How do you handle the Holidays when...

[TheIncredibles!]

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

Dh and I alternate holidays and my MIL has spent the past 23 years moaning and groaning about it but as adults with our own children WE get to decide how WE want to spend our holidays. If it were up to my MIL we would spend every single holiday with her every single year and would spend none of it with my family or doing our own thing with just DH and I and our 3 kids. So yeah because he's an adult he is the one that decides what he will do for the holidays.

 

[lizabu]

My eldest three will be at their dads this Christmas. We're going to take my youngest DD to New Orleans for Christmas. It's just not in me to do all that cooking and baking for just the three of us. And at home I will feel them missing more. Honestly I'm a little sad that I won't see them. We plan to do lots of activities and it's somewhere we've never been before. We plan to try to enjoy ourselves as much as we can.

 

[lizabu]

Maybe I'm misreading... he said he'd spend 2-3 hours with the Family at Christmas? So, he's making time for you, just not enough time, in your opinion? I'm sorry, but he is making an effort to be there, which is more than many "adult children" will do. With travel time, that's a big chunk of the day, especially if there are other people he wants to visit. Maybe you should just be happy that he will be visiting!

As to Thanksgiving, is he maybe working? Many people do. DH works in manufacturing, and they work 24/7/365, so he might need to work any or all Holidays. Maybe your DS is in a similar situation.

I didn't catch that bit the first time I read it but you are right. OP you're still going to see your son. 2-3 hours of his time is wonderful. He probably has other people he wants to see too. It wouldn't be fair for you to monopolize the whole day.

 

[sonnyjane]

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

Nope. For the last 7 years I've spent those holidays with my husband and cat.

Trips back to see family are great for a short bit (actually even that's a bit of a stretch), but sleeping in a room that's not mine, being essentially a houseguest even if it's family isn't my cup of tea. If I lived 30 minutes away like your son, I'd stop by to do gifts and a meal and be on my way, which sounds like what he has offered.

I agree with those saying if you're upset now then you're in for a very rude awakening when he has a family of his own.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I've never quite understood the disconnect between parents wanting to raise their kids to be independent adults and then getting mad at them when they're independent adults. OP, my mom felt the same way as you did when I became and adult and started not spending the entire day with them on Christmas, and the result is that now that I have a family we never see her on Christmas day. There was too much pressure to be there all day, too much treading lightly to try to hurt her feelings, and we decided that we weren't in for that kind of pressure. I would suggest that if you want your son to not go that path you try to become more accommodating and understand that adults have their own lives outside of mom and dad, and moms and dads need to have their own lives outside of their kids.

We got(still get) the pressure too but we just march on with our schedule because it makes us happy and it's fair to ME and fair to DH and we believe that spending equal time with both sides is fair to our children. We can't worry about what MIL thinks is fair because she's only concerned about herself, she's not at all concerned about us as our own little family. DH's sister is on the opposite schedule that we are on and we all did that deliberately so the in-laws are never alone on a holiday but MIL is still not happy and she makes sure we know how unhappy she is every single holiday we are not with them. We just let it roll at this point. We'd be shocked if she didn't have anything to say - lol.

 

[BadPinkTink]

Im with you son @pat fan sorry

My family is big on Christmas, but for various reasons, I have just lost the Christmas spirit. Now dont get me wrong, I love spending time with my family, its just the whole Christmas festivities I have a hard time with. I would love to do my own thing, but my family just dont get that I have lost the Christmas spirit. So each year I just go with the flow, making my family happy that we are all together, going through the motions of the holiday.

You son might be battling demons you know nothing about, your son might have lost the Christmas spirit for whatever reason and just wants to do hiis own thing. Give him space, let him be, dont force him to do the family thing as you might lose him even more

 

[pat fan]

There is much more to this story, and frankly, I'm not airing it all here. Suffice it to say he told us last year that it was not our imagination, but that he has deliberately cut us out of his life the last few years. We knew he had, but hoped it was just becoming an adult and creating his own life and there was no issues made. We did not guilt him into anything event-wise but always invited him and said we were sorry he couldn't make it when the inevitable excuse came. Once he came clean it was deliberate, yes, my heart broke. In a million pieces. Not quite back together yet either.

