How do you just let it go?

[monkeybug]

I understand what you are saying. And you probably have a good point about the favoritism and controlling behavior not being a good thing for my kids to see.

It's hard to explain. They just love her. And a lot of that is because she loves them so much. The one thing I've worked really hard at is trying to do through the years, is not to put them in the middle of all of this. My MIL may have a lot of issues and do a lot of things that I have hurt me, but she's never been anything but 100% wonderful to my kids.

So, seeing that behavior may not be good for them. But I just think that doing something to break the love between her and them would be so much worse.

I'm not trying to argue with you. And you made a lot of really good points when it comes to the relationship between her and me. But, she is a good grandma. If she wasn't, it would make all of this so easy, because I could just walk away without any guilt (my dh is really only in the middle because of the kids, I think he would walk away too if it wasn't for them).

I don't think there is anything wrong with loving people who aren't perfect, plenty of people love me despite my many flaws! I also don't think it's a bad thing to allow your children to witness poor behavior in others (with in reason of course) and love them any ways. It can make for great "teaching moments"
My daughter is old enough to hear grandma say mean things about others, and to pick up on how negative she can be.
I try to use it as an example to her. Saying things like "That's why it's important to try and think about how other people feel. Practice pretending to be them for a few minutes. Grandma hasn't practiced that too much, and that's why she says things that hurt peoples feelings. She doesn't mean to, she just doesn't really know any better. Maybe we can help teach her by being extra kind to others while we are around her"
The truth is that there will always be a dysfunction somewhere in the family, and some of them can't be overlooked. Some of them might prevent a relationship from continuing, but some can be forgiven and you can have a strong relationship based on the persons other quality's.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I understand that there are conflicting feelings!
I think you are trying to be a good person and do the right thing by having your children maintain a relationship with their grandmother!

Let me try to rephrase it this way...
I suppose that given what you have written, and given the fact that both you, and even your husband, are having a hard time wanting to maintain a relationship.... (that the relationship seems to always involve hurt and stress...) I simply am having a hard time with seeing how, if it isn't good for you, and even your husband, that there is any way that this could ultimately be good for your kids.

I know that this was a long, rambling, run-on, post...
But I hope you worked your way thru it and can see where I am coming from.

I am not saying that your MIL is some evil-incarnate monster....
I am not saying that nobody should ever speak to her again...

What I am saying is that she seems to have some real issues, the situation does not seem to be normal, good, positive...
And, perhaps, instead of 'mending fences', it is time to look for a new status-quo... One that protects/maintains your self-respect and personal boundaries.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: adding to the above....

You mention that, as is usual, it takes two and you have not been blameless in the situation... Are there specific things that you have made the mistake of doing/saying????

If so, then yes, for your own sake, and for the sake of doing what is right, it is only a good thing for you to offer an apology. By all means!

However, I just do not think that it is realistic to expect that anything will change, and that this will 'mend' the relationship.
I think that you should adjust to more realistic expectations, and then handle things as necessary from there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My MIL may have a lot of issues and do a lot of things that I have hurt me, but she's never been anything but 100% wonderful to my kids.

I think he would walk away too if it wasn't for them).

Let me try one more time here...

The first phrase above - Very simply, by definition... "having issues and doing a lot of things to hurt you (their mother)" IS hurtful to your kids and is not "100% wonderful"

The second phrase re: your husband - I think it speaks for itself....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I understand what you are saying. And you probably have a good point about the favoritism and controlling behavior not being a good thing for my kids to see.

It's hard to explain. They just love her. And a lot of that is because she loves them so much. The one thing I've worked really hard at is trying to do through the years, is not to put them in the middle of all of this. My MIL may have a lot of issues and do a lot of things that I have hurt me, but she's never been anything but 100% wonderful to my kids.

So, seeing that behavior may not be good for them. But I just think that doing something to break the love between her and them would be so much worse.

