How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[robinb]

I've gone back and forth on whether or not I want to put my situation out there for feedback, and I thought it would probably be helpful to hear some opinions. After writing it out, the story is pretty detailed, so I decided not to post under my regular username.

My in laws show a lot of favoritism towards the other grandchildren in my DH's family. I should more say that it is DH's mom doing this, DH's father is a little more aware, and I can see that he tries when it comes to my kids. I'll try to not make the background information too long.

DH is the oldest of 3, has one younger brother one younger sister. DBIL has 2 children, DSIL has 3. We have 2, ages 8 and 12. DH is by far the most independent of his family, we live about 4 hours away from his hometown. DBIL and DSIL still live in the hometown area, they are all within 20 minutes of each other. DBIL and DSIL rely heavily on their parents for childcare. DSIL more so. DSIL does not have support from the father of her children, and has an extensive history of drug and alcohol abuse. She has her own home, but stays with the in laws from time to time.

From the time my children were born, my MIL has never really been as close to them as she was to DSIL's children. But we attributed this to us living so far away and the favoritism was not profound. As time goes on, and more grandchildren come along, the situation became bad, then worse. I feel like we keep trying to be understanding of other family members situations, because we are lucky in many ways they are not. But, in return we seem to have accepted a lesser relationship with the grandparents that has now become blatantly hurtful.

I'll give specifics of what occurs, and I'll try to be open to the possibility that I'm being overly sensitive, but I really do not believe I am. When we visit the inlaws, we usually stay one night because of the distance. Without a doubt, DSIL and her children will be there the majority of the time. She will go to her house to sleep for the night, but this will usually be after DH makes a stink about her going. IL's house is very small, and there's really not even enough room for just us. (I'll add here that the IL's want us to stay there). DSIL and children will be back out in the morning. MIL spends our entire visit interacting with DSIL's children (2 are younger than ours). MIL barely talks with my kids. She will have plenty to tell us about DSIL's kids, but rarely asks about my children's lives and activities. FIL does and I can tell that they perk up when he gives them attention. If we go out to dinner, MIL will sit with DSIL and her kids at one end of the table, our family and FIL at the other. This is every time, and DSIL comes with us every time. Over a year ago, we invited specifically just MIL and FIL out to dinner, and while I'm glad we tried, MIL was on the phone with DSIL the entire time, and we could tell everyone was offended with the invite.

Likewise, when they come to visit at our house, DSIL and kids come along. DH once stipulated we would like no DSIL, and they didn't bring her, but no one was happy about it. We have asked IL's three times to babysit our children since they've been born. The last time we asked at least two months in advance, and when the day came, they also babysat every other grandchild, and did not tell us this was the plan ahead of time. By the time we found out, it was just an hour or two before DH and I had to leave for our activity, so we just vented to ourselves and went along with it. We had been under the impression it was going to be some quality time with just our two. Because there are so many younger ones, mine got very little attention and were not cared for in the manner that I like them to be.

Our last visit with them ended with them making sure all of the younger grandkids got a hug from DH and I, all while forgetting to give my two a hug good bye themselves. I have time and time again talked with DH about the situation, I have vented a lot and complained, and he does the same and agrees. I have asked him to talk with his parents / MIL, and he says that he has and that it doesn't make a difference. I think he has only talked with her about DSIL not staying the night at their house while we are there. He hasn't really addressed the favoritism, lack of attention to our kids and the hurt feelings it is causing. He mostly agrees with me about the situation, but will sometimes defend his mom saying that she sees it as the cousins spending time together.

I feel very frustrated with the entire thing, because I'm not willing to keep putting my kids into a situation where they are being left out. They have not said anything about it yet, but they are very smart kids and can see what's happening. My IL's are nice people and have a lot to offer my kids, and my children love their grandparents very much. I feel like my DH has to have a very frank discussion with his mom about the favoritism, but I know even if he did, it would be because I pushed him to do it, and he would probably greatly water down the situation to her. I don't want to force him to do it. Right now, I'm so frustrated about it, I don't even want to go visit anymore until this is resolved.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback on what to do. Any one have similar experiences?

