Horrible husband's midlife crisis?

[rwdavis2]

Scrape'm off, move on.

 

[amberpi]

He's out.

Just focus on making your own life amazing! Pick up work, go to the gym, take your kid to the park. Good luck, not an easy road, but you'll do great!

 

[mi*vida*loca]

He sounds kind of like my XH. I came to the conclusion he's not meant for relationships and is meant to be a single guy. Seven years later and he's still single "living the life." Being Married with kids isn't for everyone. Sometimes people realize that after they're in too deep. After ten years I figured it out about my XH and left him. Best decision I ever Made. We're friends now and I've accepted him for who he is so there's no hurt feelings anymore.

 

[Wailea]

Thank you all for the replies. I keep telling myself that if it would be happening to a friend, I would be saying the same thing.
I know I should move on from this horrible situation, but why do I feel not strong enough to do it? I'm alone but I'm a grown woman who should be able to handle things without a support system.
We cannot afford 2 therapists right now with my hours recently cut.
His therapist asked to see me. I will go. He is not seeing a psychiatrist, just his family physician who thinks he doesn't need antidepressants this time.
I will, however, consult with an attorney, hopefully find full time employment, and look for housing options.
I deserve better than this!

 

[jodybird511]

There are likely therapy resources for low or now cost (also sliding fee schedule) available in your community. Also, know that if you go to your husband's therapist, the therapist is just that--HIS. The therapist will be in his corner and his advocate. If the therapist is asking you to come in, it is not for therapy for YOU--it is as an adjunct for your husband's therapy. Agree will all of the recommendations of others--consult an attorney, look for housing and FT employment. I would also recommend getting your own bank account ASAP, if you don't already have one--and have your pay check direct-deposited into THAT account. Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This man does not have your best interest in mind--you need to be protecting yourself and your child.

 

[Wailea]

If he agreed to see a therapist, presumably that means there is money to do so. Yet there is not money for you to see a therapist?

Sounds like it would be money well spent IMO.

I agree, I terribly need it. Sadly no, we cannot afford to add another $75 a week for therapy.

 

[morgan98]

Thank you all for the replies. I keep telling myself that if it would be happening to a friend, I would be saying the same thing.
I know I should move on from this horrible situation, but why do I feel not strong enough to do it? I'm alone but I'm a grown woman who should be able to handle things without a support system.
We cannot afford 2 therapists right now with my hours recently cut.
His therapist asked to see me. I will go. He is not seeing a psychiatrist, just his family physician who thinks he doesn't need antidepressants this time.
I will, however, consult with an attorney, hopefully find full time employment, and look for housing options.
I deserve better than this!

As I said before, I went through a very similar scenario. It is hard to face the facts that the person you loved has moved on without you. It is normal to wish for what once was. However, the person you loved would never treat you this way. For me, I wanted what once was to return. Quite frankly, there was too much water under the bridge for that and it was never going to be the same. Plus, right or wrong, I knew I was going to have trust issues and be walking on eggshells if I remained in that situation. I deserved better and I am now better for it.

You can do it too, OP. You need to take it one step at a time.

For me, the turning point was when I proved to myself that he was indeed cheating. He and the relationship he had built outside of the marriage was the problem, not all of the things he was trying to blame me for (not being "in love" with me anymore, I wasn't attractive, wasn't fun enough, etc.)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'd love some insight from people who might have been through something similar with their spouse:

We have been married for 11 years and have a 9 year old child. He's been anxious and depressed for at least 10 years.
He's always been a glass half empty kinda guy, but about a year ago his discontentment with life in general seemed to take a turn for the worse. He decided he wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Since then, he's been hardly ever home, going from his day job to his free gigs, coming back at midnight-2am at least 4 nights a week. He's usually not there on the weekend either. He now drinks (mixed with his prescribed high dose of xanax), smokes, changed his clothes to match the new younger, single, hip friends he parties with. When I tell him that it's not appropriate for a man with a family to do so, he tells me I'm trying to control him. He's constantly on his phone. We just took a trip to Disney, and it was obvious he didn't want to be with us. Sadly, our child noticed too.
I've been single parenting. The worst was 2 months ago when he told me he was no longer in love with me and did not find me attractive anymore, unlike the women he comes across in his new hobby. He now hates his life, his parents, his job, his car... He says he doesn't know what he truly wants when it comes to the family, that he's unhappy.
I know he is depressed and he agreed to see a therapist. Sadly it seems to keep him in a victim mentality. He's been so moody and self absorbed.
I have no family, only one friend, and my job unexpectedly just went from full time to part time, so I am broke as well. My spirit is crushed, and I don't know what to do with the limbo he's left me in. I am having a very hard time coping with the constant heartache with no support system. I cannot afford therapy. The man I love has become a monster. Could it be a phase?

