Horrible husband's midlife crisis?

[usnuzuloose]

There are resources to get into counseling for very low to free. This is bad situation, and I am not going to give advice because there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers...

 

[Magpie]

I do feel like a doormat. Those are things I need to hear. I am better than this.

I am 41. My first husband cheated on me and indeed in my late 30's I had a quick, easy divorce. This time like you said with age, a child, a house, everything changes. I'm afraid of the unknown. The worse financial hardship. Ruining my child by moving her out of the only home she's ever known. Losing her neighborhood friends. I will more than likely be ok in the end, but boy does it sound incredibly SCARY to go through all this alone. I need to find the mental fortitude.

I moved almost every year, as a child. I emigrated to Canada when I was nine. It wasn't easy, but I am far from "ruined".

I think the lesson you'll be teaching your child about standing up for herself and expecting to be treated respectfully in a relationship are FAR more important than the temporary pain of being uprooted.

Think about what you'd want her to do, if she was a grown woman in the relationship you're in now, and then do that.

 

[Disneylover99]

Thank you.
I am crying right now. I am truly incredibly grateful that all of you took the time to answer my post, the post of very lonely, hurt mom. This is more support that I've had in many years. Thank you again

 

[wilkeliza]

OP for your daughter's sake get your ducks in a row and end this. It doesn't matter if she has neevr lived anywhere else or had other friends or whatever. All she is learning right now is that men can treat you like crap and it is okay to stay as long as they allow you the ability to have a comfortable life. What she should be learning is nobody absolutely nobody not daddy or any man gets to treat you (and thus her) like a door mat.

Also the drinking plus prescription drugs is dangerous. How would you feel if your daughter woke up on day and discovered her daddy OD'd on the 2? Not saying it is that abd now but if he is spiraling it could easily go that way.

 

[adisneyaunt]

I'm so sorry OP!
Ur clearly an articulate, intelligent, caring, devoted and loving mom.
The challenges ur now facing and those that may come in the near future will make you more determined to take care of yourself. continue to show your son, by ur example the strength and courage as you navigate to get to a Better place for you and for him.
Take one day at a time. Start with a consultation with a (recommended) attorney who can guide u with steps to take Right Now to protect yourself and your son.
You cannot help a person that has checked out of a family and marriage. He needs to do that for himself.

Pls Remember...YOU deserve to be treated honestly and with Respect. You are Strong... you ve been carrying the load, holding it together, providing for ur son.
You r in my thoughts..and many more here. I wish you the Very Best!!

 

[sk!mom]

Thank you all for the replies. I keep telling myself that if it would be happening to a friend, I would be saying the same thing.
I know I should move on from this horrible situation, but why do I feel not strong enough to do it? I'm alone but I'm a grown woman who should be able to handle things without a support system.
We cannot afford 2 therapists right now with my hours recently cut.
His therapist asked to see me. I will go. He is not seeing a psychiatrist, just his family physician who thinks he doesn't need antidepressants this time.
I will, however, consult with an attorney, hopefully find full time employment, and look for housing options.
I deserve better than this!

I sent you a pm

 

[Tattylou]

Plenty of attornies out there will do a free half hour consultation. Go talk to one.
Find a low cost or free therapist for yourself- in addition to the obvious therapy and support they can provide, they will also likely know of other resources you may need or want if you decide to separate from him. I am a therapist, most of my clients are only paying a $15-30 copay per session, not $75. There are other options available. His therapist is for him. He might not even be working in therapy on the kind of changes that you think, want, etc. Remember his version and your version of everything may be very different. You need your own therapist. Your child may eventually benefit from therapy too. Imo bad marriages are generally worse for kids emotionally over the long term than divorce is.
Also, this does not sound like he is going through a phase.
Good luck to you.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I agree, I terribly need it. Sadly no, we cannot afford to add another $75 a week for therapy.

You sure about that? How much is he spending on drinking, smoking, new clothes and whatever else?

 

[DisneyFansInNYC]

I just have to say that I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree that you don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you and your kids.

 

[wilkeliza]

OP for a lawyer contact your state bar organization. They usually have a list of free/reduced family lawyers and if not they can at least direct you to a few and what their prices are. To get on those lists that have to have a decent record and be an upstanding lawyer.

 

[Wailea]

Plenty of attornies out there will do a free half hour consultation. Go talk to one.
Find a low cost or free therapist for yourself- in addition to the obvious therapy and support they can provide, they will also likely know of other resources you may need or want if you decide to separate from him. I am a therapist, most of my clients are only paying a $15-30 copay per session, not $75. There are other options available. His therapist is for him. He might not even be working in therapy on the kind of changes that you think, want, etc. Remember his version and your version of everything may be very different. You need your own therapist. Your child may eventually benefit from therapy too. Imo bad marriages are generally worse for kids emotionally over the long term than divorce is.
Also, this does not sound like he is going through a phase.
Good luck to you.

We have no mental health coverage so we have to pay out of pocket. I relieve me I have done some research, locally the range is $60 to $125. I will make some calls and see how low the sliding scale can go. I appreciate your therapist point of view.

 

[bdcp]

There are lawyers who will help you for a discounted rate or even free. I have a friend whose first husband told her he didn't love her anymore (no kids) and turns out he had a girlfriend which we figured out pretty quickly when she found a letter he'd put in his briefcase (mid 90's so no texts). She faxed me a copy . Shes happily remarried to a guy that loves her. First thing that popped in my head when I read op's post was that he has a girlfriend. Men rarely leave for any other reason. If they don't have one, they want one. I've seen it a few times in my 57 years. DH and I have been happily married for 36 years and he'll be the first one to tell you that men who "aren't in love with their wives anymore" are in love with someone else, or think they are.

