How to stop gifts at age 21 when others are younger?

[eliza61]

wow - there is a set age for no gifts??

Yep, it's the age when you say, I'm not buying a gift for XYZ. The problem isn't the gift IMO the problem is like much of our value system, Christmas is no longer a holy season, it is now a consumer season with twinkly lights.

I've never understood the mentality that some one "has" to get a gift.

I think I read a story last christmas that said when ask the question "Why do we celebrate Christmas" 8/10 8 year olds answered "to get toys".

We give them the message that every tom, dick and Harry who is related to them should come through the door with a gift. and then act shocked and shaken when all they see in relatives is one big piggy bank.

Sorry, off my soap box.

OP, if 21 is the age you decide to cutback on the presents, they should be able to respectfully deal with it. NO one is OWED a present simply because of being born into a family. Gift giving should be some thing from your heart not a family obligation to endure.

 

[MELSMICE]

My DD is the oldest on both sides. I have sent the cut off that the last year of a 4 year college education is the cut off. This is the last year that my DD will receive gifts in the "children's" category.

A few people on both sides mentioned putting her in the adult category previously, but I said that while they are in college they most likely can not afford the gift exchanges we do ($50 per person for DH's side & $150 per person on my side). I would end up paying for her gifts.

I also set the birthday cut off as 18. Funny though.............DH's siblings sent their last gift when she was 18. My IL's still send gifts. My siblings & parents still send her gifts.

I personally think if you don't specify something about a cut off or the protocol for your family that it can get out of hand. That's not to say a small thoughtful gift isn't nice & something I wouldn't do.

 

[blackforest]

We had the reverse happen to us.

Our children are the youngest of all the grandchildren. Even though we mailed birthday gifts to every niece and nephew for all of their growing up years, once those neices and nephews turned into adults...their parents no longer sent MY children birthday gifts. Even though they were all below 5 years old at the time.

It's like: "well, now that we've finished childhood, no more gifts for anyone!"

My kids never noticed, because they didn't know their cousins were used to receiving gifts from all the aunts and uncles. They don't know they could/should be receiving birthday presents -- or even cards -- from their aunts and uncles.

I think that penalizes the youngest ones just because they were born last.

That's what happened to my 2 DDs, who are grandchildren. They are the same age as the great-grandchildren. This is on my DH's side of the family. So they missed out on Easter egg hunts (because "their kids were too old"), huge family get-togethers at Christmas, because "they wanted to spend time with just their families". I could seriously care less about the money/gifts that we've given them over the years, but don't treat my girls like second class citizens because they happen to fall into the wrong age category!

 

[MrsPete]

Answering who asked what we do for other adults.

There is a Yankee Swamp exchange for anyone who wishes to participate. Completely optional.

We do not buy for other adults specifically.

Then she's moving up to "adult status" and will be included in the exchange. No problem. It would be polite to be sure that she's expecting a change in status. She's not being ignored -- she's just changing categories.

 

[MrsPete]

Yep, it's the age when you say, I'm not buying a gift for XYZ. The problem isn't the gift IMO the problem is like much of our value system, Christmas is no longer a holy season, it is now a consumer season with twinkly lights.

You make a good point. We've sometimes "dressed it up a bit" by saying that Christmas is about giving, or Christmas is about family -- that sounds better than saying it's about gifts -- but you're right: The holiday has essentially pushed Christ out of the way in favor of Santa Claus.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

You make a good point. We've sometimes "dressed it up a bit" by saying that Christmas is about giving, or Christmas is about family -- that sounds better than saying it's about gifts -- but you're right: The holiday has essentially pushed Christ out of the way in favor of Santa Claus.

Totally OT -- Well, I can't argue with that. We are the only ones in either family who attend church. My littlest niece (11) hadn't even heard of the 10 Commandments. Christmas is clearly only about getting gifts for these people. We do host a family Christmas party, but it's mostly so we see dh's family once a year -- they come to collect their goodies, not because they're actually interested in being together.

I work really hard to make Christmas a family time for my nuclear family -- and to keep Christ in Christmas by making sure we participate in a ton of activities at church. I know it is the right thing for my family to do -- but it is disheartening when I give all the kids a little item in their gift bags from the family party that is religious -- meaning of the candy cane ornament, Bible story, etc., and their parents look at me like I'm the "religious nut". Apparently, having any religion at all is what makes me nutty!

It's so bad that when they have a funeral, they literally have to call around and find a minister, because no one has a church home or any affiliation at all. I understand not going all the time, but these people aren't even C & Es -- so why do they say they're celebrating Christmas?

