Horrible husband's midlife crisis?

[amberpi]

@Wailea - I can only speak for myself, but if you need to post everyday for a while for some support and "you've got this" - I for one will be happy to assure that you will indeed make it - because you will!

 

[Disney Doll]

I have shared my story on here before, but let me just tell you he has a girlfriend...I can guarantee it almost 99.9%. That is why he is no longer is love with you, dresses and acts completely differently, etc. Don't let him blame you, his parents, his child or anything else. I have been there, and done that.

Once you come to terms with this, what you need to do will become a little clearer.

I agree with this. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's s duck.

 

[mummabear]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is indeed quite likely he has found someone else. I hate that I'm still holding on to some hope. That we won't have to sell the house and move, that I won't have to share custody and spend some holidays without my kiddo...

OP, I am so sorry to hear you situation. There aren't words here we can really give that adqueatly cover how crappy this is.

He is treating you like garbage, he has flat out told you he doesn't find you attractive or love you. Even if he came back tomorrow saying actually he does love you-can you really forgive him?
I think we are all assuming he is being unfaithful because the signs are all there.
Finally he is a substance abuser.

As others have said, pack up your stuff-or change the locks.
Get a lawyer, register (or whatever he word is) him as a unfit parent.

Make the moves quickly before he does. At this point it's a game of chess.
Someone who has been resting you like this is only going to worry about looking after himself in the event of a split. Protect yourself, your money and your kid.

I know it will be really hard, I know it sucks to have to break apart the life you have built and start over, I know it sucks that because of him there will be custody issues etc but you can't put your head in the sand. This is happening, if you hesitate you could end up in an even worse situation.

You said you don't have a support network, if you don't mind me asking-where are your parents/siblings? Could you move near them? Or is that not an option (for all the reasons there could be)?

 

[gillep]

OP if you are unable to find a therapist that you can afford, you may want to look into support groups, they are often free, or a nominal fee, and you can meet other people in similar circumstances, gain wisdom from their experiences, and start building a support system. Many groups are also run by therapists or counselors and they may have ideas regarding affordable therapy. I suggest starting at a place like psych central for leads on groups in your area.

 

[mummabear]

I do feel like a doormat. Those are things I need to hear. I am better than this.

I am 41. My first husband cheated on me and indeed in my late 30's I had a quick, easy divorce. This time like you said with age, a child, a house, everything changes. I'm afraid of the unknown. The worse financial hardship. Ruining my child by moving her out of the only home she's ever known. Losing her neighborhood friends. I will more than likely be ok in the end, but boy does it sound incredibly SCARY to go through all this alone. I need to find the mental fortitude.

You are better off on your own than in this situation.
Your daughter will be better off out of the situation. You are not ruining her, she will adapt to moving, a home will be wherever you make it.

 

[focusondisney]

I do feel like a doormat. Those are things I need to hear. I am better than this.

I am 41. My first husband cheated on me and indeed in my late 30's I had a quick, easy divorce. This time like you said with age, a child, a house, everything changes. I'm afraid of the unknown. The worse financial hardship. Ruining my child by moving her out of the only home she's ever known. Losing her neighborhood friends. I will more than likely be ok in the end, but boy does it sound incredibly SCARY to go through all this alone. I need to find the mental fortitude.

What am I missing here?? You are 41, been married to this husband for 11 years but in your late 30's had an easy divorce??

 

[Skywalker]

I'm going to disagree with nearly everyone here. I say fight for your marriage. Go to counseling do everything you can if you want this to work out if not then just walk away. I'm a frim believer in fighting for what you want.

Well...so a man tells you he doesn't love you, doesn't find you attractive compared to other women he knows, has no interest in spending time with your child, drinks and does drugs and...you want to fight for him? lol. Why?

 

[Mizzoufan]

Well...so a man tells you he doesn't love you, doesn't find you attractive compared to other women he knows, has no interest in spending time with your child, drinks and does drugs and...you want to fight for him? lol. Why?

Simple as this I took vows that say for better or worse. I believe that people give up to easily on \ marriage. I believe that this man has many issues to deal with. I don't believe that this marriage is hopeless. To each their own who feel differently.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Simple as this I took vows that say for better or worse. I believe that people give up to easily on \ marriage. I believe that this man has many issues to deal with. I don't believe that this marriage is hopeless. To each their own who feel differently.

I see what you're saying, but it takes two to make a relationship work. The guy has already checked out- of being a husband, dad, possibly an adult in general. You can't force someone to become sober or go to counseling.

The OP can't help her husband. She can only help herself and her kid at this point.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

OP - I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. You don't deserve it. Your child doesn't deserve it. I agree with all of the people here who say that you have to find the strength within to move on. It's not just for you any longer. Your child will learn so much from you here, even if it means moving to a new home, new school, etc. Self-respect is something that it takes many of us decades to learn.

Which reminds me - just because your husband doesn't see you as someone he wants right now, that does NOT mean you're not a wonderful, desirable person. It means that your husband has issues that you can't fix. You are still an amazing person and so is your child. Never, ever forget that.

