Help!! Need good advice.................

[thegrimdwarf]

When your parents invited MIL they opened the door for other family members

Seriously? How in the world does that make sense?

So, if I invite my brother and SIL to a lake house for the weekend, then the door should be opened for SIL's Dad to come, also?

Wait - are you the OP's SIL?

 

[bellebud]

OP - I don't think your parents opened the door to your sil by inviting your mil. Your sil is so far removed relationship-wise from your parents, it's simply rude of her to invite herself. She's not *family* with your parents. If she lived close and always saw them at family gatherings, etc, and had a relationship with them, that might be a little different (but still rude). And how about if she really even had a relationship with you guys too? She seems very pushy and clueless. Yes, it's a public place and she can go if she wants to. But you guys don't have to tell her any of your info. I wouldn't even tell her when we're going. I'd keep saying "we haven't settled on the date yet", till you got home from the trip.
Keep remaining silent, let mil and dh handle it, and whatever happens, happens with her. With her personality, she'd end up getting mad over something else at some point, so don't let it ruin your trip. And if dh calls back his bro (which maybe he should), dh should really say "it's not the florida trip, it's my inlaws trip and we were simply invited (and if he wants to be nice, he can then say something like "let's plan our own trip for another time to get together"). With dh explaining that to his bro, and mil explaining it to sil, if they're still inviting themselves, they have a serious problem and I'd just pretty much ignore their calls till you get back (I'm not kidding about that). They live across the country, it's not like you're going to run into them at the grocery store, and it's not like you really speak otherwise. You guys are already being as honest as you can. There's nothing else left to do.

keep us updated.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

DH got back lat from business trip last night. He said he is going to call his brother tonight and take care of the situation. I feel for my MIL. She came out here in vacation to visit her grandchildren and now she has to deal with all of this. She just wanted to have a nice vacation (I am doing my best to see that she has an awsome time!). I hope that all can be solved tonight and that monkey will be off of her back. She has to live out there with them- we don't. I would rather them be angry with us than angry with her.

 

[Del]

Don't worry....i have a good feeling. This is all going to be resolved well.

Del

 

[sk!mom]

Seriously? How in the world does that make sense?

So, if I invite my brother and SIL to a lake house for the weekend, then the door should be opened for SIL's Dad to come, also?

Wait - are you the OP's SIL?

Of course not but it also doesn't mean that only those you invite to your house can go to the Lake for the weekend. I simply meant that the SIL likely doesn't realize that this is an exclusive trip for OP's family only. The inviting of MIL apparently made her think that her family might be welcome for a weekend, as well. If they aren't then by all means let them know that you are spending time with your family only and will not be able to see them. I have to say that seems extreme to me. It's a weekend, you can't see them for a dinner? But if you can't- you can't- it will likely cause hurt feelings although maybe not WWIII. Maybe MIL should keep the plans quiet next time.

Maybe I'm feeling extra generous towards family- A dear and close family member passed away last week and we had the opportunity to spend last weekend with those we hadn't seen in a long time. I'm feeling that life is short and a weekend with maybe a dinner or two wouldn't be an imposition.

Maybe I'm reading the OP's post incorrectly but to me the SIL has simply said that she will check into going down for a weekend during the trip duration. I don't see where she has asked to stay with them, horn in on their vacation, or actually anything more then she'll check into it.

As I said in my first post, if the Op wants to avoid conflict (as she said) then I would leave it alone for now. If SIL makes a decision to go then I would let her know if we planned to see her at all- For a dinner, an afternoon at the pool, whatever.

This is new for me- I usually come down are the hardaxx side of these issues not the softy side.

 

[tina_la]

This is new for me- I usually come down are the hardaxx side of these issues not the softy side.

That part made me smile!

Hope everything goes well tonight! Had a little in law trouble of our own yesterday so I am feeling for you today. Keep us updated!

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Maybe I'm feeling extra generous towards family- A dear and close family member passed away last week and we had the opportunity to spend last weekend with those we hadn't seen in a long time. I'm feeling that life is short and a weekend with maybe a dinner or two wouldn't be an imposition.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I still think it's exceptionally rude of the SIL - she's basically expecting someone else's special travel plans to be altered/expanded to include her family. If she just decided to go to Disney at the same time, fine - but that's not the case - she's looking into going specifically to "fill her quota" - so she obviously expects to be included in the group.

