HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[horseshowmom]

oh no, i didn't mean that "they" should be left with the house for a weekend of playing house. i meant that the girl's mother was being made out to be some horrible neglectful parent for leaving HER "child" home alone for the whole weekend. at 17 i think this is fine. but the boyfriend staying over is NOT! she'll be having a baby before she even has a chance to finish high school. hope she at least put the girl on birth control.

I see your point now, and I agree that under normal circumstances a 17 year old should be able to be left alone from time to time (including for a weekend).

Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea to do it on a regular basis (as in every weekend). It sounds like the mother is frequently leaving on weekends which I think would likely lead to problems (and leaving a 12 year old too doesn't help any IMHO).

 

[patsal]

Just to clarify I also don't think her mom is a bad person for leaving a 17 year old home by herself. It is the rest of the situation that prompts me to judge a bit and I freely admitted I was being judgy--which I knew was catty and mean spiritited, but I am feeling a little less than rational right now! I still can't get over the fact that she is letting him stay there, not suggesting he communicate and didn't tell me where he was.

In any event DS stopped home yesterday and took a clean work uniform. He said he picked up more hours to pay his way--so I'm guessing he is paying her to stay there, but I don't know. I reiterated my stance and again wished him luck and reminded him the next time he stops to get stuff he needs to take it all. I didn't show emotion while he was in the house, but once the door closed I doubled over sobbing. I now really know what a broken heart feels like and it is very unpleasant. I was hoping it would get easier each day, but it doesn't.

 

[padams]

Hang in there.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

 

[guilliam]

Patsal- Wish I could tell you it will get better quick, but it probably won't. At least not quickly. My ds19 has acted this way since he was 17. He just moved out to go to college a few months ago and is finally starting to realize how good he had it. He is paying his own bills now.

 

[lewdyan1]

I've been following and my heart breaks for you! Stay strong and know you have a lot of DISer's supporting you!

 

[keenercam]

I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. Just wanted to send you a

 

[DVC Sadie]

Just to clarify I also don't think her mom is a bad person for leaving a 17 year old home by herself. It is the rest of the situation that prompts me to judge a bit and I freely admitted I was being judgy--which I knew was catty and mean spiritited, but I am feeling a little less than rational right now! I still can't get over the fact that she is letting him stay there, not suggesting he communicate and didn't tell me where he was.

In any event DS stopped home yesterday and took a clean work uniform. He said he picked up more hours to pay his way--so I'm guessing he is paying her to stay there, but I don't know. I reiterated my stance and again wished him luck and reminded him the next time he stops to get stuff he needs to take it all. I didn't show emotion while he was in the house, but once the door closed I doubled over sobbing. I now really know what a broken heart feels like and it is very unpleasant. I was hoping it would get easier each day, but it doesn't.

Nope, it just doesn't get easier with each day but it eventually does get easier with more time.

I want you to know that one day believe it or not your DS will probably thank you for making him grow up. It may take awhile but it will happen. Life lessons like you and your dh are trying to teach your son is probably both the hardest and longlasting lesson of them all.

Stay strong and post when needed. Plenty of people here to support you while you go through this.

 

[patsal]

No news today. I did not hear from him at all yesterday. I did check with school to make sure he is there and got a yes.

 

[Rora]

Just wanted to send some good thoughts and hugs your way.

 

[MickeySP]

I have just caught up on this and I feel for you. BTDT with my now 25yo.

The only thing I did different was the "stuff" I told him he was welcome to be an adult anywhere he wanted but my house was my rules - no exceptions. If he decided to leave he could but only with the things he purchased - all the rest of it was mine and stayed in my house.

So if he wanted his PS he could buy it from me, he wanted his DVD/TV etc he could also purchase those from me. Oh and that applied to all the designer clothes and shoes. If he didn't buy it than it stayed.

Guess what he stayed, obeyed the rules, and lived happily ever after - well almost. He is 25, has his own home, a great GF and baby daughter. A little out of order but .........

 

[Disney Doll]

I notified his Guidance Counselor, but I have not heard from him at all. My guess is that GF's mom has him all snug and cozy in her home.

That will get old quick.

 

[Disney Doll]

Now my Mother, AKA the strictest person I know, is telling me that I should be worried, what if he is in a ditch somewhere. I am certain he has been at work everyday , am certain he was at school today and though I wish he would come home I cannot cave on this. I explained to her that I want him to come back home and finish high school before leaving home, but that I cannot have him come and go as he pleases with no respect for me. He is her first grandson (and she always wanted boys, but only had girls) so in her eyes he can do no wrong.

Well then you need to ignore Grandma on this one.
Believe me, if he winds up dead in a ditch, you'll be the first to know. No one wants your problems.

 

[Disney Doll]

Thanks so much for the support. Last night I sent a text to his GF and he answered, he didn't give me much information other than confirming that he is at GF's house. He asked to come pick up a few things--I didn't answer that directly just said he needs to get everything so let me know and make arrangements. He did say it wasn't just the rules but other stuff that he'd talk to me about later but he was tired and wanted to go to sleep--so basically he just dismissed me because I am sure there was no sleeping going on at 9:15 pm!
Anyway that was my olive branch and if he wants anything else he will have to come and ask. I think I am in for a long ride, but I am not comprimising my values. The same rules apply today as last Friday and will continue. If he can handle it then come home, if not I hope he finds what he is looking for.

Stay strong, Mom. You are doing the right thing.

