Help me feel better about this "smart" financial decision...

[semisweetcocoa]

Wow- I think you did the wrong thing. It is family and is $500 really going to change your life if you give it to your sister?

I agree, give her the money and be thankful you are blessed to do so. You never know in life when you may need assistance and it don't have to be money, it can be anything.Just think if your daughter was in that position and you being her mother would you deny her.your mother is not denying her child which happens to be your sister...Sometimes its best to give from your heart.

 

[disykat]

I agree, give her the money and be thankful you are blessed to do so. You never know in life when you may need assistance and it don't have to be money, it can be anything.Just think if your daughter was in that position and you being her mother would you deny her.your mother is not denying her child which happens to be your sister...Sometimes its best to give from your heart.

If my daughter was in that position, not only would I deny her, but I'd be really disappointed in her. I definitely think there's a point where tough love is the only option that will help someone. Giving them money just enables them to dig themselves deeper into the same problem. No way would I do that to someone I love. The help I would be willing to give would come with the strings of accepting instruction so that it didn't happen again, but most adults aren't willing to accept instruction.

The OP is not describing someone who is having a one-time problem due to illness or job loss, she is describing someone who is making choices that are exacerbating a tough situation. DS in this situation will need money next month too under her circumstances, do the people who think she should just hand the money over think she should do it every month?

People are not saying the OP should deny the sister just to be mean, they are suggesting the most loving thing to do is allow the sister the opportunity to step up to the plate.

 

[dvcgirl]

You're definitely doing the right thing. Your sister needs to get her act together so that she can raise her children. She should start by holding the two fathers accountable for helping financially to raise their children.

And your mother's threat of "leaving everything to your sister" seems a bit silly since she just filed for bankruptcy. Just sayin....

 

[Sunbeamblue2002]

Hello, I try not to judge people on right or wrong because there is always 3 verions of every story. However to shed light on some subjects getting child support isn't always easy especialy when no marriage was involed. Those cases are handled by juvinal courts not faimly court and social services will just give you the number. Also I belive that it'll take about 3 months to get a final evection.

If she were to quite school in order to gain more employment she might be worse off then she is now. I know from experince because at that age with min wage full time she would most likely lose her daycare vouchers as well as the majority of her food stamps. I know this by experince.

I don't belive that you should be "handing out" money willy nilly however I belive that maybe your sister keeps the details of her life quite as it is not always easy to feel dependent on a person (however I don't know you or her so not sure). Don't know where you live but jobs are hard to come by these days.

Have her call her case work ASAP and apply there for assitance and they will walk her though the process. Just make sure she takes the 3 day notice with her. Tell your mom to hold off on the loan until she at least talks to the case worker.

Also just because you get assitance with utilities etc. dosn't mean you pay nothing. You still have to pay even if its 20 bucks. So she may have lots of small bills you might not be fully aware of.

Good luck to both of you have her also call oringaztion that have helped he in the past to see what can be done.

 

[dhardawa]

You definitely are making the right choice. You can't be her enabler. She has to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her kids. The fact that she is running around with a cell phone and cigarettes tells me that she isn't doing everything she can to make it without help from family. She would probably be better off to drop the 20 hours a week at Taco Bell and get government housing, Welfare, paid daycare, food stamps, Medicaid, her tuition paid, etc. Then, she can go to school and her living expenses are pretty much all covered. Unfortunately, as irresponsible as she sounds, my guess is she'll have some excuse to quit school before the end of the first year. But, you supporting her isn't going to do anything for her future other than allow her to remain irresponsible.

 

[okeydokey]

I agree, give her the money and be thankful you are blessed to do so. You never know in life when you may need assistance and it don't have to be money, it can be anything.Just think if your daughter was in that position and you being her mother would you deny her.your mother is not denying her child which happens to be your sister...Sometimes its best to give from your heart.

Then you'd better be prepared to give her $500 every month. A one time loan to pay rent will not help because the OPs sister has no plans on changing anything. A gift this month will only put off the inevitable.

