How do you just let it go?

[AlleyKat]

I have limited time on this earth. I am not going to waste my time worrying or fighting with people.

However at the same token I don't put up with crap either.

I hear you!!!

 

[monkeybug]

I also wanted to say that we have a very similar situation in my family, only it's between my grandma, my mom, and an aunt.
They are all very prideful, and none of them will admit wrong doing, and as a result a family that was once very close, is completely divided. It's really, really sad.
It's taught me a big lesson in my life. I too lean towards being a little prideful, and it's really, really, really hard for me to swallow it!!! But when I see how foolish my family looks over it, and how much they let go just so they can be the "right" one, it's easier to remember why sometimes I have to just be the bigger person.
Just ask yourself what you would lose by just letting go and rebuilding (or at least trying to) a relationship with your MIL? What would you and your family gain? Is it worth it?
There are some people in our lives who treat us so poorly, or just aren't important enough, to put up with, or to cater to their dysfunctions. In those cases it's easier to just walk away. But there are some people who despite their flaws, are really a blessing. At the end of the day I'd rather apologize even when I feel right, and accept that they won't ever admit their role in our disagreement to keep them a part of my life. I have to do it with my Mom and Grandma on a constant basis. It was harder at first, but now it almost feels good. I like that I don't need that outside confirmation of what I'm feeling on the inside as much. It makes me feel like a grown up

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It's more the golden child syndrome. My BIL's happiness comes above all else, she's for the most part even admitted that.

The problem is, I can't let it just be an issue with my dh, because she won't let it. My dh and bil have never been close and my mil knows that. So, she has put the responsibility for his happiness (my BIL's) on me (she lives a few hours away, so it's harder for her). She actually said to me once "I hope you and Steve will become soul mates". Steve is not my husband, Steve is my BIL. And she said this to me a good 5 years into my marriage with dh. When dh is out of town, she will call my BIL up and tell him I'm inviting him over for dinner, without even talking to me. He'll show up at my door assuming I invited him. (I don't cook a big meal when dh is out of town, the kids and I just wing it). And when I confront her about it, she just cries and cries and says how lonely he is. My dh told her to never do it again, and it wasn't a month later that he's knocking on my door again (he finally learned to call if she told him I invited him, knowing there is a good chance I know nothing about it).

This is just one example. My BIL is remarried now so that part has gotten a lot better.

I would love for it to just be an issue with my dh and her, but she just won't allow that. In fact it isn't an issue between them much at all, because she has put the responsibility totally on my shoulders. The only way I've been able to stop it is by cutting off contact with her.

Ok, this is an easy one to handle. Now maybe not for you because you don't know how to communicate with crazy people. I have a black belt now.

Your MIL is mentally unstable. This is not normal behavior for a person. No need to forgive, accept she is "not right" in the head. When she says crazy crap, you ignore it.

When BIL shows up at your door unannounced you tell him to go home.

It is more about you than it is about them. That is your missing link. Hopefully you can see that.

Oh and cutting off contact is OK. If she is on the crazy train, give yourself a break. However my children would not be over there without my supervision. The end.

 

[Mermaid02]

It's more the golden child syndrome. My BIL's happiness comes above all else, she's for the most part even admitted that.

The problem is, I can't let it just be an issue with my dh, because she won't let it. My dh and bil have never been close and my mil knows that. So, she has put the responsibility for his happiness (my BIL's) on me (she lives a few hours away, so it's harder for her). She actually said to me once "I hope you and Steve will become soul mates". Steve is not my husband, Steve is my BIL. And she said this to me a good 5 years into my marriage with dh. When dh is out of town, she will call my BIL up and tell him I'm inviting him over for dinner, without even talking to me. He'll show up at my door assuming I invited him. (I don't cook a big meal when dh is out of town, the kids and I just wing it). And when I confront her about it, she just cries and cries and says how lonely he is. My dh told her to never do it again, and it wasn't a month later that he's knocking on my door again (he finally learned to call if she told him I invited him, knowing there is a good chance I know nothing about it).

This is just one example. My BIL is remarried now so that part has gotten a lot better.

I would love for it to just be an issue with my dh and her, but she just won't allow that. In fact it isn't an issue between them much at all, because she has put the responsibility totally on my shoulders. The only way I've been able to stop it is by cutting off contact with her.

Your mother in law is whacked- treat her like you would any mentally unstable relative.