I'm not trying to argue with you. And you made a lot of really good points when it comes to the relationship between her and me. But, she is a good grandma. If she wasn't, it would make all of this so easy, because I could just walk away without any guilt (my dh is really only in the middle because of the kids, I think he would walk away too if it wasn't for them).

I know what Wishing is getting at...maybe this will help you get it.

When your children get older they will understand what your MIL is and either A. take her side or B. they will defend you.

Now this can be countered by being honest with them.

Have they asked you about the strained relationship? Do they notice it yet? Eventually they will. Obviously you are not visiting with them so they are already noticing something.

You can only hide it for so long. Or maybe you are not hiding it and your kids are keeping quiet.

Now my MIL is mentally ill and my parents are just a little nutty. We put on a united front, we try to use compassion, and overlook a lot of things.

However behind closed doors we can discuss it and sometimes we have to plan reponses. My dd's are 18 and 13.

What you have right now, will be different when they are older.

 

[Wishing on a star]

When your children get older they will understand what your MIL is and either A. take her side or B. they will defend you..

Yes, this is what it will come to...
Not only will your DH be caught in the middle here.
But, your MIL, with her issues and actions, is putting your children in the middle.

Your kids may not have come to the full realization yet...
They are simply and innocently just wanting peace and happiness.

But, when it comes down to choosing between their mother and another relative - this WILL be very hurtful to your children.

 

[lovemygoofy]

OP, I have a crazy mother in law not real issues with her. I have issues with my inlaws more how they treat my husband but he accepts it and I don't want to raise hornets on his behalf.

Don't think of yourself as a doormat. It's not true. Think of yourself as the wall. You stand and support your husband and your children. When the stuff starts flying, it will bounce off you and go splat. It splats and you are still standing tall supporting your family. Be the wall, don't be the doormat.

 

[monkeybug]

It's more the golden child syndrome. My BIL's happiness comes above all else, she's for the most part even admitted that.

The problem is, I can't let it just be an issue with my dh, because she won't let it. My dh and bil have never been close and my mil knows that. So, she has put the responsibility for his happiness (my BIL's) on me (she lives a few hours away, so it's harder for her). She actually said to me once "I hope you and Steve will become soul mates". Steve is not my husband, Steve is my BIL. And she said this to me a good 5 years into my marriage with dh. When dh is out of town, she will call my BIL up and tell him I'm inviting him over for dinner, without even talking to me. He'll show up at my door assuming I invited him. (I don't cook a big meal when dh is out of town, the kids and I just wing it). And when I confront her about it, she just cries and cries and says how lonely he is. My dh told her to never do it again, and it wasn't a month later that he's knocking on my door again (he finally learned to call if she told him I invited him, knowing there is a good chance I know nothing about it).

This is just one example. My BIL is remarried now so that part has gotten a lot better.

I would love for it to just be an issue with my dh and her, but she just won't allow that. In fact it isn't an issue between them much at all, because she has put the responsibility totally on my shoulders. The only way I've been able to stop it is by cutting off contact with her.

Re-reading this (while I still think it's crazy!!!) and trying to think of it from your MIL's point of view, I wonder if by inviting your BIL over she was thinking of you too??? Maybe not (probably not) but I always try to look at the other persons POV and think "how did they justify this in their mind?"
Do you think she saw it as her son was alone, and lonely, and because your husband was gone, you might feel the same way? Do you think she could have invited him over (which is obviously not OK) because she thought you might like the company as much as BIL would?
And maybe the comment about wanting you to be the "soul mate" (which sounds very dramatic. I hate the dramatic!) was her hoping you might become friends with him, and by doing so help the relationship between the brothers?
It sounds to me like she wants the family to be really close, and it's not as close as she would like, so she's trying to make it that way. It's obviously wrong, and not at all a healthy way to go about it, but I can see where she MIGHT be coming from.
Maybe you could tell her "I love spending time with my BIL, and I would love to have him for dinner when my husband is home, but when he is out of town, I really like to just do something informal with the kids. I also need you to call me and make sure I'm OK with him coming over before you invite him. I know we are family, and I hate the thought of him being lonely as much as you do, but we are busy with the kids and their activity's and I need to be given advanced notice."
Now, not knowing the entire family dynamic, I may very well be completely off base. I just know there are always two sides, and even if one side is completely going about it the wrong way, sometimes it helps to at least try and understand where they are coming from.

