How do divorced parents split college costs?

[sk!mom]

No flames, but with a child, you had a serious advantage when it comes to grants, that you did not mention. Unless you were making a lot of money, you were not just getting academic scholarships, but having a child allowed you to not have to report your parent's income on the FAFSA and obtain grants. Your child does not have that option unless she also has a child, or can answer "yes" to the few other questions that allow you to leave off parental income. It's not completely accurate to say "I put myself through school" if the government kicked in thousands.

To me, this is the root of this issue. My kids will not get any assistance because of our income, because the government deems it my responsibility to pay for, until they are 24. Refusing to help your kids, or in many cases, refusing to plan, makes you irresponsible at best. Or in the case of the guy in the OP, just a plain jerk.

Very good points! FAFSA assumes a parental contribution and a student's eligibility for aid is decided. If a parent is unwilling or unable to contribute then a student's choices are definitely limited. My DD goes to a state University and has scholarships that pay about 75% of her tuition. However, if we wouldn't/couldn't pay for room and board she wouldn't be able to attend. She wasn't offered enough in loans to cover the rest.

Tuition and fees for a public university have, on average gone up 100% (when adjusted for inflation) from the year DD was born to now (she is a Freshman) -- heck, you can have planned to be able to pay for what college would cost and have been unable to simply because of the insane rise (and the cost for room and board in the dorms has gone up even more at least in teh state DH and I went to school and DD is now).

This means two things: it is harder for students to do it all themselves, but also it is harder for parents to support 100% --- a happy medium can be a good thing, and every family has different circumstances and different goals and different reasons for doing things the way they do; there are lots of "right" ways to go about this.

You explained this so well. DH and I went to college without any parental assistance but the cost has skyrocketed since then. When we went, it was possible to work all summer and save the year's tuition. We could work part time during the year and cover room and board.

 

[tvguy]

What is your suggestion for parents who do not have the financial means supposed to do in your scenario? Are they not real parents simply because they have been unable to save enough money to fully pay for their child's education?

That was what I was getting it in the other part of my post that you did not quote.

Parents are all different ages and income levels. The cost of college is not within everyone's reach. Certainly some could discuss it before having children and save enough over the years (like you mention), but for others that is just not possible regardless of how much they would like to be able to do so. Your mention of helping elderly parents makes me assume you are older and either 1.) your kids went to college when it was less expensive or 2.) you were older when you had your children and had more years to save. Of course, I may be wrong in assuming your particular situation, but these are factors that some don't think about when considering other people's situations.

If they can't, they can't. But lord knows there are enough financial advisers on TV who examine people's finances when they say they can't afford to save money for (fill in the blank), and the bottom line is...... they choose to spend their money somewhere else, and that is there right.

 

[RedAngie]

For those that have divorce settlements that say X pays 60 %, you pay 40% or whatever... What happens if someone's situation changes and they can't afford to pay.

Ok so my parents were together when I started school I got some help from my parents but my Dad was laid off for 2 years when I was in high school so that cut into what they had saved for me for college substantially. I had scholarships, loans, and grants and made it work.

However lets say my parents were divorced. Dad made more then mom most of the time so it probably would have been 25% to mom, 75% to Dad to pay if this was in the divorce settlement.

Now with everyone together the answer was that I got alot less money. However if they were divorced with this agreement is my Dad just screwed because of financial hardship he can't decrease what he gives the student? Or does this go back to court... however in that case say the student lives with the parent with the financial hardship, could they drastically increase the percentage of the other parent?

I think no matter what someone has a high chance of being screwed.


Here is another one. Married parents if the student decides to start skipping classes, failing classes, can't decide what to major in so keeps changing it and having classes not count to a degree etc they can decide to stop paying. If there is a percentage in the divorce settlement for each parent do you have an 18 year old that can hold their parents hostage no matter what because they have to pay for four years?

If financial situations change, either of the divorced parents can petition the court for a review of the original agreement. It may or may not be granted.

In the case of the goof-off student whose parents are forced to pay for college, I suppose BOTH of them can petition the court to stop the payments.


