Holiday gift-giving frustration

[englishteacha]

We have a very large family, and everyone buys for everyone else. (Tried to change that, didn't fly.) I have 7 adult siblings with spouses and kids, and DH has an adult sister with spouse and 2 kids. We moved toward "family" gifts years ago, but even then it's so expensive. We've always been the lowest-income family, so I have often made gifts like breads, cakes, cookies-in-a-jar, etc. It takes time but is affordable. Well, in all these years I have NEVER gotten any feedback from any of my homemade gifts. It's frustrating to spend so much time to not know if your gift was appreciated. One year when we were just married, DH and I gave each family a clock with a small chalkboard and photo frame. We set the clocks, wrote a message on all the chalkboards, and were so excited to give such a nice, thoughtful present. Of the 9 given (we gave one to his dad, too), only one was ever used. The others all were given away or stored somewhere. I'm so frustrated. We're not close with these siblings as they're all a LOT older than we are, so we don't really know what they'd want or need.

I'm frustrated and sad because again we have to have a very frugal Christmas. We're expecting a baby and the doctor's bills are already coming in, as well as we need to make some expensive home repairs before baby arrives, so our Christmas budget is small. I just don't know what to do anymore, and no one in my family will talk about it. "They've" always done it this way. The decision was made when I was just a little girl, and they aren't open to changing anything.

Any advice?

 

[wtrmlnlabs]

No advice but and watching for responses. We have a similar issue, though not nearly as big! My sisters have a much larger income than we do, and they buy for everyone. We finally got a gift exchange going for this year, but one sister just hates it, she wants to buy for everyone anyway... and she will. (Long story, it's mostly her PITA hubby that insists on it, to make him look good, which will never happen.) I mostly resort to gifts like you said, also with no feedback ever on whether or not they liked it. One year was a breakfast basket, pancake mix, banana syrup, and other small things I found to put in. Maybe someone will give us some good ideas!!

 

[bpesch]

I think your idea of homemade goodies is a good one. I think at this point I would ask myself if I spent a lot of money on gifts for anyone, would I get any different non-response as I am now. I doubt it. So make your gifts, try to feel good about it and then let it go. You can't control the responses of other people. You have to realize at some point that it's just not going to happen and be happy with what you can do. It makes life much easier.

 

[McKelly]

What kind of feedback would you like? Do they say thank-you when they receive it? (not trying to sound mean, just wondering if I am not giving enough feedback to gifts I receive?) I guess I would just continue with the homemade gifts. It sounds like a busy Christmas with all of those siblings all together, sentiments might just get lost in the shuffle? Not that it's a good excuse....

 

[SDSorority]

We have a very large family, and everyone buys for everyone else. (Tried to change that, didn't fly.) I have 7 adult siblings with spouses and kids, and DH has an adult sister with spouse and 2 kids. We moved toward "family" gifts years ago, but even then it's so expensive. We've always been the lowest-income family, so I have often made gifts like breads, cakes, cookies-in-a-jar, etc. It takes time but is affordable. Well, in all these years I have NEVER gotten any feedback from any of my homemade gifts. It's frustrating to spend so much time to not know if your gift was appreciated. One year when we were just married, DH and I gave each family a clock with a small chalkboard and photo frame. We set the clocks, wrote a message on all the chalkboards, and were so excited to give such a nice, thoughtful present. Of the 9 given (we gave one to his dad, too), only one was ever used. The others all were given away or stored somewhere. I'm so frustrated. We're not close with these siblings as they're all a LOT older than we are, so we don't really know what they'd want or need.

I'm frustrated and sad because again we have to have a very frugal Christmas. We're expecting a baby and the doctor's bills are already coming in, as well as we need to make some expensive home repairs before baby arrives, so our Christmas budget is small. I just don't know what to do anymore, and no one in my family will talk about it. "They've" always done it this way. The decision was made when I was just a little girl, and they aren't open to changing anything.

Any advice?

We try to do hand-made gifts for those that aren't immediate family (mom/dad/sister/husband/etc.). We can normally put together a cute gift basket with a hand made ornament for very little $$, but it doesn't have to look that way. Check out the DIY thread on the Budget Board- lots of great ideas over there!!

 

[SDSorority]

The first few videos of this playlist are some good ideas

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDB6A7B0A8C07B0D0

 

[englishteacha]

Adding: I don't get a Thank You or anything for any of the gifts I give. We don't open gifts together. We swap presents at a family dinner about a week before Christmas, and then take them home to open on Christmas day. When I give them something edible I tell them so they can open it that day or the next, but all I ever get is, "Oh, ok."

 

[threecrazykids]

Adding: I don't get a Thank You or anything for any of the gifts I give. We don't open gifts together. We swap presents at a family dinner about a week before Christmas, and then take them home to open on Christmas day. When I give them something edible I tell them so they can open it that day or the next, but all I ever get is, "Oh, ok."

I think they are being extremely rude. Their response is that of disappointment or simply a lack of appreciation. I don't know what I'd do...well...yes, I do. I'd tell them that it simply isn't in your budget to buy for everyone anymore. Period. You don't owe anyone an explanation, honestly.