 

[tlbwriter]

Maybe I'm feeling extra generous towards family- A dear and close family member passed away last week and we had the opportunity to spend last weekend with those we hadn't seen in a long time. I'm feeling that life is short and a weekend with maybe a dinner or two wouldn't be an imposition.

I'm sorry for your loss. But it sounds like the SIL in question is neither dear nor close, and would in effect be pulling the OP away from spending time with those who are dear to her. Life's too short for such nonsense.

 

[bellebud]

Life's too short for such nonsense.

I TOTALLY, 100% agree w/ this.

If your dh were close to his bro, he'd want them to come and it would be a whole different story. And there's no reason another trip can't be planned w/ them, you guys and mil. That's more appropriate. And since sil isn't a disney person, it shouldn't be to there anyway. a beach vacation is always a good place for extended family get-togethers. it's not like you're saying 'we're never going to see you again'. you're just not on this vacation. I personally wouldn't want to be in disney for even a dinner w/ anyone who didn't really like disney - I pay way too much for my vacations to have anyone bring me down for even 1 dinner. If you can't be in my disney magic bubble, then don't come and I'll talk to you when I return to earth after vacation. (I'm kidding, but not really )

and sk!mom, I'm very sorry for the loss you and your family just had! That really stinks!!

And that post to sk!mom "are you sil?" (i forgot to multi-quote), had me , but I didn't want to fan the flames. But sk!mom, you seem like you might have even giggled yourself at that one. (and if not, I really don't mean it in a bad way and I apologize).

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

Well, DH called his brother back tonight. It did not go well. I must say that I am very impressed with my DH on how he talked with him. Never raised his voice and never a negative word. I am glad that I did not get on the phone!!! I have been staying out of it- really I have! Anyhow, he told them that it is my parents vacation and they invited us and MIL and that it has always been a dream of my mom's to take us to WDW. DH also stated that it would make his mother uncomfortable and also my parents as they were not invited. My SIL was yelling in the background "we will never, ever go to FL with them". I guess it was followed with many f bombs- nice. SIL holds many grudges against my DH from many years ago when my DH was young and in college. She will never let him grow up. I am sad for her as she has so much anger toward him and has never gotten to know the man that I married 10 years ago. Anyhow- my DH said that it was a public place and if they wanted to come they could but we have plans with my parents. Then it ended. Maybe we will get an email tomorrow. Who knows.............

 

[tina_la]

Sorry it didn't go well but really kinda what I expected from your previous posts . Glad your DH told them exactly what was going on and really the rest is their problem. Tell DH he did great! Can't please all the people all the time...

 

[bellebud]

boy, your sil is something! Glad your dh handled it, and hopefully that's the end of it.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Wow, your SIL sounds like a lunatic, lol. I hope this is the end of it - though I suspect, since she's still grudging over the college years, that she'll hold on to this to her coffin. I can imagine your BIL got his ear chewed off last night, lol.

Oh, well. Hopefully they'll stay far, far away from your Disney fun!

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

Thanks for the support. Had a diffictult time sleeping last night just thinking about it. I just think about the kids and hopw they will never really know each other because SIL can't get over stupid stuff from long ago. People grow up and change. We ALL do stupid stuff in our lives. It is part of growing upd. We live and learn. I just wish there was some way I could fix all of this for my MIL and my kids.

 

[Del]

Your immediate family comes first. I wish you well and much strength.

Del

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

Del-
I agree that immediate family comes first. When we get married don't they say in the church "foresake in all others"? (I have no clue if I wrote that correct) The way that was explained to me way back in Catholic school was that when you are married it is now about your new immediate family. I guess that is what I am to do. On the other hand- I grew up in a family that SIL and BIL were part of the family! My mom has been such a wonderful example of that! Just last night my mom was over visiting with my MIL and my aunt popped over! My aunts treat my mom like a sister and always have. I just always thought that was the way is was. I have a great relationship with my three aunts and am sorry that my DS and DD will miss out on that. My kids love my aunts and uncles - I am glad that they have them! Now if I could only "fix" the problem with the relationship with my SIL. I want to write an email of "goodwill" but my DH does not want me to do it. He wants me to leave it alone. He said last night that he is "done" with them. I just want to fix it for my MIL who has to live in the same state and for my kids.