 

[wilkeliza]

I see what you're saying, but it takes two to make a relationship work. The guy has already checked out- of being a husband, dad, possibly an adult in general. You can't force someone to become sober or go to counseling.

The OP can't help her husband. She can only help herself and her kid at this point.

If I remember correctly that particular poster doesn't agree with divorce even under some extreme situations and has previously given the impression that it is imposible for children to grow up better with divorced parents simply based off of their own experience.

 

[Westcoastwild]

If I remember correctly that particular poster doesn't agree with divorce even under some extreme situations and has previously given the impression that it is imposible for children to grow up better with divorced parents simply based off of their own experience.

Ah. Well, that explains a lot. I have a relative like that...

 

[mummabear]

Simple as this I took vows that say for better or worse. I believe that people give up to easily on \ marriage. I believe that this man has many issues to deal with. I don't believe that this marriage is hopeless. To each their own who feel differently.

Sure many people do give up on marriage easily because they are bored or the grass is greener etc
BUT OP has been trying to work on things for over a year. He has told her he doesn't love her or find her attractive. There is such a thing as flogging a dead horse.

 

[morgan98]

I'm going to disagree with nearly everyone here. I say fight for your marriage. Go to counseling do everything you can if you want this to work out if not then just walk away. I'm a frim believer in fighting for what you want.

Maybe saying I find this post offensive is too strong of a word, but I too took vows for better or worse. I know that I hung in there and tried and the other person did not want to, even with therapy, etc. He had moved on. There comes a point where you can say work on it and fight for what you want, but you cannot force someone to love you or to want to be with you. Trying to stick it out with someone like that is very detrimental to one's well being. It took me several years to "recover" from the betrayal. (many lies, stories, blame, etc).

It sounds like the OP has been trying to keep the family together, get him into counseling etc. but he is not a willing participant.

Should she just let him do whatever the heck he wants while she stands by and lets him emotionally abuse her and ignore their child?

 

[piccolopat]

OP, you continue to say that you have no money for therapy but how much is your husband wasting each week on alcohol, gas, clothes, etc. to support his new lifestyle? I also think it is odd that his family physician is acting as his therapist and deciding what antidepressant medications he needs. Is that doctor even qualified for that? If your medical plan doesn't cover therapy, perhaps you can find a family physician for yourself (and not the same as your husband's) and talk to that person. If you have a university in your area, see if there is someone there (perhaps a professor trained in psychiatry) that can help. Call your local police department or health department and ask if there is a crisis center. Call local churches, even if you don't believe, and ask them for help. You need to do everything in your power to take the next step away from this abusive relationship. You deserve so much better and your child will be psychologically damaged watching this go on and feeling helpless and hopeless if you continue to do nothing. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[bdcp]

For all of you saying "change the locks", that's all well and good, but if he can show he is owner/occupier of the home a quick call to a locksmith can fix that. My neighbor changed her locks and when she was at work her husband called a locksmith who quickly let him in because he could prove that he was the homeowner. He then proceeded to collect gifts given to her by him and others and return/sell them to cover the deep debt he had gotten them into without her knowledge. Like she said, she thought she knew him, but he really showed her who others already thought he was. It sounds like OP's husband has shown her who he is and she does need to protect herself and her child.

OP, contact a women's shelter. They should be able to help you with finding a therapist and legal counsel considering your circumstances.

 

[Wailea]

What am I missing here?? You are 41, been married to this husband for 11 years but in your late 30's had an easy divorce??

It was a typo. Late 20's divorce. Sorry

 

[Wailea]

OP, I am so sorry to hear you situation. There aren't words here we can really give that adqueatly cover how crappy this is.

He is treating you like garbage, he has flat out told you he doesn't find you attractive or love you. Even if he came back tomorrow saying actually he does love you-can you really forgive him?
I think we are all assuming he is being unfaithful because the signs are all there.
Finally he is a substance abuser.

As others have said, pack up your stuff-or change the locks.
Get a lawyer, register (or whatever he word is) him as a unfit parent.

Make the moves quickly before he does. At this point it's a game of chess.
Someone who has been resting you like this is only going to worry about looking after himself in the event of a split. Protect yourself, your money and your kid.

I know it will be really hard, I know it sucks to have to break apart the life you have built and start over, I know it sucks that because of him there will be custody issues etc but you can't put your head in the sand. This is happening, if you hesitate you could end up in an even worse situation.

You said you don't have a support network, if you don't mind me asking-where are your parents/siblings? Could you move near them? Or is that not an option (for all the reasons there could be)?

I lost my mom when I was a teenager and my dad 4 years ago. I have no siblings, 1 grandmother with dementia who doesn't remember me and an aunt, both living abroad.

 

[adisneyaunt]

Op..
Focus on You and your child. Then Do what's best for You and your child.
You Are Strong and it's worth pushing for what you deserve.. daily peace and calm and a respectful life as an Example for your child.
Make Today a priority for you! Go with your gut.. it won't steer you wrong.
...

 

[firecracker725]

What am I missing here?? You are 41, been married to this husband for 11 years but in your late 30's had an easy divorce??

Pretty sure that was a typo and she meant late 20s.