How to stop gifts at age 21 when others are younger?

[BabyFu18]

My parents still buy gifts for their nieces and nephews (and they are all in their 30s or beyond), they are my cousins so we always exchanged gifts with them and now as they are older and have families of their own my parents buy them gifts for the family. I think it would be weird to stop gift giving at a certain age, we don't give gifts because they are expected we give gifts because it makes us happy to see someone else joyful, even if it's just a small gift it's the thought that counts and I love seeing others excited that you thought about them.

I buy gifts for my niece, she is still small, but I plan to do so for as long as I am financially able to, no matter how old she and I both get.

 

[HeyMickeyUSoFine]

I may be in the minority here but I would just stop it. What do you do for the adults in the family? If you pick names, then include her name in the list. If you bake goods for the adults, bake something for her. If you don't do anything for the adults, then maybe do something special for her (maybe give her a coupon for a special dinner at your place one night) and tell her that it's because she's 21 and won't be getting the "children" gifts any more.

Otherwise, you could potentially be giving her (and the rest of your nieces/nephews) gifts for many more years to come and it'll be harder to justify stopping when they're 23 or 32 or.....

Helen

I'm with you. She's an adult.

 

[eliza61]

I may be in the minority here but I would just stop it. What do you do for the adults in the family? If you pick names, then include her name in the list. If you bake goods for the adults, bake something for her. If you don't do anything for the adults, then maybe do something special for her (maybe give her a coupon for a special dinner at your place one night) and tell her that it's because she's 21 and won't be getting the "children" gifts any more.

Otherwise, you could potentially be giving her (and the rest of your nieces/nephews) gifts for many more years to come and it'll be harder to justify stopping when they're 23 or 32 or.....

Helen

She's 21. she is an adult. I can't believe she would even expect to keep getting gifts from her aunts and uncles. I think my family stopped when I was in college. my family would often slide me some cash throughout the school year but I definitely did not expect a gift under the tree.

I scared to even think of what would have happen if I mentioned it. I'm sure it would have involved my mother swinging a heavy object at my head though.

Op, you've been a great Auntie. offer her love and support.

 

[disneyjunkie]

I guess I'm in the minority but I do and plan to continue getting gifts for my nieces and nephews as long as I can. Just because they are grown up they are still my nieces and nephews! It doesn't have to be expensive but I can't imagine ever stopping completely.

Add me to the list.

 

[eliza61]

I just want to wish you luck-we have been dealing with this the last couple of years and I am always made out to look like the bad guy . While the kids were kids the adults did nothing and it was only about the kids but since the kids aren't kids I suggested an adult name swap and bump the older "kids" into that to reincorporate the adults in the family-simple enough but every year it leads to personal attacks followed by a meaningless gift card swap amongst the grown ups because no one takes the time to actually figure out something the person would actually like.

Maybe because by the time we're adults we're suppose to figure out Christmas is about more than the gifts. That's when the "joy of the season" and "being with love ones" kicks in.

My siblings and I never exchange gifts. for birthdays my sister and I go to lunch, spa and shopping. We spend time together and reconnect.

 

[ICF]

My cousin and I were the two oldest "kids" in our family....We received gifts until we went through 4 years of college, my cousin took 5 years to graduate which is why I put in the 4 years part.

We knew for many years in advance that once that point hit (and we would likely have been done with school) that we would be added into whatever the adults were doing at that time. Some years it was nothing and others it was a name draw or white elephant. It was our choice to particpate in that or not.

At that point, we each had siblings (and other cousins) that would go on to get gifts for many more years but it was never a big deal to see them getting gifts from the aunts / uncles and not us.

You have to stop at somepoint....if you guys think 21 needs to be the stopping point than that's as good a time as any!!

 

[MissBritt]

My family stopped doing gifts for nieces and nephews when they graduated high school. I would remind her that it's nothing personal, but something the family decided a long time ago. At this point she can choose to participate in the adult gift exchange or just deal with it. It will happen to all of the other kids eventually, too.

 

[Justsyd2]

I guess I'm in the minority but I do and plan to continue getting gifts for my nieces and nephews as long as I can. Just because they are grown up they are still my nieces and nephews! It doesn't have to be expensive but I can't imagine ever stopping completely.

Same here. I don't understand not sending a gift? They're your family!

 

[Evi]

My nephew is turning 21 this year and I wouldn't stop giving him gifts because of it. I used to spend in the $200+ range on them when the nieces and nephews were little its been getting cut back slowly I'm down to $50 each at this point I'm comfortable keeping it there. I don't see myself cutting them of. They didn't stop being my nieces and nephews. I'll tell you my cut off point is when you have kids. Like I tell my siblings who have 2 or more kids they get your Christmas presents now. I still get parents meaning my siblings that have kids something but its usually something little under $20-30 and its as joint gift.

 

[lillygator]

wow - there is a set age for no gifts??

 

[SoonerSarah]

Pick whatever guideline you are going to use, and then use it for everyone. That is the fairest thing to do. She got 21 years of presents, and so will everyone else.

I am the second oldest, the first to marry and the first to have kids. My Grannie took me aside one time and was all upset because she was going to tell me that she had decided that once a grandchild was married, she would stop birthday gifts. This was actually several years into marriage. I had no problem with it. She has 11 grand children, not including their spouses, which is now up to 4, and she now has (or soon will) 6 great grandchildren. She lives on a budget and things are more expensive. I've told her that at this point, if she decided to no longer give the married grandchildren a present at Christmas, that so long as she bought my daughters a present, I was cool with that.

I was the youngest, by years, to get married. A 21 year old should have no problems adjusting to changing times.

