How do I answer now?

[denisem]

Now I am wondering how long it will take for it to sink in and for my brain to remember that he is gone...

Michelle...

I went through something similar 11 yrs. ago and I wish I could make this easier for you. Sudden death knocks the wind out of anyone, and this ambiguous legal vs. emotional status adds to your grief. Legal don't always = emotional/moral.

Emotionally, you are officially a widow, IMHO. In impersonal, run-of-the-mill questioning, go with "divorced". It's easier.

Please try to focus on the fact you loved each other and were actively seeking a positive outcome for reconcilliation. That's the important thing. Also, treat yourself as you would treat your best friend in the same circumstances. If you begin to second-guess yourself (common in the middle-of-the-night-crazies) think, "what would I say to comfort my best friend?" and believe it.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to rant. I actually "discovered" the Internet during that time, and it helped immensely in finding "kindred spirits" (or mindless goofball diversion) without feeling I was yet again burdening my friends & family with these raw thoughts.

My best wishes,
Denise

 

[mbw12]

Chell- You say whatever you feel comfortable with....and I agree with someone else...whatever you feel in your heart. You know your reasons for divorcing him, and you know that the two of you were trying to work things out.

I also just wanted to send you a big hug....

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

How very sad. I read the post and I could not believe it when you said he died. I am truly sorry for your loss. I answered your poll with Divorced but my first instinct was to say widowed. I think you go with what you want. I'm sure you did all you could for him and he is thankful to have had you in his life. Good luck to you!

 

[lulugirl]

I have thought along those lines as well. The bottom line with myself is that I need to stop beating myself up. No matter what it was his time to go and there is/was not anything I can do to change that fact - as much as I would like to be able to change it.

I really don't mean to keep going on and on about this but it is such a horrible thing and I'm having a terrible time dealing with it. Never before have I had such a terrible time accepting or dealing with anything.

Thanks again to everyone for listening and letting me vent.

Would you consider going for grief counseling? I went after my father died, it was very helpful. Don't go through this alone.

 

[chell]

Would you consider going for grief counseling? I went after my father died, it was very helpful. Don't go through this alone.

Tomorrow I hope to have the contact info on a good grief counselor in my area.

Denise I just may have to take you up on that soon.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Poohnatic]

IMO, you're a widow. Legal documents say one thing, but your heart mourns him as his widow.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Suzanne

 

[kdibattista]

IMO, you're a widow. Legal documents say one thing, but your heart mourns him as his widow.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Suzanne

I think this sums it up perfectly!!!

 

[dmslush]

I think you are a widow. My mom and dad divorced 6 months before he committed suicide, but remained the best of friends. They always loved each other, but she couldn't handle his drug problem. She has ALWAYS referred to herself as a widow. He died 30 years ago, and to this day, she will call him her "Late Husband".

 

[Serena]

You refer to yourself and your situation any which damn way you please and forget anyone else that would otherwise correct you. It's not their business, it's yours and yours alone. You don't need to offer any explanations or provide any rationale. It is your life and your love and no one else's.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Chell. Wish I could be there for you.

I agree.

 

[nativetxn]

If you haven't married since your divorce then you are widowed. At least Social Security sees it that way.

Katholyn

 

[DisneyPhD]

Chell, I think one thing is clear from this. As "different" situation this is, you are not alone in it. It apears many in the same situation consider themselves a widow.

I think that makes a lot of sence. A widow in provided a certain amount of respect, sympathy and understanding of the loss in her life. For some people the death of their X would not be such a difficult adjustment because they have really parted in their hearts also. Your situation is not like that. Instead of growing apart, you and DH (X) where heading together instead apart.

Please don't dismiss how huge of a loss this is for you. Don't let others. Has the funneral happened yet? How close are you to his family? I think if you could help in the planning of it, it might help your recovery.

My heart goes out to you. You are not alone.

 

[chell]

Please don't dismiss how huge of a loss this is for you. Don't let others. Has the funneral happened yet? How close are you to his family? I think if you could help in the planning of it, it might help your recovery.

Again, thanks everyone It means so much to me to get so much love and support here.

His funeral was on Saturday. I did help with some of it. His brothers didn't question me at all when I told them to have him cremated and that the ashes needed to be divided into 4 parts. I told them where Junior wanted his ashes spread and they thought it was a good idea.

I was a wreck at the funeral. I was beyond sobbing. It took 4 people to walk me out of the chapel.