As for stepparents, my DH doesn't contribute a penny towards my younger DD's college costs, nor do I for his son's. In both cases, neither of us are currently the custodial parent. Older DD graduated before DH and I got married.

 

[tvguy]

It's nice that you can do that. But not everyone can, it doesn't mean they shouldn't have kids. And even if people do discuss these things beforehand, circumstances change. We live in a high cost of living area. Unfortunately salaries haven't gone up at the same rate as our bills. I have less saved than I thought I would at this point in my life. I'll be able to help my kids, but there will be limitations. They'll most likely have to go to a state school or take out loans. I'm not going to struggle during retirement so my kids can go to their dream school.

The options are unlimited. A good college planning website can help. My DD's best friend's parents can't afford to pay her tuition, but cobbled together about $20,000 in financial aid every year.

 

[RedAngie]

Somewhat on topic. This story was originally from the summer, but was repeated in a year-in-review article.

Young woman blows thru a $90,000 college fund her grandparents gave her, spending it partly on clothes, partying, and a European vacation, then blames her parents for not teaching her how to budget. She has no money left to pay her senior year tuition. Calls her father a jerk for not tapping into his retirement fund. Parents are willing to co-sign a loan for her, on the condition she get a part-time job. But a job would be too embarrassing.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/a-college-student-blows-inheritance-bert-show-205833329.html

 

[IndyRnRfan]

In my state it is split among the three people. Dad, mom, and child. 33% of responsibility for each, not sure of the extra 1%. However, if the one parent and child doesn't have a relationship any more, that parent can go to court when that child is 18 and emancipate them. That parent no longer has any responsibility for college.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Okay, I STILL feel that the father is choosing not to help pay for his daughter'S education for a very wrong reason, but this line in the OP indicates that the step father has been in teh picture for about a decade-- people keep talking about the guy being a new stepfather--what did I miss?

I think both parents/households should still pay 50%.

You got it right. The ex wife remarried shortly after the divorce and has been married for at least 8 years.

Is this guy actually RICH though, or is it the father's perception? And would it really kill him to at least kick in what he had already been paying in child support monthly?

 

[suzimar57]

My ex grandiosed how he'd pay ALL of the tuition, as well as a new computer and a car - i'd only have to buy the books....

Reality: he paid NOTHING - i paid half (2 years at NJIT) & ALL the books, related expenses (except for the car)

 

[2Kds2K9]

Before everyone jumps on this guy, the whole story needs to come out. My BIL is recently divorced and got hosed in the process. However, all he wants is to see his boys, ages 15 and 17 and they want nothing to do with him. Not due to his neglect or abuse, but due to the fact that their mother is turning them against their Dad. (They divorced due to different philosophies in raising kids. He's more strict and she's laizze faire) When he texts them, he does not receive a response. When he asks his Ex about it, her comment is she can't make them text him. She won't even encourage them to contact their Dad. No Father's day gift/card/call or Birthday gift/card/call. BUT, once Christmas came around, they wanted to see Dad, for the presents. Also, the oldest wanted Dad to take him out shopping so he could buy Mom a present. The kicker was that the child had no money. So my BIL had to pay for his Ex's Christmas present! And got nothing FROM his son's as she obviously did not see the need.

So, when it comes time to pay for college, unless it's in the divorce decree, I don't see my BIL jumping up to pay for half or any of the tuition.

Therefore, not knowing the whole story, I'm not passing any judgement on the Dad.

 

[mjkacmom]

But you did assist your kids through theprocess of reviewing finances, financial aide, applying for loans etc, correct?

I don't assume that any parent(s) can afford to necessarily fully fund a college educaiton, but I do think that they should be involved in assisting their 17/18 year child in the process of determing costs, discussing controbutions and applying for loans, completing FAFSA etc.

I don't think a parent should say to th eir 18 year "hey , you're 18 and not my problem anymore. Figure it out".

