Help!! Need good advice.................

[tlbwriter]

Personally, I would say something along the lines of, "Oh, we already have many plans with my parents that I really can't change since they're treating us to this vacation. But, if you let us know when you'll be around, perhaps we could get together for dinner one evening." Basically, something vague but polite that lets SIL know that spending time with her is not your priority.

I think that's a nice way to phrase it.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

My MIL asked me not to say anything to my parents. She really like my parents and is very thankful that she was invited. She does not want to make them mad. I told her that is it not her fault and my parents would not be angry with her. If I told my father I think he would blow a fuse!

So when you guys are on the same plane together, sitting in seats right next to eachother.... how is that one supposed to be explained!!!??? Then its just a total coincidence that you are all in the same hotel in Disney with you?? I'm not saying to drop the bomb and tell them to go vacation somewhere else, but just not telling isn't a good option IMO.

 

[churchpilot]

I will come into agreement with you right now that SIL has an ephinany about this vacation and stays home. Filling a square with a Disney Vacation?---who ever heard of such a thing. You don't work in a visit at Disney and then move on. Disney is a destination and experience like no other and she needs a reality check. Take the high road and it will work out. Sounds like the MIL already has a jump on it. Good luck and have fun---just watching your kids react to all things Disney will be enough magic for everyone!!!

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

SharpMomOfTwo-
My SIL lives across the country from me. So they won't be on the same plane

 

[tina_la]

Thank you all for your ideas and support. I like many of the ideas. My MIL sent an email this am to her DIL and stated that she did not think it was a good idea that she make plans on joining us without talking to us first. Basicly she told her not to come. Did it in a nice (I thought it was VERY nice) way. I wonder what my SIL will say in her response..............

I am glad your MIL seems to be trying to take care of this which is great. I will say from the sound of your post that you SIL is the type of person to be offended/ upset no matter what the situation. You can prob phrase it as nicely as possible and she is still going to be upset or pretend she doesn't know what you are talking about. I agree with what a previous poster said, if you have to say anything at all, "My parents have made all the arrangements for thier FAMILY trip and I don't have all the information they have worked out. Let me know what your plans are and we will see when we could meet up with you." I think that sounds pretty clear if it was me. It also gives you the ability to meet them and for how long, maybe a lunch. I am sure it will all work out but be prepared that you may have to be more abrupt.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

tina_la-

I agree with you that any way that we put things will offend her. My MIL put her email in the nicest possible way. My poor MIL feels so horrible about this entire situation. Just had a few glasses of wine with her (she is here visiting us from the east coast) and maybe she is feeling better.

My BIL called tonight. Did not answer- did not know what to say and wanted to prepare a proper (cool headed) answer. He left a message and wanted to "talk about the FL trip". Will call him back tomorrow...

 

[gr8leg8]

She said she wanted to "fill her quota" for seeing us this year and is really not interested in WDW (said this may be the only trip she takes to WDW- ever). .

This just killed me!

How do you nicely tell someone I am not a quota to be filled?

I am a dream of perfection in motion,
disney is my bliss.
If it is not yours, save your money for something that is.

arggggg. . . family.

I wish for you, your family, your parents, and your MIL (who sounds fabu btw) a wonderful trip.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

tina_la-

I agree with you that any way that we put things will offend her. My MIL put her email in the nicest possible way. My poor MIL feels so horrible about this entire situation. Just had a few glasses of wine with her (she is here visiting us from the east coast) and maybe she is feeling better.

My BIL called tonight. Did not answer- did not know what to say and wanted to prepare a proper (cool headed) answer. He left a message and wanted to "talk about the FL trip". Will call him back tomorrow...

You know, I've read through all the responses and think you got some great advice about how to "spin" this. But, honestly, I think just being flat-out honest is the best way to go. In a situation like this, I've never made a policy out of figuring a nice way to point out another adult's bad behavior. If my husband and I were in this position, he would be on the phone with his brother, telling him that this vacation is a gift from your parents and he's sorry, but travel plans do not include them. Certainly it won't be a enjoyable conversation, but isn't that easier than all kinds of fussing and scheming over what to say/do to change the situation?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And BTW - your MIL sounds like a great woman!

 

[leebee]

Your poor MIL!!! If I'm understanding this correctly, your parents planned this trip for themselves and your family, and invited your MIL to go too. Your SIL then invited herself and family along, although they are not included as part of the plans your parents are making; they are piggy-backing on to your parents' family vacation. Thin ice here, and I agree- you are gonna be the bad guy, regardless of who says what. This is the grim reality of WDW- it breaks families apart (yes folks, that's a joke). All kidding aside, people really DO end up with hurt feelings over Disney vacations- happened to me too, with my DSIS, which I won't get into but I will say that we are going to visit them for the 1st time in 2 years this weekend- and they only live 3hrs drive away.

I think someone needs to make sure your SIL (notice no "D" here?) knows that this is not YOUR trip or your MIL's trip to plan. Does she realize you are going because someone invited you to go, that it wasn't/isn't your vacation plan? If friends invited you to dinner, would your SIL tag along or intentionally show up at the same restaurant? That's what she's trying to do, essentially. I agree with PPs who suggest that you tell her that you are travelling with someone else, here is our itinerary, what is yours, perhaps we can have a pool day on xyz (which you already know will be a nonpark day). Make SURE she knows that you are not going to skip out on your parents' plans because SIL wants to visit you while you are on vacation. If she squwaks, tell her sorry, but trying to come visit us while we are on vacation isn't a good idea!! Also, TALK TO YOUR PARENTS!! Don't leave them in the dark. Let them know the pressure you are under, while making it clear that you don't want to change any plans they are making. Tell them your SIL thinks she might be in florida at the same time.