 

[rigs32]

Hello, I try not to judge people on right or wrong because there is always 3 verions of every story. However to shed light on some subjects getting child support isn't always easy especialy when no marriage was involed. Those cases are handled by juvinal courts not faimly court and social services will just give you the number. Also I belive that it'll take about 3 months to get a final evection.

Be careful with saying stuff like this as it's different in every state. Both child support and evictions are different in my state than yours.

 

[blanq]

Some of you asked about the dads. Hah. The first one beat her up when she was pregnant, so she did not list him on the birth certificate and did whatever she needed to do through the court system so that he would have no rights the child. So, no child support there....

I just want to point out that this just does not gel. It is very possible that your sister did not list him on the birth certificate, but the second part ("and she did whatever she needed to to go through the court system so that he would have no rights to the child") does not make sense. If there is no legal father (i.e., the child was born out of wedlock and paternity was not established to add the father's name to the birth record) then a person cannot go to court to terminate parental rights. In others words if he is not the legal father there are no parental rights to terminate.

I get that the father abused your sister, and she has to weigh her and the child's future safety, but in my opinion just because he abused her does not mean that he should not provide support for HIS child. She still would have the option of asking her child support office to establish paternity and obtain a support order from him. In my opinion, given her desperate financial situation, she should be looking at every legitimate means available to her to help her support her children. Asking her family members to step in and support her children, before asking the father of one of the kids to do it, is crazy thinking to me.

 

[dvcgirl]

I agree, give her the money and be thankful you are blessed to do so. You never know in life when you may need assistance and it don't have to be money, it can be anything.Just think if your daughter was in that position and you being her mother would you deny her.your mother is not denying her child which happens to be your sister...Sometimes its best to give from your heart.

I would agree with you if this was a one-time request. The sister's life is in a shambles. The mother has issues with the OP not giving money to her sister....and is laying a heavy guilt-trip on her as well. This is a dysfunctional family with no boundaries. Not the OP, she's got her act together.

The OP's mother should take in the daughter and her two children. They're both in financial distress and so combining households makes complete sense.

I have lots of dysfunction in my extended family and my husband has some in his immediate family. It's not hard to recognize the signs here. The requests for money will never end. And the OP will always be labeled as a terrible and selfish person because she chooses not to give these people money.

 

[Praying Colonel]

I agree, give her the money and be thankful you are blessed to do so. You never know in life when you may need assistance and it don't have to be money, it can be anything.Just think if your daughter was in that position and you being her mother would you deny her.your mother is not denying her child which happens to be your sister...Sometimes its best to give from your heart.

Giving $500 to her under these circumstances is like giving a drunk a drink. It doesn't help; it enables.

 

[bsusanmb]

Your sister will never learn to live within her means until everyone stops bailing her out. I have been bled dry on many many occasions by my daughter and others because I just couldn't say no. It destroyed my credit, and left me without, but I just couldn't say now. Until....I paid 3 months of my daughter's back rent and then found her and her husband using drugs while her baby was neglected. Now DH and I have physical and legal custory of the child. I have gone through every emotion imaginable. I used to buy diapers and wipe, clothes, give her gas money, because I felt sorry for them because they were poor. They also get food stamps, WIC, and she was a stay at home mom, which is something I never could afford to be. I am an RN and I worked like a dog while my daughter was neglecting my grandchild.

Your sister could benefit from financial counseling from an outsider...someone who is not in the situation.

And, I will tell you this, it takes FOREVER to evict someone. I was so worried that my daughter and her baby would end up in the street, but she really didn't have a worry in the world, she knew I would always bail her out. So $1750 for rent down the drain...and now I am paying $135 a week for day care at the age of 60 for my grandchild.

I will pray for your situation. It is never easy.

 

[FINFAN]

stick to your guns. You cannot allow your sisters financial nightmare take your family down with her. Period. I imagine the emotional pull to help your 2 nieces is gut-wrenching, but heres the thing. There are 2 fathers, Their families. Yours has done enough by what you post. If your mom s threatening to leave her everything...so be it, you will independent from the toxins that come along with the request your sister is asking. YOu also have a child you are teaching as you are raising her. Do not teach her to be taken advantage of by irresponsible people, family or not.

