How do you not take it personally when people are flaky?

[lacrosse_lady72]

Maybe it's me, but my mom taught me that you only make plans you intend to keep.

Nearly every time someone flakes on me, I take it personally. Like really badly. It's as if they'd rather do anything else than do what they said they would with you. Or that I'm just the filler plan until something better comes along. It's the worst when it was their idea to begin with and/or when they habitually do it. And it always seems to be the people who I'm closer with so the effect is even worse.

It's not that it really even happens a lot, but when it does it makes me really sad.

Am I alone on this? Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just a cry baby?

 

[Granny square]

That seems a bit self centered on your part. Not everything is about you. If it "doesn't happen that often" then I'd chalk it up to life happening. You've NEVER had to change plans? I had to cancel a group this week because my mom needs me to go with her to a new doc. It has nothing to do with the group or wig me being a flame. Sometimes **** happens.


Even a simple double schedule, a kids practice schedule changing, the need to work late on a last minute project just means that plans have to change or something important but list in the craziness gets lost.

If you had someone doing it all the time it might be personal, or just a bad personality trait. Lord knows we all have one of those. Ours might just be da different issue and it might affect others just as bad.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

That seems a bit self centered on your part. Not everything is about you. If it "doesn't happen that often" then I'd chalk it up to life happening. You've NEVER had to change plans? I had to cancel a group this week because my mom needs me to go with her to a new doc. It has nothing to do with the group or wig me being a flame. Sometimes **** happens.


Even a simple double schedule, a kids practice schedule changing, the need to work late on a last minute project just means that plans have to change or something important but list in the craziness gets lost.

If you had someone doing it all the time it might be personal, or just a bad personality trait. Lord knows we all have one of those. Ours might just be da different issue and it might affect others just as bad.

I should have probably been more clear. It's not the "doesn't happen that often" kind that is just stuff comes up. It's more often than that, but I just mean that it's not on a daily basis, or a really regular basis. Because I completely understand when things come up, or people really don't feel good. But these aren't the cases.

But it's really a couple of really, really close people to me who I know don't hate me or anything, they just don't feel like it's important to stick to their plans. It's really pissing me off though, to the point that I've considered severing our friendship because I take it so personally.

And I have had to change plans but I really do go out of my way to make sure I don't have to.

 

[cluvsdisney]

It depends on how important the person is to me and how frequently they flake. If it's once in a while, I'll cut the person some slack. Sometimes things happen that are not controllable. If it's repeated, I stop making one on one plans with the person. For instance, I have one friend who flakes so consistently, it's become a joke to the rest of us. She does it to her other friends too so I don't take it personally, but it is annoying and sometimes makes me angry but not sad.

 

[bankgirl05]

Maybe it's me, but my mom taught me that you only make plans you intend to keep.

Nearly every time someone flakes on me, I take it personally. Like really badly. It's as if they'd rather do anything else than do what they said they would with you. Or that I'm just the filler plan until something better comes along. It's the worst when it was their idea to begin with and/or when they habitually do it. And it always seems to be the people who I'm closer with so the effect is even worse.

It's not that it really even happens a lot, but when it does it makes me really sad.

Am I alone on this? Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just a cry baby?

Stuff does happen, but if someone is habitual about it you have a choice, either call them out on it as in " this is the 6th time you have made plans and cancelled on me, I don't appretiate it" or find a better /more reliable class of friend who enjoys spending time with you.

I am not saying that this necessarily pertains to you, but in my group of friends we had one who was so overly negative about EVERY SINGLE THING when we were out. (look at that person, they shouldn't be wearing that, our waitress is too slow/doesn't smile enough, the lighting in this place is awful, my life sucks blah blah blah blah blah) it was soooo bad that the rest of the group started avoiding her, cancelling plans, having hubbies make "rescue calls" when we were all out together etc( "I need you to come home the dog ate a rock") One day she mentioned that I was the only one who ever kept plans, and I just finally told her why!!! She denied it at first, and we had a pretty heated conversation about it, but I let her stew for a few days and I sent her an email with a practical verbatim of our conversation that night it read like:
me: Hi friend! How are you?
her: OMG, I am so miserable blah blah blah this happened to me today, and blah blah blah this and blah blah me memememememe. (only I filled in all the details she had told me about her miserable life and how much she hated the restaurant that she suggested and how she spent 20 minutes(!!!) talking about herself and NEVER even asked how I was, etc.!!!)

She got the message and is actually now in counselling!!! (maybe even on medication) but the rest of the group will still only deal with her in small doses!!!

 

[lizabu]

I know people show you who they are. It sounds like a couple of people have shown you they can't be counted on. You have to accept it. If you make plans with these people realize in their minds they're in pencil.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think some people are just wired differently. The vast majority of people I know follow through on the plans we make.