My neighbor on the other hand, has two kids, one special needs and found out her DH was cheating for years (including while she was pregnant). She filed for divorce as she could never trust him. The PI she hired said he was a narcisisstic self involved person and he found out more in a few weeks than he ever has with anyone else. He was very blatant. Problem is, he won't move out. He offered to go to counseling. She, of course, said no. He just wants the appearance not the reality of having the perfect family. Multiple people know who his current girlfriend is because he has been so blatant. No divorce is ever only completely 100% one sided but some are a lot more lopsided than others.

 

[Disney_traveler]

1)Get a lawyer
2)make sure you have your own source of income
3)make sure you have a place to stay (if necessary)
4)Get a divorce

 

[mjkacmom]

OP, please seek out support, there are SO many women in your situation, and it is incredibly helpful to bond with others. You need to find your tribe. I've had many friends gomthough this, including a dear friend who's husband of 10 years left her for another woman a week before her scheduled c/s (he begged her for another baby to help their marriage). They had a 4 and 2 year old. What turned things around for her was finding women in similar situations, they talked, they traveled, they helped each other. Women need other women.

 

[adelaster]

Hey OP.

I'm really sorry. It's not easy to leave. Especially after ten years together, however mediocre. You've probably done a lot of justifying his behavior and issues within the relationship over time. It's easy to get caught where you are and stay there. Lots of people do.

I have to agree with previous posters and reaffirm that your actions now are setting up your child's perception of marriage. Have the you and your husband attended couple's therapy together? Is he being verbally or emotionally abusive? Is this really new behavior, or has it just reached a climax?

From what you've shared it doesn't sound like he is even getting help from the right source, and it is an undue burden financially. Therapy does take time, but you can usually see progress pretty early on.

As a woman who has had to leave a situation to another- don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't wait to leave until everything is perfect if you need to leave. Keep pursuing the ability to support yourself, but worst comes to worst there's probably a friend, a family member, or a shelter you can stay at until you're able to go solo. Evenwhen you feel completely isolated there is somewhere you can get support.

I understand how emotional and challenging this must be, but it will get better. The only way that can happen is if something changes, and if that change isn't in the form of your relationship improving than it may be in your best interest to head down a different path. Be aware that even if you cannot afford therapy now, it is definitely something to invest in when you can. It's often an instrumental part of the healing and growing process as you work through your experience. Don't be afraid to try more than one type or person until you discover the right fit for you.

I hope you're able to reach peace soon, land a great job with full health insurance benefits, and secure a safe residence where you and your child can move forward, if that is what you choose to do. There's always the possibility that your husband may get better, but once you have tried everything you can to support him and save your marriage, it isn't your responsibility to drown waiting.

I see you live in Florida, it's possible your local library can help guide you to resources. Here are two websites I found on legal aid:

https://portal.hud.gov/hudportal/HUD?src=/states/florida/homeownership/legalaid

https://www.floridabar.org/public/probono/

Depending on the complexity of your finances and property, you may be able to do the paperwork on your own with minimal assistance from an attorney.

At the end of the day, only you know yourself and your marriage. My gut is telling me you wouldn't have shared here if you weren't pretty sure something is very wrong. Sure, people go through rough patches. Marriage is hard. But there's a distinct difference between a behavior pattern and a temporary issue. It sounds like you want more for yourself and your child. If that's the case, don't let fear of the unknown stop you from getting it. The other side is usually much better, as I'm sure many ladies on here could tell you. Hang in there. <3

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Therapy and psychotropic drugs can make a big difference for someone who is motivated to get better. Therapy for you and your child could also make a huge difference. All this is covered to some degree by health insurance. I hope for improvement for all of you.

I will have to speak from the peanut gallery and say that it is to a degree, since I live it. It is not an excuse to cheat and lie though. That is a person's character.

Therapy is VERY hard work for a person that is committed to making changes. Even then it is not a "cure". You have to go in with eyes wide open.

If the gauntlet has been thrown down, OP would be wise to heed the words of her DH and saddle up that attorney. When your spouse is no longer "on your side" you have to make sure you do not get blindsided.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I will have to speak from the peanut gallery and say that it is to a degree, since I live it. It is not an excuse to cheat and lie though. That is a person's character.

Therapy is VERY hard work for a person that is committed to making changes. Even then it is not a "cure". You have to go in with eyes wide open.

If the gauntlet has been thrown down, OP would be wise to heed the words of her DH and saddle up that attorney. When your spouse is no longer "on your side" you have to make sure you do not get blindsided.

The blindsided thing- that's incredibly important in your situation.

Because he's going downhill, OP. He could overdose and die. He could end up disappearing of his own free will. He could find a sugar momma and decide why work when that money goes to your house payments and your kid's stuff. He could get fired- I'm sure his boss has noticed his lack of interest in his job.

So I get that you don't want to lose your house and move your kid and probably lose face. But look at it this way: I'm 99% sure that's the end result if you go down with his ship. That may NOT happen if you're proactive and you get a lawyer and get a divorce. You'll get some kind of settlement, if you do so now while he has something to take. Take care of your kid's future. The status quo is not something you can save at this point!

 

[Mizzoufan]

I'm going to disagree with nearly everyone here. I say fight for your marriage. Go to counseling do everything you can if you want this to work out if not then just walk away. I'm a frim believer in fighting for what you want.

 

[ols386]

Yes op, you DO deserve better. Don't let him drag you down. If it were me, I'd flat out tell him that I wanted a divorce, find a lawyer, and get things going.

Your child may have a difficult time adjusting at first, but in the end she will be fine, as long as she has your love and support.

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this. It isn't easy. ❤

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am so sorry to hear,