 

[shanasbananas]

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all of the replies because only my opinion matters to me. Totally kidding but, here's my opinion any way...

FIRST of all, 2 very young children with 2 different guys?! Yowsers... and that's all I have to say about that.

Secondly, it is not your responsibility to be your sister's saviour, and even if you did help her out, it doesn't sound like she'd be very appreciative of it anyway. Just because you are her sibling doesn't mean you are obligated to help her out financially. I mean (going back to the first item, I guess that wasn't really all I had to say about that) maybe she should have thought things over a little before she fell into bed with her baby's daddies. Was she somehow wealthy when she had the first one, then decided to add another one to the mix and then suddenly lost all of her wealth? Really?! She didn't notice how expensive it was to take care of one child, so she decided to have another?! And why aren't the dads paying something toward these children?!

And cigarettes?! REALLY???!! Maybe she should think about scraping together the rent instead of buying smokes. And turn off the cell phone, turn off the cable, turn off everything that isn't a necessity! You can get a free phone that only dials 911 for emergencies. What would she do if she didn't have your mother or you to ask for the money? She'd have to give up the luxuries to pull money together. It sounds like her priorities are a bit skewwed.

Furthermore, shame on your mother for trying to guilt you into giving in to your sister. Your mom raised her children, it's time to cut the apron strings. Your sister is never going to learn to stand on her own two feet if she's standing on your mother's. I think you're going to have to face it though, that your mother isn't ready to let your sister hit bottom, even though she, herself, sounds like she is near the bottom. And I might get torched here, but shame on anyone on this board who bashes you for NOT giving your sister the money. This is a budget board, if you had money to be tossing around to other people, you wouldn't be asking "budget board friends" for advice.

Im sorry if I sounded like I attacked your family, but topics like this get me fired up! I pay taxes, therefore I support the misfortunate. But a lot of misfortunate people have a misplaced sense of entitlement where they think society owes them something. I don't owe you anything, Jack, get off your @ss and help yourself a little!

 

[vettechick99]

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all of the replies because only my opinion matters to me. Totally kidding but, here's my opinion any way...

FIRST of all, 2 very young children with 2 different guys?! Yowsers... and that's all I have to say about that.

Secondly, it is not your responsibility to be your sister's saviour, and even if you did help her out, it doesn't sound like she'd be very appreciative of it anyway. Just because you are her sibling doesn't mean you are obligated to help her out financially. I mean (going back to the first item, I guess that wasn't really all I had to say about that) maybe she should have thought things over a little before she fell into bed with her baby's daddies. Was she somehow wealthy when she had the first one, then decided to add another one to the mix and then suddenly lost all of her wealth? Really?! She didn't notice how expensive it was to take care of one child, so she decided to have another?! And why aren't the dads paying something toward these children?!

And cigarettes?! REALLY???!! Maybe she should think about scraping together the rent instead of buying smokes. And turn off the cell phone, turn off the cable, turn off everything that isn't a necessity! You can get a free phone that only dials 911 for emergencies. What would she do if she didn't have your mother or you to ask for the money? She'd have to give up the luxuries to pull money together. It sounds like her priorities are a bit skewwed.

Furthermore, shame on your mother for trying to guilt you into giving in to your sister. Your mom raised her children, it's time to cut the apron strings. Your sister is never going to learn to stand on her own two feet if she's standing on your mother's. I think you're going to have to face it though, that your mother isn't ready to let your sister hit bottom, even though she, herself, sounds like she is near the bottom. And I might get torched here, but shame on anyone on this board who bashes you for NOT giving your sister the money. This is a budget board, if you had money to be tossing around to other people, you wouldn't be asking "budget board friends" for advice.

Im sorry if I sounded like I attacked your family, but topics like this get me fired up! I pay taxes, therefore I support the misfortunate. But a lot of misfortunate people have a misplaced sense of entitlement where they think society owes them something. I don't owe you anything, Jack, get off your @ss and help yourself a little!

Great post!!