Yes, he has a SO and will be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and morning with the other family. We have no relationship with the SO because they do not visit us, nor are we invited there. No, we have never said an unkind word about his SO. Frankly, our interaction has been less than one minute in total. They even turned down a 2 day whirlwind paid for trip to see Osbourne Lights before they're gone in lieu of Christmas gifts. But he would take money for his student loans, thanks.

 

[Bluestars]

I think all you can do is make your home a pleasant place to visit and let him know you would love to see him anytime of year. I haven't spent Christmas or Thanksgiving with my parents since I was in college. I live across the country and visit my family at other times. When kids grow up, sometimes things change. It doesn't mean the kids don't want to spend time with their parents. They have lives and should be able to create their own special memories. Sometimes I see my daughter and her family on holidays and sometimes they do other things. It's fine. They visit when they can.

There are plenty of other opportunities to have quality time with loved ones that don't include the holidays. Sometimes I will plan vacations with family members. Those are always a lot of fun.

 

[pat fan]

OP, my mom felt the same way as you did when I became and adult and started not spending the entire day with them on Christmas, and the result is that now that I have a family we never see her on Christmas day. There was too much pressure to be there all day, too much treading lightly to try to hurt her feelings, and we decided that we weren't in for that kind of pressure. I would suggest that if you want your son to not go that path you try to become more accommodating and understand that adults have their own lives outside of mom and dad, and moms and dads need to have their own lives outside of their kids.

You must not have read my entire post. I am not married to getting together on actual Christmas day, my MIL gave me a very good example to follow. And both my kids have lived on their own for years now and have not spent Christmas day in it's entirety with us for a few of those. Generally they have come over 10:00 or so, but I did tell my newly married son that they may need to re-think that plan with having their own little Christmas am and still going to her grandma's at noon. Trust me, I'm flexible.

 

[pat fan]

There are plenty of other opportunities to have quality time with loved ones that don't include the holidays. Sometimes I will plan vacations with family members. Those are always a lot of fun

Holidays were all I had left with this son, so it's hurtful.

 

[Bluestars]

There is much more to this story, and frankly, I'm not airing it all here. Suffice it to say he told us last year that it was not our imagination, but that he has deliberately cut us out of his life the last few years. We knew he had, but hoped it was just becoming an adult and creating his own life and there was no issues made. We did not guilt him into anything event-wise but always invited him and said we were sorry he couldn't make it when the inevitable excuse came. Once he came clean it was deliberate, yes, my heart broke. In a million pieces. Not quite back together yet either.

Yes, he has a SO and will be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and morning with the other family. We have no relationship with the SO because they do not visit us, nor are we invited there. No, we have never said an unkind word about his SO. Frankly, our interaction has been less than one minute in total. They even turned down a 2 day whirlwind paid for trip to see Osbourne Lights before they're gone in lieu of Christmas gifts. But he would take money for his student loans, thanks.

I didn't see this post when I made my last comment. I'm sorry. That must have been very painful to hear him say those things. Whatever happened must have affected him deeply to do something so harsh. I hope you are able to eventually work things out with him.

 

[Bluestars]

Since he will be seeing you at Christmas, that might be a great opportunity to show him that you love him and make the experience a happy one.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, Pat Fan, it did seem pretty clear that there are some very real underlying issues.
I am so sorry!!! I can only imagine how much this hurts, and goes right thru your heart.

You do seem like you have tried to be accepting and accommodating.
And, perhaps you have!!!
But, sometimes issues like this go back so far, or are just so complex.

If you see him/them for that amount of time, I would just want to maximize that and make it as easy and positive as possible.
If you seem him, even for the one visit, that is a GOOD thing!

And, the possibility remains that, yes, he will 'take' that, and yet there will still be no change in his atttitude..
Sometimes, no matter how much wishful thinking, it is what it is.

 

[ronandannette]

Maybe I'm misreading... he said he'd spend 2-3 hours with the Family at Christmas? So, he's making time for you, just not enough time, in your opinion? I'm sorry, but he is making an effort to be there, which is more than many "adult children" will do. With travel time, that's a big chunk of the day, especially if there are other people he wants to visit. Maybe you should just be happy that he will be visiting!