I'd like to add that it probably sounds like I don't like my in laws, but I actually like them very much. Before all of the grandkids, we would do a lot together, and they were very good company. I know that my children are really missing out. I also love my DSIL and her kids, and this whole thing puts a huge strain on trying to have a relationship with her and our nephews and nieces. Thank you for reading.

First of all, I don't think you are being too sensitive. It does sound like your MIL plays favorites with your DSIL's kids. I would go on to say that it appears that she plays favorites between her own kids. It could be because of your DSIL is more needy than the other kids and she gets more attention and her kids naturally get more attention by virtue of essentially living with your in-laws.

Unfortunately, the only thing that will help is acceptance. You won't change your MIL. She's shown her favoritism for the DSIL in spades when your own DH has tried to pry them apart momentarily. Nothing you can (or your DH) can say or do will make this better. The best you can do is not mention it to your kids and just suck it up when it happens. Her relationship with your kids is hers to nourish or to screw up.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think it's always impossible to be as close to grandkids who live 4 hours away as you are to those you see weekly or even more frequently. And I do think you're being unreasonable with your demand for 1 on 1 time with grandparents and JUST your kids (other than when it's at your house, that is).

I agree. The same way my kids are a lot closer to the grandparents who live a mile away, than the ones they see 10 times a year. It will never be equal!

My mom, on the other hand, understood what it would be like when my sister had kids, a plane ride away, and the other grandparents lived close. So, she makes it a point to fly out around 6 times a year (usually my sister and BIL use this as an opportunity to travel as a couple), and has the kids stay with her 2 weeks every summer.

The point is, she knows that she has to make a huge effort to keep close with them otherwise, she would just be the distant grandma, and not as close with her grandchildren as the local grandparents. Grandparents and grand kids have a better bond if they see each other frequently. It is what it is.

 

[soniam]

I don't have DH be the intermediary between his parents and myself. If I want them to know something, I tell them. We haven't always had the best relationship though. They even called me evil once I am very straight forward and opinionated, and that can put off some people. The funny thing is that I think I'm the favorite in-law now. 2 are gone, divorce, and they have never liked the other one.

Time can change things. However, I would not bring this up with them or ask DH to do so. Either visit and accept it for what it is, or don't visit. Also, definitely get a hotel before-hand, when you visit. You can say that it's so DSIL doesn't have to go home.

Are your parents still alive and involved? If so, make them the grandparent focus. My ILs were not involved when DS was very young, partly because they lived out of the country. However, they also ignored the other GCs too. My parents and their spouses (they are divorced) are very close with DS. The ILs are much more involved now. Since I am the only kid, my parents have more attention and time for their only GS though.

 

[Coonhound]

Stop visiting. Don't allow toxic grandparents into your lives if you have the choice. It's better for them to have no grandparents than to have toxic ones. Trust me, they will notice they are the black sheep children of the family and it WILL affect their self esteem later on. It will, I guarantee you. It would be healthier for them to have little to no contact at all.

 

[HM]

I grew up many states away from both sets of grandparents. I probably saw them once a year, maybe twice. They knew little about us kids and always asked awkward questions because they expected us to be like our cousins that lived close to them (we were very different). But, I loved them and I loved that we could see them once in a while. I never felt like I was left out of things because we didn't live nearby. It would have been nice to spend more time so they could know us better. But, it was what it was.

Maybe less could be more for your family.

 

[minkydog]

OP, you have my sympathies. We live 7 hours away from my mother, so my kids don't get to see her much. I have a sister who lives 45 min away and one who lives 2 hours away, and my mother sees those grands very frequently. She attends their band concerts, football games, birthday parties, and other family gatherings on a regular basis. Until very recently, she was baby-sitting regularly too. Now I realize that I can't expect someone to drive 7 hours to come babysit, but it's hard not to notice the difference in the relationship my mother has with those grands and with my kids. She is much MUCH closer to the those grands.