 

[MICKEY88]

I can admit my pride is a big part of what is stopping me from mending the realationship. And I'm not proud to say that either. Like I said, this isn't just her fault, plenty of the blame lies on my shoulders.

My MIL is not a horrible person. And she hasn't treated me badly, she just doesn't seem to be willing to see that her actions have hurt me.

People have made the doormat reference. I guess that's really how I feel. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that that is my place in this family. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me (and I do believe she does). And it would make things so much nicer for my dh and my kids, which is in the end, what matters to me most.

It's just really hard knowing and accepting that you're the dormat. And I know you guys aren't trying to say I'm the doormat. But I guess everyone has a place in a family, and maybe this is just my place, and I just need to be ok with that.

Thank you all for your advice. Sometimes it's nice to get the opinion of people who have nothing to gain or lose by giving it.

I know at this point the problem lies within me. And I'm going to work to try and fix it. I feel a little better now that maybe I can fix it. Some of you have done it, and I'm competitive enough to say well if you can, I can too I'm going to read the books and keep reminding myself of the the little stories people told (I can sadly admit that I am like monk #2)

I can do this. I can. I know I can.

Thanks again!!

the problem isn't within you, it is married to you,

so the brother inlaw is the golden child.. so what, it's time for your husband to get over it, he should not need his mothers approval to validate his worth..

he has you and his children,

you mentioned that the brother in law finally figured out to call first when mother inlaw invited him to dinner at your house..

the first time that happend your husband should have talked to his mother and to his brother, a polite yet firm.." no one invites people to our house for dinner except us""

 

[mumom95]

I know what Wishing is getting at...maybe this will help you get it.

When your children get older they will understand what your MIL is and either A. take her side or B. they will defend you.

Now this can be countered by being honest with them.

Have they asked you about the strained relationship? Do they notice it yet? Eventually they will. Obviously you are not visiting with them so they are already noticing something.

You can only hide it for so long. Or maybe you are not hiding it and your kids are keeping quiet.

Now my MIL is mentally ill and my parents are just a little nutty. We put on a united front, we try to use compassion, and overlook a lot of things.

However behind closed doors we can discuss it and sometimes we have to plan reponses. My dd's are 18 and 13.

What you have right now, will be different when they are older.

I try to be as honest with them as much as possible without getting into too much detail. I want them to base their opinion on what kind of a person she is by their own observations, not by what I tell them. When I finally made the decision to cut her out of my life, this is what I said to them (not word for word):

You know how we've talked before about how sometimes two people just can't seem to get along, no matter how hard they try. And that it seems like they are always hurting each other, even if they don't mean to. Well, grandma and I are at that point. We just don't seem to be able to be together without hurting each other. So, I've decided that it's best if we just aren't around each other anymore. That way we won't hurt each other. But that doesn't mean you and daddy won't still seem them.

I do think right now they are just living in the inncence of youth. And I'm sure some day they will notice more, and quite possibly have to pick sides if she and I haven't been able to work it out by then. I just don't want to push them to that point yet.

