How are we expected to attend an out of town wedding when no kids are invited?

[roliepolieoliefan]

My cousin's daughter is getting married in New Jersey this summer. About a 6 hour drive from us. For over a year now, we've been hearing about this wedding. Oh its going to be great, hope you can come. Its here and here and we're having this and this.

OK so we plan to go. A bunch of family members then plan to do a side vacation to the beach after the wedding. It will be fun. My husband won't be able to get the time off work so a cousin who is by herself was going to drive with me and the kids.

Well this cousin came in for an Aunts funeral last week. She doesn't tell me but tells my mom and other cousin after talking about the wedding , BTW, there will be no kids. Thats fine and good, but then why tell us(meaning me specifically) to come to the wedding in the 1st place? She knows I have no one to watch the kids.

So my mom says well there's an exception for out of town guests? And she goes on to say NO! No kids. My mom says well then I don't think alot of us will be going. She was surprised. My mom asked what should I (meaning me OP ) do with my kids. The cousin talked about some babysitting service that wasn't even where the wedding was. Huh? My mom asked her when her daughter was little would she have left her at someplace like that? She did tell my mom no.

I'm not mad there's no kids, 3 local cousins got married last year and had no kids. But don't be surprised when another cousin and I can't go, and my mom isn't going by herself. Then the cousin tells my mom and another cousin with no kids about the no kid policy, but doesn't have the decency to tell me, who has the kids.

I'm not mad about the wedding but me and the kids were looking forward to the side trip to the beach. Plus I know weddings are expensive, but when she first brought up the wedding well over a year ago and sent out save the date things. She should have told us then about the no kids.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Whether she should or shouldn't have told you directly really isn't the issue now. You know, MANY months in advance, that children are not invited and that there are no exceptions. You have time to make other arrangements - bring a babysitter to stay with your kids in the room, change your plans and leave them at home with their dad while you go JUST for the wedding and reception, forgetting about the beach vacation, find or two relatives who really don't want to go to the wedding (or aren't relatives of the bride/groom) but would enjoy the beach part of the trip and bring them to watch the kids while you adults are at the wedding... or, you're right, just don't go.

 

[AnnaS]

If you have no one at home to leave your kids with (another close family member like mother-in-law, sister-in-law, etc.), and you can't (I would not) - leave them with someone 8 hours for more than a day while your husband is working (since you said he won't be coming) - then I would not worry about attending the wedding. Perhaps your mom can go with another family member, cousin, etc.

Not sure how old your kids are. The only way I would consider them staying with a sitter at the hotel was the age of my children and if there were other kids being watched. If there were a group of kids all in one place for the evening (like a daycare type of atomsphere) - I might consider it.

I never left my children with a stranger - but that's just me.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Whether she should or shouldn't have told you directly really isn't the issue now. You know, MANY months in advance, that children are not invited and that there are no exceptions. You have time to make other arrangements - bring a babysitter to stay with your kids in the room, change your plans and leave them at home with their dad while you go JUST for the wedding and reception, forgetting about the beach vacation, find or two relatives who really don't want to go to the wedding (or aren't relatives of the bride/groom) but would enjoy the beach part of the trip and bring them to watch the kids while you adults are at the wedding... or, you're right, just don't go.

When I say there is no one to watch the kids, I mean there is no one to watch the kids,,,period. Dad works all hours including weekends, so not an option.

Plus the cousin gave us hotel options already. Hello, she could have mentioned the little fact of no kids before I made the hotel reservations. And I'm also glad I could get my deposit back or I would be upset.

Like I said, I can understand not wanting to pay $50.00 a plate, but since we are close and the cousin knew I would have to bring the kids, she should have at least mentioned , no kids. Only reason why she told my mom and the other cousin at the funeral about the no kid policy was because my mom said I planned to come and the other cousin was telling her about the beach trip. Just think it would have been courteous . If she didn't want to tell me she could have emailed me, BTW, can you make other arrangements or have put it on the save the date card.