 

[punkin]

I have a huge range in ages. My oldest nephew is 28. My youngest is 3. I do not send my oldest a Chanukah gift anymore. He's too old for it. But he still gets birthday presents ( and I spend way too much on him )

The others are under 18 and still getting presents. My real issue is how to make it even for "my" niece and "DH's" nephews. The boys are just much cheaper to buy for. Last year DN14 wanted a Playstation game that I managed to find on sale for $10. My niece got $50 converse. They both got what they wanted but DH threw a fit. He forgot the many, many years when "his" nephew got $70 leggo sets and "my" niece only wanted $10 polly pocket sets.

 

[memphismovin]

I guess I'm in the minority but I do and plan to continue getting gifts for my nieces and nephews as long as I can. Just because they are grown up they are still my nieces and nephews! It doesn't have to be expensive but I can't imagine ever stopping completely.

Add me on this side of it as well. Personally I don't believe in guilt being a part of Christmas. You buy gifts for people who mean something to you during the year not just as a gesture because you feel you have to continue. In my experience as the family gets larger the gifts get smaller to keep up with cost but everyone is still included or the WHOLE family moves to a pick a name process. The idea that you age-out of giving something is just beyond me and just shows in the light the obligation some people feel. There should be no expiration date on who to give a present if its given for the right reasons to start and if it were me getting cut off I wouldn't say anything but would be hurt, not out of greed or entitlement but because it misses the point of why we give gifts in the first place. If there are too many nieces and nephews now thats understandable that no one can afford to just maintain forever, but what would be wrong with cutting the dollar amount per person and just explaining that or changing completely and giving actual gifts instead of cash to get more bang for the buck? The pre-planned you will get $xx.xx for 21 years just seems to miss the Christmas spirit. jmo

 

[bookgirl]

I have three godchildren, and with the oldest two the last gift I gave them was cash at thier HighSchool Graduation. After that they are adults and since the adults do not exchange gifts they are now in that group. Thier 12 year old brother still has 6 years of gifts.

The good news for them is they don't get a gift and so they aren't expected to give a gift. However I do facebook or text them a happy birthday.

 

[Trixiezzz]

We had the reverse happen to us.

Our children are the youngest of all the grandchildren. Even though we mailed birthday gifts to every niece and nephew for all of their growing up years, once those neices and nephews turned into adults...their parents no longer sent MY children birthday gifts. Even though they were all below 5 years old at the time.

It's like: "well, now that we've finished childhood, no more gifts for anyone!"

My kids never noticed, because they didn't know their cousins were used to receiving gifts from all the aunts and uncles. They don't know they could/should be receiving birthday presents -- or even cards -- from their aunts and uncles.

I think that penalizes the youngest ones just because they were born last.

 

[HLDisney]

I guess I'm in the minority but I do and plan to continue getting gifts for my nieces and nephews as long as I can. Just because they are grown up they are still my nieces and nephews! It doesn't have to be expensive but I can't imagine ever stopping completely.

I'm not saying you HAVE to stop giving but if you do decide to stop giving, then it should be a consistent age for all of the kids.

For me, though, while I can see me giving gifts to my daughter and my parents forever, I can't quite see me giving Christmas and birthday gifts to my relatives's and my friends' kids (no matter how close I am to them) for the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean that I like them any less but I just can't afford to give that many gifts. Most of my friends and I have stopped giving gifts to each other (other than small, token gifts) but it doesn't mean we don't like each other.

Helen

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would give a HANDWRITTEN card reminiscing about her growing up and reaching that magical age. Let that be he final gift. Maybe do a donation to wrap up her childhood in her name this one last time. That way she feels your love and understands that it is not a slight and all good things must come to an end---but it ends with a bang if that makes any sense.

*the donation doesn't have to be specified to her other than letting her know to whom you donated. $1, $5, the standard gift amount...whatever.

Then do he same for your other nieces and nephews when they reach 21.

 

[annsteere]

If you said 21, quit at 21.

For families that are setting a cutoff, I suggest after college. (We set a 5 year limit on college.)

My nieces and nephews were far more grateful during their college years for a gift card to Target, the bookstore, or a gas station then they were for whatever we gave to them during their high school years.

 

[MomToOne]

Add me on this side of it as well. Personally I don't believe in guilt being a part of Christmas. You buy gifts for people who mean something to you during the year not just as a gesture because you feel you have to continue.

I think the problem with giving gifts to adults is the cost factor combined with trying to figure out something that "fits" them well. Children are pretty easy - you can almost always find a toy or clothing item in whatever price range you have that is "perfect" for them. But once we are adults, we tend to buy ourselves the things that we want, and it's harder to figure out something that's right for someone at an inexpensive cost that they don't already have. So you end up spending more than you planned. It's not that you don't want to give a gift to someone, it's just so danged HARD and stressful to find something that truly expresses what you feel. And thus, the "magic" and "spirit" is drained from the whole process.

Also - I think just spending time together can be quite a gift!!

 

[MissBritt]

I don't think there is anything wrong with families deciding together to stop giving to nieces/nephews after a certain time frame or age. My parents have 5 kids and 13 nieces and nephews. Their priorities are their 5 kids, just as cousins are the priorities of my aunts and uncles. When everyone is little, it's easy to do gifts because they are cheaper. When you start having graduations, college-age kids, kids getting married, kids having kids, that list starts rapidly expanding. Now my parents have 5 kids, 2 sons-in-law and 3 grandkids- double the number of immediate family members to buy for, in addition to their own parents and themselves. So should they continue to forever buy for 13 nieces and nephews and their husbands and wives and kids too? No, that's unreasonable. I don't think it has anything to do with obligation or guilt or tradition... I subscribe to the thought that you should do as much as you can as best as you can for as long as you can, but stop when you can't. My sister's kids aren't going to get the same kinds of gifts they used to now that I'm pregnant, and she doesn't expect me to do as much as I used to.