 

[mumom95]

Re-reading this (while I still think it's crazy!!!) and trying to think of it from your MIL's point of view, I wonder if by inviting your BIL over she was thinking of you too??? Maybe not (probably not) but I always try to look at the other persons POV and think "how did they justify this in their mind?"
Do you think she saw it as her son was alone, and lonely, and because your husband was gone, you might feel the same way? Do you think she could have invited him over (which is obviously not OK) because she thought you might like the company as much as BIL would?
And maybe the comment about wanting you to be the "soul mate" (which sounds very dramatic. I hate the dramatic!) was her hoping you might become friends with him, and by doing so help the relationship between the brothers?
It sounds to me like she wants the family to be really close, and it's not as close as she would like, so she's trying to make it that way. It's obviously wrong, and not at all a healthy way to go about it, but I can see where she MIGHT be coming from.
Maybe you could tell her "I love spending time with my BIL, and I would love to have him for dinner when my husband is home, but when he is out of town, I really like to just do something informal with the kids. I also need you to call me and make sure I'm OK with him coming over before you invite him. I know we are family, and I hate the thought of him being lonely as much as you do, but we are busy with the kids and their activity's and I need to be given advanced notice."
Now, not knowing the entire family dynamic, I may very well be completely off base. I just know there are always two sides, and even if one side is completely going about it the wrong way, sometimes it helps to at least try and understand where they are coming from.

I completely believe the first time she invited him over she did it because she thought it would be good for him and for me. My dh traveled a lot and she probably figured I was lonely.

Problem is, my dh talked to her after the first time and said don't do that again. He told her it wasn't polite, and that I didn't really like to cook when he was out of town (I hate to cook, so the only thing I love about when my dh is out of town is that I don't have to cook). And about a month later, she did the same thing. My dh then called her steaming mad and asked why she did it and she said because Steve was lonely and his happiness was more important than some stupid promise she made to my dh. She said something to the effect that I'm a mother and wife and should cook a meal whether I like it or not. (this happened years ago, so I don't remember all the details, except the part about his loneliness being more important than a stupid promise, I don't think I've ever gotten over her saying that about my dh).

So, I really don't think she ever does anything out of spite or just to be mean. But she just refuses to take mine (and my dh's) feelings into consideration when it comes to so many things. I don't think she wants to hurt us, but she is willing to if it benefits her or my BIL somehow.

Maybe she was hoping that I would bring the two brothers together. That's never going to happen. Apparently when my dh was a young teenager he got mad at something she did and he lashed out "why do you love him so much more than me" and she said to him "because you were supposed to be a girl". (my BIL is the older and a boy, and she just always figured she would have one of each, so she wasn't happy when my dh wasn't a girl). He said she took back right away what she said and said she was sorry, but he said right then and there he basically gave up ever trying to get her to love him. Being a girl was a standard he was just never going to live up to. And from then on, he just hated his brother. I know his brother doesn't deserve that, but I think he just took the anger he had for her and placed it on his brother, because I think it's probably easier to hate a sibling than it is a parent.

 

[disykat]

To me, it just sounds weirdly inappropriate. She wants you do be his soulmate? Is she wanting him to be your plural husband? Somehow it's your job to provide for his needs - whatever those are? Yuck Yuck Yuck. Even if she's not thinking about sex, it's weird. Just plain weird. I can't see anyway to look at it where she is trying to be helpful to you.

Helpful is sending BIL over to mow your lawn, not trying to get you to fulfil each other's emotional needs.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, the only example we have been given is this BIL thing.... Which, now, seems to have happened years ago...
And, it is no longer an ongoing problem....

(and, yes, no matter what her intentions, is just sick and warped and off-kilter in every way.... she waits until this guys brother is out of town, and then sends him over to his brother's wife for service... )

Also, your MIL lives 'hours away'... Which even if it is around 2 hours away, means that there isn't normal daily/weekly interaction....
Yet, your children and your husband should be seeing her all the time... and she is having enough influence over you to cause this whole thread????

IMHO, none of this adds up and makes any sense whatsoever.

If ( and I said 'IF') there is a problem.... it is very clear that it is on your husband's part. As well as your own, of course....

My MIL lives almost an hour away...
We see her almost every weekend...
My son sees her, and they care about each other
(He is never left with her for many reasons)
We manage to maintain our own self-respect and personal boundaries.

