Holiday Vent...UPDATE: Post #31

[ugadog99]

At the risk of being flamed, I really, really, really do NOT like the holidays! If I could skip from the first of November straight to the end of January, I'd be very happy. My family is small and not very close. We rarely see, talk to, or do anything together during the year. Yet, when the holidays roll around, it's time to get together. Why??? If you can't be bothered to see or talk to me for the other 11 months in the year, why bother now?

This year is particularly difficult. Financially, I am just barely able to afford Christmas for my two teen daughters. My father died at the end of October, and my brother and I strapped with his massive bills. My brother and his wife are better off than I am and have two salaries. Today, my sister in law calls and starts asking about Christmas lists. I just wasn't ready to tell her I simply can't do gifts this year. As it is, it's going to be difficult to afford the Thanksgiving meal I am expected to host the DAY AFTER Thanksgiving because it is convenient to THEM.

Yeah, if I could just skip from now to the end of January....


Vent over....

 

[Nolcrest]

Yes, the holiays can certainly be stressful.

 

[happygirl]

I hope things get better for you and your family

 

[hereyago]

I am sorry about your Dad. Holidays are stressful enough. My family is small as well, just DM and DD11, my 1 aunt doesnt live in the same state. My DF passed away 6 years ago and his family well has always been non existant.

This is what you need to do: Tell them no. You and your daughters have a quiet Christmas. You need some quiet and catch your breath as it were.

 

[EthansMom]

I'd just tell SIL, "We'd prefer to not exchange Christmas gifts this year. Please don't get us anything as we will not be getting you anything." If that upsets her, so be it.

For Thanksgiving-that-isn't-on-Thanksgiving, I might consider making something other than the traditional turkey. But, you probably won't be able to do that. Can you revolunteer their house for dinner? Personally, I'd go with, "My house just isn't going to work out. How about if I bring X, Y, and Z (food items that you want to contribute) and we have it at your house?" If they can volunteer you to make it, you should be able to switch it back around on them, IMO.

 

[hucifer]

This is what you need to do: Tell them no. You and your daughters have a quiet Christmas. You need some quiet and catch your breath as it were.

I completely agree. And even if you do spend time with the extended family, they should be more than understanding about you bowing out of the Christmas exchange this year. This holiday isn't about the gifts. It's about the celebration.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I'm going to tell you what I would do, it's not really "advice" but maybe something to think about? If I were in your shoes, and I wasn't close to my brother and his family and never saw them except on Thanksgiving and Christmas I think I would either call him or write him a letter explaining my circumstances.

If you're having financial trouble and will just barely be able to provide Christmas gifts for your daughters, and with having to help pay for your father's bills (although I don't understand why you or your brother would be responsible for them) tell your brother that you just can't do the Thanksgiving dinner, or exchange gifts with them this year. If he doesn't understand, oh well. Like you said, you're not close, so if he gets mad you probably wouldn't care, right?

Your first priority is your daughters, if your brother has kids he should understand that. Even if he doesn't have kids, he should still understand your situation.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Its so none of my business, but you shouldn't have to be paying your dad's bills- they should be coming from the estate. If the estate can't afford them, they shouldn't be paid. I found out the hard way when my dad died, that his creditors pressed me and I had no obligations to them legally.

Anywho....

Tell your family that you can't host t'giving, maybe you guys can meet at a restaurant or they could host and you could bring something? Same for Christmas.

If you can't afford it - financially or emotionally- don't do it. Its perfectly fine not to celebreate holidays especially after a death. If you just don't feel up to it, that's ok. Take care of yourself and your girls.

 

[VillageMama]

If you can't be bothered to see or talk to me for the other 11 months in the year, why bother now?

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been going through a great deal of stress, so it would be perfectly natural for you to want to have a low key holiday season. Go right ahead!

But I see your point that I quoted above a bit differently. To me, the holidays are a chance to see family that we don't get to see all year. Life gets so busy and we're all pulled in a thousand different directions throughout the year.

If it wasn't for the assumed getting-together at the holidays, I might not see the extended family at all.

I hope that you set some boundaries this year that will bring you some joy and peace this holiday season.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I'm going to tell you what I would do, it's not really "advice" but maybe something to think about? If I were in your shoes, and I wasn't close to my brother and his family and never saw them except on Thanksgiving and Christmas I think I would either call him or write him a letter explaining my circumstances.

If you're having financial trouble and will just barely be able to provide Christmas gifts for your daughters, and with having to help pay for your father's bills (although I don't understand why you or your brother would be responsible for them) tell your brother that you just can't do the Thanksgiving dinner, or exchange gifts with them this year. If he doesn't understand, oh well. Like you said, you're not close, so if he gets mad you probably wouldn't care, right?

