Going back through the thread it was a year in April since “Buddy” passed away and I know for
@rodeo65 that must seem like both forever-ago and just yesterday. We’re all here thinking about you and your kids - grace and peace.
I too have been thinking of you Rodeo (Erin). The last time we messaged you were packing for your trip to Florida. I hope all went well. Love to you and your kids. Stop by the DIS sometime and let us know how you are!
Lynn
I was actually shocked at how much time has passed. It seems like just a couple of months and its been more than a year! In fact in five days it will be the two year anniversary of Buddy's death. Which exactly as ronandannette said is both another lifetime and yesterday rolled in together. I'm so sorry I just left this thread hanging, especially for all of you who gave so much support and continued to follow for so long.
lynxstch - I did respond privately as well but for a bit more update - yes we had a great trip to Florida last year! Really wish we could have gone this year also but of course no travel for the foreseeable future. After FL there was Chicago for a comp, Cuba for fun and several other competitions around Ontario and Quebec over the summer. The last trip was to Boston to visit my brother in August.
Layered over that summer of travel was my mom's worsening condition. She was diagnosed with kidney cancer not long after my last post and that began more appointments than I can remember. I was happy that the kids and I were already living here to be able to support both of my parents. By early summer we found it had metastasized to her lung and we were waiting to find out if she was eligible for a clinical trial. It came to the final spot for the trial and it had been held for her but at the last week got results from a scan that showed a mass in her brain which negated her admission into the trial. That was a huge blow in particular for my dad who was counting on the trial. She ended up starting regular chemo in late July. All of it was so familiar but also so different from the experience I had with Buddy. She survived for a good while longer than he did after diagnosis. She never complained but I could see the toll chemo was taking.
The most heartbreaking conversation I had with her was about two weeks after starting chemo. She had so little energy and slept almost constantly. She was often asleep in her chair as I'd go past the sunroom where she liked to sit. One day she said she could see us all passing by as we went about our lives (the sunroom is off the kitchen and central to the house) and she felt like she was just sitting there and waiting to die. I said I was so sorry and that if she was awake and wanted company to just wave as I went by, that I always though she was sleeping and didn't want to disturb her. She did start doing so and I started spending more time with her.
At the end of Labour Day weekend, my dad phoned me at 3am and asked if I could come downstairs - she had fallen and he could not help her up. I went and he said she had actually fallen on the way to the bathroom 45 minutes earlier and he couldn't maneuver her back to bed. I woke my son and the three of us tried a few times but she was in pain when we tried to lift her so we called an ambulance. They determined her BP was far too high and they wanted to take her to be seen. Dad went with her in the ambulance. He called at 6:30 to say she was comfortable and waiting for a doctor. At 8 he called very upset and said she was in bad shape, she'd had a brain hemorrhage and her scans had been sent to a neuro hospital in the next city and they were going to transport her there to see if they could operate. I was preparing to head to that hospital and he called back in tears to say she was being placed on life support and could I call my brother to come. 3am to 9am. Six hours.
She was on life support for four days. It gave my brother time to fly up, the rest of his family time to drive, and my dad time to come to terms with removing support. She died 30 hours after the tubes were removed with my brother and I holding her hands. We had been taking turns staying with her and I had stayed the night before. My brother was staying that night and my dad had just left. I knew though. I'd seen the changes that I remember from a year and a half earlier. I believe my dad knew also and didn't want to witness her pass. I didn't leave when my dad did. My brother asked why. I said I thought I needed to stay. I'm really glad I did. After not being there when Buddy left. I'm so glad I was for my mom. And also that we were able to tell my dad that she was comfortable and held while she left.
The last months have been so hard watching my dad struggle to deal with her loss. He's honestly half of who he used to be without her. He still has some spark at times and more keeps coming back as time passes but he has aged dramatically. I'm thankful we're here for him. He wants to stay in his house - their house and the kids and I being here to manage it for him makes that possible. Also supremely grateful as C-19 has decimated care facilities that he is home and isolated and we can keep him safe. He sits and chats to her Urn every day. Brings her flowers (or did until isolation), opens the curtains each morning because "she likes them open". I keep telling him what a weird atheist he is.
I also took on managing the studio in December which took up an enormous amount of time moving it online and updated onto a web based platform. I'm hoping there is a studio to go back to when all of this settles.
I hope you and your families are all well and keeping safe through these most difficult times!
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