The only thing that I can begin to even make of what you have posted is that she is currently using the "I love my grandkids SO much" song and dance as a weapon... As a way to break down boundaries and have undue influence over you and your children's lives... What I am seeing in your post sounds like the classic Guilt Trip over your children and your husband. (your kids do NOT need that) And, if this is what is happening, you have fallen head over heels for it.

It is apparent from your posts that this woman knows no boundaries.

But, even with that, I really don't understand how she is able to pose so much of a problem. If she is still managing to cross boundaries and to 'hurt' you, then it is very clear that this is a problem that needs to be addressed between you and your husband.

What is your husbands take on all of this.
Apparently he has made an effort, thru all of this, to maintain some relationship between himself and your kids and your MIL.
It sounds like that isn't enough????
Is your husband wanting to you to apologize and play 'doormat' to appease his mommie???

What are your husband's thoughts and feelings???

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i have a similar problem with my DSIL

we actually used to get along really well but then as the years went by i realized how selfish she was and when i tried to talk to her about it, she BLEW up on me(on a vacation, no less!) and that was kind of the end of it.

i know i HAVE to deal with her, but i don't enjoy it. DH and i only really see her during holidays now(and that's not actually up to me, DSIL is the one who came up with that idea, which i feel bad for because DH and his brother used to be so close) and i just try and remind myself "it's only for a few hours, then i'll be free of her!"

plus, i hate to say it, but a drink or two helps ease the tension lol i can relax myself a bit and not have to worry so much.

plus DH has about 40 people in his family(between cousins and aunts and uncles) so i try to steer clear of her on those occations, i'll stay placed in another room for most of the time we're there so i don't have to hear her voice(because even THAT irritates me sometimes)

 

[mumom95]

OP, the only example we have been given is this BIL thing.... Which, now, seems to have happened years ago...
(and, yes, no matter what her intentions, is just sick and warped and off-kilter in every way.... she waits until this guys brother is out of town, and then sends him over to his brother's wife for service... )

Your MIL lives 'hours away'... Which even if it is around 2 hours away, means that there isn't normal daily/weekly interaction....
Yet, your children and your husband should be seeing her all the time... and she is having enough influence over you to cause this whole thread????

IMHO, none of this adds up and makes any sense whatsoever.

If ( and I said 'IF') there is a problem.... it is very clear that it is on your husband's part. As well as your own, of course....

My MIL lives almost an hour away...
We see her almost every weekend...
My son sees her, and they care about each other
(He is never left with her for many reasons)
We manage to maintain our own self-respect and personal boundaries.

The only thing that I can begin to even make of what you have posted is that she is currently using the "I love my grandkids SO much" song and dance as a weapon... As a way to break down boundaries and have undue influence over you and your children's lives... What I am seeing in your post sounds like the classic Guilt Trip. And, if this is what is happening, you have fallen head over heels for it.

It is apparent from your posts that this woman knows no boundaries.

But, even with that, I really don't understand how she is able to pose so much of a problem. If she is still managing to cross boundaries and to 'hurt' you, then it is very clear that this is a problem that needs to be addressed with you and your husband.

I don't understand what you mean about this needing to be addressed with me and my husband.

My point of this thread is that I have created a situation within my family, with my decision to cut my MIL out of my life, that has unfortunately made life harder for my kids and dh. And I'm starting to realize that knowing I'm making life harder on my kids and dh hurts me more than what my MIL does to me.

So, I came here asking for help on how I can let go of the hurt and anger and just move on so that I can do what is right for my family. Obviously my MIL has boundary issues, good lord anyone who knows her will tell you that. She isn't willing to change and what a lot of people on here have helped me to see is that I can't change her. So if I'm going to fix this, I have to figure out how to change me, so to speak. And I'm becoming ok with that, because goodness knows that I have a problem with not letting go. That's why I'm asking for help.

I'm sorry none of this makes sense to you, apparently none of it makes sense to my MIL either. Doesn't mean the issues and the pain aren't there anyway.