Ah, this is a crummy situation and I'm sorry you are stuck in it. DO let us know what your BIL has to say after you talk with him today. (And don't be surprised if he's angry that yuo are tempting his family to go on a vaca they cannot afford, or are hogging your MIL's time. SIL/BIL sound like an irrational family!)

 

[bellebud]

I really feel bad for you and your mil. It sounds like you have a great relationship with her - how wonderful for both of you (and your dh! I'm sure he loves how well you both get along).

It's probably a little late now, but if it were worded from the very beginning "we were invited along on the parents vacation" - there would be very little room for sil to invite herself (although she sounds like the type that only needs an inch). As soon as she told MIL she was coming, MIL could have said "honey, this is XXX's vacation, I don't even have the details yet, I was just invited as a tag-along. When do you want to go? We'll plan our own trip for next year."

It's great MIL is handling this herself w/ SIL. Don't say a word - hopefully you won't need to. If anything further needs to be said, dh can say to his brother (is that the correct relationship) that he feels uncomfortable inviting other people on his inlaws vacation. Again, you just sit there silently.

Hope it all works out ok for you. Enjoy your trip!

 

[Del]

Your mominlaw sounds wonderful and please let us know what happens--sending good thoughts to you.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

Del-
Thanks for the support. My DH will be home from a business trip tonight and we are going to sit down with him tonight and figure out what to do.

thegrimdwarf-
I agree with you that flat out honesty is the way to go! My MIL pointed out last night that SIL parents and grandparents have taken the entire family on several vacations. I never even thought about just calling her up to say that we made flight reservations and would meet them there for the weekend! I just don't know what she is thinking! Then have her husband call us (that only happens a few times a year- that is how often we talk) and say that he wants to talk about "the FL trip"! They are very smart and educated people- why don't they get it??

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that your MIL is right in handling this. I am a MIL and am fortunate that I have a good relationship with both my DDIL and my DSIL and can see that your family is that way as well. I think that if my DDIL was in the situation that you are in I would take her right out of it and my DS as well, explain to my DD that this is not her trip to plan and that I was simply fortunate enough to be included on my DDILs family vacation. We would then discuss one that she and her family could plan, or not.

I had a Sis IL whose personality was like yours and believe me, there is no winning with one like her. I feel badly for your DMIL, my own was often berated for this horrible woman for treating my children and me with kindness and respect so I understand how difficult this is for her. Try to remember that if it was not this it would be something else she was defending because this woman is jealous of how your MIL feels about you and your family. It has nothing at all to do with the vacation or any other situation she imposes her poison on.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

thegrimdwarf-
I agree with you that flat out honesty is the way to go! My MIL pointed out last night that SIL parents and grandparents have taken the entire family on several vacations. I never even thought about just calling her up to say that we made flight reservations and would meet them there for the weekend! I just don't know what she is thinking! Then have her husband call us (that only happens a few times a year- that is how often we talk) and say that he wants to talk about "the FL trip"! They are very smart and educated people- why don't they get it??

Ah, if only smart + educated = classy, lol. How smoothly the world would turn, if that were the case.

Good luck!

 

[karapp75]

I don't know what to tell you but if you decide to let her come you may want to have already made your ADR's so that you are guaranteed some time alone with the orig group. Since SIL hasn't spoken to you yet I would make the ressies now and play ignorant and say " we'd love to see you but my parents have already made all the ADR's and park plans so you're welcome to come if you don't mind going with the flow"

 

[sk!mom]

I wouldn't do anything at this point since it's just a "maybe I'll check into it" thing. If she eventually gets it planned and is going, then I would let them know what our plans were for the time frame that they would be there so that they could join us if they wanted, and I would try to book a meal or two together if she got it together in time.

When your parents invited MIL they opened the door for other family members, so there's really no way to tell her she's not invited without hurting her feelings. I'm sure to her it seems like a "more the merrier" type trip. But hey, I just went on a successful trip with 21 of my nearest and dearest so what do I know?!

I wouldn't be getting all excited and dramatic know or later.

 

[disykat]

When your parents invited MIL they opened the door for other family members

Seriously?

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

When my parents invited my MIL the invite was not for my DH borther and family. They live across the country and my parents hardly know them.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I am so glad that your MIL feels the same way. It has got to be putting you on the spot, big time.

 

[sk!mom]

Seriously?

Yea- seriously. I said that to SIL, it might seem like others are welcome as the parents invited the MIL so she would be as well.- or- She may think that WDW is a public place and she can go if she wants- hmm wait, it is a public place and she can! Does the OP have to see her or spend time with her- no but that would likely cause the conflict she says she wants to avoid.

Also, the op asked how to avoid WWIII- I would simply tell SIL that this is my parent's trip. If she went anyway then I would see her whenever, if possible but I'm not really concerned with WWIII.

If the OP is, then I doubt saying that, "this is mom and dad's trip- MIL is welcome but you're not"- probably won't keep the peace.

Good Luck- I'm well aware the drama of families.