How to stop gifts at age 21 when others are younger?

[beaucoup]

At Christmas and birthdays, we give money to our neices and nephews. There are only a few of them. Our original plan was to stop this practice as they turned 21. The oldest has now turned 21.

How's this going to look or make her feel if she receives nothing, yet the others do?

Yet on the other hand, she received gifts for years before they came along.

If I look at it as they each will receive gifts for 21 yrs, it seems fair. Yet it seems unfair if I give to others yet not her.

What to do or how to explain to them?
Its been jokingly casually mentioned along the years that gifts stop at 21. Hopefully, they believed us.

 

[happygirl]

At Christmas and birthdays, we give money to our neices and nephews. There are only a few of them. Our original plan was to stop this practice as they turned 21. The oldest has now turned 21.

How's this going to look or make her feel if she receives nothing, yet the others do?

Yet on the other hand, she received gifts for years before they came along.

If I look at it as they each will receive gifts for 21 yrs, it seems fair. Yet it seems unfair if I give to others yet not her.

What to do or how to explain to them?
Its been jokingly casually mentioned along the years that gifts stop at 21. Hopefully, they believed us.

I would still give her something. I think it would be unfair to her.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

I think I would have a hard time completely stopping the gifts, especially if others around her were receiving them.

You can always do something very small, such as a shower gel. Usually you can find a cute shower gel and a shower puff in the dollar section at Target this time of year, and a present like that would only be $2.00!

Another option might be to wrap up cookies that you make for the holidays for her, or some other homemade gift.

 

[HLDisney]

I may be in the minority here but I would just stop it. What do you do for the adults in the family? If you pick names, then include her name in the list. If you bake goods for the adults, bake something for her. If you don't do anything for the adults, then maybe do something special for her (maybe give her a coupon for a special dinner at your place one night) and tell her that it's because she's 21 and won't be getting the "children" gifts any more.

Otherwise, you could potentially be giving her (and the rest of your nieces/nephews) gifts for many more years to come and it'll be harder to justify stopping when they're 23 or 32 or.....

Helen

 

[Fyrefly]

I think you should do for her what the other adults in the family get. Especially if she gets you anything, it's polite to reciprocate.

I took out some of my post because I initially misread and thought they were your kids, not your nieces and nephews.

Is there something in place with how you gift the in-laws, other adults? I'd do the same for her. If you don't exchange gifts with any adults, I still think cutting her off is a bit harsh. I would maybe do a small restaurant gift certificate or cookies or something token. It's not really about the cash, but having her not have to sit around feeling awkward while her siblings get something. It's about the gift and the thought, not so much the $.

 

[PatsMom]

My family includes the grown children in the name draw. We originally planned to use 18 but then decided they should get another year. So the year they are 19 is the last year we buy individually for nieces and nephews. Then they draw a name like the rest of us.

 

[beaucoup]

Answering who asked what we do for other adults.

There is a Yankee Swamp exchange for anyone who wishes to participate. Completely optional.

We do not buy for other adults specifically.

 

[Pakey]

My children are the oldest on both sides of the families. Gift giving stopped at age 18. Neither my children nor my husband and I felt bad or upset about this. There's no way to pick a date unless you plan to stop altogether. My youngest son is now 30 but my youngest nephew is still in high school. It would be absurd if our siblings felt that they still had to provide gifts for my 3 30-year old children just because some nieces and nephews were still teenagers.

 

[DisneyCrafter]

IMO. I would be sad even if I said I wasn't if I was the only grandchild/niece/nephew/whatever NOT getting a gift. On the other hand, as long as there is something offered for the adults and she can be a part of that if she chooses I suppose it is okay. It all depends, is she the oldest by 5 or more years or does she have a younger sibling that's only a year or two younger and they are still getting a gift as well.

My DH's aunt made up her own rule that when you get married-you dont get any more gifts from her for Xmas OR birthday. Personally, I think that rule STINKS. Her children are 30 and 28, neither of them are married or even close to being married. My DH is 27 and his brother is 29 and married-so neither them nor their spouses get gifts anymore but her children do and so does my 2 SIL. For Christmas this year they finally are doing a grab bag-which we aren't participating in because it's $40 a person and we just can't afford that right now.

 

[merekc]

I was part of the "children" generation. Gifts stopped at 18, I knew they would and it was no big deal. At that time adults did a name exchange, and I was entered into that. Since you do a swap someone should reminder her that it is optional if she wants to participate now that she is of age. This also gives her advance warning that gifts have stopped.