As to Thanksgiving, is he maybe working? Many people do. DH works in manufacturing, and they work 24/7/365, so he might need to work any or all Holidays. Maybe your DS is in a similar situation.

Good point - in my family (where we all get along very well but each have our own lives on the go) everybody arriving for dinner and leaving after it's done IS spending Christmas together. But in further posts OP has gone on to say that they and the DS are basically estranged, in which case I'd think him agreeing to come even for a short period of them would actually be a happy thing, but apparently not.

 

[okeydokey]

So because he is an adult it's ok to blow off family? I am open to all kinds of re-arranging, but apparently that's not an option. Sorry, I'm just hurt and angry and don't get his behavior. And trust me, I've always said I would be flexible when they got older, but cutting family off is not what I was imagining my choice would be. Do you choose to not spend time with your parents and sibling on the holidays?

He is not blowing you off. He will see you a few hours on Christmas. I hope those few hours are pleasant amd stress free with no bad feelings or attitudes. Maybe he will spend more time next time if it is a good visit.

There is a reason he is not close to you, amd that is personal to your family, but I hope you can all get past it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, you ask 'How do you handle the holidays when....'
I know that, for you, this is like an open wound. But, the thing is, many, MANY people with grown adult children do not spend the holidays together, for a wide variety of reasons. Many would see great value in that one visit.

The holidays are so much more than spending long periods of time with certain 'family'.
Especially once the kids are grown adults, Christmas is not about re-living the past, when the kids were little, and Christmas was a weeks long affair, culminating in Christmas morning.

How much time with your son would be enough to make you feel better about everything?

For your son, the visit that he mentions might be a huge thing.
I would hate to think that this would be overshadowed or made negative by the 'vibe' that... well it's just not enough for her....
(Like, I bought her a gift, but it is never nice enough.)

I can tell you that, for me and DH, even after being married for several years, and having our son, my MIL thought that maybe we would leave our home (almost one hour away), come and actually spend the night Christmas Eve, and she would be the one to have 'Christmas' for/with our son.

I know that this situation is hurtful.
And I am so SO, sorry about the past situation with your son.
But, I do hope that you are able to get past the hurt and understand that having expectations that are more than he is comfortable with will only backfire.

 

[Jennasis]

DH also cut his mother out and we no longer give her any more than 2-3 hours on any holiday, and do not socialize with her beyond that. I don't know what your underlying family issues are but there are clearly some doozies. It's heartbreaking I'm sure but nothing you can do other than let him know the is always open...and of course carefully examine why he cut the family out and see what contribution you had in it and if there is any change you could make. My MILhas madeno attempt to change her behavior or situation since the falling out, therefore we are not changing thecutting of her out.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Many here know that there was really no love lost between my MIL and myself.

But, I just wanted to say that, based on the OP's comments, I think this is more complex than the typical MIL issues.
I am not ready to start making any assumptions.
I think we all know that there are two sides of this story.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

An adult child doesn't want to spend time at home?

My MIL and mom were/are the best when it came to the Holidays. My MIL moved Christmas to the weekend prior or after Christmas and they didn't "do" Thanksgiving. My mom moved Christmas to Christmas night, since that worked for everyone. My family all does their own thing for Thanksgiving and gets together at night at my house for leftovers and pie.

My DS just said he's not coming home at all for Thanksgiving and only has 2-3 hours he will come for Christmas. I just want to cry. I just am at a loss as to how to handle this. Other than wanting to cry and go away for the holidays and skip them.

It's one thing to say, I live 12 hours away and can't swing a flight this year. Or the kids are too little, can we do Christmas a different day. None of that is the case. Just choosing to be with other people and choosing to not be with family.

Is family still coming to your house for leftovers and pie?

As far as myself, I ask my kids if they are coming for Thanksgiving. If they can fine. If they have other plans, that is fine as well.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Holidays were all I had left with this son, so it's hurtful.

Maybe the 2-3 hrs will be the beginning of rebuilding something? Sounds like a possible olive branch?

I read your previous posts and see that he stated to you that he has deliberately cut you out of his life. That is tough to accept.