How would you feel???

[m&m's mom]

OP- I personally would have been very hurt!
There is nothing worse than having something happen that you so deserately want an explanation on and the person is not living anymore to provide that needed explanation.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this at your time of grief.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Yes I most definitely would.....how could she leave it all to someone she has only known for 10 years when she had a child and grandchildren?? It's just not fair.

I think you are right. Regardless of gender, I think the daughter should have gotten the bulk of the estate. I'm so sorry for your loss and that this is making things worse. It would be a slap in the face to me, too.

 

[lukenick1]

OP- I personally would have been very hurt!
There is nothing worse than having something happen that you so deserately want an explanation on and the person is not living anymore to provide that needed explanation.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this at your time of grief.

Thank you.....your Dog is adorable!!!!! awwwww

 

[lukenick1]

I think you are right. Regardless of gender, I think the daughter should have gotten the bulk of the estate. I'm so sorry for your loss and that this is making things worse. It would be a slap in the face to me, too.

Thank you.....seems like 90% of this thread agree with me

 

[lukenick1]

I am sorry you are hurt, you already posted how bitter you are and anger oozes from several of your posts. Hopefully time will help heal you and you can move forward.

good luck to you.

The anger you hear oozing is frustration of having to keep repeating myself to those who are against me. I am not losing sleep over this topic trust me! Its not worth it. I am still now, just as much as the day she died, (4 weeks ago) grieving over my Mom regardless of this decision. I miss her more than anything, and feel like someone needs to pinch me cuz I'm in a nightmare. It is hard to accept she is gone (so unexpectedly) and that Dad is gone so soon and so close to each other. I had only been grieving my Dad not even 2 weeks when Mom suffered a hemorrhage.
Just for the record....not asking for sympathy. Only venting.

 

[Stacerita]

Its in your opinion. But yes your husband is someone you met and married. Not your blood, or someone you created. You may be with him for 50 years, and you may feel like he is part of you, but in reality he's not. I love my husband, but not like I love my kids.

People get divoreced all the time, what is it like 50-60%. How many people disown their children. You have a connection to them your whole life. We can agree to disagree. But my husband and children will never be in the same category.

I hope your husband doesn't read that. That sounds so cold.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I hope your husband doesn't read that. That sounds so cold.

Like I said to each their own. Been married 20 years this year with 2 kids. He knows how I feel. We've been together for 27 years and been through lots of rough times. Many would have thrown the towel in from what I read on here. But we stuck it out through the good and bad times.

I love him just not the same as my kids. Its a different love and it will always be.

Sorry but I don't believe all this self righteous crap on this thread. Makes me laugh. The majority is so quick to defend this mother giving her money to her spouse but so many walk away from marriage nowadays like its no big deal.

Whats cold to me is both parents of the OP forgetting her. And then with her mourning, the recent loss of both parents and the pain she is going through , here comes the name calling, thoughtless, flamers who have started to attack in full force.

This is what is ridiculous and cold to me. Flame away at me if you must at least I know you're leaving the OP alone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Its in your opinion. But yes your husband is someone you met and married. Not your blood, or someone you created. You may be with him for 50 years, and you may feel like he is part of you, but in reality he's not. I love my husband, but not like I love my kids.

People get divoreced all the time, what is it like 50-60%. How many people disown their children. You have a connection to them your whole life. We can agree to disagree. But my husband and children will never be in the same category.

I am truly speechless. I agree that I do not love my husband in the same way as I love my children (that would be kind of sick you know?) but I certainly love him as much and as strongly. I also see our roles as mutually dependent for LIFE whereas I see my role with my children as needing to take completely dependent beings and create fully independent (from me) beings. I hope to ALWAYS maintain a close and loving relationship with my children when they are grown and I hope I am able to help them out both emotionally and financially if they need it and if my help would really be help and not just enabling something, but I am not raising them to expect that they are owed anything monetarily once grown. Likewise, DHs parents have helped all of their kids out once in a while and my own parents did once. We have been grateful for every time and NEVER expected it and were genuinely surprised at the first offers. On the other hand, DH and I do expect each other to be there financially and emotionally for each other forever.

The anger you hear oozing is frustration of having to keep repeating myself to those who are against me. I am not losing sleep over this topic trust me! Its not worth it. I am still now, just as much as the day she died, (4 weeks ago) grieving over my Mom regardless of this decision. I miss her more than anything, and feel like someone needs to pinch me cuz I'm in a nightmare. It is hard to accept she is gone (so unexpectedly) and that Dad is gone so soon and so close to each other. I had only been grieving my Dad not even 2 weeks when Mom suffered a hemorrhage.
Just for the record....not asking for sympathy. Only venting.