 

[Tink888]

The first thing I'd do is send a quick and friendly email to your cousin who is getting married to confirm that it's a no kids wedding. You're going by third party info right now and for all you know, your kids might be the exception to the rule.

If your kids are included in the no kids policy, you and your mom could switch off watching the kids at the hotel while one of you attends the wedding and part of the reception depending on how far it is from your hotel. Or you could skip the wedding altogether and still make the beach trip.

 

[onelilspark]

Have you gotten the actual invitation yet? That's usually where the no kids policy is put, not on the save the date card. I mean, technically, she didn't even have to send out save the date cards.
I'm sorry, but it's her wedding, it's her choice on whether or not she wants kids there. If she hasn't sent out the invitations yet, I don't see what the big deal is. It's like if my friend sent me a save the date card, I invited a guest, but later when I got the invitation it didn't read "plus guest." It was my own assumption that I would be offered to bring a guest that would get me in trouble, not the bride and groom.

 

[aprilgail2]

Take the kids and go on a nice trip to the beach and use the money you would have spent going to the wedding on the beach trip. I find it very easy to say "sorry, can't come if no kids are invited".

 

[Charade]

(checking calendar...) It's January. Wedding in summer. Still seems like plenty of time to find someone to watch the kids if you really want to go to the wedding. But if I were the wedding party and was told you couldn't attend for some made up reason (unless you told them it was because of the no kid restriction), I'd be a little upset to find out you were in the next town over at the beach on vacation.

JMHO.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Pick up the phone and call the cousin. Don't do emails if you are close to this cousin.

 

[java]

Aren't most weddings no kids? Perhaps she just didn't get around to telling you? Did the save the date you got have "x Family" or Mr. and Mrs? That would be a clue about no kids.

So you can't go. No big deal. Did you have kids at your wedding?

Plus do you have inlaws that might be able to babysit? How old are your kids? If dh isn't going can't he take over?

And if all that is too much work just check the little Can not attend box on the invitation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Aren't most weddings no kids? Perhaps she just didn't get around to telling you? Did the save the date you got have "x Family" or Mr. and Mrs? That would be a clue about no kids.

No. I thought we have been through this before. You east coasters have $$$ per plate and believe me, I get the no kids thing.

Here in the MidWest, kids go to weddings and receptions.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would call my cousin and ask her. It's not a big deal. Maybe she assumed that you would know that no kids are invited? I too would not leave my kids with a stranger. So I would just decline.

 

[Charade]

No. I thought we have been through this before. You east coasters have $$$ per plate and believe me, I get the no kids thing.

Here in the MidWest, kids go to weddings and receptions.

That's because there's always plenty of food at barbecues.

 

[NMAmy]

Aren't most weddings no kids?

Depends on where you live, I think. I hadn't really heard of no children weddings until I started reading the DIS boards. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where kids weren't invited. I'm not condemning them--it's totally up to the bride & groom and I have no problem with that. It's just not the norm everywhere. And, yes, I had kids at both my weddings--wouldn't have been the same without them.

OP--send your regrets and simply go to the beach vacation, if you want to do that.

 

[PatsGirl]

If you can't (or won't) find a babysitter then I'd guess this wedding isn't all that important to you. There are many, many options for you in this scenario but instead you are making yourself a victim and insinuating that the bride has done something wrong. I am sure she has loads to think about and plan and worrying about babysitters for others probably isn't up there on her list. I understand that you are close to this cousin but it's months before the wedding and invites haven't gone out yet. If there really are no children invited, you'll know that by the invitation and you get to make a choice -- personally, I'd be very offended if my CLOSE cousin chose not to come to my wedding because she lacked a sitter. Are you serious that Dad cannot take a day off months from now for a special occasion (or to stay home with the kids)? Wow. As you can probably see, I'm definately a "no-kids" wedding type of person If there's a will, there's a way

 

[MushyMushy]

I agree with Aprilgail. Pack up the kids and enjoy a nice beach vacation. Send the second cousin a card and pretty gift with an apology that you couldn't find suitable arrangements.

