Help Me--I'm Overprotective and Don't Know What To Do

[bumcat]

Not overprotective just using your common sense which lots of parents have lost or never had.

 

[stego]

about the part with your son with ADHD. Are you sure we don't have the same kid? Spittin' image, I tell you. You described to a "T" his behavior while on the bike. I've had a routine for a number of years in regard to excercising in the evening. With my weight gain, I was reduced to SLOW walking, and only just recently have started to run a little more-see my journal in WISH journal board-and so he is used to our time outside.
Like you, I see many, many children, outside, unsupervised, without interaction with their parents. It's like they get home and they're unleashed. When dark comes-in they go-and I guess the parents pick up from there. Many kids are on those scooters-racing around on the neighborhood streets-and I've seen exactly 1 with a helmet on. I've looked for involvement with children-and find exactly 2 in a community of over 600 homes. Of course, I realize there are the soccer families, and they are gone at practices, and so I don't see them. We have laid down guidelines in regards to the boundaries our son has. Where he can go-who he can go with. All it took was one time-and we were looking for him-found him in someone's backyard. The law was laid down-no compromises, no excuses. Period. I rather be "overprotective" than regretful. I see enough of those "missing kids" flyers. I will make this clear-I don't believe that ALL parents who turn their kids loose will have a missing kid. It can happen. I would suggest that you look for one of those parents-who is outside with their children-ALL THE TIME. Quite frequently, we'll have some of the kids come along while I'm walking. Do I get tired of "Donkey"? Yes, it seems when his friends come along he's non-stop talking.
But to me, I know where he's at, he's hanging with his friends, they know who I am, etc. I know that in time, and giving him the opportunities, he will demonstrate to me responsibility.

 

[Pooh93]

I remember friends used to laugh at me and think it was really funny, but when they were babies I would always close and lock their bedroom windows whenever they were napping or at night time. I could be right in the next room, but I had this fear of soemone entering their rooms and snatching them.

I don't know why they would laugh at you for doing this and if they laughed at you, they'd be hysterically laughing at me because my girls are 8 and 6 and I do this every night! I have found several times they have been unlocked due to the kids opening them.

Back to the OP, you go with your gut and don't let anyone tell you different. You will never have the guilt of wondering "what if, or if I'd only...." Your child, your rules.

 

[ckay87]

Originally posted by Evil Princess
Out of curiousity, are you completely okay with spying and lurking on your children once they reach the teenage years? Reading IM conversations, e-mails, diaries, and listening in on phone conversations?

Are you going to follow them in their cars while their on their dates and sit in the back of movie theaters just so you can see how they conduct themselves when you're not around?

I'm not trying to be snotty, I'm truely curious. My mother never did that to me, though she did peek out the window to see if I stayed on the street when she told me to. I would imagine the teasing I'd get if I told my mother I was riding to the park and my friends looked behind them and saw my mother on her own bike.

I was talking about my own young children and - kind of tounge in cheek - describing how I'm trying to gently let them out into the world - giving them independence a little at a time. Prior to their being teenagers, I intend to have some idea of what they're up to and keep them safe and out of trouble. That's called good parenting.

Your applying my actions to teenagers is just an attempt to make me look silly. I'm a sensible person -- lurking in movie theaters, LOL!

Since you're so curious, you should know that I'm a pretty active person - it's not unusual to see me biking, walking, jogging around the neighborhood with or without my kids. I'm sure you're picturing some old lady in a housecoat and curlers in her hair chasing her kids down the street on her 10 speed!

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by Evil Princess
I
9 years old to me sounds like a good age to be able to ride around a little with friends, though I understand your concern.

My sister is 12 and she rides her bike and walks her rabbit (yes, rabbit, she has a leash), with the next door neighbor around the development. I do think you're being a little overprotective, 12 years old is about 7th grade. At 7th grade I started going out at night in big groups with friends, but it's your decision how you raise your children.

Evil Princess--
You are right--I was doing so much more at age 12 than my daughter does. I was hanging out at the roller rink at 10:00 p.m. (with a group) waiting for my mom to come get me. At age 4, my cousin and I were playing "down at the creek" all day and we lived in an apartment complex. At age 9, I rode my bike (alone) over 5 miles on a highway to get to the candy store. I was doing so much more than my children. And it's not that I don't think they are capable of it, it is the safety issue.

Here's another scenario I'm faced with.

