about 14 or 15 years or so when he died. I belive my stepmohter had alot to do with that decision because she had a lot of hard feelings towards me for several years. I am quite sure she badgererd my father into changing the will to exclude me and my brother.

Did it hurt that nothing was left for me? A little. My father and I were not terribly close, but there were no hard feelings when he passed. We talked and visited but there were some hard times growing up that took years of getting past on my end.

I realize I am not obligated to get anything, that his money/estate was his that he worked hard for his whole life. I am not entitled to anything, but it did hurt a little that he didn't leave even one little bit for me. (not even silly sentimental items that I would have cherished)

Stepmother and I have mended our relationship to a point and I am now listed in her will along with her daughter so Dad's estate will be left to me at some point I guess, if there is anything left.

 

[focusondisney]

I love my adult son more than anyone (he's an only child) but my estate is set up that everything goes to my husband (my son's step-father). My husband and I are a partnership; our assets are pooled in life and they will be upon my death. On the flip side, his estate will be left to me rather than his adult children, for the same reasons.

I have not discussed my estate with my son; it's none of his business actually. He will get my jewelry and a few other personal items. I doubt he expects anything and he knows I love him.

OP, I'm sorry for you loss and I hope that you know that your mother loved you.

Agree. Again, 10 years is a long time. And if mom's wife is younger & self sufficiant, maybe a significant portion of the estate really came her earnings. We don't know the financial status of op's mom before or after her marriage. Also perhaps if mom was the major breadwinner, she did feel her wife would need the money more than her daughter did. I know I would probably want a few material things over money, anyway.

 

[connorlevismom]

I had a very good relationship with both parents. Thats not an issue. My Dad had nothing, he was being supported by his wife. I never expected anything from him. As far as my Mom, she had life insurance, recent retirement savings, a 401k. Her spouse was very independant and has lots of siblings and family to get her thru. She is also only 7 years older than me. I have a great relationship with the spouse. Before she came along I was the beneficiary to all of Mom's estate and now that she is in her life seems unfair to completely exclude me of all. Im sure I will get material things as I plan to make sure of that. I was not looking for money for my kids college, it was just an example of why it would make sense to leave some money to me. I would make good use of it. I would much rather have my MOm here than have a million dollars, the money is not the issue its the principle. I would feel the same way if she were married to man, that makes no difference to me. A spouse is a spouse. The thing that bothers me the most right now is that my Mother made a big stink with me to make sure I get something out of my Dad,(she hated him) yet here i found out she left me no money either.

The bolded part is where I don't understand where your coming from.

I have a lot of siblings and family as well but if my DH passed, they would not financially take care of me. Emotionally, yes.

They would have expected that DH and I would have gotten that taken care of and planned for it. Why would you think her siblings should take care of her because her wife passed?

Also, not sure why it is an issue that she is only 7 years older than you. Why should that matter in this scenario?

Kristine

 

[punkin]

My grandmother used to state this all the time. She was married to my grandfather for almost 50 years. But she always said, I love him but he's a man I met and married. My children are a part of me, they are me.

I love my adult son more than anyone (he's an only child) but my estate is set up that everything goes to my husband (my son's step-father). My husband and I are a partnership; our assets are pooled in life and they will be upon my death.

Here we have two polarly opposite world views, and neither one is wrong. They are just different. I tend to agree with the first one. Right now my will leaves everything to DH, BUT he is the father of my children. I have every expectation that he will take care of them. If he was my second husband, you bet some money would go directly to the kids (or in trust since they are minors).

 

[Northstar]

I had a very good relationship with both parents. Thats not an issue. My Dad had nothing, he was being supported by his wife. I never expected anything from him. As far as my Mom, she had life insurance, recent retirement savings, a 401k. Her spouse was very independant and has lots of siblings and family to get her thru. She is also only 7 years older than me. I have a great relationship with the spouse. Before she came along I was the beneficiary to all of Mom's estate and now that she is in her life seems unfair to completely exclude me of all. Im sure I will get material things as I plan to make sure of that. I was not looking for money for my kids college, it was just an example of why it would make sense to leave some money to me. I would make good use of it. I would much rather have my MOm here than have a million dollars, the money is not the issue its the principle. I would feel the same way if she were married to man, that makes no difference to me. A spouse is a spouse. The thing that bothers me the most right now is that my Mother made a big stink with me to make sure I get something out of my Dad,(she hated him) yet here i found out she left me no money either.

Oh, this is important information about why you're feeling mad at your mom about her will. It's kind of hypocritical, isn't it... that she was pumping you up with the arguments that you deserve something from your dad, it's not right to leave everything to the 2nd spouse, you need to stand up for your rights... and all the time she knew that she hadn't adhered to those ideas in her own will.
But I bet there was some guilt involved, you know? She nagged you to get money from him because she knew you wouldn't be getting money from her.