 

[tinkntraining]

For starters, putting words like "forgiveness" & "forgetting" on the situation is not useful for me. That is religious psychology. I am not religious so it does not apply to me.

I think about in terms of basic psychology. If someone is obviously setting out to tear you down, you don't put yourself back there until you are ready to handle it. That is like a "battered woman" psychology or a lack of self preservation. Which is VERY unhealthy to your mental state.

That is the source of your conflict. So, what do you do? My technique I use is to "accept your reality".

For example, my MIL is paranoid schizophrenic. Now this is an extreme example but it really drives the point home. You would say that there is nothing I can do to change her and that is fact.

However thru the 20+yrs of her, she has been up and down with meds., sometimes in psychosis in which she is out of her mind and dangerous.

Right now meds have improved and she is GREAT!

That being said, I would never leave a small child with her to babysit.

You accept the limitations of the person and when they are off on the rails on the crazy train, you don't stand on the tracks.

Move forward instead of looking behind. That is a trap to keep you in a place of pain.

Or you can look at it as Cesar Milan looks at dogs. Live in the moment. However Cesar would not tell you to let a small child play with an aggressive pit bull. That is part of accepting your reality.

I hope some of this makes sense to you. Not sure I quite answered your question but that is how I look at life.

Thanks Mystery Machine. Once again, you are the voice of reason. I will take the bolded statement with me where I go. The "moving forward" part, well....I still have some work to do.

 

[monkeybug]

Ok, this is an easy one to handle. Now maybe not for you because you don't know how to communicate with crazy people. I have a black belt now.

Your MIL is mentally unstable. This is not normal behavior for a person. No need to forgive, accept she is "not right" in the head. When she says crazy crap, you ignore it.

When BIL shows up at your door unannounced you tell him to go home.

It is more about you than it is about them. That is your missing link. Hopefully you can see that.

Oh and cutting off contact is OK. If she is on the crazy train, give yourself a break. However my children would not be over there without my supervision. The end.

I agree! Just love her for the good parts (if there are any there for you to love) and ignore the crazy!!
My Grandma is super critical, and really negative!!! It used to be really hurtful to me.
Now? Eh...it can be annoying, but I don't take it personally. I just ignore it, 'cause I certainly can't change it!
My Grandma rocks! She is one of the most awesome people I know!! She's funny, and scrappy, and down right adorable, and all of that makes up for the parts of her that are down right crazy!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks Mystery Machine. Once again, you are the voice of reason. I will take the bolded statement with me where I go. The "moving forward" part, well....I still have some work to do.

It takes time. Moving forward is the hardest thing you will ever do.

It is easier to accept that your family is crazy or evil. Harder to accept that nothing you say will do a damn thing.

So at 45, I am not going to waste my breath anymore. If you can get that earlier you are ahead of the game.

Do I slip up? Yep, but then I just keep going forward.

 

[tinkntraining]

It's more the golden child syndrome. My BIL's happiness comes above all else, she's for the most part even admitted that.

The problem is, I can't let it just be an issue with my dh, because she won't let it. My dh and bil have never been close and my mil knows that. So, she has put the responsibility for his happiness (my BIL's) on me (she lives a few hours away, so it's harder for her). She actually said to me once "I hope you and Steve will become soul mates". Steve is not my husband, Steve is my BIL. And she said this to me a good 5 years into my marriage with dh. When dh is out of town, she will call my BIL up and tell him I'm inviting him over for dinner, without even talking to me. He'll show up at my door assuming I invited him. (I don't cook a big meal when dh is out of town, the kids and I just wing it). And when I confront her about it, she just cries and cries and says how lonely he is. My dh told her to never do it again, and it wasn't a month later that he's knocking on my door again (he finally learned to call if she told him I invited him, knowing there is a good chance I know nothing about it).

This is just one example. My BIL is remarried now so that part has gotten a lot better.

I would love for it to just be an issue with my dh and her, but she just won't allow that. In fact it isn't an issue between them much at all, because she has put the responsibility totally on my shoulders. The only way I've been able to stop it is by cutting off contact with her.

OP - although I'm definitely not the one to give advice here, I do think it's okay to cut off contact with someone who obviously, just doesn't get it. The part about wanting BIL to be your soulmate? That's not just stepping over the line, it's highjumping it, if you ask me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I Somebody mentions my brother in law (who has been a big part of the problem through the years, not so much him, but her treatment of him and how it affects my dh and I)

We have realized that my mother in law is not going to change or even acknowledge her part in any of this. So if the relationship is going to be mended, it's going to have to be me that makes the effort towards mending it.