Of course! DH has been a CFP for over 20 years, and actually is a part time adjunct professor with dd19's university. They went through everything together. He doesn't just do things for the kids, he teaches them (when they get jobs, they do their own taxes). We co-signed loans, and pay the monthly interest. Dd has applied to be an RA next year, but there are 20 applicants for every position. DH makes too much for her to get work study. She managed to find a job here at home for the next 3 weeks waitressing

 

[disykat]

My DH and I are doing what our parents did - help to the best of our ability. For us, it means getting them out debt free between their work and ours. For my parents, that meant they paid all of it except what our summer jobs paid for. For DH's, it meant they gave him a small amount each month to help with expenses, a free place to live in the summers, and all the love and support they could give. Obviously not all parents can afford the exact same monetary kind of help. But it's always beyond my understanding when parents simply don't WANT to help.

I consider helping my kids through college to the best of my ability to be a privilege and I'm proud of them - and of us - for doing it.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I simply cannot fathom all the posters saying the step father, who appears to have been living as her stepfather since the girl was about 10 and in the household which has primary custody should not feel at all obligated to support her education and that she is "not his child" but that the father who does not have custody should pay 50% regardless of how his finances compare to the situation on the household who which has raised her.
(again--before people throw flames, choosing not to help her because you are pissed at your ex about having had to support your child as a minor is wrong--but saying a step parent who clearly was a major person in a child'S household from such an early age has no obligation to treat that child as his? Yeah, I don't get that, sorry folks)

To avoid any such problems, I didn't marry the mother of my stepDDs until after they graduated college, although their mom and I were living together for 12 years before marriage. (They were 11 and 14 at the time). Custody was split; I'm estimating stepDDs spent 60% of the time with us. I suppose one could say we lived as a family. But I had no intention of paying a dime toward their college education. DW and her ex filled out all the financial paperwork; I wasn't involved. My income wasn't considered, and I don't know if it should have been. But I didn't exist as far as loans were concerned. I'm not sure how DW and ex arranged things, it was NOMB. I do know that DW's father contributed a large chuck of change.

That said, when they were living with us, I paid the major amount for their food and all of it for the roof over their heads. Probably a fair amount toward their other necessities and wants as well. Plus vacations, movies, etc.

No kids of my own.

 

[GaryDis]

there is no legal obligation after age 18 unless it is in the divorce degree.

That is not entirely true. There was a strange story a few years ago about a divorced couple in NJ. Neither wanted to pay for the DD college because she was a brat, wouldn't follow house rules and eventually moved out. The DD sued them when she found out that in NJ, divorced parents were required to pay for her college, even one that was a private out of state school. I think that is an absurd law but the court forced the parents to pay.

I'm just going to comment on the legal issues. Specifically, 18 as a cutoff edge is just an arbitrary number, chosen by many but not all state legislatures.

Reaching majority is not the same legal concept as being emancipated (severing rights and obligations of parents towards their children). In many states, by law a child becomes emancipated automatically when reaching the age of majority (18 in most, but not all states). But in both NJ and MA, emancipation is determine by facts and circumstances, and is never automatic based on reaching a particular age.

Remember that 18, as the age of majority, is purely a legal convenience. We have other ages, such as 16 for driving or 21 for drinking. There's nothing magic about 18 that says that parents should no longer have to pay for their kids' educations. It's just that many state legislatures chose to pass laws that have that effect. Neither NJ nor MA have such a law, so courts rely on common law history. That includes the long standing principle that parents are obligated to make sure their children get an education, coupled with a modern analysis that concludes that in some circumstances, college is a necessary part of a child's education.

I'm not an attorney, just lucky that MA law helps people avoid one of the more vexing issues concerning taxes and dependents with divorced parents. But please don't assume that 18 is a magic age everywhere. There are still some states where the age of majority is higher.

 

[Baklava]

My husband and I will pay for college. My son's biological father chooses not to help. He's always been a bare minimum kind of guy and at least this time it's only money he's withholding, not love.