It is what it is. Yeah, I wish my mother made the effort to get to know my kids. They're all adults now, two are in college, one is set to graduate this year. Unfortunately, when we're together, Mother only wants to talk about the local grandkids; she goes on and on about them. She makes almost no effort to find out what's going on in my kids' lives. The sad thing is, my kids feel that distance and they no longer try to make time for their grandmother. Mother doesn't seem to mind too much, because she has a nice shiny 3yo great-grandchild to play with now.

I think it's very sad when grandparents play favorites. It's probably inevitable that the ones who live nearby will be favored, since they are part of the grandparent's daily life. But it's sad that they are being short-sighted in ignoring their other, also-wonderful grandchildren and that comes at a cost.

 

[robinb]

Stop visiting. Don't allow toxic grandparents into your lives if you have the choice. It's better for them to have no grandparents than to have toxic ones. Trust me, they will notice they are the black sheep children of the family and it WILL affect their self esteem later on. It will, I guarantee you. It would be healthier for them to have little to no contact at all.

Hmmm ... I really didn't read these grandparents as *toxic*. It's not like they are out to ruin the OP's relationship or being outright cruel to the OP's kids. They are just not evenhanded in their familial relationships.

 

[newdisneygal]

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[Turn the Page]

OP I can see how that would be very frustrating.

I do have one comment you may not like though. When DD8 was younger we lived near my ex in laws. She was the only grandchild who lived near the grandparents. All the others lived several hours away. The grandparents held similar views as you do about visits. When the other grandkids were in town my DD was essentially banned from the house. In fact, they didn't even let me know the other granddaughters were in town until the evening before they left when I would invariably get a phone call saying their daughter or son was in town with the grandkids and they wanted to pick up DD in the morning so she could see her cousins and by the way, will you put her in this particular outfit.

That was incredibly annoying to me. They made the argument that they got one on one time with DD on a regular basis and it wouldn't be fair to their other grandkids to have DD there when they were visiting since they see them so infrequently. While I can see their point it always chapped my butt that DD was banned from their house but I was expected to hop to and change any plans I had the night before so they could pick her up on their schedule so she could spend time with her cousins before they left town.

ETA: No matter how many times I asked them to give me a heads up when DD's cousins were in town so I could plan for it they would never call before the night before and leave me scrambling to change plans and make sure that particular outfit they wanted was clean.

Alternatively, my own grandmother played blatant favorites with her grandkids who all lived locally. My brother and I were never the favorites. It hurt some when I was a child but as adults I don't think it negatively affected any of us.

 

[maleficent32]

These are your kids, if you feel what your MIL is doing negatively effects them, then don't make your dh talk to her about, you do it, especially if you think he isn't going to get across what you want him too. They may be his parents, but they are also your family. Talk to her and tell her how you feel.

After reading your post I guess I don't find it favortism going on, to me its more about how close your MIL is with her other grandkids than she is with your's. There really isn't much you can do about that when you are 4 hours away. Do your kids email, text or skype them to keep them updated, or do you just do the obligatory phone call to let them know how the kids are. Maybe if you got the kids involved, the IL's would get to know them better.

It sounds like your SIL relies on your MIL, which would explain the extreme closeness they have. Your MIL probably feels obligated to help her more, include her and her kids all the time because she feels sorry for them. You can't change that, and you shouldn't take it as a personal dig to your kids, its just the relationship your MIL has with her dd.

 

[luvsJack]

Dh has a very large family. 3 of the 7 siblings live across the road or next door to my mil. 1 lived with her until his death, along with his 3 children. We live 30 minutes or so away. All the other grandkids go to the same school, dd does not.

So, Mil has always been closer to the other grandchildren. Its just a given that she would be. She went to their ball games and other events. She would come tto some of dd's if we let her know ahead and then reminded her but not always.

We have never made it a big deal. We still visited. We still made sure dd saw her grandmother and other family members regularly. If dd ever asked (which she may have once or twice), I was just honest and told her that it was just because we didn't live out there and reminded her that she is closer to my mother.