TWO things really jump out at me here....

First, I see that you wrote "and how it affects DH and I...." That is current, present tense... If this is presently having a direct affect on you and your husband, then I see no way to let it go.... I really don't.... You can't let it go until you can, personally, put it behind you. I think the operative phrase here is not 'let it go', as in ignore something that is happening to you and affecting you personally... I think the operative phrase is to handle the situation and put it behind you.

Second, you wrote "MIL is never going to acknowledge her part in any of this, so if the relationship is going to be mended, it is going to be ME...."

Relationships are a two way street... If you are going to try to mend and maintain a relationship with somebody who fails to even acknowledge anything... You are going to continue to be angry and frustrated... Again, as I just said above, That is not letting it go, or, more importantly "putting it behind you"... that is current and present tense anger and frustration.

IMHO, you need to go one step further than saying, Okay, she is who she is.... etc.... You have to move forward.... Quit trying to go backwards and thinking you, alone, have to make amends, and 'mend', the relationship. It takes two.

If there is an ongoing situation with your BIL, once again, that is between your MIL and her son (not you or your DH). If your DH is allowing this to have a direct and current affect on you.... If he is keeping himself involved in any way... big mistake....

So, to put it simply, you can't have it both ways. You can't 'Let It Go', and try to mend or make amends, at the same time...... That's just not gonna work. It is either one or the other... You are letting this continue to affect you on a present and daily basis.... You need to learn how to step back and keep that from happening... So, the phone is ringing and it is her number showing up... Let your DH handle it...

If you are having such a deep 'gut' reaction just simply by seeing her phone call come in, something tells me that perhaps you should listen to your gut.

If your husband, with his brother, are letting this affect you and your family, then this is the problem... not your relationship with your MIL.

If your husband is letting his ongoing relationship with his MIL be detrimental to your marriage and relationship in any way... Then again, this is a problem with him, not your relationship with your MIL.

I always say that there are never in-law problems, only marriage problems.

Hope this Helps!

 

[luvsJack]

That is good advice. And really it boils down to YOU being a controlling person. That is an eye opener for yourself. However you should be "in control" of certain aspects at the same time being able to know what to let go. It is a fine line to walk.

Of course knowledge of handling a controlling/manipulating person helps. DH and I treat it as a sport. We put some fun into. Nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes when dealing with my own mom this advice has helped me. Don't get me wrong, my mom and I are very close; but sometimes she can be overly critical and she tends to think everyone thinks the same as she does. When she comments about how my house is not what she considers clean, for instance, I just tell myself "she is just being the way she is, just let her be" and I can just say "ok, mom" and let it go.

I think most of us want to control to a point, especially in how we think someone should act. We all want the loving, motherly mil, or the loyal sibling or whatever our ideal of a person is or our ideal of what that relationship should be. It is hard when the person turns out to be the opposite of that ideal but that is when we just have to let them "be who they be".

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, after reading the latest posts....

Your MIL is not rational....

There is NO way, EVER, to make amends with irrational people who do not exist in reality.

You are right to remove yourself from a relationship with this woman.

If your husband is letting this continue to affect you...
Then you have a problem with one person alone - your DH.

I also agree that I would be having some very strong second thoughts about my children being around an irrational/unstable person...

 

[mumom95]

I also wanted to say that we have a very similar situation in my family, only it's between my grandma, my mom, and an aunt.
They are all very prideful, and none of them will admit wrong doing, and as a result a family that was once very close, is completely divided. It's really, really sad.
It's taught me a big lesson in my life. I too lean towards being a little prideful, and it's really, really, really hard for me to swallow it!!! But when I see how foolish my family looks over it, and how much they let go just so they can be the "right" one, it's easier to remember why sometimes I have to just be the bigger person.
Just ask yourself what you would lose by just letting go and rebuilding (or at least trying to) a relationship with your MIL? What would you and your family gain? Is it worth it?
There are some people in our lives who treat us so poorly, or just aren't important enough, to put up with, or to cater to their dysfunctions. In those cases it's easier to just walk away. But there are some people who despite their flaws, are really a blessing. At the end of the day I'd rather apologize even when I feel right, and accept that they won't ever admit their role in our disagreement to keep them a part of my life. I have to do it with my Mom and Grandma on a constant basis. It was harder at first, but now it almost feels good. I like that I don't need that outside confirmation of what I'm feeling on the inside as much. It makes me feel like a grown up

I can admit my pride is a big part of what is stopping me from mending the realationship. And I'm not proud to say that either. Like I said, this isn't just her fault, plenty of the blame lies on my shoulders.

