How to mend a broken heart?

[unfreshdiva1]

Last month, my partner of close to 9 years tells me he wants out of the relationship. I was completely devistated and did not see it coming (as I thought we both were very happy). No matter what we are the best of friends and have decided to live together (in separate rooms of course). He has been dating up a storm with much older men (apparently he has "daddy" issues). As it's only been a month, it is way too early for me to even think about putting myself out there. I have periods where I am fine, then a certain song comes on or something else triggers a memory and I lose it. I was giving a presentation at work last week and I had to take a moment when I noticed my ring finger was now ringless.

I'm putting this out here to see if anyone has gone through this and any advice on how to deal with it. I travel alot for work, so the living together is not really an issue yet. Thanks for letting me ramble!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Ugh. No words of advice. Just {{{unfreshdiva1}}}

 

[Viki]

I'm so sorry.

The only other words I can offer is that it sounds very much as if you are walking through your shock and grief with lots of integrity and maturity.

As for your former partner, his behavior in contrast may seem odd but he had a lot longer to work through the implications of his decision.

You're doing good things - talk to folk, feel your feelings, allow your self moments of real sadness, and celebrate what you did have.

The new friendship between the two of your will probably take much longer to really mature.

 

[RemixBoyNJ]

Sorry, break ups are hard no matter how long the relationship last... well just know that there are a bunch of us here to support and help ya if ya need it <hugs>

 

[unfreshdiva1]

Thanks to you all! We are still going to Gay Days together. I just can't imagine going to Disney with anyone but him.

 

[RickinNYC]

Wow, HUGE kudos to you for dealing with this in such a mature manner.

And a gigantic hug to help you through this. I'm so sorry. Break ups are really really hard.

As for advice, I do think (and this is strictly MY opinion) that perhaps you might be pulling that band aid off a little too slowly by maintaining your friendship, living together and traveling together. Perhaps you need to take a break, be by yourself for a while, so you can regroup and get a strong handle on your own emotions before you step into "friend" territory?

 

[brendrek]

First of all let me say I feel for you, going through a breakup is tough. It seems you are still emotionally attached while he probably cut you loose a long time ago. I agree with Rick, the living together as friends thing is not healthy. One day he is going to pack up and move in with one of his "Daddies" and you'll have to go through losing him all over again. Even worse if he stays that could hinder you from moving on with your life.

If you are not ready to start dating again then hold off on that. Right now you should focus on yourself. Utilize your friends and family to get you through this tough time. Keep yourself busy. Set a goal for yourself or plan something you can look forward to. Best of luck.

 

[easleygrls]

I am very sorry to hear that...it really sucks.

I must agree with PPs though, please reconsider your living arrangements. I would hate to see you get set up for further heartbreak on down the road. Be good to yourself! Stay in touch with your friends and try to keep busy.

 

[StormTigger]

No advice here, just a big {{HUG}} for support.

 

[unfreshdiva1]

Thanks again for the advice and support. This is why I love Disney so much!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Ouch!

I am so sorry you are going through this!

As an observer I have to tell you I think it is unwise to continue to live with your ex. One of my dear friends broke up with her partner after 10 years and they continued to live together just while her partner made arrangements to move and they got the house changed over to one name and so forth. It got ugly, and they ended up really NOT being friends anymore.

Another friend (straight) had her long-time boyfriend break up with her but she thought he would change his mind if she refused to move out. They ended up in a FIST FIGHT after about a month, she sustained some nasty injuries, and only then did she decide to move out.

I know you want to be friends, but it must be very painful to watch someone you love go out night after night with other people. I think it might be a healthier thing to get a place of your own while you work through your feelings instead of having your ex in your space all the time. Just my opinion. I wish you the very best in whatever you decide!

 

[Viki]

Ouch!

I am so sorry you are going through this!

