How do divorced parents split college costs?

[kamik86]

One thing to note though is that many schools will not allow you to switch your status once you have been admitted. (I know this from my work with pregnant women at the university where I worked.)

So, if you had a child while a student (or got married), you could not change your status to independent. Even if your parents disowned you, you were still required to report their income on your FAFSA and financial aid would be determined accordingly. These policies basically make it so that if your parents are unwilling to help, you are forced to drop out.

Hmm I didn't know that... Then again I never looked I did get married while still in college but it was November of my senior year so its not like we had another aid year to deal with at that point.

 

[jrmasm]

Well even if the parents were still together the FAFSA says they should pay in the calculations but not all will. I definitely was far better off financially in college having parents that were relatively low income then some of my friends with higher income parents that either failed to plan or refused to help.

I get that.

My reaction is solely based on the OP's retelling of the conversation. The op has described a situation where the father is refusing to pay because of his animosity towards his ex wife. I think in this situation (based on the OP) that the guy is a scumbag.

 

[kamik86]

I am fully aware of how fafsa works. My point is that I think both parents' income should be considered regardless of whether they are married or not.

The OP also said he didn't think he should have had to pay child support since his ex remarried a rich guy. As I said in in earlier post, it doesn't matter what kind of shrew his ex is, it's his daughter that he should be focused on, not his hatred for his ex.

Actually I can think of just one reason to be a bit bitter about this.

Lets say your the father. Your ex-wife makes 1/4 of what you make and is dating some guy with a bunch of money (makes 4x what you make) and has primary custody.

Well if she wasn't married the FAFSA would say that $x has to be contributed by family towards college costs.

But she gets married shortly before the child goes to school... now the FAFSA is going to use household income so instead of 1/4 of what you make being on the FAFSA its 4.25 times what you make. Now the contribution is up by a very very large amount.

Is it really right that you as the father now are expected to pay so much more money because your ex-wife got remarried? If she had waited to remarry the cost of college for the family wouldn't have increased.

 

[havaneselover]

I have 5.5 years until I experience this first hand but I hope ex and I will split what's not covered by 529s. While we were married we covered 8 semesters in state for both children. Ex does not pay child support (he is supposed to but not really in a position now but he pays for the kids health insurance, provides after school care, and has started splitting big purchases with me) and I put about $2000/kid/year into 529s for room and boards and other college expenses. He doesn't contribute to that. So whatever the kids need in college I think he should help with more than 50%, but I'm trying to make sure I can cover 100% by living conservatively.

M is a jerk and his kids will probably resent him.

 

[jrmasm]

Actually I can think of just one reason to be a bit bitter about this.

Lets say your the father. Your ex-wife makes 1/4 of what you make and is dating some guy with a bunch of money (makes 4x what you make) and has primary custody.

Well if she wasn't married the FAFSA would say that $x has to be contributed by family towards college costs.

But she gets married shortly before the child goes to school... now the FAFSA is going to use household income so instead of 1/4 of what you make being on the FAFSA its 4.25 times what you make. Now the contribution is up by a very very large amount.

Is it really right that you as the father now are expected to pay so much more money because your ex-wife got remarried? If she had waited to remarry the cost of college for the family wouldn't have increased.

Honestly? Life's not fair. Get over it. Put your child's needs first, not your bitterness.


Not you obviously!

 

[kamik86]

Honestly? Life's not fair. Get over it. Put your child's needs first, not your bitterness.


Not you obviously!

True but couldn't the same thing be said to the mother. She was the one that put her needs to remarry first and now doesn't want to pay the extra. I agree the child shouldn't be the one to suffer but maybe the wrong parent is being called a scumbag.

 

[tzolkin]

Hmm I didn't know that... Then again I never looked I did get married while still in college but it was November of my senior year so its not like we had another aid year to deal with at that point.

I would assume it's not the case at larger/public universities (because there is a more diverse student population), but many of the smaller, private schools have an expectation that all entering freshman will be teenagers directly from high school and that their parents should support them throughout college. They also don't want people switching status just to get more financial aid and many schools also have several policies to discourage parenting students from attending (must live on campus, no childcare, no maternity leave, etc.)

 

[havaneselover]

True but couldn't the same thing be said to the mother. She was the one that put her needs to remarry first and now doesn't want to pay the extra. I agree the child shouldn't be the one to suffer but maybe the wrong parent is being called a scumbag.

I'm confused. He is remarried too. Maybe I missed something. And they very well may both be scumbags.

If I were her I would figure out how to get dd through school without loans regardless of what the ex does.

I was in a situation where for three years my ex couldn't help with much and the kids knew if they needed something I would be the one to ask. Ex didn't like that but couldn't do much to help. If he can help when they go to college I believe he will regardless of my situation because he doesn't want our kids thinking he didn't support them.