My MIL is not a horrible person. And she hasn't treated me badly, she just doesn't seem to be willing to see that her actions have hurt me.

People have made the doormat reference. I guess that's really how I feel. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that that is my place in this family. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me (and I do believe she does). And it would make things so much nicer for my dh and my kids, which is in the end, what matters to me most.

It's just really hard knowing and accepting that you're the dormat. And I know you guys aren't trying to say I'm the doormat. But I guess everyone has a place in a family, and maybe this is just my place, and I just need to be ok with that.

Thank you all for your advice. Sometimes it's nice to get the opinion of people who have nothing to gain or lose by giving it.

I know at this point the problem lies within me. And I'm going to work to try and fix it. I feel a little better now that maybe I can fix it. Some of you have done it, and I'm competitive enough to say well if you can, I can too I'm going to read the books and keep reminding myself of the the little stories people told (I can sadly admit that I am like monk #2)

I can do this. I can. I know I can.

Thanks again!!

 

[luvsJack]

It's more the golden child syndrome. My BIL's happiness comes above all else, she's for the most part even admitted that.

The problem is, I can't let it just be an issue with my dh, because she won't let it. My dh and bil have never been close and my mil knows that. So, she has put the responsibility for his happiness (my BIL's) on me (she lives a few hours away, so it's harder for her). She actually said to me once "I hope you and Steve will become soul mates". Steve is not my husband, Steve is my BIL. And she said this to me a good 5 years into my marriage with dh. When dh is out of town, she will call my BIL up and tell him I'm inviting him over for dinner, without even talking to me. He'll show up at my door assuming I invited him. (I don't cook a big meal when dh is out of town, the kids and I just wing it). And when I confront her about it, she just cries and cries and says how lonely he is. My dh told her to never do it again, and it wasn't a month later that he's knocking on my door again (he finally learned to call if she told him I invited him, knowing there is a good chance I know nothing about it).

This is just one example. My BIL is remarried now so that part has gotten a lot better.

I would love for it to just be an issue with my dh and her, but she just won't allow that. In fact it isn't an issue between them much at all, because she has put the responsibility totally on my shoulders. The only way I've been able to stop it is by cutting off contact with her.

Has your bil tried talking to her? Sounds to me like your husband and your bil need to have a sit down with her and set the limits. She is totally off base and what she is doing doesn't make any sense. Maybe it makes sense to her but somebody needs to find out what she is thinking.

You need to be removed from ithe situation all together, but your dh and his brother really need to find out what is going on with her.

This isn't just a matter of two people not getting along or a controlling mil.

 

[mumom95]

TWO things really jump out at me here....

First, I see that you wrote "and how it affects DH and I...." That is current, present tense... If this is presently having a direct affect on you and your husband, then I see no way to let it go.... I really don't.... You can't let it go until you can, personally, put it behind you. I think the operative phrase here is not 'let it go', as in ignore something that is happening to you and affecting you personally... I think the operative phrase is to handle the situation and put it behind you.

Second, you wrote "MIL is never going to acknowledge her part in any of this, so if the relationship is going to be mended, it is going to be ME...."

Relationships are a two way street... If you are going to try to mend and maintain a relationship with somebody who fails to even acknowledge anything... You are going to continue to be angry and frustrated... Again, as I just said above, That is not letting it go, or, more importantly "putting it behind you"... that is current and present tense anger and frustration.

IMHO, you need to go one step further than saying, Okay, she is who she is.... etc.... You have to move forward.... Quit trying to go backwards and thinking you, alone, have to make amends, and 'mend', the relationship. It takes two.

If there is an ongoing situation with your BIL, once again, that is between your MIL and her son (not you or your DH). If your DH is allowing this to have a direct and current affect on you.... If he is keeping himself involved in any way... big mistake....

So, to put it simply, you can't have it both ways. You can't 'Let It Go', and try to mend or make amends, at the same time...... That's just not gonna work. It is either one or the other... You are letting this continue to affect you on a present and daily basis.... You need to learn how to step back and keep that from happening... So, the phone is ringing and it is her number showing up... Let your DH handle it...

If you are having such a deep 'gut' reaction just simply by seeing her phone call come in, something tells me that perhaps you should listen to your gut.