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[crashbb]

Oh, this is important information about why you're feeling mad at your mom about her will. It's kind of hypocritical, isn't it... that she was pumping you up with the arguments that you deserve something from your dad, it's not right to leave everything to the 2nd spouse, you need to stand up for your rights... and all the time she knew that she hadn't adhered to those ideas in her own will.
But I bet there was some guilt involved, you know? She nagged you to get money from him because she knew you wouldn't be getting money from her.

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I'm thinking that your last idea (assuaging guilt) is likely right.

OP, if you are close to your mum's spouse, could you talk to her about, at the very least, getting anything of sentimentality that you might want?

While I agree that people are allowed to leave their money to whoever they want to leave it to, it does sound like this could have been done in a way to leave a lot less bitter feeling.

 

[Buckalew11]

Here we have two polarly opposite world views, and neither one is wrong. They are just different. I tend to agree with the first one. Right now my will leaves everything to DH, BUT he is the father of my children. I have every expectation that he will take care of them. If he was my second husband, you bet some money would go directly to the kids (or in trust since they are minors).

This is true for me also. I inherited a bit of money from my grandmother and I'm seeing to it that my DD gets left some of that. It was her great grandmother and great grandfather's $ and I feel it should go to her in case I was to die younger and DH remarried. I would not want a stranger having my grandparent's hard earned $. I feel very strongly about this as do my sister's for their children.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

I know how you feel.

When my grandmother died, she left everything to my step-grandfather. They had written up a joint will, where everything would go to the surviving spouse upon death, and then upon the death of the second spouse, everything would be split between my grandfather's son and my dad and his sister. After her death, my grandfather changed the will to leave everything to his son and his 'real' grandkids without telling any of us - we found out after his death.

I didn't need any money from him - we're quite secure financially - it's the principle of it - that he betrayed my grandma's last wishes, and that he didn't see us as his 'real' family, even though he was the only grandfather I knew growing up (he married my widowed grandmother before I was born). Although I always thought of him as 'grandpa', obviously he didn't see me the same as his son's kids. It's hard not to feel bitter after the fact, when you can't confront someone about their actions and choices.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Here we have two polarly opposite world views, and neither one is wrong. They are just different. I tend to agree with the first one. Right now my will leaves everything to DH, BUT he is the father of my children. I have every expectation that he will take care of them. If he was my second husband, you bet some money would go directly to the kids (or in trust since they are minors).

These are my feelings, too. If I were ever to divorce or become widowed, then remarry, I would leave some of my assets to my husband, and some to my kids.

OP, I'm so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose your second parent so soon after losing the first. I think your feelings are completely natural.

 

[luvsJack]

I can kind of understand your feelings. I don't think you are exactly being unreasonable but I think that you need to just accept what your mother chose to do.

My mother is a widow and if she had chosen to remarry and then left what I felt was the estate that her and my father built up to her second husband, I would be hurt. As a family, we all were upset with my uncle who left everything, including some family land and money, to his third wife rather than his children.

I think its somewhat normal to be hurt by something like that, but just like the other stages in mourning; it will pass.

I am sorry for your loss . Just don't let what is hurting you about her estate consume you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Here we have two polarly opposite world views, and neither one is wrong. They are just different. I tend to agree with the first one. Right now my will leaves everything to DH, BUT he is the father of my children. I have every expectation that he will take care of them. If he was my second husband, you bet some money would go directly to the kids (or in trust since they are minors).

Agree. I would go out of my way on a second marriage to leave something to my girls, either thru prenups, trusts, wills, etc...

That being said I don't plan on another marriage but you never know.

 

[krcit]

OP, I'm very sorry for the loss of your parents. I can understand your feeling hurt, I'm sure I would also.

 

[lukenick1]

The bolded part is where I don't understand where your coming from.

I have a lot of siblings and family as well but if my DH passed, they would not financially take care of me. Emotionally, yes.

They would have expected that DH and I would have gotten that taken care of and planned for it. Why would you think her siblings should take care of her because her wife passed?

Also, not sure why it is an issue that she is only 7 years older than you. Why should that matter in this scenario?

Kristine

OMG.... if I knew how to multi quote people comments and questions maybe this would all make sense. Ugh!!! Someone had asked if she maybe had no one in her life so Mom felt the need to make sure she was taken care of. Never said her siblings should take care financially of her. Boy your are twisting my words around BIG TIME!!!!! Never said it was an issue that she is 7 years older than me. Someone had commented that maybe she was older and closer to retirement and would need the money to help her. I was only responding to previous comments. Listen......I was not asking to be judged or bashed here. I was merely only asking how YOU would feel. Why are some people SOOOOO opinionated???? This boards is supposed to be supportive and a place for people to vent on occasion. Why are making an argument out of this???