Your first priority is your daughters, if your brother has kids he should understand that. Even if he doesn't have kids, he should still understand your situation.

I agree.. If they don't understand, they'll get over it eventually - or they won't..

Your first priority is to take care of yourself and your girls..

 

[ugadog99]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Honestly, what I'd really prefer doing is just going to pick up my mom (we're not close, but it is Thanksgiving) on Thursday, preparing a meal, and being done with it. Since my brother, sister in law, and nephews can't be with us on Thursday then I would be fine with just my idea. When she called today to tell me when she would be coming to MY house (yes, THEY make the plans...always have), she asked what she could bring. She offered rolls because "we're having a charity event Thursday night, and I know we'll have some left." She can't cook AT ALL, so she never brings much of anything. UGH....

I understand how some people see the holidays as a time to get together with family you don't see often. My problem is that my brother lives less than an hour from me and the only time we hear from him is when they need something. Truly, we can go months without talking, so who cares about being together for the holidays?

As for the Christmas gift, my brother and his wife know that finances are very tight right now. I've said it to them numerous times, yet she is the one that called today about gifts. I would have thought my mentioning the difficult financial situation would have been enough to stop that conversation. I would be fine with doing some kind of homemade, handcrafted small gifts: hot chocolate mix, Christmas ornaments, no sew fleece blankets, etc. But...she isn't going to go for that. She isn't crafty and can't cook. so....

My dad died and left some fairly large medical bills that must be paid. The funeral bill had to be handled, and even though we kept it very simple, it was still close to $3000. We are just beginning this process, so I'm very unclear as to what happens. We are also just discovering some pretty big debt that he left, too. There is a house and some land, but the house is in complete disrepair and FULL to the brim of JUNK. All of that must be handled before anything can be sold. I suppose that when the property is sold any profit will be split between my brother and me. IF there is anything left, it may go to repay what I'm trying to pay now.

I've never liked the holidays, but this year it is extremely difficult. I know I just have to bite the bullet and tell them we can't do the gifts. I just hate doing that because I feel so guilty about it. However, it just can't be helped.

Please....let it be January....soon!

 

[clovergirl5]

I am sorry about your Dad. Holidays are stressful enough. My family is small as well, just DM and DD11, my 1 aunt doesnt live in the same state. My DF passed away 6 years ago and his family well has always been non existant.

This is what you need to do: Tell them no. You and your daughters have a quiet Christmas. You need some quiet and catch your breath as it were.[/QUOTE]

 

[Pamlur]

How are you responsible for your father's bills? In my experience, it simply doesn't work that way, let the creditors put a lien on his house and fight it out among themselves. If they call you, tell them no; this isn't your debt.

As to SIL, tell her no, too. The more you say it, the easier it gets. I have experience, believe me. If she won't accept no, tell her where the closest grocery store is, and let her order a meal in a box.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

"JUST SAY NO" to gifts. Then force yourself to think about other things. I was forced to give up all gift giving when my husband left. Except for a token gift to each of my sons, that's all the giving I do. People understand.

 

[lovetoscrap]

The holidays are about family and love and sharing. Not about buying things, not about killing yourself to cook and please others that aren't concerned with your feelings.


You probably should have nipped this in the bud as soon as SIl called to tell you the plans SHE made for you. But you can still save this! Call SIL and say "I am so sorry but I just realized that I have other plans for Friday. We will be having Thanksgiving at X time on Thursday. If you can't make it we will miss you. Darn. " When she asks you what your plans are tell her that it is a prior commitment. And then keep repeating that dinner will be X time on Thursday.

And keep it simple. You don't need 12 dishes on the table. You don't need to blow your food budget on one day. Just a few basics-- a meat, and 2 sides. Tell SIL you need her to bring dessert. If she doesn't and just brings rolls then there won't be dessert. Offer some basic (generic!) soda to drink and water, maybe iced tea. No need for expensive beer or wine or other fancy drinks. If SIL doesn't like it, then with any luck she won't come next year!!!

And the next time she brings up Christmas let her know that your total budget for holiday gifts is X ($20!) and you are focusing on the spirit of the season. And again just keep repeating it. I am sorry but my budget is $20. We will be focusing on the spirit of the season. We will be doing homemade gifts this year. If she continues to be a pain about it then you change your tune and say "Unfortunately we will not be able to exchange gifts this year. But we are looking forward to seeing you on X day. (and you pick the day before she has a chance to!) If she insists that she is doing gifts and tell her you would like a donation made to xyz charity.