If he is unhappy, does not find you attractive, and is not IN LOVE with you I would do 1 of these 2 things....

1. Kick him to the curb.
2. Move out.

If you are not financially able to do this, I would at the very LEAST see an attorney. Announcing all that garbage to you is HIS round about way telling you that you better Lawyer Up. JMO

I would be worried about him filing for temp. custody of your dd while you pay him child support. (My BIL did this. He is sneaky and vindictive.)

 

[Wailea]

As I said before, I went through a very similar scenario. It is hard to face the facts that the person you loved has moved on without you. It is normal to wish for what once was. However, the person you loved would never treat you this way. For me, I wanted what once was to return. Quite frankly, there was too much water under the bridge for that and it was never going to be the same. Plus, right or wrong, I knew I was going to have trust issues and be walking on eggshells if I remained in that situation. I deserved better and I am now better for it.

You can do it too, OP. You need to take it one step at a time.

For me, the turning point was when I proved to myself that he was indeed cheating. He and the relationship he had built outside of the marriage was the problem, not all of the things he was trying to blame me for (not being "in love" with me anymore, I wasn't attractive, wasn't fun enough, etc.)

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is indeed quite likely he has found someone else. I hate that I'm still holding on to some hope. That we won't have to sell the house and move, that I won't have to share custody and spend some holidays without my kiddo...

 

[dumboiu]

I have shared my story on here before, but let me just tell you he has a girlfriend...I can guarantee it almost 99.9%. That is why he is no longer is love with you, dresses and acts completely differently, etc. Don't let him blame you, his parents, his child or anything else. I have been there, and done that.

Once you come to terms with this, what you need to do will become a little clearer.

Attorney.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I agree, I terribly need it. Sadly no, we cannot afford to add another $75 a week for therapy.

If it's important to you - you will find a way. You need to talk to someone so that you can become that strong woman you most likely are and get out of that marriage. I keep thinking how hard work marriage is but if you have a partner who doesn't love you or want to be with you - it's not hard because his decision is made now you just need to move on and boot his butt to the curb so you can get on with your life!

 

[wgeo]

I agree, I terribly need it. Sadly no, we cannot afford to add another $75 a week for therapy.

Since you asked for advice ... I think at this point you'd benefit a whole lot more from the therapy than he would. It's time that you start focusing on your needs and your children's needs. His needs should come in a distant third. This has turned from a "can he get better situation" to a "I need to put myself in the best possible emotional and physical place to take care of myself and my children".

You need to put yourself first, not him. You need to think of your children before him. You need to see yourself as just as important, no I believe more important than him because you're the one taking care of the kids. Your needs come first period. The money shouldn't go for him and you get the leftovers. Nope, he's already blown through the goodwill phase, at this point it's about you and the kids.

 

[Sadie22]

Therapy and psychotropic drugs can make a big difference for someone who is motivated to get better. Therapy for you and your child could also make a huge difference. All this is covered to some degree by health insurance. I hope for improvement for all of you.

 

[Skywalker]

Well, he's adopted a different life and different priorities, he told you he is not in love with you anymore and doesn't find you attractive...I think the writing is on the wall here. If he has done one kindness it is that he is being honest with you - I have a friend who was completely blindsided when the time came. (As in, it was I love you's and roses right up to the day before.)

I think you are only hesitating because it is hard to uproot from the familiar, there is something comforting in it even when it sucks. But I think the change is coming regardless, you can either have it be on your terms or sit around and wait for it to happen on his terms. This situation is a real disservice to you and to your son. Besides, the way you are describing him as being so disengaged from family life are you even sure you are going to have to be without your son on any holidays?

I also think he will respect you more if you don't put up with this crap. No one loves a doormat.

 

[cabanafrau]

I agree, I terribly need it. Sadly no, we cannot afford to add another $75 a week for therapy.

Okay. You're in a bad spot. You see it. We all hear it. I'm sure you've heard the analogy about a plane crash and putting your mask on first.
I ask again, why should your husband be the one allowed the oxygen mask alone? IMO you tell him that given his announcements, you need to seek counseling and if anybody has to go without it will be him. Why handicap yourself for his sake at a time when you need to be your most strong?