But I can think of one who would make plans a lot, then change at the last minute. I sort of felt like I was her plan only until something better came along. It got to be a joke. I gave up on her a long time ago, but my son is still friends with her son...... who pretty much does the same thing to him.

Things happen to everyone to change plans. But after so many times of last minute changes, it becomes apparent if you are only a "backup plan" in someone's life. Once you reach that point it almost becomes your own fault for continuing to make plans with those people.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I have people who make me their last ditch effort. If some one is not their for them then they call, and then I never hear from them for months. I have had people who just wanted to use me for their gain. I have given up on women friends. I stay very polite and friendly with women , but I don't go out with them. But that is just me.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Stuff does happen, but if someone is habitual about it you have a choice, either call them out on it as in " this is the 6th time you have made plans and cancelled on me, I don't appretiate it" or find a better /more reliable class of friend who enjoys spending time with you.

I am not saying that this necessarily pertains to you, but in my group of friends we had one who was so overly negative about EVERY SINGLE THING when we were out. (look at that person, they shouldn't be wearing that, our waitress is too slow/doesn't smile enough, the lighting in this place is awful, my life sucks blah blah blah blah blah) it was soooo bad that the rest of the group started avoiding her, cancelling plans, having hubbies make "rescue calls" when we were all out together etc( "I need you to come home the dog ate a rock") One day she mentioned that I was the only one who ever kept plans, and I just finally told her why!!! She denied it at first, and we had a pretty heated conversation about it, but I let her stew for a few days and I sent her an email with a practical verbatim of our conversation that night it read like:
me: Hi friend! How are you?
her: OMG, I am so miserable blah blah blah this happened to me today, and blah blah blah this and blah blah me memememememe. (only I filled in all the details she had told me about her miserable life and how much she hated the restaurant that she suggested and how she spent 20 minutes(!!!) talking about herself and NEVER even asked how I was, etc.!!!)

She got the message and is actually now in counselling!!! (maybe even on medication) but the rest of the group will still only deal with her in small doses!!!

Maybe I'm that friend but the opposite. I'm the positive one most of the time, to their negativity. I'm usually the one asking how people are doing, or trying to cheer them up.

 

[kathie859]

Maybe it's me, but my mom taught me that you only make plans you intend to keep.

Nearly every time someone flakes on me, I take it personally. Like really badly. It's as if they'd rather do anything else than do what they said they would with you. Or that I'm just the filler plan until something better comes along. It's the worst when it was their idea to begin with and/or when they habitually do it. And it always seems to be the people who I'm closer with so the effect is even worse.

It's not that it really even happens a lot, but when it does it makes me really sad.

Am I alone on this? Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just a cry baby?

I would take it personally if I had a friend who frequently bailed on plans we had made. I have, make that HAD, a friend who did this 3 times in a row. She always had great excuses--health issues, etc. but it irked me to no end. We no longer plan outings and I'm fine with that.

 

[Kellydelly]

I get how you feel. I have four kids, a spouse, and a job and I still manage to follow through with plans I make with people . It sucks when others don't decide to do the same.

 

[Christine]

I would never take it personally if a person bailed because they had something come up such as medical issues, family issues, etc. However, if they make plans with you and just change their minds or go off and do something else, well, how else could you be expected to take it? It's personal.

 

[emma'smom]

We used to have a dinner group and this one friend would inevitably bail or just not show up. The thing about a dinner group was that meant the hostess was always left scrambling to come up with a replacement course for whatever course the bailer was supposed to have brought. Eventually she was usually assigned dessert so it wasn't such a big deal if she bailed...

 

[Peanut Giggleface]

I've had a couple of friends like that. Both of them were friends whose kids were friends with my kids. So when we made plans it didn't just affect me. The first lady kept her plans at first, and our friends developed a good relationship, then slowly over time, she would cancel here and there. Finally toward the end of the friendship she was our family's inside joke: "Hey we're going to meet XXXXX for lunch at the park." Even the kids knew to expect the cancellation call usually the morning of the event. The funny thing about this relationship was that when we did get together she would complain about other people doing that to her. Maybe they learned from her? I dunno.

My next friend was a lot like that from the get go but she was ADHD and scatter-brained, but SO NICE!! I couldn't hold it against her. We're still friends to this day and she even tells me to let her know if she starts flaking.

But yeah, I do take it personally because if I make the effort to set time out of my schedule for you, I take it seriously with every intention of keeping our appointment. If you decide you don't want to keep your end of the bargain, then I will realize the relationship is not based on mutual respect. Adios!

Of course this is not referring to the occasional something-came-up situation.

 

[laughinplace199]

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you, but try not to take it personally.