Maria

 

[MELSMICE]

That's what happened to my 2 DDs, who are grandchildren. They are the same age as the great-grandchildren. This is on my DH's side of the family. So they missed out on Easter egg hunts (because "their kids were too old"), huge family get-togethers at Christmas, because "they wanted to spend time with just their families". I could seriously care less about the money/gifts that we've given them over the years, but don't treat my girls like second class citizens because they happen to fall into the wrong age category!

This is something that I think can be a tough situation.

My DD's are the oldest of all the grandchildren on both sides. They will, most likely, have their own families before anyone else does & it will probably get to the point where they will spend one day with our family of 5 + spouses & children & then the other day with their in-laws.

This will mean they may not be doing things with their younger cousins like we do know. It's not good or bad or meant to hurt anyone, it's just the way the cycle goes.

I remember DH telling his mom one year that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas Eve with her family any more, which included her sisters, brother & his cousins (he is also the oldest on both sides) because it was getting too difficult with having kids. It was going to change & we would celebrate Christmas Eve with my family (which was always our big day) & Christmas day with DH's immediate family (which was always their big day). She was not happy, but it was what was best for our family. Again, not right or wrong & not meant to hurt, just a change we felt we had to make.

 

[sritter78]

We have been trying to convince our aunts that they need to stop buying presents for the adults and only do the kids.

There are 6 adults (5 with spouses--11 total) and 9 kids. The 3 aunts buy individual presents for each of us @ around $20-25 per person.

I believe this is CRAZY, but they want to do it!

 

[indimom]

Well, I'll be the odd man out...
We don't buy Christmas gifts for each niece and nephew and never have.

We have 24 nieces and nephews, two great nieces, and two sort-of step nieces and nephews (it's a L-O-N-G story and I've never met them, but they do exhist and might be hurt if they were "singled out"). My nieces and nephews range in age from 2-23, and live from Oklahoma to Florida. It's just too complicated to figure out and would be too expensive even if I could.

At our family parties, we have a name exchange for the "under 18 crowd" and a white elephant exhange for anyone over 18. Honestly, the adult gift exchange is the BEST. The women bring a woman's gift, the men bring a man's gift; and we have had all-out battles over some pretty awesome gifts. It's so much fun, tons of laughs.
All the "kids" know they will be moving up at 18, and they all seem to have a real good time with the new exchange.
Maybe it's because we never started with multiple gifts at the family parties, but no one seemed bothered in the least by "outgrowing" the kids exchange.

 

[maddiesmom0116]

Totally OT -- Well, I can't argue with that. We are the only ones in either family who attend church. My littlest niece (11) hadn't even heard of the 10 Commandments. Christmas is clearly only about getting gifts for these people. We do host a family Christmas party, but it's mostly so we see dh's family once a year -- they come to collect their goodies, not because they're actually interested in being together.

I work really hard to make Christmas a family time for my nuclear family -- and to keep Christ in Christmas by making sure we participate in a ton of activities at church. I know it is the right thing for my family to do -- but it is disheartening when I give all the kids a little item in their gift bags from the family party that is religious -- meaning of the candy cane ornament, Bible story, etc., and their parents look at me like I'm the "religious nut". Apparently, having any religion at all is what makes me nutty!

It's so bad that when they have a funeral, they literally have to call around and find a minister, because no one has a church home or any affiliation at all. I understand not going all the time, but these people aren't even C & Es -- so why do they say they're celebrating Christmas?

Maria

I have a nephew who at 8 years old on Christmas Eve asked me who Jesus was and why did we keep bringing him up. My Sis, his mom grew up going to church every Wednesday and Sunday, but she has totally dropped it from her life. It is truly sad the reason for the season seems to be lost on many.

OP- I sympathize I have a niece that is 18 now and in college and her brother is now 14, I want to drop her down to adult spending level ($35) but it is hard to get her brother more than her. I do need it to stop someday though or I am afraid I never will and financially I need too. She is my favorite and I have no issue at all spending a $100 on her, but as the others come of age, I would really like to stop and it will be harder if I don't stop for her now. I am sorry, I know I should love them the same, but honestly, I just don't(they of course have always been treated equally as far as gifts go).
Please post what you decide to do.

 

[ILoveDisney&Cruising]

a meaningless gift card swap amongst the grown ups because no one takes the time to actually figure out something the person would actually like.

Oooooo! This is my inlaws EXACTLY!!!!!!! Drives me

I would MUCH rather DH's siblings all agree to go a dinner and/or show to spend time together (and getting to know each other as adults! all are in their 40's but really don't know each other. it's sad, really) ... but here I am, stuck with the stinking gift card exchange.

I told him last year, that if they insist on doing that this year, I'm giving a PetSmart gift card (at least they all do have pets - and a good sense of humor, I'll give 'em that) ... but really ... there are only so many Red Robin, Ruby Tuesday, Red Lobster gift cards I can tolerate being passed around. I mean ... change it up, people!!!!