Well I still have sympathy for you. It must be very hard to have lost her--it sounds like you are very close with her. To be fair, you did ask in your title how others would feel and in the OP if you are being unreasonable. Most people are just giving their honest opinions as answers to your questions.
To be clear--when I brought up only children, I was not so much wondering about you but about all the other posters who kept bringing that up. It seemed many were feeding a stereotype which I can't stand with the way they were using that in their arguments. Anyway, I am very sorry that you have also lost your sister at a young age You have had a lot of tragedy in your life.

 

[smidgy]

not knowing your relationship with your mom:

I think normally, parents who remarry still leave their children and grandchildren at least something. Often adult children feel "left out" when they were expecting to inherit the family house, , etc, and then mom or dad remarries. esp. if the new marriage didn't last very long. of course, none of us should "expect" anything, but I can see how it would be hard to see, say, the home you grew up in, left to s new person, and then passed down to their children, and out of your family entirely.

whether or not the deceased parent remarried someone of the same or opposite sex has nothing to do with it.(IMO)

 

[disfan07]

I havent read everything but...

what gets to me about the OP is that she keeps sayign that she believes she is "entitled" to the money.

No ONe is entitled to their parents money.
My grandparents are very very well off. My mom already knows how the estate will be split between her and her brothers but she certainly has never expected to get what we will be getting. She was actually surprised they put that much aside for their children.
So yes, my mom will be getting money when my grandparents die BUT, she doesn't believe she is entitled to it.

I know that there will probably be very little to nothing left when something happens to my parents but I don't feel like I am entitle to anything form them.

It's the sense of entitlement that I get from the OP that irks me.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I am truly speechless. I agree that I do not love my husband in the same way as I love my children (that would be kind of sick you know?) but I certainly love him as much and as strongly. I also see our roles as mutually dependent for LIFE whereas I see my role with my children as needing to take completely dependent beings and create fully independent (from me) beings. I hope to ALWAYS maintain a close and loving relationship with my children when they are grown and I hope I am able to help them out both emotionally and financially if they need it and if my help would really be help and not just enabling something, but I am not raising them to expect that they are owed anything monetarily once grown. Likewise, DHs parents have helped all of their kids out once in a while and my own parents did once. We have been grateful for every time and NEVER expected it and were genuinely surprised at the first offers. On the other hand, DH and I do expect each other to be there financially and emotionally for each other forever.

.

I never said I didn't love my husband as strongly as my kids. Through our rough times this year, we could never have made it through if our love wasn't strong. I just said its a different kind of love.

My mom and I are very close. We talk EVERYDAY and I see her 3-4 x's a week. I just can't fathom some of these comments where these posters feel their job is done when their child turns 18.

We are way off topic here. I don't feel the OP is "entitled " to the money but it would have been nice for her mom to leave her some, especially since this partner was not her father.

Like I said, I have a good relationship with my mom. I know everything about her affairs should something happen. OP, did you and your mom never talk about what if? My mom is still young, 62, but she wants me to know everything so there aren't any surprises.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I never said I didn't love my husband as strongly as my kids. Through our rough times this year, we could never have made it through if our love wasn't strong. I just said its a different kind of love.

My mom and I are very close. We talk EVERYDAY and I see her 3-4 x's a week. I just can't fathom some of these comments where these posters feel their job is done when their child turns 18.

We are way off topic here. I don't feel the OP is "entitled " to the money but it would have been nice for her mom to leave her some, especially since this partner was not her father.

Like I said, I have a good relationship with my mom. I know everything about her affairs should something happen. OP, did you and your mom never talk about what if? My mom is still young, 62, but she wants me to know everything so there aren't any surprises.

I am sorry I misunderstood you--and I really am glad it works for you and your DH and that you have such a strong and loving relationship. I read these two sentences:
I love my husband, but not like I love my kids.
But my husband and children will never be in the same category
An interpreted them to mean you do not have as strong of a love for your DH as you do for your kids but now I can see it just means you love them in a different way.