I'd simply state that you try to make heartfelt gifts on the budget you have and if they would prefer you not give them anything you'd be ok with taking them off your Christmas list.

I'm getting down and dirty this year with Christmas...our budget is simply not there for much of anything. If people can't understand that then that is their problem, not yours.

 

[Miffy]

Tell everyone that you can't do gifts this year--you aren't going to give them and you don't expect to get them. You love them just the same, but your budget can't handle anything extra right now. The people who love you will understand. Gifts are voluntary and are given out of love. When I give gifts, I don't expect (or want) to get anything in return. And, frankly, the best gift anyone can give is their love and support.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Give everyone a framed picture of the baby ulta-sound! If they really care about the family, that will be the best gift ever, if not....then it really does not matter at all!!

 

[Darcy03231]

Tell everyone that you can't do gifts this year--you aren't going to give them and you don't expect to get them. You love them just the same, but your budget can't handle anything extra right now. The people who love you will understand. Gifts are voluntary and are given out of love. When I give gifts, I don't expect (or want) to get anything in return. And, frankly, the best gift anyone can give is their love and support.

This. People can't force you to give gifts. We've cut way back over the years and I plan to cut back more this year. We're only giving to our children, my parents, dh's mother, dh's sister, and nieces and nephews under 18 (or who are still in high school) this year.

 

[worm761]

Just don't participate in the gift exchange. Let everyone know now that you will not be participating this year. Period. No explanations needed. No one can force you to participate. You are an adult. They can either accept it or they can be upset about it but they can't change it. Only you can.

I don't explain my finances to anyone. It isn't their business. And when you offer up explanations, you open the door for arguments.

 

[tlbwriter]

Brownies.

 

[mollymar]

Just don't participate in the gift exchange. Let everyone know now that you will not be participating this year. Period. No explanations needed. No one can force you to participate. You are an adult. They can either accept it or they can be upset about it but they can't change it. Only you can.

I don't explain my finances to anyone. It isn't their business. And when you offer up explanations, you open the door for arguments.

I totally agree!

 

[albertamommyof4]

I love the idea about the untrasound picture. Another good one is have someone take a family picture and take it to a walmart or costco and get christmas cards done( the one sided) or a framed picture of kids. I think this is very personal and would mean a lot. It is hard when your gift isn't appreciated but the season is about giving. I also love the homemade gifts it comes straight from the heart. And maybe if they don't appreciate it then stop next year and explain that it is about giving and that it seems that they dont appreciate what you give them and money is tight so can;t afford to buy for everyone just the kids.
also you can make a big deal when you recieve theres by saying lots of thank you s and then christmas morning take it upon yourself to call and be super excited and keep saying thank you, hopefuuly they will get the hint to be polite and start appreciating.

Also what about doing a little cookbook, get a family recipie from everyone and also ask the kids what there favorite recipie is and do up a cookbook for everyone and then maybe do a little basket of kitchen goodies from teh dollar store.

 

[angierae]

I totally agree!

Thirded. If people are offended, that's their problem.

 

[IUTBAM]

Just don't participate in the gift exchange. Let everyone know now that you will not be participating this year. Period. No explanations needed. No one can force you to participate. You are an adult. They can either accept it or they can be upset about it but they can't change it. Only you can.

I don't explain my finances to anyone. It isn't their business. And when you offer up explanations, you open the door for arguments.

THIS! I honestly don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to grow a very strong backbone on this. You're an adult, you don't have the money for all the gifts, you don't feel good about giving them (understandably so, I might add), and the lack of appreciation is appalling (I'm one of those who always writes thank you notes, and make sure my kids do too...they do it on their own now that they are older), so STOP DOING IT. And stop worrying about what they think. NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent. I've been in a similar place with my siblings, so I do understand. Take care.

 

[ilovemk76]

I would just take your budget, divide it by the number of families and then go to Target (or another store) and get each a Target GC.

 

[bethy]

Tell everyone that you can't do gifts this year--you aren't going to give them and you don't expect to get them. You love them just the same, but your budget can't handle anything extra right now. The people who love you will understand. Gifts are voluntary and are given out of love. When I give gifts, I don't expect (or want) to get anything in return. And, frankly, the best gift anyone can give is their love and support.

this is what I would do. Even making homemade gifts costs plenty of money - esp for that many people. Gifts are about GIVING and so if people want to GIVE then that is their perogative. They shouldn't demand or expect anything in return. Most especially if you've given them fair warning well in advance.

 

[crashbb]

I agree with people saying that you don't have to participate in the gift exchange. However, you have to tell people now - before others start their Christmas shopping.

Yes, I know that one shouldn't expect to get a gift just because one gives a gift but, especially at Christmas, if that has been the expectation of years, then one does tend to have that expectation.

Backing of the gift exchange too close to Christmas, give the impression of holding off so that you could get gifts but not give them (I am NOT saying that this is what you'd try to do - just saying that it could look like it).