How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[Camicar]

the bride can do anything she wants, but I agree that these $50.00 a plate $60,000 weddings are getting out of hand. Everyone tries to out do the next one, then in 18 months the couple are divorced.

Oh please. I got married 25 years ago at a reception cost of approx $900 and we didn't invite kids (and we managed not to get divorced either). We couldn't afford to add kids who -- newsflash -- do NOT want to be there any way. As a bridal consultant, it always cracks me up when parents get so agitated about the "insult" of Jason and Jennifer being "excluded" when Jason and Jennifer do not want to be there anyway or will be obnoxious brats or will get out of hand from sheer boredom. Repeat: The kids don't want to be at a wedding anyway.

We have had the shoe on the other foot and have had dd omitted from an invitation. Not having sitters ourselves, when our dd was not invited to a wedding, we simply did not go or only one of us went. We did not take it personally, get our panties in a wad, or frankly, even think twice about it. Couple doesn't want or can't afford to have kids there -- hey, they are the hosts, they get to choose the guest list. No big deal. It's not like any wedding I'm getting invited to is THE event of the century anyway.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm not mad about the wedding but me and the kids were looking forward to the side trip to the beach. Plus I know weddings are expensive, but when she first brought up the wedding well over a year ago and sent out save the date things. She should have told us then about the no kids.

First, I totally understand not having someone to watch your kids. The only people I would leave my son with if I was going out of town are my family, so if there was a wedding in my side of the family everyone who I would ask to watch him would be going to the wedding. For one evening I would consider a babysitter I already knew, but not for an out of town wedding.

I also agree that it would have been nice if she had verbally mentioned the "no kids" thing at some point during all the wedding talk. It's possible she assumed you knew, though. Maybe she thought you would understand from the "save the date" cards. If she addressed them the way she would address the actual invitations, then she addressed the card only to those who were invited. According to etiquette, if your name is not on the invitation then you are not invited - and it is considered it very rude to include the phrase "no kids". That's because you are always supposed to assume that your guests will follow etiquette, and so they would not even consider bringing anyone to the wedding that isn't listed on the invitation. So if your save the date card listed you and your husband but not your kids, that might have been the bride's way of indicating that kids would not be included. Now if the card was addressed to your entire family then the bride is completely at fault for the confusion.

Either way, I wouldn't go either if I were you, and the bride has no right to be unhappy with you if you don't go!

(And Charade - judging by the ducking smiley in your post I was assuming you were joking. I thought it was funny!)

 

[LivelyLissa]

I have no problem with you not inviting my kids as long as you have no problem with me not coming.

OP, I'd have been irritated too. I hate it when people assume there is a magic fairy in the closet I can pull out to watch my kids. I don't leave my kids with teenagers or strangers. If family isn't available, I don't go.

BTW, I also do not bow to the "if you get an invitation you have to send a gift" crap that's going on now. I've had people I barely know send me invitations just figuring I will not come but will send a gift. If I'm close to you, I'll send a gift. If I think you're hitting me up for one, you can accept a nice card.

 

[Pigeon]

Repeat: The kids don't want to be at a wedding anyway.

Totally untrue in many cases. My kids have been invited to a couple of weddings, were thrilled about it, had a fabulous time at the weddings and behaved beautifully. The most recent wedding was in October and they still rank it as one of their all time favorite events.

That's not to say that there aren't kids who wouldn't want to go or wouldn't misbehave.

 

[kpm76]

Repeat: The kids don't want to be at a wedding anyway.

Hummm, I need to watch my wedding video again because I swear all of the kids at my wedding who never left the dance floor looked like they were having fun. Maybe they are just good actors/actresses I hope as a bridal consultant you are not advising all of your clients to exclude kids; every family and every wedding is different. Our family weddings would not be the same without the kids.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have no problem with you not inviting my kids as long as you have no problem with me not coming.

OP, I'd have been irritated too. I hate it when people assume there is a magic fairy in the closet I can pull out to watch my kids. I don't leave my kids with teenagers or strangers. If family isn't available, I don't go.

BTW, I also do not bow to the "if you get an invitation you have to send a gift" crap that's going on now. I've had people I barely know send me invitations just figuring I will not come but will send a gift. If I'm close to you, I'll send a gift. If I think you're hitting me up for one, you can accept a nice card.

I don't think her cousin thinks she has a magic fairy - although the OP doesn't use sitters, there are many of us that do. Should the cousin have taken those relatives with children off of the guest list, assuming they didn't use babysitters? Even for overnight trips, many of us parents have IL's that will watch the kids - everyone's circumstance is different, and I would be insulted not to get an invitation, because I have children.

 

[hereyago]

Well if bride and groom eventually have kids, no fear, they will be hitting you up for baby shower gifts. because it will be their kid.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Until I read the DIS, I had not heard of kids not going to weddings. (I've also never been to a barbeque reception, but I took that as a joke! )

I am the oldest of 12 cousins, so my kids have been to many weddings. They love them! My oldest is the king of the dance floor, and my DD loves the dresses. She always ends up dancing with a bridesmaid.

I do think the couple can decide for themselves whether to invite kids, and I am hoping they are not offended that the OP can't come. I wouldn't have anyone to watch my kids overnight either!