If your husband, with his brother, are letting this affect you and your family, then this is the problem... not your relationship with your MIL.

If your husband is letting his ongoing relationship with his MIL be detrimental to your marriage and relationship in any way... Then again, this is a problem with him, not your relationship with your MIL.

I always say that there are never in-law problems, only marriage problems.

Hope this Helps!

I agree that a relationship is a two way street. And I appreciate everything you wrote.

But sometimes one of the parties isn't willing to move. So, if it's going to be fixed then the other one has to.

I have no problem walking away from her myself. I've personally been happier since I have.

But my decision doesn't just affect me, it also affects my dh and kids. And I'm starting to realize that knowing that what I'm doing is making them sad, is worse being sad myself when it came to dealing with my MIL.

My kids love my MIL (and she really is a great grandmother) and not getting to see her as much is hurting them (although, they have been so kind and never said a word to me about it, but I can see it ). And my poor dh is stuck in the middle of all this.

There is nothing worse than knowing your actions, even if they make you happy, are hurting the people you love most.

 

[monkeybug]

I can admit my pride is a big part of what is stopping me from mending the realationship. And I'm not proud to say that either. Like I said, this isn't just her fault, plenty of the blame lies on my shoulders.

My MIL is not a horrible person. And she hasn't treated me badly, she just doesn't seem to be willing to see that her actions have hurt me.

People have made the doormat reference. I guess that's really how I feel. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that that is my place in this family. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me (and I do believe she does). And it would make things so much nicer for my dh and my kids, which is in the end, what matters to me most.

It's just really hard knowing and accepting that you're the dormat. And I know you guys aren't trying to say I'm the doormat. But I guess everyone has a place in a family, and maybe this is just my place, and I just need to be ok with that.

Thank you all for your advice. Sometimes it's nice to get the opinion of people who have nothing to gain or lose by giving it.

I know at this point the problem lies within me. And I'm going to work to try and fix it. I feel a little better now that maybe I can fix it. Some of you have done it, and I'm competitive enough to say well if you can, I can too I'm going to read the books and keep reminding myself of the the little stories people told (I can sadly admit that I am like monk #2)

I can do this. I can. I know I can.

Thanks again!!

And you can do it with out accepting a role of doormat!!! Swallowing your pride and apologizing for YOUR role, with out expecting apology back, does not a doormat make. You can be the bigger person, but still put limits on how you allow people to treat you.
It just means you learn to recognize where your issues stop, and their issues begin. Take responsibility for yours, let them handle theirs, and move on with a relationship, but don't allow them to put you in situations that aren't worth the relationship.

 

[monkeybug]

I agree that a relationship is a two way street. And I appreciate everything you wrote.

But sometimes one of the parties isn't willing to move. So, if it's going to be fixed then the other one has to.

I have no problem walking away from her myself. I've personally been happier since I have.

But my decision doesn't just affect me, it also affects my dh and kids. And I'm starting to realize that knowing that what I'm doing is making them sad, is worse being sad myself when it came to dealing with my MIL.

My kids love my MIL (and she really is a great grandmother) and not getting to see her as much is hurting them (although, they have been so kind and never said a word to me about it, but I can see it ). And my poor dh is stuck in the middle of all this.

There is nothing worse than knowing your actions, even if they make you happy, are hurting the people you love most.

I read somewhere once that our biggest regrets in life are not the things we did, but the things we didn't!

I try to apply that to situations like your in sometimes. Would I regret apologizing and having it not work out? Or will I regret that I just never worked up the courage and swallowed enough pride to apologize in the first place? For me it's almost always the latter...and it sucks!! 'Cause I don't like swallowing my pride. It's like glass going down my throat.
I think it sounds like you will regret the lack of relationship, and what that does to your family, more than you will regret letting the crazy back in!!!

 

[mumom95]

For starters, putting words like "forgiveness" & "forgetting" on the situation is not useful for me. That is religious psychology. I am not religious so it does not apply to me.

I think about in terms of basic psychology. If someone is obviously setting out to tear you down, you don't put yourself back there until you are ready to handle it. That is like a "battered woman" psychology or a lack of self preservation. Which is VERY unhealthy to your mental state.

That is the source of your conflict. So, what do you do? My technique I use is to "accept your reality".

For example, my MIL is paranoid schizophrenic. Now this is an extreme example but it really drives the point home. You would say that there is nothing I can do to change her and that is fact.