Divorce has a lot of sucky consequences and people need to act like grown ups.

 

[gwynne]

I would assume it's not the case at larger/public universities (because there is a more diverse student population), but many of the smaller, private schools have an expectation that all entering freshman will be teenagers directly from high school and that their parents should support them throughout college. They also don't want people switching status just to get more financial aid and many schools also have several policies to discourage parenting students from attending (must live on campus, no childcare, no maternity leave, etc.)

Well, many (most?) public institutions have a different mindset in this area. They aren't looking to exclude. They generally have a philosophy of inclusiveness, opportunity.
Shaming expectant mothers really isn't their deal. Keeping them in school (if possible) is.

 

[NHdisneylover]

. . . He responded that since ex wife married a rich man, they didn't "need" the child support he's been paying all those years, and ex wife should have saved the 10 years of child support money for DD's college. . . .

Okay, I STILL feel that the father is choosing not to help pay for his daughter'S education for a very wrong reason, but this line in the OP indicates that the step father has been in teh picture for about a decade-- people keep talking about the guy being a new stepfather--what did I miss?

 

[kamik86]

I would assume it's not the case at larger/public universities (because there is a more diverse student population), but many of the smaller, private schools have an expectation that all entering freshman will be teenagers directly from high school and that their parents should support them throughout college. They also don't want people switching status just to get more financial aid and many schools also have several policies to discourage parenting students from attending (must live on campus, no childcare, no maternity leave, etc.)

I went to a larger but private school and didn't see too much of this. Yes they did assume most students were coming right out of high school (which was true) but didn't have really bad policies. Actually some were helpful. Schools estimate costs a student has both living on and off campus. My school estimated the same amount either way (as long as not living with parents) this was helpful because it cost MUCH less to live off campus.

The fee for a dorm room (with a roommate) was the same as the studio apartment I got in town, but my studio main room was bigger and the apartment had a kitchen and bathroom. (if I was really strapped for cash living their with a roommate would have been a great plan)

Using that kitchen and the nearby grocery store I could feed myself for MUCH less then the cost for the campus dining plan.

 

[havaneselover]

Okay, I STILL feel that the father is choosing not to help pay for his daughter'S education for a very wrong reason, but this line in the OP indicates that the step father has been in teh picture for about a decade-- people keep talking about the guy being a new stepfather--what did I miss?

That's where I'm lost too. And that somehow a woman (or man) is selfish to remarry if it affects financial aid.

 

[tzolkin]

Well, many (most?) public institutions have a different mindset in this area. They aren't looking to exclude. They generally have a philosophy of inclusiveness, opportunity.
Shaming expectant mothers really isn't their deal. Keeping them in school (if possible) is.

This is a much better mindset.

I was simply sharing my experiences (both personally and professionally) that there are some extra obstacles of which most people are not aware. Having a baby doesn't automatically make you independent, give you financial advantages, and give you "free money" for college.

As a side note on keeping people in school-- my high school district only allowed one week for a vaginal delivery. Where do you find childcare for a one week old infant? They are banking on the fact that you can't, so you will be forced to drop out or you will be expelled for unexcused absences. There is nothing like FMLA for students. It's supposed to be covered under Title IX, but all the research shows that most schools still have policies that are intended to exclude and drive out parenting students.

 

[Disney Doll]

I paid my own way through college too, so I'm not saying any parent is obligated to pay a child's college expenses. I am saying it is outrageous and despicable to say that you are not going to pay for it because your ex wife has remarried a "wealthy" man and it is now HIS RESPONSIBILITY to pay for YOUR CHILD'S college education. WTH? What sort of twisted logic is that? The stepfather has NO responsibility for the girl.

That tells me just how important the daughter is to the father. Not very. He is so bitter over money that he is willing to essentially sell off his daughter. Heck, he's giving her away. What a guy. Pass her off to stepdad the first chance you get. If my father had been jerk enough to say, "It's her stepfather's turn to support her and put her through college," I think I would have known where I stood with dear old dad.

I agree with this.
When parents divorce each other, they shouldn't divorce their children.
And yet so often I hear this similar scenario....child turns 18, non-custodial parent says "you're not my problem any more". How many 18 year olds are truly ready to be self-supporting? Yes, there are a few who will cope and strugglem scrape by, whatever. But realistically, most 18 year olds are not prepared to manage their own life at that age. They still need parental advice and support, to a certain extent.

When I read these kinds of threads, I am so very grateful for my parents and their loving support on all levels. Dad l,ives with me now since Mom passed, and there is nothing I owuldn't do for him because there is nothing he wouldn't do for me...