 

[TB'sWidow]

Wow I thought I was the only one who had a Bil with the golden child syndrome. She will NEVER change on this let me repeat NEVER. That's how my Mil is. We had a very strained relationship my whole married life, now that beloved Dh is gone we have a good relationship which in some ways is sad that he is not here to see it. As pp said you have to accept that she is that way & not going to change. When she talks about the golden child I just listen and I do not respond one way or the other. Good luck to you I hope you can find a balance. Mary

 

[ksjayhawks]

Your MIL has boundary issues, she doesn't respect you, she does things to hurt you and then refuses to acknowledge that she has done this, she favors bil over dh and makes not bones about it, and she doesn't respect dh's requests relating to the boundary issues.

So, you and your dh need to sit down and discuss what is going on and decide on a united front. You are taking way too much of the blame here for the situation. You two need to decide as a family unit what you need to do in terms of dealing with MIL and how much interaction you will have with her. She should not disrespect you and get away with it, she should not be rewarded with visits from dh and the gks because she loooveess them and they are faaaammmmiiilllyyy! Your dh needs to be supporting you.

Right now you are giving her a lot of control over you. You need to decide that she is no longer going to have that power over you and let it go. You won't believe how freeing it is! I had a situation with both ILS about 7 years ago where they lashed out at me (in front of my ds who as 10 at the time)--you would not believe the hatred spewing out of their mouths and eyes! I was totally blindsided. I was mad, hurt, and upset for several months--the very mention of their names would make me tense and upset. One day I finally realized that by doing so I was giving them power over my life. I decided that I was not going to allow that and I let go. I actually said outloud "MIL/FIL I am letting go. You will not have power over my life ever again. I will be polite when needed as to someone I meet at a party, but no more." Just saying the words outloud helped and I felt the release! I realized that they are not going to change and that is their choice. However it is my choice in how I react. I decided I want to spend my life surrounded by positive, happy people who love and care for me and that is what I do. I rarely think about them, rarely talk to them, and when I have to interact with them--a once-a-year visit for my dh sake or at a funeral, I treat them as I do people that I meet at a party--I am polite and ask the right questions, respond as needed, etc. Once the visit is over, they are basically forgotten about until the next time.

They have, unfortunately ruined their relationship with out ds and also our dd because of what they did. Sadly, they also attacked dh's brother and his wife and because of that refused to go to their other gs's wedding. Sad, sad, sad, but it is their choice in how to live their life and I do not waste time worrying about it.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up over this. Don't! You will never have the perfect relationship with your MIL and nothing you will do will change it. She is who she is. You and dh need to seriously talk about this and how much involvement you want her to have in your lives. You need to be alert with your kids so that she doesn't poison them against you with things that she says when you are not around. Why do you and dh want them around a woman who does not respect their mother? respect their parents?

Again, have a long, serious talk with your dh and ask each other these tough questions. You two must do what is right for your family, not just for now, but for the future. And if that means setting tight boundaries with her, limiting time with her for all of you, that is what needs to be done.

Good luck--sending

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I think it's easier for some people vs others. I let a lot go.

Being upset or holding a grudge against a crazy or toxic family member only hurts you. They will never get it and they aren't the ones hurt and sick over it. It's not forgiving or forgetting, just not letting it make you sick anymore.

 

[PollyannaMom]

....Don't think of yourself as a doormat. It's not true. Think of yourself as the wall. You stand and support your husband and your children. When the stuff starts flying, it will bounce off you and go splat. It splats and you are still standing tall supporting your family. Be the wall, don't be the doormat.

I like this one.

I also like:
"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die."

 

[sparklynails23]

Wow, your DH's family will never be close because no one has a sense of humor. "You were supposed to be a girl," hilarious! Sending some exiled BIL over to your house unannounced- very funny. Yes, MIL is a whacko, but you should laugh about it if you can. You could start a long-standing thread and update it every time she does something else.