 

[Disney Doll]

Just to clarify I also don't think her mom is a bad person for leaving a 17 year old home by herself. It is the rest of the situation that prompts me to judge a bit and I freely admitted I was being judgy--which I knew was catty and mean spiritited, but I am feeling a little less than rational right now! I still can't get over the fact that she is letting him stay there, not suggesting he communicate and didn't tell me where he was.

In any event DS stopped home yesterday and took a clean work uniform. He said he picked up more hours to pay his way--so I'm guessing he is paying her to stay there, but I don't know. I reiterated my stance and again wished him luck and reminded him the next time he stops to get stuff he needs to take it all. I didn't show emotion while he was in the house, but once the door closed I doubled over sobbing. I now really know what a broken heart feels like and it is very unpleasant. I was hoping it would get easier each day, but it doesn't.

Right now, he has not hit rock bottom because he has somewhere else to be. BUt keep in mind, at 18 & 17, I doubt this is going to be the love of his life, things will change, "Supermom" over there will get tired of having hima round, having another mouth to feed, dealing with yet another annoying teenager, and it will be time to go. Or "Tootsie girl" will find a new squeeze and your son living in the house will be so cramping her style.

Stay strong...it will all work out in the end.

 

[eeyoresmom]

Thanks so much for the support. Last night I sent a text to his GF and he answered, he didn't give me much information other than confirming that he is at GF's house. He asked to come pick up a few things--I didn't answer that directly just said he needs to get everything so let me know and make arrangements. He did say it wasn't just the rules but other stuff that he'd talk to me about later but he was tired and wanted to go to sleep--so basically he just dismissed me because I am sure there was no sleeping going on at 9:15 pm!
Anyway that was my olive branch and if he wants anything else he will have to come and ask. I think I am in for a long ride, but I am not comprimising my values. The same rules apply today as last Friday and will continue. If he can handle it then come home, if not I hope he finds what he is looking for.

OP
I'm definately with you on this, but.....where was the olive branch in what you described? I don't see it. What you stated you said actually sounds cold. Really, I think you are doing the right thing. He absolutely can not be doing what he is doing and get away with it. Have you told him you love him and want him to be safe and can not abide with him acting in such a risky way ( both short term and long term ) ? I have an 18 yo myself that has a terrible attitude ( just with me, everyone else loves her) and I know is taking risks that she may some day regret. She's a feshman in college and currently commutes. I really don't think she is going to make it living at home for all 4 years of school. I'm trying to keep the balance of rules/ freedom to give her the best start in life, which means staying at home as long as possible. When her behavior causes enough ******* that it effects my 2 younger kids, she will have to move out, no choice. It really is a tough situation. You've stated that you've been keeping control of your emotions. That's great as long as you're talking about anger. Tell your son how much you love him and want to protect him and be sincere. If he still decides to stay away, at least you did everything you could. I would also tell him that he is welcome back home at anytime he decides to obey your rules. This will help him "save face" if he decides to move out ( which he may, it always sounds good at the time, especially to a teenager)

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Wow, my heart aches for you. I have a feeling I'll be walking this road behind you in a few years - my DS is 13. I'm another who feels you're doing the right thing even though I can't imagine how much pain you're going through.

Oh, the things they don't teach you at Lamaze, right?

I do hope for everyone's sake that your son comes around sooner rather than later. But I do believe that he will eventually. The hardest part is yours to play - the wait for it to happen.

Many hugs and good thoughts to you and yours. Stick to your guns!

 

[smiley]

I need to vent! DS is 18 still in High School--my holding him back in Kindergarten is now biting me back!
He skipped school on Friday--left for the day after 2nd period. He doesn't have his own wheels, but his girlfriend does so she lets him do whatever he wants with her car. She can't drive past 9pm becasue she has a jr. liscense so he drives her home then brings the car here. I have told him he should nto be driving it, went through allthe reasons why he shouldn't, he just doesn't care. He has a midnight curfew, rolled in at 1:30 Sunday Morning. I told him if he can't follow simple rules he will have to leave. I started to put his stuff on the step. He laughed at me, then left for work.
I am strict but not unreasonable. He makes tons of poor choices, but I try to be supportive. I discussed simple respect and how I feel when he doesn't follow rules and he again laughed and told me that I was nothing (not in exactly those words). SO I am here crying and feeling like a parental failure and I have no one to back me up on this since DH is in AZ for the week. The kid pulls this kind of thing all the time when he knows I am on my own to just put up with him, but I am feeling like I can't be bullied anymore. While I want him to be a good person to others I feel liek he shouldnt treat me like trash. I'm guessing I did a million things wrong while raising him, but I cna't quite pinpoint it. DD is a great kid--I ahve the same set of rules and expectations for them both, spend tons of time withthem both, take them palces, buy them stuff, do everything for them. One appreciates it and one can't take it all for granted quite enough. I am just so hurt! Any advice? I'm guessing that since he is still in HS I cna't just tell him OUT!


Update on page 6 post #79

I haven't read through your entire thread, yet. You are not a failure. The way a son learns how to treat his mother is from his father. Even though you were home alone for that week with your son, your husband should have called and had words with your son.

OK, now I'm off to read the rest of the thread.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

Just wanted to give you a

 

[PatsGirl]

Moms building strong men, one day at a time

I wanted to share a positive with you ~ 10 months after DS moved out he sent me a picture of himself in uniform with this inscription "Mom, thank you for everything you have done for me and making me the person I am today. Love, Jacob" ~ still brings tears to my eyes when I read it (it's on my wall in front of the computer).

Keep up the good work and stay strong, this too shall pass!