Help me handle this situation....kids

[antkim]

O.K. I'll try to be brief
Last fall a family moved in behind us. The kids are 13, 11(boys) and 10 (girl-Amanda). My ds(5) started being friendly with them during the winter. They liked to come over and slide in our yard and REALLY liked the fact that we had a hot tub-understandable. Well I guess that got old and they stopped wanting to play with ds as much. I tried to explain to him that they were much older and that sometimes "big kids" don't always want to play with little kids.(Amanda went as far as to say one day that sometimes A.J. annoys her when he wants to come over in their yard to play!) The boys haven't been over here in probably 3 months and Amanda has been over maybe twice in as much time-especially the night she knew we were going to the carnival which we ended up taking her to.(I should probably mention that there is something odd about the whole family situation. I think the kids are pretty much on their own over there even when it comes to cooking-Amanda has had dinner here MANY nights)
WELL.... I told dh that I was sure they would all want to be friends with him again as soon as the pool was open.
Wouldn't you know, yesterday was the first day that A.J. and his friend were swimming. His friend went home and the phone rings..... it's Amanda. She wants to know if she can come over to play. I told A.J. they could play but we were not going in the pool again. Well over she comes with 11 year old brother!!
My problem here is I don't want A.J. to get used-you know what I mean? They are much older than him and I understand why they wouldn't want to "hang around" but they don't seem to mind the age difference when they "want" something.
Do I just let it go? Do I mention my concern to the parents? I want A.J. to have friends to play with (he has many more friends in the neighborhood though)but I just don't want his feelings to get hurt again when they get tired of the pool. Am I being overprotective?
Man, when did being a parent get so hard!! LOL

O.K.-let me have it!!

Kim

 

[Serena]

I'm not sure how I would handle that. But good luck.

 

[onecoolmama]

I would only say yes occasionally at best. Just say that you are busy or he just had a friend over..something meaning NO!

I agree, not worth it to let him be used for a few "good toys" in the backyard.

but let me ask you...when they come over..do they actaully play with your son or do they play with each other?

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I think I would try to have a nice chat with the parents, without saying that you feel AJ is being used. (Even though that may be the case.) I would explain how hard it is on AJ to think these kids are his friends and then having them disappear for months at a time. Also don't forget that the neighbors are just kids themselves.

 

[cynsaun]

That really stinks! I'm sorry that those kids are putting your son through that, he's so young and doesn't understand!

If your son has other friends in the neighborhood that are his age, I would encourage those friendships instead. I would tell those older kids that they can't come over when they choose to do so.

I can't believe that the cooking duties are left to a 10 year old! There is something off with a family that leaves their children alone and lets a child prepare dinner!

Don't feel badly about anything! Go with your gut!

Good luck!

 

[fantasymagic]

When Amanda and her brother came over, did they play with A.J. or just play in the pool? If they actually played with A.J. then maybe it's okay because the play times at least are fun for A.J. If they just swam and ignored A.J., then maybe you could have a reason that they can't use the pool when they come over. That way, they will either get bored and not come over and you don't have to worry about A.J. being "used" or if they still play with A.J., then you will know that it's okay and it's just a big kid thing when they don't always play with A.J.

This is tough, especially with summer coming and you want to be a good neighbor.

Pixiedust coming your way.

 

[antkim]

They never went in the pool because I told A.J. they couldn't-meaning him as well. It was close to dinner time for ds 2 and then tubs etc. so I didn't have the time to play "lifeguard". Amanda does play with A.J. when she comes over and that is why I want her to come over BUT she usually has a hidden reason-like "ask your mom if I can eat supper over"-which I still don't even mind that because I feel bad for her-SHE CAN EAT!! LOL She has told me a few times how they have no food in the house or she even went as far as to tell my other neighbor(who's daughter is friendly with her) that her mom had to get a job at CVS(2nd job) because they couldn't pay the electric bill. Now, she is known to "tell stories" and is also known to lie-she has lied right to my face a few times! I have told her, and so has my neighbor that we do not lie in our house period.
We live in a very nice, middle class, family neighborhood and I want A.J. to have as many friends possible but I don't want his feelings to get hurt. I also don't mind them coming over occassionally but not every day. I don't want them or their parents to think we don't like them because that is not the case at all. I should mention I have never met the mother and have only met the dad once.

Kim

 

[CEDmom]

Personally I don't think I'd encourage a friendship between my child and children so much older. It's one thing if you're friends with the parents and sometimes invite the entire family over for a swim but to have kids over because they basically invited themselves is entirely different.

It's great you want to help these children especially since it sounds like their home life is lacking but your #1 concern s/b your own kids. I'm sure this "fair weather friend" treatment is hurting your son's feelings.

I'd start saying no sometimes.

 

[always quiet]

Sounds like they are defintely using AJ! Believe me, as a parent with kids of that age, it's hard enough to get the bigger 2 to play with the youngest on the best of days............and they're brother/sisters!!!! There are what, 5 years between AJ and Amanda............defintely sounds fishy! Maybe if you tell her that she is welcome to come over to play, but not use the pool. You can say that YOU are too busy at the moment to spend the time outside watching them. I think she'll opt out of coming over just to play. Try and do this when AJ's not around. Knowing his heart of gold, he would let her come over whenever she wanted (even if it was just to use the pool!) One way to get a 'feel' of what her true intentions are..........if she does come over, check to see if she is wearing her bathing suit under her clothes!!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I agree with CEDmom. I think the kids are a little old to be playing together.

Once in awhile would be fine-if your son wants them to come over. I would also start saying no.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is hard to say exactly how I would handle the situation without actually being there!