I know that I've been both a flaker and a flakee at different points in my life. When I had 1 child and I was a SAHM, I was super organized and never messed up plans, but some friends would forget our plans. Now that I have 3 kids and a job, I have most definitely forgotten plans. There are some days (or weeks) where I can't get out of my own way and things slip through the cracks.

What I try to do now is touch base with friends a couple of days before our plans. I'll send a quick email or text and say that I'm really looking forward to getting together. My friends do this to me as well, so it helps all of us.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I should have probably been more clear. It's not the "doesn't happen that often" kind that is just stuff comes up. It's more often than that, but I just mean that it's not on a daily basis, or a really regular basis. Because I completely understand when things come up, or people really don't feel good. But these aren't the cases.

But it's really a couple of really, really close people to me who I know don't hate me or anything, they just don't feel like it's important to stick to their plans. It's really pissing me off though, to the point that I've considered severing our friendship because I take it so personally.

And I have had to change plans but I really do go out of my way to make sure I don't have to.

Depends who it is really.

A friend that flakes out? After about 3 times, I tend to not make plans with them anymore.

 

[Kerrry7]

Maybe it's me, but my mom taught me that you only make plans you intend to keep. Nearly every time someone flakes on me, I take it personally. Like really badly. It's as if they'd rather do anything else than do what they said they would with you. Or that I'm just the filler plan until something better comes along. It's the worst when it was their idea to begin with and/or when they habitually do it. And it always seems to be the people who I'm closer with so the effect is even worse. It's not that it really even happens a lot, but when it does it makes me really sad. Am I alone on this? Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just a cry baby?

I have a friend who I know to always make our plans half heartedly with. She is a student who doesn't drive and asked me to pick her up and take her to her parents house, so I set an alarm, set off, texted her when I got there as agreed and she replied "oh yeah, I had a headache so got an earlier train and got a taxi, are you free tonight though?" wow! I just expect to be let down by her now, hoping one day I'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

[runsandjumps]

I am guilty of this. Like a pp said when I had one kid and was at home I had all my stuff together. I was never late or flaked. Now I have three kids, work full time and miss hanging out. I make plans with the best intentions and then the kids almost always have other ideas. They don't want to do whatever I have planned and will throw a tantrum, which puts me in a funk and the rest is goes down toilet.


I take full responsibility that I suck at being a friend right now . I am sorry that people like me are crappy friends. Maybe you could just leave them as a last minute friend.

Ana

 

[Imzadi]

Maybe it's me, but my mom taught me that you only make plans you intend to keep.

Nearly every time someone flakes on me, I take it personally. Like really badly. It's as if they'd rather do anything else than do what they said they would with you. Or that I'm just the filler plan until something better comes along. It's the worst when it was their idea to begin with and/or when they habitually do it. And it always seems to be the people who I'm closer with so the effect is even worse.

It's not that it really even happens a lot, but when it does it makes me really sad.

Am I alone on this? Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just a cry baby?

I should have probably been more clear. It's not the "doesn't happen that often" kind that is just stuff comes up. It's more often than that, but I just mean that it's not on a daily basis, or a really regular basis. Because I completely understand when things come up, or people really don't feel good. But these aren't the cases.

But it's really a couple of really, really close people to me who I know don't hate me or anything, they just don't feel like it's important to stick to their plans. It's really pissing me off though, to the point that I've considered severing our friendship because I take it so personally.

And I have had to change plans but I really do go out of my way to make sure I don't have to.

If this happens consistently with a couple people, you can't keep claiming the Victim Card anymore. You are CHOOSING to be friends with people who you know do this to you.

There is an old Russian proverb: "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you."

After twice, I would have jettisoned these people, or at least stopped making any future plans with them.

I don't know how you can call them very close friends, as these "friends" certainly don't care about your feelings or how it affects you that they do this to you consistently. Your friendship is not as valuable to them as they are to you. And the fact that you keep saying yes and allowing them to then disappoint you means you taught them that they can continue to do this. That part is on YOU.

If you still want to keep them as friends, then maybe you should just say, "Call me right before you want to do something. If I'm available I will go do it. But, I am no longer making any future plans with you anymore as you have proven too many times you cancel last minute." Then follow through on what you say, or again you will be teaching them that you don't mean it and they can do whatever they want.

 

[stargazer2892]

I really depends on the reason and person. If it's people from work and we are just grabbing coffee no big deal. Now DH's best friend has flaked on us the past 4 times we where supposed to hang out, the last time an hour before he was supposed to get here, at this point I'm starting to get really annoyed to the point of telling him no next time he wants to hang out. DH's and I's time alone together to get stuff done is quickly diminishing (DD is due on the 21st of Dec) and it feels like our time doesn't mean anything to him.