You have to just be assertive and stand up for yourself and your family. Don't let your family bully you into their plans. And I applaud you for spending the day with your mother despite your reluctance. It is important to your daughters and they will remember holidays with Grandma.



As for your daughters, focus on the gift of time and love. Make them up coupons for spending time together, like a walk or making cookies, a bike ride, family movie night and they pick the movie, cooking lessons with them (you are the teacher), make their favorite meal, board game night, host a sleepover for their friends, whatever you think they would enjoy and you can afford.

 

[momof1princess]

i'm so sorry for the horrible position you've been put in, OP. my family does the same thing-makes me plans and informs me later.
what i fail to understand (and i used to be a legal secretary) is how you and your brother became responsible for your father's medical bills. the funeral, yes, as you initiated that debt, but the medical bills? who told you that you had to pay these? the hospital? if that's the case, they'd say anything to get what they're owed. please consult an attorney or financial adviser about this-there may be some law in your state that makes this legal where you live, but it really just doesn't sound right. we've lost DH's grandmother, my grandfather and an uncle in the past 6 years, and no one in my or DH's family has been responsible for any medical bills. and since you can't seem to get through to your SIL, you might talk to your DB again and let him know you're not in a position to purchase gifts this year. times are hard all over, and honestly, gifts aren't what make Christmas.

 

[kilee]

I'm am sorry you have no holiday spirit this year. I think most everyone has been there at some point.

I am also sorry about your father. I want to add, you have no legal responsibility to pay his medical bills or any other debt besides the funeral expenses. Hopefully that helps to ease your financial strain a little.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. Honestly, what I'd really prefer doing is just going to pick up my mom (we're not close, but it is Thanksgiving) on Thursday, preparing a meal, and being done with it. Since my brother, sister in law, and nephews can't be with us on Thursday then I would be fine with just my idea. When she called today to tell me when she would be coming to MY house (yes, THEY make the plans...always have), she asked what she could bring. She offered rolls because "we're having a charity event Thursday night, and I know we'll have some left." She can't cook AT ALL, so she never brings much of anything. UGH....

You need to add the word "no" to your vocabulary. My ILs come over for Thanskgiving and MIL and SIL can't cook (MIL has health issues and SIL works before the holiday) but they bring wine, store bought shrimp cocktail and crudites. No, rolls are not ok. Just tell her no, you don't feel up to Thanksgiving this year. That's all. You've been through a lot and they should understand.

My dad died and left some fairly large medical bills that must be paid. The funeral bill had to be handled, and even though we kept it very simple, it was still close to $3000. We are just beginning this process, so I'm very unclear as to what happens. We are also just discovering some pretty big debt that he left, too. There is a house and some land, but the house is in complete disrepair and FULL to the brim of JUNK. All of that must be handled before anything can be sold. I suppose that when the property is sold any profit will be split between my brother and me. IF there is anything left, it may go to repay what I'm trying to pay now.

Your dad's bills are NOT your bills, you don't have legal responsibility for them (unless you co-signed his loans, etc). STOP paying them until you consult an attorney well versed in probate. When my parents died we had the same types of phone calls, etc from creditors who didn't care where the money came from, they just wanted money. The ESTATE has to pay the bills, YOU don't. In order to wind things up you'll very likely have to go through probate, creditors (other than the funeral) need to just be told that probate hasn't begun yet, but when it has they will be notified- all creditors are contacted as part of the probate process.

 

[EMom]

Boy, can I empathize with you. I will say that growing up, Thanksgiving was a wonderful family holiday. Then when I was a teenager, my father died within days of Thanksgiving. That certainly put a damper on the happiness associated with the holiday, but eventually things improved. (It was never the same, though.) Then my mother died years later, also within a few days of Thanksgiving. Ever since then, the day is incredibly difficult for me.

Worse yet, my FIL died when DH and I were still in our 20s, and his mother completely abdicated her role as family matriarch and pretty much "crowned" me the new one. The whole family turned to me after that to organize all holiday happenings, since I am the ONLY other woman in the family. Truly, I did not want the job.

On top of all that, my family has an unusually high percentage of deaths in the month of November. We call it the Month of Death. If you make it past November, you're golden for one more year! I count the days until December 1. My brother is at this very moment in a terribly precarious situation with his health and we are just praying he makes it. But with it being November, I almost feel he may be cursed.