As an observer I have to tell you I think it is unwise to continue to live with your ex. One of my dear friends broke up with her partner after 10 years and they continued to live together just while her partner made arrangements to move and they got the house changed over to one name and so forth. It got ugly, and they ended up really NOT being friends anymore.

Another friend (straight) had her long-time boyfriend break up with her but she thought he would change his mind if she refused to move out. They ended up in a FIST FIGHT after about a month, she sustained some nasty injuries, and only then did she decide to move out.

I know you want to be friends, but it must be very painful to watch someone you love go out night after night with other people. I think it might be a healthier thing to get a place of your own while you work through your feelings instead of having your ex in your space all the time. Just my opinion. I wish you the very best in whatever you decide!

Hmmm, you remind me that when my first "wife" and I got together 27 years ago, she had just left her partner, who was still living with us. There was plenty of room - it was one of those West Philadelphia Victorians with 15 foot ceilings and 14 rooms. It was an amicable break up with lots of room for three girls, but it wasn't large enough for my partner's ex NOT to break my partner's clavicle in an early morning breakfast skirmish. Ouch!

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Seconding others' comments here -- I have no advice but here are some virtual (((HUGS))) for you. For what it's worth, I think maybe we do most of our personal spiritual "growing" during/and as a result of periods of difficulty and sadness.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Definately agree...you really need to take a break, if you want to really be friends, you need space to greive and deal with it.

All the same, stay positive.

 

[Saxton]

I'm so sorry, it definitely isn't easy. I agree with some of the other posters - you may want to get some distance so you can really begin to deal with everything. Make sure you focus on yourself right now, try to keep busy, take up hobbies, spend time with family and friends, etc.

 

[SkyMedik]

Agree with all the above. But I also remind that sometimes a trip someplace magical can help you relax and work through some of those feelings

As for me...I just had a break up too. And accepted a one month transfer to freakin' Texas. TEXAS. Where I write to you from now. Hint: stick with a magical get away

 

[unfreshdiva1]

Once again, thanks for everyone's advice. I've been away on business in California this week and not doing well (I can't seem to stop crying). Gay Days will be fun as always and good to see so many of us in one place!

 

[WildGrits]

I have to agree with PP here also. Living with an ex is not a good idea.

I respect your partner for breaking up with you instead of cheating. But staying in the same home is not healthy for you emotionally.

Please take the bull by the horns and make a commitment to yourself. It's better to spend a good month mourning the loss of a relationship than to live together hoping they might change their mind.

A BIG Momma to you.

 

[hematite153]

First, . I'm sorry you're going through something so tough. It sounds like you are dealing as well as you can though--crying can be a good thing.

Second, I thought I'd provide an alternative perspective to the people telling you it would be better to move. My DW and her ex lived together for quite awhile after they split up. For the most part it worked out well and they are still friends today.

However, they had been therapy for a long time and the break-up was more mutual than yours. They had an agreement about sexual partners in the house while they both lived there. And, when they eventually decided to sell the house and move, they ended up in some brutal fights such that my DW would avoid going home--It was like there was a piece of the "breaking-up routine" that they hadn't done yet.

So, on the one hand, I agree with PPs in thinking that you may get hurt some more with your decision to live and travel together. But, on the other hand, I do think that it can work out if you are both open with each other and work out the problems that arise. I also have an ex that I have a great relationship with. We have traveled together, etc. But, it took years to get to that point.

Good luck walking through this.

 

[unfreshdiva1]

Thanks for the words of wisdom. We ended up having a great time at Gay Days (our third and actually best time we had). Danced (with other people and together) at 8 traxx Friday night. Met some very nice men over the two days (was nice ego booster). Actually had my first date with another man Monday and it went well. Don't know if gay men bounce back faster or not. I'm still in love with ex (remember it's only been six weeks), but I have had three theraphy sessions to work through my feelings. Taking two months off from Disney, then going back second week in August. No drinking or fast food for two months and getting into excersise routine to help with stress.