 

[Nancyg56]

Del-
I agree that immediate family comes first. When we get married don't they say in the church "foresake in all others"? (I have no clue if I wrote that correct) The way that was explained to me way back in Catholic school was that when you are married it is now about your new immediate family. I guess that is what I am to do. On the other hand- I grew up in a family that SIL and BIL were part of the family! My mom has been such a wonderful example of that! Just last night my mom was over visiting with my MIL and my aunt popped over! My aunts treat my mom like a sister and always have. I just always thought that was the way is was. I have a great relationship with my three aunts and am sorry that my DS and DD will miss out on that. My kids love my aunts and uncles - I am glad that they have them! Now if I could only "fix" the problem with the relationship with my SIL. I want to write an email of "goodwill" but my DH does not want me to do it. He wants me to leave it alone. He said last night that he is "done" with them. I just want to fix it for my MIL who has to live in the same state and for my kids.

You have to remember that not everyone was blessed to live like that. When I was young I never even knew that there were "sides" to a family. My Mom and Dad's family lived in the the same city and when we visited we saw them all. When my Dad's brother was ill my Mom's nieces took car of him. I thought every family was like that. Then I married my DH. His childhood was nothing like that. Armed camps between the two families, the kids always stressed and in the middle, and WWIII always close. FOr many in his family I am an outsider and treated like an interloper. My DH finally gave up and told them enough was enough. His own Mother has no idea what a wonderful caring and compassionate man he is, his sister has deprived her two sons of an Uncle who is larger then any hero they could have, and his brother is mostly alone in life. They have missed out on having him in their lives and having my children be uncles and Aunts and role models to their kids and our lovely DGD to spoil as the only little girl in a family of girls.

You cannot change the decisions others make you can only make the best of them.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

! Now if I could only "fix" the problem with the relationship with my SIL. I want to write an email of "goodwill" but my DH does not want me to do it. He wants me to leave it alone. He said last night that he is "done" with them. I just want to fix it for my MIL who has to live in the same state and for my kids.

Your MIL sounds like a smart and capable woman, so I'm sure she'll tell SIL to "stick it" (politely....or not, lol), when it's necessary. If I were you, I'd keep my head down and not re-open the discussion by sending a 'no hard feelings' note. Your SIL doesn't sound like she's capable of putting things to rest.

Thanks for the frequent updates, BTW - I find I often get invested in these online discussions, but never know the outcome.

 

[tina_la]

As someone who has inlaw issues your DH is right. Let it lie right now. Even the nicest letter you could possibly right will end up being twisted and not do a bit of good right now. To be honest I doubt her wanting to go to Disney had very little with wanting to go or seeing you. Prob more of a jealous issue of not being invited (not that she should have). At this point the situation and way they are feeling is there fault not yours or your husband's and you have nothing to feel any guilt about. I would spend my time instead of writing a Goodwill letter and spend this time will MIL who sounds really upset and blames herself for the situation. It's over now and it will blow over and if it doesn't you still have a great vacation with YOUR family and MIL.

 

[Disneymooner07]

Kudos to your DH for doing such a good job and sticking up for what's right! If things kept dragging along, I was going to suggest as an alternative that your DH tell them they would have to ask MIL (your mother) for the information and plans if they wanted to come along, because I bet they wouldn't have had the guts to actually do that!!

Anyways, though it doesn't sound like the best resolution to a really unpleasant situation, just be thankful she wasn't dropping f-bombs while on vacation with you and your whole family in WDW, right?!? Because if she is this easily angered and unreasonable, there's no doubt in my mind she would have found some reason to go ballistic in WDW as well!

So don't let it worry you even a second longer! It's been resolved and now you just have a great family vacation to look forward to at the happiest place on earth!