 

[eyor44]

You are doing the right thing by holding firm. Yes, I know first hand how hard it is. My youngest DB is a freeloader. All of the family gave him money when his kids were younger until we all discovered that he was just constantly going around the family with the same sob story of how they just didn't quite have enough money to buy groceries for the kids at the end of the month. Now only Mom gives them money. We all beg her not to, but DB says she can't see the kids if she refuses to help him. I say call his bluff, but she won't. Now I have to refuse to help her when I discovered that she would ask me for money only to give it to him.

Now I have cut off oldest DS. I saw him very rapidly going down the same path as DB and I refuse to let that happen if at all possible. We have helped him over and over, but nothing ever comes from it. He always needs help again. Now when he talks about being broke and unable to pay some bill, I ask if he still smokes. That makes him really mad, but.. I tell him to cut the cell bill down to bare minimum, who needs texting if it is extra. He used to get real mad at me, nice house, nice car, vacations, etc. But I tell him, I work hard for that and I earn it. I have tried to help him over and over, but saw nothing from it. He is in a real bind again, but finally knew better than to ask for $$. I am helping him figure it out with his budget and have even agreed to cosign a car loan, of a car that I approve of. But no $$, not at all. I did take him middle DS' bike to ride if his car goes completly out. He lives close enough to work to ride.

I understand how you feel, the guilt. Tears my heart out every time I hear him talk about another problem, but he has to learn. Even if it is the hard way. I hope your family works out their situation soon and pray your sis takes responsibility of her life soon.

 

[dfchelbay]

Can your sister and mom live together? Then, the two of them will have to pay 1/2 the rent they pay now, and have a little extra money for other things they can't afford right now.

As far as how you handled it...I agree with your position. To give her money, would only delay the inevitable. She has always run behind, and will probably always run behind with her bills. You will not see the money back if loaned to your sister, even if it's just until next Friday. Then, next Friday, it will be that she needs gas for the car, the electricity needs to be paid, etc.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but what your mom said is just terrible. I guess you won't be getting the broken stove or refrigerator in her will.

 

[mlittig]

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all of the replies because only my opinion matters to me. Totally kidding but, here's my opinion any way...

FIRST of all, 2 very young children with 2 different guys?! Yowsers... and that's all I have to say about that.

Secondly, it is not your responsibility to be your sister's saviour, and even if you did help her out, it doesn't sound like she'd be very appreciative of it anyway. Just because you are her sibling doesn't mean you are obligated to help her out financially. I mean (going back to the first item, I guess that wasn't really all I had to say about that) maybe she should have thought things over a little before she fell into bed with her baby's daddies. Was she somehow wealthy when she had the first one, then decided to add another one to the mix and then suddenly lost all of her wealth? Really?! She didn't notice how expensive it was to take care of one child, so she decided to have another?! And why aren't the dads paying something toward these children?!

And cigarettes?! REALLY???!! Maybe she should think about scraping together the rent instead of buying smokes. And turn off the cell phone, turn off the cable, turn off everything that isn't a necessity! You can get a free phone that only dials 911 for emergencies. What would she do if she didn't have your mother or you to ask for the money? She'd have to give up the luxuries to pull money together. It sounds like her priorities are a bit skewwed.

Furthermore, shame on your mother for trying to guilt you into giving in to your sister. Your mom raised her children, it's time to cut the apron strings. Your sister is never going to learn to stand on her own two feet if she's standing on your mother's. I think you're going to have to face it though, that your mother isn't ready to let your sister hit bottom, even though she, herself, sounds like she is near the bottom. And I might get torched here, but shame on anyone on this board who bashes you for NOT giving your sister the money. This is a budget board, if you had money to be tossing around to other people, you wouldn't be asking "budget board friends" for advice.

Im sorry if I sounded like I attacked your family, but topics like this get me fired up! I pay taxes, therefore I support the misfortunate. But a lot of misfortunate people have a misplaced sense of entitlement where they think society owes them something. I don't owe you anything, Jack, get off your @ss and help yourself a little!

Excellent points Those of us who work hard and pay taxes can sometimes feel very used when we hear about people who play the system because they feel entitled
OP, to you and hold firm in your decision You do not want to turn into an enabler like your mother. Remember, if you give a man a fish, he eats for one day. If you teach him how to fish, he will eat for a lifetime