 

[Colleen27]

Legally, unless it is stipulated in the divorce agreement there is no obligation. Morally, I think there's more grey area. I know guys who didn't contribute to college because they were just plain annoyed at paying child support, which they perceived as benefiting their ex more than their child, and in most cases I think that's a very selfish choice because with the guys I know the money wasn't a hardship and they were much better off, even after paying support, than their exes were after receiving it. It tends to be worse when the ex has remarried, I think, especially if the first husband doesn't approve of her new spouse of perceived him (rightly or wrongly) as earning more.

I don't expect that my ex will pay a dime towards DS's tuition but frankly I don't hold that against him. He doesn't make much and he's far enough behind on current support that we'll still be getting a weekly check towards the arrears well after current support stops accruing. I've always known that paying for college would fall to DH & I.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Reading this reminded me to underscore the importance of choosing a decent person as a life partner to my kids, although maybe I won't need to & real life lessons might kick in now. I worry so much, even if they don't do it for the right reasons people aren't even embarrassed by how awful they look

My son is 17 and his close friend sent me a panicked text because his dad (an attorney) was ignoring his pleas to help him pay for a college application, got the text at 8:40 New Years Eve. We paid, the man has been negligent for years and my husband wants to shred this horrible excuse for a man who is never around but maybe the absence is for the best. The mother is living in an apartment with 3bedrooms paid for by her BF and says she has no room for the son.

My daughter is 16 and her best friends father left the mom for one of the girls soccer teammates moms who happens to have a huge drinking problem. Now the father lives with gf and my daughters bf is forced to be there if they want to see the father. This guy bought his girlfriends daughter a new car 3 weeks ago but did not do the same for either of his own daughters. I get gaggy when I see either of them

What is wrong with people?

 

[lovin'fl]

Sorry, slightly off topic. A wife is a stay at home mom who has taken care of everything domestically so that the husband could focus on building a successful career. Husband is waiting for last child to graduate high school so he can divorce the wife. Would it be better, financially, for the wife to initiate divorce prior to the last child graduating or will it not matter???

 

[TeresaBelle]

Well let's start with the fact that there is no no requirement that any parent pay for college. Obviously most parents are going to be willing to help in whatever way they can, but not all happily married parents, even those with adequate $$ are willing to pay for college. I have a friend who told her kids 'you figure out how to pay for it, get a loan'. So maybe M would have gone this route even if he had stayed happily married to the DD's mother. And that's their choice (not that I agree with it).

Now, if the divorce/child support agreement says that he has to contribute XYZ to the DDs college expenses, then that's a legal agreement to do so, and he IS obligated to pay whatever was agreed upon at the time of the divorce. If the divorce/child support agreement says that his obligation is done when the child turns 18, 19, graduates from high school or whatever, then he's legally right that he doesn't have to pay. Again, morallly? I would disagree, but not everyone holds the same value on a college education that I do.

Several of my divorced Mom friends aren't so worried about paying for college, they are more concerned with paying this month's rent, and figuring out how to get the child support payments from a dad who works an under the table job to avoid paying what was mandated in their divorce agreement.

Do I know you? lol ExH is $28,000 in arrears, and it just keeps growing. DD's a junior in HS. We know we're looking at student loans, and hopefully scholarships.

 

[NewRVLady]

My son is 17 and his close friend sent me a panicked text because his dad (an attorney) was ignoring his pleas to help him pay for a college application, got the text at 8:40 New Years Eve. We paid, the man has been negligent for years and my husband wants to shred this horrible excuse for a man who is never around but maybe the absence is for the best. The mother is living in an apartment with 3bedrooms paid for by her BF and says she has no room for the son.

?

New Years eve? sounds odd
will you pay for his college too? I sure wouldn't start paying for another kid when I had my own to pay for

 

[okeydokey]

I offered to pay for ACT testing and a college application for my daughter's close friend. She lived with her Dad after her parents divorced and he would not help her sign up for the ACT. She has a good shot of getting some decent financial aid so I was not helping with tuition, but I was happy to help with testing and applications. My kids are very fortunate and have a level of support many of their friends do not have. Nothing odd about it.