What you posted has been bothering me all morning though and I want to ask you a question about this part:

yes your husband is someone you met and married. Not your blood, or someone you created. You may be with him for 50 years, and you may feel like he is part of you, but in reality he's not

Adopted children are "not your blood" or "someone you created" either. While a child is certainly vastly different than a spouse--as far as this reasoning goes it sounds as if you would feel that biological children have a greater claim on inheritance for parents than do adopted ones. I cannot imagine that you really feel this, so can you please explain if it is not truly genetics that makes the difference, what does Or, I supposed you could explain that you do feel genetics makes the difference and an adopted child in a family should receive less than biological ones, but again I really doubt you feel that way (I have met one person in my life who felt adoption was wrong and should not occur and probably would say that--but you do not stroke me that way at all).

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

I hope your husband doesn't read that. That sounds so cold.

To you maybe. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Like I said to each their own. Been married 20 years this year with 2 kids. He knows how I feel. We've been together for 27 years and been through lots of rough times. Many would have thrown the towel in from what I read on here. But we stuck it out through the good and bad times.

I love him just not the same as my kids. Its a different love and it will always be.

Sorry but I don't believe all this self righteous crap on this thread. Makes me laugh. The majority is so quick to defend this mother giving her money to her spouse but so many walk away from marriage nowadays like its no big deal.

Whats cold to me is both parents of the OP forgetting her. And then with her mourning, the recent loss of both parents and the pain she is going through , here comes the name calling, thoughtless, flamers who have started to attack in full force.

This is what is ridiculous and cold to me. Flame away at me if you must at least I know you're leaving the OP alone.

Very well stated!

 

[connorlevismom]

Its in your opinion. But yes your husband is someone you met and married. Not your blood, or someone you created. You may be with him for 50 years, and you may feel like he is part of you, but in reality he's not. I love my husband, but not like I love my kids.

People get divoreced all the time, what is it like 50-60%. How many people disown their children. You have a connection to them your whole life. We can agree to disagree. But my husband and children will never be in the same category.

My husband and kids will never be in the same catagory either. Not in the same way as yours, however. I don't view my marraige like you do, I don't see it as something that might not last. I see my DH as someone that will be with me forever. I do see him as a part of me. Just as much as my kids are a part of me.

Using your logic, if your husband is not your blood, which means to you he is not a part of you, how would you feel about adopted kids? They are not your blood either, so apparently you would love them less than your "real" kids? You met and adopted them, but you did not create them. So you don't love them the same. Good thing you did not have problems getting pregnant.

The anger you hear oozing is frustration of having to keep repeating myself to those who are against me. I am not losing sleep over this topic trust me! Its not worth it. I am still now, just as much as the day she died, (4 weeks ago) grieving over my Mom regardless of this decision. I miss her more than anything, and feel like someone needs to pinch me cuz I'm in a nightmare. It is hard to accept she is gone (so unexpectedly) and that Dad is gone so soon and so close to each other. I had only been grieving my Dad not even 2 weeks when Mom suffered a hemorrhage.
Just for the record....not asking for sympathy. Only venting.

Nobody is "against" you. People are not agreeing with you, that is not being against you. That sounds like a really immature thing to say.

Kristine

 

[connorlevismom]

Adopted children are "not your blood" or "someone you created" either. While a child is certainly vastly different than a spouse--as far as this reasoning goes it sounds as if you would feel that biological children have a greater claim on inheritance for parents than do adopted ones. I cannot imagine that you really feel this, so can you please explain if it is not truly genetics that makes the difference, what does Or, I supposed you could explain that you do feel genetics makes the difference and an adopted child in a family should receive less than biological ones, but again I really doubt you feel that way (I have met one person in my life who felt adoption was wrong and should not occur and probably would say that--but you do not stroke me that way at all).

We must be on the same page today. I posted kind of the same thing. That really bothered me as well.

kristine

 

[lukenick1]

I havent read everything but...

what gets to me about the OP is that she keeps sayign that she believes she is "entitled" to the money.

No ONe is entitled to their parents money.
My grandparents are very very well off. My mom already knows how the estate will be split between her and her brothers but she certainly has never expected to get what we will be getting. She was actually surprised they put that much aside for their children.
So yes, my mom will be getting money when my grandparents die BUT, she doesn't believe she is entitled to it.

I know that there will probably be very little to nothing left when something happens to my parents but I don't feel like I am entitle to anything form them.

It's the sense of entitlement that I get from the OP that irks me.

I never said my parents owe me something and I never expected it. I never expected my MOm to die so young and out of no where either. But when I was told by the spouse a few days ago, that I, and my niece (my deceased sister's daughter), were her beneficiaries, It hurts me that as sooon as this spouse came along, we were cut out. We deserved to get some of it!