 

[ndelaware]

If it makes you feel any better ROPFan my wifes cousin got married at the Inn at Pebble Beach Golf Club in Monterey California. We had the week all planned out. Fly into San Francisco, stay a couple of days. Rent a car and drive down the Pacific Coast Hgwy to Monterey. Stay at the Inn. I get to play the golf course I have dreamed about since I was a kid. After the wedding we were heading to Napa to check out wine country.


Then the invitation came. "No Kids". There went all those plans. I still haven't gotten to play Pebble Beach yet. sigh

We understood their reasoning but we had 18 month old twins and my wife and I weren't taken them to California to leave them with a stranger. We sent a card, a gift, and our regrets. We still love seeing them when they come in from LA.

 

[RickinNYC]

DH works all kinds of hours and takes call. What if he gets called out at 3am? Don't think someone would be very happy to get out of bed to watch my kids. Plus there is no one. We use my mom, not sitters.

Like I stated before and I'm not trying to be rude but why can't people comprehend when people say there is no one to watch the kids. We are not that close to any neighbors or friends the age it would take to watch the kids. I have one cousin who's 17 and she would be at the wedding, because by children the bride means anyone under 13, I have confirmed it since I wrote this post.

Not sure why the irritation? It's completely clear you have absolutely no options available to you with respect to babysitters. You can't go to the wedding. Simple as that. When you finally do receive a formal written invitation, simply RSVP with regrets and send them a card and a gift.

 

[HamTown]

This thread has made me paranoid about the family wedding we've been invited to this summer. It's a 16 hour drive away and we're making a "road trip" vacation out of it. I guess I need to confirm that our kids are invited!

 

[wall*e2008]

There are a couple options.

1) Do not attend.
2) Take a babysitter with you and invite them on your shore vacation too.
3) Have your DH watch the kids for the weekend. No need for you to still go on the vacation.
4) Have DH bring the kids to you on Saturday and he can go home on Sunday and you go to the shor.
5) Tell off your cousin that she has interferred with your plans.

 

[Scurvy]

This thread has made me paranoid about the family wedding we've been invited to this summer. It's a 16 hour drive away and we're making a "road trip" vacation out of it. I guess I need to confirm that our kids are invited!

If you've already gotten your invitation and the kids are on there, they are definitely invited. If they aren't on there, they're probably not invited. If you haven't gotten the invitation yet it might be a good idea to ask someone who would know if the couple plans to include kids.

 

[donald&daisy]

Wow, this is a nasty thread. Obviously people have different priorities and sometimes there just isn't room to negotiate on either side. Sounds to me like you both have made your decisions i.e. no one to watch kinds, so you can't go and her side--no kiddos at my wedding. I'm sorry you can't go and I'm sure the Bride didn't mean to cause you such trouble. I think it is obvious from this thread that some people have a hard time understanding that others may not be open to leaving their kids with outside the family child care.

 

[wall*e2008]

The best weddings I have attended had kids there. The kids DID want to be there and the older generation really enjoyed the energy they brought to the wedding.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

A few options to consider:

Your DH can take a vacation day and watch the kids
You can start now breaking in a new babysitter ( you sound like you need one)
You can inquire at the reception hall about licensed area sitters


I live in NJ and would be hard pressed to find somewhere to do $50.00 pp. It is closer to 150.00 so I see her point. It is their day to invite who they want. It does seem to me that you are not looking for a solution, just looking to whine and moan.

 

[wall*e2008]

I have always wondered why hall did not give the option of kids meals at a reduced cost. The hall as a minimum and maximum occupancy. If you had the minimum met with adults then why not allow a discounted meal for kids.

 

[tazdev3225]

OP I totally understand what you are talking about. Your cousin has had to be aware of your situation and could have given you a heads up about the no kids policy. My brother got married 2 years ago and I was informed that the only child that was to be invited was my DGS. My kids were all fine with not taking their kids but they did have family that could watch them. I was a little upset when I found out that her side was allowed to bring kids but it was her wedding and her decision. We had a good time anyway. Take the money you save on not going to the wedding and got to the shore and have fun with your kids.
As far as BBQ receptions I have gone to one, down the jersey shore. It was a very weird feeling to be all dressed up and have a reception outdoors in the summer heat. On top of which the food wasn't kept on ice so we were all afraid to eat. The reception was also raided by the ::cop: because they paid the DJ to stay until well after midnight and the neighbors were a tad upset. My aunt couldn't understand why they were getting free music. I was glad I had left.
The brides brother got married 2 years ago at one of those fancy $100+ per person weddings. He is still in debt and was divorced in 6 months.
My DS is getting married this summer and it will be a small wedding as that is all they can afford and we are all chipping in food wise to help the way weddings used to be before the absurdity started. The reception is going to be in my DD's backyard. And KIDS will be invited.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I have always wondered why hall did not give the option of kids meals at a reduced cost. The hall as a minimum and maximum occupancy. If you had the minimum met with adults then why not allow a discounted meal for kids.

A lot of halls do. However it is usually half price. Sounds great right? Not really when you pay $125 a person for adults and then you have to pay $75 a child for chicken fingers.

 

[wall*e2008]

A lot of halls do. However it is usually half price. Sounds great right? Not really when you pay $125 a person for adults and then you have to pay $75 a child for chicken fingers.

See the $125 is just as out of line as the $62.50 would be. I guess the bride and groom feel they will get just as much of a cash gift for the $250 as they get for the $250 + kids.