However thru the 20+yrs of her, she has been up and down with meds., sometimes in psychosis in which she is out of her mind and dangerous.

Right now meds have improved and she is GREAT!

That being said, I would never leave a small child with her to babysit.

You accept the limitations of the person and when they are off on the rails on the crazy train, you don't stand on the tracks.

Move forward instead of looking behind. That is a trap to keep you in a place of pain.

Or you can look at it as Cesar Milan looks at dogs. Live in the moment. However Cesar would not tell you to let a small child play with an aggressive pit bull. That is part of accepting your reality.

I hope some of this makes sense to you. Not sure I quite answered your question but that is how I look at life.

I does make sense to me. And I'm not sure my question has a definite answer, I think it is more about seeing how other people look at life and deal with things that will help me figure out how I need to deal with it.

So, thanks for taking the time to write it.

 

[dawn1620]

We did some emotional housecleaning this weekend with DH's family. My MIL is a drama queen who always makes everything about herself. My side of the family emotionally is a very placid stream to DH & I...she is a tsunami. Example..she and DH had a fight, no communication both ways for two weeks then I get a phone call wanting to know why we are keeping DD from her.

I just told her that our phone is not broken, our driveway is not blocked and we have never tried to keep DD from her. I told her just because we were ignoring her drama does not mean she is cut off, she is always welcome to talk to or see her grandchild. I told her that DD will never be part of a fight between her and DH and not to bring that up again. Also told her she and DH need to figure their own crap out...I am not part of it. I try to not get involved in her dramas and let DH handle them on his own. He has finally put his foot down on a lot of it so the episodes have decreased a lot..he can't stand it anymore, either. But I'm sure she'll try to find more ways.

DH's dad used to be a bad alcoholic while he was growing up..now he smokes pot all the time. Everytime he comes over he is stoned out of his brain and smells to high heaven from it. He seemed clean last year but has gone back to his old ways. He has never been allowed to take DD anywhere and only had supervised visits...not because we think he'll do anything to her physically, ect - he is just an irresponsible idiot that can't be trusted period. Saturday night he showed up at 8:30, stoned of course..DH told him he is not welcome at our home anymore unless he can show up presentable and not on anything. Basically we might never see him again because he did not understand why DH was being like that..

Basically with his mother being the emotional martyer and his dad being a burnout...we told them they are now soley responsible for the type of relationship they have with DD...we are be responsible for protecting her emotionally, physically, every way possible and the crap they have been pulling is now done.

We have just dropped worrying about it altogether...we only worry about how it affects DD but she is aware of the situations as much as we think she needs to know. We are honest with her about it...to a point.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I do not believe that accepting that you are a doormat, and that this is your place in the family, is an appropriate or healthy attitude.

You can say that your kids love her, and that she is a good grandmother... But, based on how she conducts herself with her two sons, and her DIL (you -your children's mother.) How can this can be good for your kids at all. She is playing a very huge part in the stress and sadness that you say your kids are feeling.

How can overt favoritism, controlling behavior, and seeing this person create negative drama with their own mother, etc... be good for your kids.

I am still afraid that you are not seeing the big picture.

Based on what I am getting from your post, being a doormat is not an appropriate and/or healthy thing. Based on what I am reading from your post... My advice: If you don't want to be a doormat, then you should not be on her doorstep. I really don't see ANY middle ground.

 

[mumom95]

You can say that your kids love her, and that she is a good grandmother... But, based on how she conducts herself with her two sons, and her DIL (you -your children's mother.) How can this can be good for your kids at all. She is playing a very huge part in the stress and sadness that you say your kids are feeling.

How can overt favoritism, controlling behavior, and seeing this person create negative drama with their own mother, etc... be good for your kids.

.

I understand what you are saying. And you probably have a good point about the favoritism and controlling behavior not being a good thing for my kids to see.

It's hard to explain. They just love her. And a lot of that is because she loves them so much. The one thing I've worked really hard at is trying to do through the years, is not to put them in the middle of all of this. My MIL may have a lot of issues and do a lot of things that I have hurt me, but she's never been anything but 100% wonderful to my kids.

So, seeing that behavior may not be good for them. But I just think that doing something to break the love between her and them would be so much worse.

I'm not trying to argue with you. And you made a lot of really good points when it comes to the relationship between her and me. But, she is a good grandma. If she wasn't, it would make all of this so easy, because I could just walk away without any guilt (my dh is really only in the middle because of the kids, I think he would walk away too if it wasn't for them).