How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[mvazul]

I have a cousin who did that in 2002. We lived in North Carolina. They were in Pennsylvania. My entire family was in Pennsylvania. We were home for Easter that year and they were so excited about us coming to the wedding. No mention at all of no kids. In our family, kids are always at a wedding. Then we got their invitation. No kids allowed.

I called my grandmother to see if I could get clarification. She said to just bring our daughter (who was 5 months old at the time of the wedding). I told her I couldn't just bring her without their permission. I called my cousin to see if it would be okay to bring our daughter (my then 7 year old son was going to be with his dad). My cousin's bride answered the phone. She said absolutely no kids, because they had to pay $12/person for food. That was the only reason. I told her my baby was only 5 months old, so wouldn't need a plate - or a chair for that matter. No exceptions.

Since my entire family was going to be at the wedding, I had no one to watch our daughter. So, my husband said, "Let's go to Walt Disney World!" And we did. It was my very first trip to Florida. We went to the Magic Kingdom, Kennedy Space Center and both Universal parks. It was a great trip. And by the sounds of things, we didn't miss much.

My cousin's brother came in from Colorado to be in the wedding. He had four kids of his own. They were not allowed, either. I was told once this cousin found out we weren't allowed to bring our baby, he pushed the groom (his brother - my cousin) in the pool! My cousin, the groom, got a kick out of it, because it was extremely hot. Apparently, they lost all electricity due to a black out, so there was no music.

This couple is no longer married. My cousin is now with someone else and they have two year old twin girls!!

Michelle

 

[mvazul]

I understand the no kids policy, but the cousin and her mother could have mentioned the no kids policy. I totally agree with the OP. I think is rude to exclude children and not make options available for out of town guests. At our wedding (only 100 ppl) we even supplied info about taxi service so we wouldn't have to worry about DUIs. I don't understand why wedding have become such "affairs" - when I throw a party I think of my guests first and myself last. Shouldn't a wedding be similar? If you want people to attend make it easy - think of their needs too?

I completely agree with you. For our wedding, we had people coming in from everywhere. Kids were certainly invited, but the party was going to go on into the wee hours. We hired a babysitter to stay in our room in the hotel where we had our reception. That way, anyone who had tired kids, but wanted to stick around were able to. I cna't tell you how many people thanked us for that. It was well worth the money to be able to spend time with my guests and not have them worry about their kids.

Michelle

 

[mill4023]

I've been to weddings in Oregon, California, Missouri, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.
In every case, kids have been welcome.
I just can't comprehend why someone would not want to share this event will all their friends and family, including the children. I think it's a beautiful thing for kids to witness a wedding.

But I guess if the bride and groom don't feel that way, it's their choice. But I think that making this choice known to everyone is just a matter of common courtesy.

My girls at my cousin's Pennsylvania wedding this past summer:

 

[lil mermaid]

I grew up in New England, and now live in Texas. I have also lived on the West Coast.

I have been to weddings in ALL these areas, as well as some in the Midwest (Iowa, Nebraska) where my Mom's family lives. Some weddings have been with kids, some not. People just like to have different kinds of weddings, and I don't see the harm in that.

OP - you should just call your cousin, find out what the real deal is and make your decision. If you don't have anyone to watch your kids, then just don't go.

 

[mjkacmom]

I live in NJ, and have never seen kids at weddings. Why can't they stay home with DH, and just get a sitter for them while he's working?

 

[AftertheSunset]

Take the kids and go on a nice trip to the beach and use the money you would have spent going to the wedding on the beach trip. I find it very easy to say "sorry, can't come if no kids are invited".

I agree!

If you have no sitter, you have no sitter. I have never let a stranger watch my kids and there's nothing wrong with that. A little caution nowadays goes a long way when it comes to kids.

If it were me, I would just tell her that if the kids aren't welcome, you won't be attending.

I would make it a fun weekend with just you and the kids and go to the beach. Have a great time!

 

[luvmy3]

I'm in NY and every wedding I have been to here in the NorthEast (including New England) has had kids invited, even my own. I understand some couples choose to not have any kids at theirs but I don't believe it has anything to do with the region you live in,or how much you value family.

OP I would contact the cousin personally to see what is what. She may not have mentioned it to you because your kids may be allowed to come due to your circumstance. Until you here it directly from her I wouldn't get too upset over it. If it turns out kids are not invited, and you cannot find anyone to watch your kids, then just don't go.

When she sent out the save the dates she may not have decided about the no kids things. maybe after careful thought and budgeting she realized that maybe it was too much to include them, who knows.

 

[KirstenB]

OP, don't sweat this. The bride has made her choice. IMHO, it's a lot like a destination wedding. A certain # of folks won't be able to attend, and hopefully she's aware of that. Just send a gift and your best wishes.

FWIW, we had tons of kids at our wedding and reception.

 

[Dizzy4Disney90210]

Can't you take a babysitter with you? like a high school girl or neighbour? She can stay with the kids at the hotel while you are at the wedding and come to the beach with you.

 

[bumcat]

Lighten up Francis. It was a joke.

I'm in Texas and I wasn't offended but then again most of the weddings I have been to is about kids and bbq. We are very proud of our bbq and kids. Not necessarily in that order.....