DD (12) was invited to go to the movies with her two friends. The one girl's mother was going to drop them off at the front of the theater at 7:30. The show was over at roughly 9:30 p.m. They were to come out front of theater into the parking lot and wait for the mom to drive through and get them. The mother, in my opinion, is the biggest ditz I ever met (nice enough though). Now, I've been to this theater at that time of night and it is crawling with people "hanging out" out front. I just don't think that this is a place for three 12 year old girls to be standing at 9:30 at night. So, I have offered to take them to the theater, shop for two hours, and make sure that I am at the theater BEFORE the movie lets out. Again, I start to wonder why the other parents don't feel that is necessary. I really start to think it's me.

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by ckay87
I was talking about my own young children and - kind of tounge in cheek - describing how I'm trying to gently let them out into the world - giving them independence a little at a time. Prior to their being teenagers, I intend to have some idea of what they're up to and keep them safe and out of trouble. That's called good parenting.

Your applying my actions to teenagers is just an attempt to make me look silly. I'm a sensible person -- lurking in movie theaters, LOL!

Since you're so curious, you should know that I'm a pretty active person - it's not unusual to see me biking, walking, jogging around the neighborhood with or without my kids. I'm sure you're picturing some old lady in a housecoat and curlers in her hair chasing her kids down the street on her 10 speed!

Nah, I was picturing a normal mother on her bike. My mother never wore rollers or house dresses when I was younger

I was not trying to make you look silly, I didn't realize that your post was tounge in cheek. Believe it or not I have come across people who have the kind of attitude and mindset that I talked about in my post, whether it be on the internet or in real life.

Sooner or later their kids grow into teenagers and have a rude awakening, lol.

 

[Lynn CC]

I don't think parents can be overprotective, especially in today's society!

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by Christine
Evil Princess--
You are right--I was doing so much more at age 12 than my daughter does. I was hanging out at the roller rink at 10:00 p.m. (with a group) waiting for my mom to come get me. At age 4, my cousin and I were playing "down at the creek" all day and we lived in an apartment complex. At age 9, I rode my bike (alone) over 5 miles on a highway to get to the candy store. I was doing so much more than my children. And it's not that I don't think they are capable of it, it is the safety issue.

Here's another scenario I'm faced with.

DD (12) was invited to go to the movies with her two friends. The one girl's mother was going to drop them off at the front of the theater at 7:30. The show was over at roughly 9:30 p.m. They were to come out front of theater into the parking lot and wait for the mom to drive through and get them. The mother, in my opinion, is the biggest ditz I ever met (nice enough though). Now, I've been to this theater at that time of night and it is crawling with people "hanging out" out front. I just don't think that this is a place for three 12 year old girls to be standing at 9:30 at night. So, I have offered to take them to the theater, shop for two hours, and make sure that I am at the theater BEFORE the movie lets out. Again, I start to wonder why the other parents don't feel that is necessary. I really start to think it's me.

That sounds completely reasonable to me and not at all overprotective. My own parents shared the driving responsibilties at that age with my friend's parents, but if you know that the mother is like that I'd go with your gut on that one. My parents or whoever was picking us up were always there waiting for us.

I realize that the world is a more dangerous place than it was years ago. I was just pointing out that it might be safer for your daughter to walk the dog with a friend around the block than to do it alone, it might give you some more piece of mind.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by Christine

I just feel that I'm in a quandry on how much to let my kids go. Is it a gut feeling you get when you know it's okay?

To answer your question I would say what matters is that you let out the slack (as you did) and see what happens. You didn't agree with his choices and now he knows.
Next time you will "let him go" for whatever request and you will clearly, explain the "rules" & see what happens.
Deal with it as it comes & what you are comfortable with.

Over time I have reached a happy medium with 13yodd and the rules are followed. She also has a cellphone now.

It is process that you go through with your kids and work together for a "solution" that is win-win.

It took alot of "adjustments", btw!

 

[Cruise04]

I have not read the other responses but I did want to respond. When I first started letting dd go out on her own I was terrified. I felt like I was being overcautious as well. We live in a nice neighborhood but the tollway is our backyard. You never know who with a broke down car will go where. So we got two way radios and she carries one with her and I have one in the house. It works great, gives me a sense of safety for her, and I know if she's in trouble she can call me. It has worked wonders during halloween. She talks to me while she is out walking so I know where she is and what she's up to (plus she reports in what she has gotten at this house or that house - it's actually pretty funny). And my dd is 14 and also ADHD (but on meds).

It just really makes me feel so much better and still lets her have some independence and responsibility.