Had my father ever given me the impression that I was no longer "his problem" when I turned 18, I'd feel very differently.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Okay, I STILL feel that the father is choosing not to help pay for his daughter'S education for a very wrong reason, but this line in the OP indicates that the step father has been in teh picture for about a decade-- people keep talking about the guy being a new stepfather--what did I miss?

You got it right. The ex wife remarried shortly after the divorce and has been married for at least 8 years.

 

[tzolkin]

I went to a larger but private school and didn't see too much of this. Yes they did assume most students were coming right out of high school (which was true) but didn't have really bad policies. Actually some were helpful. Schools estimate costs a student has both living on and off campus. My school estimated the same amount either way (as long as not living with parents) this was helpful because it cost MUCH less to live off campus.

The fee for a dorm room (with a roommate) was the same as the studio apartment I got in town, but my studio main room was bigger and the apartment had a kitchen and bathroom. (if I was really strapped for cash living their with a roommate would have been a great plan)

Using that kitchen and the nearby grocery store I could feed myself for MUCH less then the cost for the campus dining plan.

I was specifically referring to policies that would affect parenting students. Ex. Requiring all students to live on campus, but they do not allow infants/children in the dorms. Certainly not all schools have these policies, but some do and are very resistant to making any exceptions.

 

[NHdisneylover]

You got it right. The ex wife remarried shortly after the divorce and has been married for at least 8 years.

thanks--I am glad I'm not misreading it

I simply cannot fathom all the posters saying the step father, who appears to have been living as her stepfather since the girl was about 10 and in the household which has primary custody should not feel at all obligated to support her education and that she is "not his child" but that the father who does not have custody should pay 50% regardless of how his finances compare to the situation on the household who which has raised her.
(again--before people throw flames, choosing not to help her because you are pissed at your ex about having had to support your child as a minor is wrong--but saying a step parent who clearly was a major person in a child'S household from such an early age has no obligation to treat that child as his? Yeah, I don't get that, sorry folks)

 

[tzolkin]

thanks--I am glad I'm not misreading it

I simply cannot fathom all the posters saying the step father, who appears to have been living as her stepfather since the girl was about 10 and in the household which has primary custody should not feel at all obligated to support her education and that she is "not his child" but that the father who does not have custody should pay 50% regardless of how his finances compare to the situation on the household who which has raised her.
(again--before people throw flames, choosing not to help her because you are pissed at your ex about having had to support your child as a minor is wrong--but saying a step parent who clearly was a major person in a child'S household from such an early age has no obligation to treat that child as his? Yeah, I don't get that, sorry folks)

I agree.

All I can figure is that those posters assumed that the mother just remarried.

In that case, perhaps the step-father wouldn't feel a responsibility to fund the new step-child's education. And the mother should have considered the financial consequences that marrying this wealthy person would have on her and her ex-husband's ability to afford their child's college education before making her decision.

 

[jrmasm]

thanks--I am glad I'm not misreading it

I simply cannot fathom all the posters saying the step father, who appears to have been living as her stepfather since the girl was about 10 and in the household which has primary custody should not feel at all obligated to support her education and that she is "not his child" but that the father who does not have custody should pay 50% regardless of how his finances compare to the situation on the household who which has raised her.
(again--before people throw flames, choosing not to help her because you are pissed at your ex about having had to support your child as a minor is wrong--but saying a step parent who clearly was a major person in a child'S household from such an early age has no obligation to treat that child as his? Yeah, I don't get that, sorry folks)

I think the best way I can describe my feelings is to say the step parent is a bonus parent. I think that the step parent should absolutely treat the child as his/her own but not in a way that lessens the responsibility of either biological parent. Extra love, extra time, extra money but never as a replacement for the biological parent.

And that was probably clear as mud.

 

[Disney Doll]

Right? We can't afford to fund college for our five kids. I'm guessing they would rather have the gift of life than college tuition. We've only been able to save roughly $150,000 total, so they'll get some help, but with in-state tuition, including r/b over $25,000 a year, they have to take out loans. They are not eligible for financial aid (probably would if COL was put into the equation).

Same with caring for parents. Right now, my dad has a live in caregiver. Even owning his home, his yearly expenses will be about $120,00. As much as we would like to keep him at home, we can't. I have to make sure he goes into a home with enough money to keep him in a private pay bed for several years, and hope he can get a Medicaid bed when his money runs out (about $100,000 a year).

But you did assist your kids through theprocess of reviewing finances, financial aide, applying for loans etc, correct?

I don't assume that any parent(s) can afford to necessarily fully fund a college educaiton, but I do think that they should be involved in assisting their 17/18 year child in the process of determing costs, discussing controbutions and applying for loans, completing FAFSA etc.

I don't think a parent should say to th eir 18 year "hey , you're 18 and not my problem anymore. Figure it out".