We were in a similar pickle several years ago. Got invited to an out-of-town wedding, but later found out it was no children. Okay, whatever. It was a major hassle making arrangements for the kids, and when we got to the wedding, we found out that the couple had made an exception for another couple. They put us at their table because WE were parents. So our big adult night out was so delightful.

And FTR, that was the only wedding I'd ever been to that was no children. Where I live, weddings are a family affair and we don't mortgage the house to put on a big production.

It's not that I have anything against kids not being invited, but don't be surprised when people can't make other arrangements.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's because there's always plenty of food at barbecues.

Well that is offensive.

No it is because we value family and that includes our children.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

(checking calendar...) It's January. Wedding in summer. Still seems like plenty of time to find someone to watch the kids if you really want to go to the wedding. But if I were the wedding party and was told you couldn't attend for some made up reason (unless you told them it was because of the no kid restriction), I'd be a little upset to find out you were in the next town over at the beach on vacation.

JMHO.

The family who usually watches the kids will be at the wedding. There is no one to watch the kids for a weekend while I run to a wedding 6 hours away, its as simple as that. We use only my mom as a sitter and she would be at the wedding, so no, there is no one I trust with my kids .

My mom told the cousins mom I wouldn't be coming because of the no kid restriction, so thats done. And truthfully don't really care if she's upset. The cousin and her mom knew we planned to attend the wedding and go to the beach after. She knew I made hotel reservations, I know its not required, but since travel is required a little more notice than a month when the invitations are mailed would have been nice.

Its done, we're not going. I just think it would have been common courtesy. My mom was very close to the cousin who's getting married, her mom, growing up. They are the same age and lived next door. I would have thought since for over a year now, after every sentence or included in every email, Can't wait to see you at the wedding. A little tidbit like no kids, would have been nice. The mom is paying for the wedding so she knows for sure no kids. And I realize its the cousins wedding, I even said that in one of my posts. But don't make a big deal about me coming for over a year, then 5 months before say Oh BTW, you can't bring the kids. They know my husbands work and child care situation. Plus dont know about you guys, but even though the wedding is 5 months away planning must be done. We have been putting money away.

If I made the reservations at the beach, I would be losing $250.00 because they have a no refund on deposit policy. We're just not going. No one to watch kids, no other arrangement can be made. Sometimes there is just no other way.....period.

Now we'll have more money for our December WDW trip.

 

[Loverly]

Like I said, I can understand not wanting to pay $50.00 a plate, but since we are close and the cousin knew I would have to bring the kids, she should have at least mentioned , no kids. .

I agree with your frustration-esp after making hotel reservations.

I am still baffled by ya'll in the North and these fancy schmancy $50-plus a plate sit down weddings. No wonder kids are an issue!

Every wedding in the South I've attended are passed heavy appetisers and a buffet.

 

[MushyMushy]

If you can't (or won't) find a babysitter then I'd guess this wedding isn't all that important to you. There are many, many options for you in this scenario but instead you are making yourself a victim and insinuating that the bride has done something wrong. I am sure she has loads to think about and plan and worrying about babysitters for others probably isn't up there on her list. I understand that you are close to this cousin but it's months before the wedding and invites haven't gone out yet. If there really are no children invited, you'll know that by the invitation and you get to make a choice -- personally, I'd be very offended if my CLOSE cousin chose not to come to my wedding because she lacked a sitter. Are you serious that Dad cannot take a day off months from now for a special occasion (or to stay home with the kids)? Wow. As you can probably see, I'm definately a "no-kids" wedding type of person If there's a will, there's a way

It goes both ways. If the cousin is that "CLOSE," then she'd know that the op might have difficult childcare needs.

Again, I'm fine with no kids at weddings. What I'm not fine with is a fuss when the parents can't make it.