 

[singingpixie]

The way I see it, you invite everyone that you would like to have share the day with you to your wedding... it's up to the invited guests to decide whether or not they can make it work with their lives. How would you have felt if she just didn't invite you because she figured you wouldn't be able to get anyone to watch the kids?

 

[Charade]

I grew up in New England, and now live in Texas. I have also lived on the West Coast.

I have been to weddings in ALL these areas, as well as some in the Midwest (Iowa, Nebraska) where my Mom's family lives. Some weddings have been with kids, some not. People just like to have different kinds of weddings, and I don't see the harm in that.

OP - you should just call your cousin, find out what the real deal is and make your decision. If you don't have anyone to watch your kids, then just don't go.

Finally, some sense.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I live in NJ, and have never seen kids at weddings. Why can't they stay home with DH, and just get a sitter for them while he's working?

DH works all kinds of hours and takes call. What if he gets called out at 3am? Don't think someone would be very happy to get out of bed to watch my kids. Plus there is no one. We use my mom, not sitters.

Can't you take a babysitter with you? like a high school girl or neighbour? She can stay with the kids at the hotel while you are at the wedding and come to the beach with you.

Like I stated before and I'm not trying to be rude but why can't people comprehend when people say there is no one to watch the kids. We are not that close to any neighbors or friends the age it would take to watch the kids. I have one cousin who's 17 and she would be at the wedding, because by children the bride means anyone under 13, I have confirmed it since I wrote this post.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

The way I see it, you invite everyone that you would like to have share the day with you to your wedding... it's up to the invited guests to decide whether or not they can make it work with their lives. How would you have felt if she just didn't invite you because she figured you wouldn't be able to get anyone to watch the kids?

Then I wouldn't have to send a gift.

Hey I invited her mom and dad (lived in NJ at the time of my wedding) and let them bring her (the bride) because I knew there wouldn't be anyone to watch her.

Yes, a couple can have any wedding they want. We just won't be sharing in it.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I think that if you are unable to make arrangements for your kids that work for you, you will unfortunately be unable to go to the wedding.

Regardless whether it is a no kids policy because of cost, style of wedding not enough room, etc, it matters not in IMHO. I mean it is what it is, it is their day. Don't be insulated, if it does not work for you/your family it just doesn't.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

We got married on an island in new england, a nine-hour drive from where we and most of our friends live. Many people came up and made a vacation of it, and brought their kids. Our wedding and reception were "no kids", but we hired licensed babysitters to watch children offsite (at a house our friends had rented for the week) during the ceremony and reception. It worked out wonderfully. The babysitters were from an agency and had excellent references. Maybe you could speak to your cousin and see if this type of service is available in her area.

That was nice of you but there is no way on earth I would leave my kids with someone I didn't know. I don't care if they are licensed or not. We are not comfortable with that at all but it is nice that you had people that were. We would have just declined the invitation.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Like I stated before and I'm not trying to be rude but why can't people comprehend when people say there is no one to watch the kids. We are not that close to any neighbors or friends the age it would take to watch the kids. I have one cousin who's 17 and she would be at the wedding, because by children the bride means anyone under 13, I have confirmed it since I wrote this post.

I understand. We are in the same boat.

 

[Pigeon]

I don't understand why people on either side of this issue always get their panties in a wad.

I don't have any problems with the couple having whatever kind of wedding they want.

However, an invitation is an invitation. It is not a command performance. If you don't invite the kids, some people won't come. Get over it. You can still have your lovely day and it will still be all about you. Its just that a few potential guests won't be there. They aren't doing it specifically to hurt your little feelings. It's just the way it works out.

And as for thinking they should have left the kids with relatives or found a babysitter, when you have kids of your own, you can decide those things. You don't get to make those decisions about other people's kids, so go back to stressing out over the bridesmaids' shoes or who to sit next to cranky Uncle Gus.

On the flip side, if you get the invitation, don't be offended if the kids aren't invited. When you throw the party, you get to decide on who is on the guest list.

 

[mjkacmom]

At first the the cousin (brides mom) thought about doing a service, but found out it was too expensive.

Like I said, in my numerous posts, the bride can do anything she wants, but I agree that these $50.00 a plate $60,000 weddings are getting out of hand. Everyone tries to out do the next one, then in 18 months the couple are divorced.

I think its more about the party sometimes then the actual event .

And for the record, yes, I did have kids at my wedding. The bride was a kid at the time of my wedding and was invited, because I understood, what would the parents do with her if all the other family was at the wedding.

Please remember, this is NJ - since it's rare to have children at weddings, she probably didn't realize she needed to give people the heads-up. These weddings aren't getting out of hand - in this area, this is how they've always been. BTW, $50 a plate is a budget weddinig!

 

[ntsammy5]

My daughter's SIL is getting married in October in Manhattan - the kids live in NC - so we've already been tasked to babysit the grand sons (3 of them) for a week in October. Messes up a planned Disney trip, but oh well. We get to baby sit for a week! The boys want us to take them to Disney with us but mom won't let them skip school.

To OP, I hope you can work this out. Good luck