Now dd is a teenager. She is very close to her cousins and now to her grandmother. And mil makes a bigger effort to attend dd's concerts and things.


Only you can really know if it is affecting your children. If staying at a hotel would give them time away from family and the possible hurt feelings while still letting them see them; then I would do that. And just tell your mil that you think everyone would just be more comfortable and leave it at that.

Have you asked your kids how they feel about the visits? Are you sure that it even bothers them? If it does then you have to figure out a way to lessen it without completely stopping all visits and possibilities of a future relationship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I can tell you from experience that they won't change and nothing you do or don't do will change that. The kids know, they get it. YOu have a couple choices,

This, EXACTLY.

There seems to be a very 'off' co-depedent relationship between your MIL, and her daughter and this daughters kids.
It is actually not that uncommon of a situation, where a mother with these personality traits makes sure that there is the needy child that she pretty much creates and maintains a very, very, co-dependent relationship with.

This is something very deep, that cannot, and WILL NOT change.

You seem to think that having your DH talk to them might help.
I would warn you that unrealistic expectations will always end in disappointment (and possibly anger)

It seems that FIL even sees that this is going on...
DH, attempting, again, to 'talk' to them/her, is not going to change anything.

If your husband is aware of this, and basically agrees with you, do NOT continue to put him in the middle.

Remember, you cannot, and should not, try to control or be responsible for, any other person's actions and attitudes. Only your own actions and reactions.

With that being said, you really need to step back, take a broad and objective (as objective as is humanly possible) look at the situation as a whole, and adjust your own actions, boundaries, expectations, etc...

I don't know if this might require completely pulling away.
But, it seems that any time you try to establish some normal healthy one-on-one with the inlaws and your own family, this is met with a lot of resistance and passive aggressive anger, etc.. (the example of constantly buried in the phone calls and attitudes is just SO classic.)

I can tell you, just for my self... IMHO, if this were to continue to happen, I would quit telling myself that these are 'nice people', and trying to ignore the obvious issues.... If that eventually meant that I just quit trying, and the relationships fall by the wayside... (which might be better than it all going down in flames) then just prepare yourself for that future possibility.

 

[LBIJim]

Thank you all again for taking the time to respond. To be honest, I am surprised and saddened to read most of the responses. I suppose I was expecting / hoping for responses to make the situation better. Accepting it for what it is, is tough to hear. Something good about this whole thing is that it makes it clear to me what kind of grandparent I would like to be one day. My children are very different from each other, but I could never imagine having a favorite. And I won't be having favorite grandchildren either.

It's sad but unfortunately true. MIL isn't going to change. The situation won't improve. Decide what's best for your kids: keep things the way they are now; or limit or even cut-off contact.

 

[eliza61]

I think you need to change your expectation of what the relationship will be because you are not going to change the in-laws.

When you go visit, you can't expect them to just visit with your family when the other family lives nearby. You can't tell them who they can and cannot have in their home. You can stay over the in-laws or get a hotel, but expect to see the SIL and her family. Decide to visit anyway or not to go.

If they babysit for you, you can't expect them to just have your kids in their home. It's their house. Once again, accept that and ask them to sit, or decide you don't want them to.

When you invite them to your own home, you can extend the invitation to just them as it is your house. If they decide not to come without the SIL and her kids, then they do.

It's sad, but there is nothing you can do about it.

Op, one of my favorite authors Maya angelou had a very wise quote.

"you cant change people's behavior, all you can do is change how you react to it".

Now first, it is you in laws house, small or not. You cannot dictate who comes and goes.

now for whatever reason your Mil and SIL have some type of co dependency thing going on. You're not going to change that.

I would accept them for what they are, make plans that make you and your family comfortable (for example, stay at a hotel). don't force hugs on anyone.