Last year, I nearly committed murder on Christmas. As usual, we (DH and I) were expected to handle the bulk of the meal, with the rest of them bringing a few items. That alone is usually a nightmare, since they ask, "What do I need to bring?" and when I tell them, they balk at bringing it and wind up making a huge drama of of bringing a few dishes. (There is one family member who is a dear....) Anyway, last year, DH had surgery a week to 10 days before Christmas and was a mess. He had to sleep sitting up, but couldn't and was sleep deprived. That made me sleep deprived. Well before his surgery, I could foresee the problems......DH would be incapacitated and wouldn't be able to help clean the house, buy groceries, cook, bake, take care of DD, run errands, do Christmas shopping, wrap gifts, or do much at all except take pain medication. That meant 100% of everything would be on ME, plus taking care of DH. There was no way I was cooking a big holiday meal.

We explained that to DH's family and said that because of the circumstances, we wanted to have a meat and cheese tray, some yummy breads, (make sandwiches) a veggie tray, a fruit tray, etc. You know, things with little to no prep or clean up. I did say I would make desserts. They fought us every step of the way. "Can't we do this? What if we tried that? Maybe we could do this?" I was furious. They needed to realize DH was feeling like crap and that it was an inconvenience for us to do ANY entertaining, but instead were whining that there would be no traditional meal. On Dec. 23, I told DH he could give them this message or I would: (He chose to. ) "You tell them we're having trays of meat, cheese, bread, veggies and fruit and that's that. If they want to have something different or if that's not good enough, they can stay home and cook whatever they like for themselves. But I don't want to hear one more word on the subject." I think he gave the message more politely than that, but they did drop the complaining.

Well, MIL died this year and I've had to tell DH I can no longer put up with his obnoxious, condescending brother for the holidays. He and I are like oil and water. He simply cannot make it through a visit without treating the rest of the family like idiots and now that MIL is gone, so is any reason I ever had to keep the peace. I'm done. DH finally told him we (meaning DH, DD and I) want to spend Thanksgiving alone and we'll have lunch with him some time near Thanksgiving.

I don't know what YOU are going to do, but here is what I told DH: Life is too short for us to be miserable for the holidays. We've only got so many years with DD before she is grown and moves away and I don't want every holiday memory I have to be of the "Well, I endured/survived another one" variety. I want, "I enjoyed one." I've spent (wasted) too many years doing that because I knew his mother was getting older and she was the only grandparent DD had left. But she's dead now and the rules have changed.

Your (very immediate) family is having a tough time right now. You do not NEED the extra stress. Yet, just as DH's family seemed oblivious to our stress last year and only added to it, your family is doing the same. Maybe you need to be as blunt as I was. "Look, Dad dying has really hit me hard and on top of that, our finances are tight. We're under a lot of stress and we don't want to add to it. We have decided to skip gifts this year, except for our children. I hope you won't be offended, but this is what we need to do. Please do not buy us any gifts either. This is what we believe is the best thing for our family."

If SIL keeps yakking about gifts, just repeat that you and your DH have decided to skip gift giving and that is what is best for your family. Say it as many times as you have to, but stay on message. Eventually, she'll see that you aren't budging. Either she and your brother respect your position or they do not. And if they don't....Why would you be in the least concerned about what they think? You need to worry about you, your DH and you kids. That's it.

Good luck.

 

[ugadog99]

EMom, you totally get it! October is our month for deaths. My brother and I say from this point forward, October will skipped for our families. We'll go from September 30 to November 1.

I appreciate all the advice about the bills. I'm definitely passing this information along to my brother today. He did contact an attorney last week, but they ended up playing phone tag. Hopefully, he will have a conversation with the attorney early this week or the first of next week. As for the bills, we will let the creditors know. Of course, my father had no will, so all this goes to probate. As of late last week, the death certificate had not arrived, so nothing can progress, yet.

I guess what bothers me about all the bill stuff (besides the obvious money), is that it seems every few days I get another email from my brother. He (well, my sister in law), has created a spreadsheet of all the bills, who has paid, who hasn't, and what is owed by each. Now, prior to my father's death, we never got a phone call, email, or anything. Suddenly, it's constant, but it's all about me owing money. I understand what they are doing and keeping it all organized, but when the finances are as tight as they are for me right now, getting "updates to the spreadsheet" a couple of times a week is just too much.

I have decided that in compromise, I will prepare the Thanksgiving meal, but in a more realistic manner. She can bring her rolls and whatever else she thinks makes Thanksgiving. (As long as it isn't those NASTY garlic mashed potatoes from a box! ) As for Christmas, I'll let her know this week that gift exchange for Christmas is a no for us. Besides, going by the way they usually do things, our "Christmas" isn't going to be until mid January again because they can't "fit" us in.

All this drama is exactly why my girls and I have spent Christmas at Disney for many years now. With all the financial issues this year, I had to give up that trip. I can tell you this, though, NEXT Christmas I'll be at WDW if we have to pitch a tent at the Fort and eat sandwiches and beans.