 

[bicker]

I think she should have provided for her children and/or grandchildren as part of her final wishes, whether she was married to a man or a woman.

I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of second-guessing anyone with regard to how they distribute the proceeds of their life after death, when they have no minor children. That is simply going too far into imposing one's own personal preferences onto someone else. There is no legitimate foundation for any entitlement by or obligation to adult children and other family members. Such an assertion is no different than asserting that someone shouldn't make their own choice whether they be buried versus cremated after they die.

 

[BCDisneyFanatic]

OMG.... if I knew how to multi quote people comments and questions maybe this would all make sense. Ugh!!! Someone had asked if she maybe had no one in her life so Mom felt the need to make sure she was taken care of. Never said her siblings should take care financially of her. Boy your are twisting my words around BIG TIME!!!!! Never said it was an issue that she is 7 years older than me. Someone had commented that maybe she was older and closer to retirement and would need the money to help her. I was only responding to previous comments. Listen......I was not asking to be judged or bashed here. I was merely only asking how YOU would feel. Why are some people SOOOOO opinionated???? This boards is supposed to be supportive and a place for people to vent on occasion. Why are making an argument out of this???

Your question was reasonable. While some may feel that your mom's actions were fair, that doesn't justify bashing you about how you feel.

I hope you can find some peace with your parents' passing.

 

[dislaney]

OMG.... if I knew how to multi quote people comments and questions maybe this would all make sense. Ugh!!! Someone had asked if she maybe had no one in her life so Mom felt the need to make sure she was taken care of. Never said her siblings should take care financially of her. Boy your are twisting my words around BIG TIME!!!!! Never said it was an issue that she is 7 years older than me. Someone had commented that maybe she was older and closer to retirement and would need the money to help her. I was only responding to previous comments. Listen......I was not asking to be judged or bashed here. I was merely only asking how YOU would feel. Why are some people SOOOOO opinionated???? This boards is supposed to be supportive and a place for people to vent on occasion. Why are making an argument out of this???

Although I know my parents are under no obligation to leave me anything I would have been slightly hurt as well. I'm really sorry for your losses.

 

[Kim&Chris]

OMG.... if I knew how to multi quote people comments and questions maybe this would all make sense. Ugh!!! Someone had asked if she maybe had no one in her life so Mom felt the need to make sure she was taken care of. Never said her siblings should take care financially of her. Boy your are twisting my words around BIG TIME!!!!! Never said it was an issue that she is 7 years older than me. Someone had commented that maybe she was older and closer to retirement and would need the money to help her. I was only responding to previous comments. Listen......I was not asking to be judged or bashed here. I was merely only asking how YOU would feel. Why are some people SOOOOO opinionated???? This boards is supposed to be supportive and a place for people to vent on occasion. Why are making an argument out of this???

OP, I feel for you. People can be very judgemental when they can remain anonymous.

 

[javaj]

I'm sorry for your loss. I totally understand how you feel.

If one of your biological parents left everything to the other biological parent, then that would make more sense to me. But if your Mom's partner passes away, then she passes on whatever your Mom left her to somebody else.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but hopefully you can get past this and have good memories of your Mother.

 

[Allison]

Yes, you are being unreasonable and it's not a matter of fair. She was an adult who had every right to do what she wanted to do with her estate.

 

[connorlevismom]

I had a very good relationship with both parents. Thats not an issue. My Dad had nothing, he was being supported by his wife. I never expected anything from him. As far as my Mom, she had life insurance, recent retirement savings, a 401k. Her spouse was very independant and has lots of siblings and family to get her thru. She is also only 7 years older than me. I have a great relationship with the spouse. Before she came along I was the beneficiary to all of Mom's estate and now that she is in her life seems unfair to completely exclude me of all. Im sure I will get material things as I plan to make sure of that. I was not looking for money for my kids college, it was just an example of why it would make sense to leave some money to me. I would make good use of it. I would much rather have my MOm here than have a million dollars, the money is not the issue its the principle. I would feel the same way if she were married to man, that makes no difference to me. A spouse is a spouse. The thing that bothers me the most right now is that my Mother made a big stink with me to make sure I get something out of my Dad,(she hated him) yet here i found out she left me no money either.

The bolded part is where I don't understand where your coming from.

I have a lot of siblings and family as well but if my DH passed, they would not financially take care of me. Emotionally, yes.

They would have expected that DH and I would have gotten that taken care of and planned for it. Why would you think her siblings should take care of her because her wife passed?

Also, not sure why it is an issue that she is only 7 years older than you. Why should that matter in this scenario?

Kristine

I am sorry but I was not being judgemental, I was asking a question. And I was responding to your exact words so I am not sure how I am twisting your words. I understand your upset, but please don't accuse me of doing something that I am not.

Kristine