 

[tcufrog]

Start documenting his late nights partying and the other ways he is being a neglectful father. It will be helpful if he fights dirty for custody.

 

[Christine]

T
I know I should move on from this horrible situation, but why do I feel not strong enough to do it? I'm alone but I'm a grown woman who should be able to handle things without a support system.

I don't think any woman EVER feels like she's totally on top of the world when she is faced with this. Change of this sort is one of the hardest things you will EVER have to do. And let me tell you--with every year that you get older, it gets harder to make that move. Honestly, sometimes you see these young marriages that dissolve quickly. It's not so much that they have less vested, but having your youth creates a resiliency and fearlessness that gradually goes away as you age. You don't say your age, but based on what you've posted, you still are relatively young (late 30s I would guess). It will be hard and scary, but as others have said, it's pretty clear this won't get better. And even if he made some promise that it would and he made efforts to go back to what you had, could you really trust it? When will he need a "change" again?

 

[Wailea]

Well, he's adopted a different life and different priorities, he told you he is not in love with you anymore and doesn't find you attractive...I think the writing is on the wall here. If he has done one kindness it is that he is being honest with you - I have a friend who was completely blindsided when the time came. (As in, it was I love you's and roses right up to the day before.)

I think you are only hesitating because it is hard to uproot from the familiar, there is something comforting in it even when it sucks. But I think the change is coming regardless, you can either have it be on your terms or sit around and wait for it to happen on his terms. This situation is a real disservice to you and to your son. Besides, the way you are describing him as being so disengaged from family life are you even sure you are going to have to be without your son on any holidays?

I also think he will respect you more if you don't put up with this crap. No one loves a doormat.

I do feel like a doormat. Those are things I need to hear. I am better than this.

I don't think any woman EVER feels like she's totally on top of the world when she is faced with this. Change of this sort is one of the hardest things you will EVER have to do. And let me tell you--with every year that you get older, it gets harder to make that move. Honestly, sometimes you see these young marriages that dissolve quickly. It's not so much that they have less vested, but having your youth creates a resiliency and fearlessness that gradually goes away as you age. You don't say your age, but based on what you've posted, you still are relatively young (late 30s I would guess). It will be hard and scary, but as others have said, it's pretty clear this won't get better. And even if he made some promise that it would and he made efforts to go back to what you had, could you really trust it? When will he need a "change" again?

I am 41. My first husband cheated on me and indeed in my late 30's I had a quick, easy divorce. This time like you said with age, a child, a house, everything changes. I'm afraid of the unknown. The worse financial hardship. Ruining my child by moving her out of the only home she's ever known. Losing her neighborhood friends. I will more than likely be ok in the end, but boy does it sound incredibly SCARY to go through all this alone. I need to find the mental fortitude.

 

[Nettester]

Being happy or being unhappy is a choice we all make. Your husband is choosing to be miserable. He is the one who needs to figure out what the hell to do with himself. The substance abuse, along with his telling you he is not attracted to you anymore? OK, yes please take the advice here to quietly get your ducks in a row with an attorney and your support system. Then do not wait around for the next crisis. Be proactive. Tell him to go, to go work on what he needs for himself right now at this point in his life. Because you don't want to be with someone who is continually unhappy, unhappy with his life with you, and not knowing what he wants. It's draining. So tell him that YOU are done. You choose to be happy. It will probably annoy him because it seems like he'd be more comfortable if you were miserable too. But too bad because he doesn't get to choose your outlook. Go out now and do something nice for yourself. I'm so glad to see you say you deserve better, you do!

 

[Wailea]

Being happy or being unhappy is a choice we all make. Your husband is choosing to be miserable. He is the one who needs to figure out what the hell to do with himself. The substance abuse, along with his telling you he is not attracted to you anymore? OK, yes please take the advice here to quietly get your ducks in a row with an attorney and your support system. Then do not wait around for the next crisis. Be proactive. Tell him to go, to go work on what he needs for himself right now at this point in his life. Because you don't want to be with someone who is continually unhappy, unhappy with his life with you, and not knowing what he wants. It's draining. So tell him that YOU are done. You choose to be happy. It will probably annoy him because it seems like he'd be more comfortable if you were miserable too. But too bad because he doesn't get to choose your outlook. Go out now and do something nice for yourself. I'm so glad to see you say you deserve better, you do!

Thank you.
I am crying right now. I am truly incredibly grateful that all of you took the time to answer my post, the post of very lonely, hurt mom. This is more support that I've had in many years. Thank you again