I guess to me, it's like "let's just swap $25, cuz nobody puts ANY effort into it anyway!"

I'd much rather share a memory (hence, the going out together). Cuz 5 years from now, is anybody going to remember that Red Robin burger I gave 'em? BTW, that's not really what we gave, I'm just using it as an example. Although, I honestly can't remember WHAT we gave ... further making my point. I only know I don't typically shop at RR.

 

[skhermsmeyer]

This is exactly what my family does. Kids under 18 get gifts from everyone, people over 18 get into the adult gift swap. I'm sure it won't be a huge deal to most 18 year olds.

This is what my family did. Everybody knew it stopped at 18 and then you got into the adult swap. It shouldn't be a big deal at 18. They are adults and can handle it.

 

[luvmy3]

I have a nephew who at 8 years old on Christmas Eve asked me who Jesus was and why did we keep bringing him up. My Sis, his mom grew up going to church every Wednesday and Sunday, but she has totally dropped it from her life. It is truly sad the reason for the season seems to be lost on many.

With all due respect, its not lost, the season means different things to different people. Unfortunately board rules prevent me from commenting further, but the non religious traditions of the Christmas Season have been around for a very very long time.


OP, our family is in a similiar position this year. We pick names for our nieces and nephews, their ages range from 7 to 21. We never set an age limit, but now some want to discontinue gift giving to those over 18 and some don't. I still see them as my nieces and nephews, so I think when they are moved out and supporting themselves completely then they can be considered adults. As long as they are still living home I'll still get them gifts.

 

[windycitymom]

Oooooo! This is my inlaws EXACTLY!!!!!!! Drives me

I told him last year, that if they insist on doing that this year, I'm giving a PetSmart gift card (at least they all do have pets - and a good sense of humor, I'll give 'em that) ... but really ... there are only so many Red Robin, Ruby Tuesday, Red Lobster gift cards I can tolerate being passed around. I mean ... change it up, people!!!!

I guess to me, it's like "let's just swap $25, cuz nobody puts ANY effort into it anyway!"

Personally, I would get much more enjoyment from a $25 GC from Red Lobster than more "stuff" that I don't need or want.

 

[beaucoup]

Thanks for the replies.

DH & I have decided to move her into the adult gift swap. It shouldn't be a surprise to her. On her 21st birthday this year, we gave her much more than usual. Hopefully that was a reminder it was also the end of gifts from aunt & uncle. Of course we still love her and will send cards, we just are not in the position to give gifts for the rest of her life.

We are lucky in a sense that swapping gifts is not a big part of our family Christmas tradition with relatives.

Her grandparents might, but we can not.

DH & I both said we never even received gifts from our aunts & uncles at all growing up. Birthdays or Christmas. She's luckier than most too probably.

 

[Evi]

I totally agree with the comment someone made about how the holidays have become very consumeristic and lost much of its meaning. I also get why you don't want to give some people gifts be it for budget reasons or other. I think ultimately its about what your comfortable doing and what the holidays mean to you. I have a very large family and I have those who do not buy anyone gifts. But when I host Christmas I make sure everyone has something to unwrap even if its a bottle of wine. But that makes me happy. Its not about the money its just I like everyone to be a part of something I don't want someone to feel left out.

 

[vsimeone]

Answering who asked what we do for other adults.

There is a Yankee Swamp exchange for anyone who wishes to participate. Completely optional.

We do not buy for other adults specifically.

I didn't read all the responses but this is what we do also. We stop buying gifts for the "kids" when they become a freshman in high school. I know for my kids it was a pretty big deal to be able to join the "adult" White Elephant Exchange (I'm pretty sure this is the same or very similar to a Yankee Swap). I don't think they missed getting the gifts at all because now they were an "adult!"

Best of luck with your decision and Happy Holidays!

 

[4HppyCamprs]

Well in our family the "kid" gifts from all the extended family stop at 18 and it is well known. After a person turns 18 they join the adult Pirates booty grab bag gift exchange. DH's sister is 15 years younger than him and so she just stopped being in the "kid" category a few years ago I know it was hard for her to stop being the kid but she also knew it was coming because that is just how it is.

 

[4HppyCamprs]

As long as they are still living home I'll still get them gifts.

That works as long as the kids plan on moving out at some time. I know a family that has (3) thirty something year old still living with the mom and dad and their 7 grandchildren live there as well...

 

[fakereadhed]

21 was always the rule in DHs family. When we were in our 20's we bought gifts for all the "kids" and entered the adult gift exchange. Fast forward to a few years ago when we had kids and those "kids" we bought for are all over 21...there parents were mad when we stopped buying for them per the family rules when they entered the adult exchange. I don't mind, but the young adults don't buy gifts for the young kids, but I do think it's poor form on their parent's part for not teaching them about giving and following family traditions.