But, I did want to bring up a point that others have not hit on yet. You are talking about children sliding, swimming in the pool, etc... At your home... And, you do not seem to really know the parents. (have you met them?) I personally could not do that. They are somebody elses kids, and there are liability issues! With kids you never know what could happen. And, even with you right there, things can happen in one split second... You do have a little one that requires your attention as well. Then, you never know how the parents would react! Are they home? Do they know that their kids are spending time at your house? Have they given their permission.... etc....

I do know that I would want to set limits... When, How, Parental permission, etc...

Perhaps a chat with the parents is in order?

From what you have posted, I really feel for these kids!!!! But I have to agree with the one posters comments that it is not appropriate for kids to be made to feel free to invite themselves when they want to. If you would like to be a friendly neighbor and to invite the children over occasionally, then I think that should be up to you!

 

[RitaZ.]

One way to remedy the swimming problem is to tell the kids that if they want to swim in your pool, they must bring mom or dad with them. Tell them it's your rule and you are only concerned about their safety.

We have that rule at our house and I won't take responsibility for someone else's child when it comes to swimming. Another thing that you may want to consider is to put a cover on your pool if you plan to be gone from home for a while. One of my friends had a problem with some neighborhood kids that would go in her yard and get in her hot tub while she wasn't home. One of her neighbors let her know about this and she had to put locks on her gates.

 

[antkim]

Part of my concern is the "parent issue". Every time Amanda is here I make sure she calls her parents to let them know BUT she could stay here until midnight and that would be O.K. with them!! (that may be an exaggeration as she has never stayed here that late! LOL) I have NO idea how they would react if someone got hurt and that concerns me. I never let the kids in the pool without being out there myself or my dh. So do I ask for 1 of the parents to be here if the kids are in the pool? I want them to be able to swim on occassion but not every day. On the other hand (please know that I am not passing judgement) I don't think they are our "type" of people and I'm really not interested in striking up a friendship-does that make me a bad person? I like to think I am a pretty good judge of character and they make me a bit "uneasy".(I'm talking about the parents) I'm a very friendly person and love making new friends but there is a limit!

Kim

 

[nemo1987]

lay the smack down on them... just kidding i agree with RitaZ. if they want to come over and swim bring a parent with them. (oh and maybe charge five bucks a head...... lol!!!)
**Sarah**

 

[Gupsmom]

One way to remedy the swimming problem is to tell the kids that if they want to swim in your pool, they must bring mom or dad with them.

That's our rule too. This avoids a lot of hurt feelings...all the way around. I don't worry about kids showing up because they know I'll watch them swim. I have my own 3 to watch in the pool. I don't feel comfortable taking on more unless I know the child can swim (and listen to me) and we have invited the child over to swim.

A few people have brought up the age difference. That doesn't HAVE to be an issue. I grew up in a neighborhood playing with kids that were 5 yrs older and then kids that were 5 yrs younger. We have a 10 yr old in the area that wanders over once or twice a week to play with my 5 and 4 yr old. She is my 5 yr old's book buddy at school. I watched them very closely at first...to make sure she wasn't bullying or leading too much, etc. After about 5 visits, I realized that she is just a very sweet kid. She plays great with my DD's and my 7 yr old son. They all love her. I did nip the pool thing off before it even started.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation. Talking to the neighbors could turn ugly. I think I'd reserve that as a last step if more serious issues come up. You are stuck living there and it wouldn't be fun to be feuding. The neighbor kids are just kids too...but they are old enough that maybe you could explain to them how disappearing for a long time causes hurt feelings. Truthfully though, you're probably better off explaining things to your own child. Sometimes older kids want to play and sometimes they don't want a little guy around. That's a tough thing to explain to a 5 yr old but it would be honest. Turn it around and use his younger sib as an example. I'm sure there are times he doesn't want to play with DS 2. He might relate to that AND you could teach him how he should be careful about hurting feeling too.

Good luck...that's not an easy one.

Jess

 

[tiggerwannabe]

I learned kids just want to play-

keep the same rules with the neighbor's kids that you make
for your own...let them play, if AJ is happy to have them over,
then oblige him. As a child, he only sees the fun part in playing,
not the political side.

If anything, teaching Amanda and her siblings a different side of
life, you're making them better people for it...

 

[antkim]

I have explained to A.J. that they are much older than he is and sometimes they don't want little kids around. He seemed to understand BUT I don't know if he will understand the next time they disappear-after the pool closes! I just don't want his feelings to be hurt and I also don't want them over here all the time for the pool. They can play in my yard every day if they want-it's the pool that concerns me. I guess I'll just have to see how this goes and maybe it will be just fine. I'll keep you posted-I'm sure Amanda will be calling today!

Kim

 

[piglet too]

First of all I want to say that my best friend growing up was more than three years younger than me.

Now, my oldest is almost 10 (will be in less than a month) and my middle child is 5. They do play a lot together because there are no kids that are younger around here. Even all of my 10 yr old's friends seem to like playing with the 5 yr old. I have had them ask if he could play even when Kevin is not home. This girl may just be lonely, and you and your son offer comfort and friendship to her.

No real advice to offer, just hope that it all works out for everyone involved.

 

[Trish Bessette]

Good luck! I agree with another post not to speak to the parents they may take it the wrong way and then things could get worse.

If your son enjoys the company I don't see the harm.

Things are very much the same at my house. Seems as though we have all the "cool toys and food" to the other kids. They are always coming over to play with our stuff and then throw the hints like "you always have the best food" . My two daughters (7&10) enjoy their company, but a few of the kids we only see when a new toy or event is happening at our house. I set the rules and things work out okay.