It is much harder to stop things later that are outside the boundaries that were previously established. Stop it now to avoid hurt feelings in the long run. I'm sure she is still getting gifts from her immediate family and possibly friends at this age.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

My nieces have a big age gap -- oldest is 20, youngest is 11 -- but there are only 3 of them. They live in FL, so we mail their gifts. I don't want the older 2 to have nothing in our box, so I will continue to buy for them, probably until they get married. I look at it this way -- there are only 3 total, and it doesn't cost me much to make sure they know we love them. It might also be different since the older 2 are adopted -- I would never want them to think we value them less. My FIL and his wife do this -- and they have since the girls were young, so it's not a "turn 18" kind of thing. They buy more and better for the child my SIL gave birth to, and less and junky for the adopted girls. That may be another reason I don't want to cut them off -- I know they're already not doing as well as the little one!

OP, I wouldn't worry so much about the cost or value of the gift, just the fact that there is one will probably be sufficient.

I also plan to continue the birthday money until they are fully "launched". If anything, I think it's more appreciated now!

Maria

 

[ChickieToo]

In my family, when I was growing up, the kids stopped getting gifts when they got married. I think that is a little much now, to tell you the truth, but at 21 a lot of kids are still in college and are pretty much supported by their families. Some Christmas money or gifts would probably still help them. I think when kids are out of school and have a job, even if it isn't their dream job, is a good time to stop and switch them over to the adult side.

 

[Ress76]

I would say, Christmas moves her into the adult group. However, I would adjsut the gifts slightly for her birthday, because you love her and she will always be your niece. Not knowing what you have done in the past, maybe graduating from a gift to, say, a birthday card and a couple movie tickets.

Christmas is about the *many*, so I doubt it would be much a big deal for her to move into the adult group and life goes on. Her birthday is about her, and shoudl still be celebrated (as however your family does).

 

[angierae]

I was part of the "children" generation. Gifts stopped at 18, I knew they would and it was no big deal. At that time adults did a name exchange, and I was entered into that. Since you do a swap someone should reminder her that it is optional if she wants to participate now that she is of age. This also gives her advance warning that gifts have stopped.

It is much harder to stop things later that are outside the boundaries that were previously established. Stop it now to avoid hurt feelings in the long run. I'm sure she is still getting gifts from her immediate family and possibly friends at this age.

This is exactly what my family does. Kids under 18 get gifts from everyone, people over 18 get into the adult gift swap. I'm sure it won't be a huge deal to most 18 year olds.

 

[Hannathy]

I guess I'm in the minority but I do and plan to continue getting gifts for my nieces and nephews as long as I can. Just because they are grown up they are still my nieces and nephews! It doesn't have to be expensive but I can't imagine ever stopping completely.

 

[Iwant2BAprincess]

I just want to wish you luck-we have been dealing with this the last couple of years and I am always made out to look like the bad guy . While the kids were kids the adults did nothing and it was only about the kids but since the kids aren't kids I suggested an adult name swap and bump the older "kids" into that to reincorporate the adults in the family-simple enough but every year it leads to personal attacks followed by a meaningless gift card swap amongst the grown ups because no one takes the time to actually figure out something the person would actually like.

 

[PatsMom]

I guess I'm in the minority but I do and plan to continue getting gifts for my nieces and nephews as long as I can. Just because they are grown up they are still my nieces and nephews! It doesn't have to be expensive but I can't imagine ever stopping completely.

If it was just me, I probably would have continued to buy Christmas gifts but the majority of the family wanted to stop when the kids got older. It wasn't worth the hassle annoying my sisters in law. I do still buy the kids birthday presents. And I must confess I usually spend more because I am not getting them a Christmas present!

 

[cari12]

I think setting an age like 19 or 21 and then treating them as you would an adult in the family is the fairest way to handle this.
Nowadays you can't really do the "until they are married" because some people do not marry until their 40's or not at all. I have a SIL who is 48 an unmarried and has no significant other - should she be treated as a "kid"? However, this is one of the main reasons I think DH's family still has everyone buy for everyone as his sister has no hubby or kids buying for her so to ensure she has gifts, we all have to buy something for her (and everyone else!). No secret who is favoured in DH family!

 

[jmkst58]

My family all just told me flat out- before Christmas, "and you know you won't be getting gifts this year- like the kids- now that you're an adult, right? I said , 'yep.' Wasn't hurt. Wasn't weird. I knew it was coming. They warned me before Christmas. I didn't even flinch on Christmas day when i didn't get anything. It was fine.

 

[Swimalie]

We just stopped. My husband's nephew turned 19 and was out of high school he didn't get a birthday present that year. Just a card. His sister, who was 2 years younger, got a gift card and a card but now she's turning 19 so she's done. Part of the reason we stopped, too, was that we never even got a call thanking us (they live 800 miles away). If they had at least been adult enough to call or send a note, maybe we would have continued.

I think 21 is old enough that they will know why they aren't getting a gift.