Now as far as "favoritism" I think a lot of people think all things should be "equal" and that is just as impossible. My brother and his family live 700 miles from my parents, me and my kids lived 70 miles away. my niece lived 10 miles away. Of course my dad was more involved in my nieces life. she was there all the time. I don't think he "loved" one grandkid more than the other but you do feel a different connection to some one you see daily than someone you see 4 times a year.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Also, just an aside, to TURNTHEPAGE,

I am very sorry that your experience was what it was.

But, I really do not see an similarity at all to the OP's wish for some occasional limited time with her family (this MIL's son and grandchildren) and the totally unacceptable situation that you describe. None at all.

OP: Again, you would be wise to give some very heavy consideration to these recent posters who will tell you that issues this deep do not just 'change'.

Dealing with this will be much easier and more effective if you are dealing from the basis of truth, and not wishful thinking.

 

[Luvchefmic]

The problem with asking for opinions or advice on family situations is the same posters seem to come to the thread and bring their personal experience and project it onto someone else's situation. IMHO I don't see passive-aggressive or toxic grandparents, I see some grandchildren are closer to the grandparents because physically they ARE closer. They share their daily lives. It's more normal/common in the real world than what is being portrayed here on these boards.

My cousins lived in the same apt building when we were kids as our paternal grandparents. They shared more on a daily basis. No one felt slighted or does now. Why not just encourage a relationship that your kids do have ? Kids can still feel loved without feeling like they are second best. IMHO (with 6 decades of living) I feel it's not the kids but the adults that seem to feel more slighted.

 

[jrmasm]

The problem with asking for opinions or advice on family situations is the same posters seem to come to the thread and bring their personal experience and project it onto someone else's situation. IMHO I don't see passive-aggressive or toxic grandparents, I see some grandchildren are closer to the grandparents because physically they ARE closer. They share their daily lives. It's more normal/common in the real world than what is being portrayed here on these boards.
My cousins lived in the same apt building when we were kids as our paternal grandparents. They shared more on a daily basis. No one felt slighted or does now. Why not just encourage a relationship that your kids do have ? Kids can still feel loved without feeling like they are second best. IMHO (with 6 decades of living) I feel it's not the kids but the adults that seem to feel more slighted.

I agree.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, IMO Eliza said it best with her quote--you cannot change your mil but you can change your reaction to it.

If you get all bent out of shape and show hurt feelings over your mil, your kids will feel that way. If you accept that is the way it is and move forward, so will your kids. And remember at some point, it can all change and your kids have a better relationship with her.

You say that your fil tries with your kids so would you really want to take that away from him and them? Because whatever you do to your mil, you also do to your fil and to your kids.

 

[sookie]

I think that since the other kids are younger, that is why they get more attention. To magnify that, they live closer and they interact with their grandparents almost daily. That strengthens the relationship.

It doesn't mean anything bad nor good, that just means it is what it is. I can tell you that my kids spent a lot of time with the grandparents until I had to move away for work. Now things have settled out now that we live farther away, but I am sure that they were considered the "favorites" for a long time.

They probably talk about the kids because that may be all they do because they deal with your DSIL (and this is probably helping / keeping her sober). So they may not have other things really to talk about - it may be all consuming for them as well.

Just a few thoughts. My kids spend a few weeks with their grandma (my father has passed) during the summer and this helps - they love it and so does she. It really gets my mom moving and out of the house as well.

Hope things turn around.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

OP, I have (had as DFIL passed away a few months ago) the same exact situation with my in-laws. The favorites were DSIL's two girls, they were the only ones they ever talked about. Until they grew up. They paid no attention to their grandparents at all, did as they pleased. Then...

One of the granddaughter's had two girls and now they are the chosen ones. None of the other grandchildren (or great-grandchildren) exist to DMIL.

My kids are 15 and 18, the youngest grandchildren. They understand the situation. We still do the "duty" visits and do things to help DMIL out, but the kids have absolutely no relationship with her. She rarely ever speaks to them directly. If one of the kids tries to speak while the tv is on, and it's always on, they are shushed.

We stay in a hotel now, and don't offer reasons or excuses. I feel bad that DMIL didn't get to know my kids, because they are great kids, but she's getting what she paid for.