 

[lukenick1]

OP, did you and your mom never talk about what if? My mom is still young, 62, but she wants me to know everything so there aren't any surprises.

Yes we did....a while ago, pre spouse. Mom had given me all of her paperwork, life insurance, retirement savings, etc. I, as well as my niece, were to split her estate. Little did I know that once the spouse came into the picture we were both excluded completely from it all. They werent even legally married yet when the Will was changed. She did tell me recently that if they were to die together, then I would get 1/2 of their stuff and spouse's brother would get the other 1/2. Spouse has no children.

 

[lillygator]

I am truly speechless. I agree that I do not love my husband in the same way as I love my children (that would be kind of sick you know?) but I certainly love him as much and as strongly. I also see our roles as mutually dependent for LIFE whereas I see my role with my children as needing to take completely dependent beings and create fully independent (from me) beings. I hope to ALWAYS maintain a close and loving relationship with my children when they are grown and I hope I am able to help them out both emotionally and financially if they need it and if my help would really be help and not just enabling something, but I am not raising them to expect that they are owed anything monetarily once grown. Likewise, DHs parents have helped all of their kids out once in a while and my own parents did once. We have been grateful for every time and NEVER expected it and were genuinely surprised at the first offers. On the other hand, DH and I do expect each other to be there financially and emotionally for each other forever.

Me too and that poster made a point to say they created thier children, what about the couples who adopt? They didn't create the child together??

I locve my children with everything I have, as I do my husband.

 

[lukenick1]

My husband and kids will never be in the same catagory either. Not in the same way as yours, however. I don't view my marraige like you do, I don't see it as something that might not last. I see my DH as someone that will be with me forever. I do see him as a part of me. Just as much as my kids are a part of me.

Using your logic, if your husband is not your blood, which means to you he is not a part of you, how would you feel about adopted kids? They are not your blood either, so apparently you would love them less than your "real" kids? You met and adopted them, but you did not create them. So you don't love them the same. Good thing you did not have problems getting pregnant.




Kristine

Oye Vey!!!!!!! Sorry I ever started this thread. Sorry Roliepolieolie!!!!

 

[bicker]

I think a major reason why there is so much conflict in this thread is that there is a difference of perspective as to whether someone should be granted an unrebutted soap-box to vent, in a public discussion forum. I'm not talking about expecting replies to be free of personal attacks -- that is clearly an expectation that everyone has an unequivocal right to, and I doubt anyone in this thread would disagree with that, not one bit. I'm talking about replying to an issue raised, on its own merits, without rancor or intent to harm, but still being open, honest, forth-right, and comprehensive.

As I alluded to, folks -- all of them reasonable -- disagree about this. It is not something that everyone feels the same way about. Those who feel one way will refrain from replying substantively to the issues raised, while those who feel the other way will contribute their perspectives. Neither group is wrong, nor should be held to be wrong, for doing so. Both are reasonable perspectives; both have substantial merit; both decisions should be respected equally.

Again, that doesn't excuse comments that are something other than addressing the issue, such as personal attacks. There is no defense for calling someone a greedy person, for example. Folks who choose to contribute need to understand that there is a difference between calling someone a greedy person (which is wrong) and saying that a perspective is a greedy perspective (which is appropriate). If you feel a certain way about some concept, you should express your comment with regard to the concept, not turn that into a personal attack on the person who expressed or supports that concept.

Unfortunately, we cannot reasonably expect to control the manner in which everyone expresses their perspectives, so as a result I always recommend folks posting online about issues that cut close to their heart to think twice about what you really want. If you want to just put out your feelings and have others read them, then you really want to post that to a blog or your Facebook page or something like that, where you have total control, and can even delete replies you don't like or prevent people you don't want replies from from posting replies. (Facebook is great for this!) I've done this dozens of times over the last couple of years (especially) when I needed to express feelings and didn't want to invite any replies other than supportive ones. It really has been very cathartic at times. I highly recommend it. Once, even, after working through an issue in my own heart, that way, I brought the issue here to the Community Board. At that point, I felt ready to see what other folks thought, and indeed, some of the comments were not in concert with my feelings. That was okay; I knew what I was getting into posting on the DIS Community Board.

A few times in the past we've discussed the idea of having a separate venting forum here on the DIS, where a poster can post things, and replies are precluded. That's a feature available in the vBulletin software. Actually, I've seen a later version of the vBulletin software running on some other forums, and it includes a Blog for each user. That would be great if we could get that here.