Today has been another bad day for me and I don't know why. Later in the day I found out that they were cremating him today - maybe that was why and I didn't know the reason until later. I broke down at least 4 times today.

No matter what this hurts like hell and I really don't know how to deal with it.

Sometime in November a lady gave me her card - she is a counselor in a nearby county but I can't find where I put the card. I'm trying so hard to find it. She was such a great lady and we really hit i off as soon as we met. I need to find her and see if she has any experience with grief counseling.

 

[DisneyPhD]

No matter what this hurts like hell and I really don't know how to deal with it.

Sometime in November a lady gave me her card - she is a counselor in a nearby county but I can't find where I put the card. I'm trying so hard to find it. She was such a great lady and we really hit i off as soon as we met. I need to find her and see if she has any experience with grief counseling.

Chell, It is going to hurt for a while before it gets better. That is ok. Your relationship was importantant and worth it.

About the counselor, do you remember anything else about her, name, where she works out of. Is she part of a hosptial or clinic? (you might be able to find her that way.)

Most counselors do know some about greif. It is something that effects everyone is we live long enough. It effets everyone differently though (there are commonalities, but everyone copes differently.)

A good relationship and conection with a therapist is very important. With out it, the whole process won't be as effective. However it doesn't have to be limited to this women if you can't find her card. After all relationships are formed over time.

Best of luck. Here is a hug for the hard times.

 

[chell]

Thanks again DisneyPhD. I finally found her card. FINALLY! I was almost in a panic trying to find it. That just isn't like me at all. I know it is all the stress I am under.

She wasn't in her office today so I hope she is tomorrow. I also have the number of a lady who lives just down the road from me. I am going to call her tomorrow.

Tonight I had to go to the grocery store and broke down in there too. Everyone in this town is going to think that I am a big ole freak. When I was leaving I drove by a tractor-trailer that had just parked. I had to park my car and just stare at the trailer and try to figure out which part of it made contact with Junior's body. If it had not been so cold I probably would have walked up to it.

My father went by the funeral home today to pick up my portion of his remains. Guess I will bring him home Sunday.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Good to hear you found the card.

It's ok if everyone things you are crazy. Belive it or not, you are normal and what other think doesn't mater.

My best friends father was killed by a drunk diver when she was 10 years old. She said she once found her mother kicking a car like the one what was in the accident in the parking lot one day. Beat the crap out of it. It wasn't even the same car.

In the worlds of Forest Gump, "Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks in the world."

 

[chell]

OMG! I really can see myself doing the same thing. Actually I have pictured it in my head a time or two. I still want to go outside and break something or throw rocks or something. It is just way too cold here to do that right now.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Yes, it is too cold out now, but you would warm up. (not that I advocate vandalism, just so we are clear! )

However grief takes a while, you will have more time when it warms up (and maybe more constructive ways to work it out by then!)

Can I ask a personal quesitons? Was the party responsible caught and will they be held responible (or did they not make it either?)

 

[chell]

For the record no vandelisim is planned. I am surrounded by the woods so it wouldn't hurt for me to throw some rocks and such.

His partner was the one driving the truck and he is having a terrible time dealing with it. He is about to have a nervous break down. The police are not going to press charges because they do not think he did it on purpose or was negligent.

I am trying very hard not to place blame but it is difficult.

Junior's partner saw Junior near the back of the truck then for some reason didn't see him when he went to finish backing up the last 2 feet or so. I have been told that he thought Junior went to the restroom. He finished backing up with Junior between the trailer and the loading dock, crushing Junior to death. The other workers in the area had to tell him to move the truck because Junior was behind it. The police officer said that when the truck was moved forward and Junior's body hit the ground he was already dead. I sure hope so for his sake. I hope he did not suffer at all.

It isn't just the fact that he died but also how he died that I am having a difficult time dealing with. I still want someone to wake me from this horrible dream. He simply can't be gone.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Oh my, what a horrible story. So scary too (how easy it is to happen.) So sensless and difficult to understand. It would be easier to deal with if there was somone to blame like a drunk driver! His poor partner. There doesn't seem to be enough hug either (and rocks.)

I really belive that good comes from all things, even the worst (over time). However finding it in this is going to be a hard journey.

 

[chell]

Again DisneyPhD I want to thank you for all the support you have been showing me.

Saturday morning I have an appointment with a counselor.