Help for highly gifted child

[hmwnick]

A friend of mine is having a very hard time w/ her gifted 11yo DD. She seems to be obsessed with learning(not a bad thing) but has NO interest in having friends. She understands that GT children have many unique traits, but worries that she is not developing any social skills. DD prefers to engage in lengthy discussions w/ adults about political & moral issues. They live in a rural community, so their resources are somewhat limited.

I have encouraged her to seek counseling but I fear they can't afford it.

If you have any suggestions, please share. I will pass them on to her.

& people think raising smart children is easy

Thanks!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If the kid is gifted, music is one way to fill the need to learn complex things.

How about getting her dd SAT stuff to study for college? 11 is about the age when the gifted kids take their first SAT test. Go to collegeboards.com and get the "Blue Book". If she has a computer she can get study materials online. It has self-help and everything!

OH, and....Scholarships!!!! Go to FastWeb.com. Basically you write essays. It varies with the ages but there some she could do every year to try and get money for college.

Once you start digging you can find a TON of info out there.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Sometimes what people perceive as "gifted" with quirky traits can actually be a nonverbal learning disabilty or Aspbergers Syndrome(type of PDD). This child sounds exactly like a student I had who has this. While academically these kids can do very well in school they cannot foster emotional relationships with others.

Who labeled this child"gifted"? Was any testing done? Of course you do not want to approach the parent with this possiblity and I am glad the person is even thinking of counseling b/c a good counselor would pick this up rather quickly.

It is funny but we always think of a learning disabilty or as producing intellectually challenged kids but that is not always the case. I am always leary of people who tell me their kids are brilliant becuse sometimes it is either that is in the eye of the beholder OR sometimes it can be something a little more serious.

Hopefully you can convince this person to go to a counselor b/c if the child does have somthing on the PDD spectrum early intervention might help.

 

[noodleknitter]

Is the child happy and content? Some people just aren't as "social" as others.

If she is not happy, even in rural areas there is usually a public mental health facility that is free or based on income level. The school system often has a mental health consultant that might be able to get her into a group of some sort.

 

[Mom21]

but worries that she is not developing any social skills. DD prefers to engage in lengthy discussions w/ adults about political & moral issues.

Sounds to me as if the child IS developing social skills. If she can hold her own in these discussions with adults, she is doing quite well. I think we fall into the trap of thinking all children must have friends their own age. Children that are highly gifted just really have nothing in common with children their own age. Take a look at this chart to see what an 11yo of varying intelligence would be in intellectual age. http://gtworld.org/iqgrade.html? Click on articles on the left and then "The Secret Weapon"

And just to say, not all children of high intellegence with poor social skills has a problem. Funny how kids with average intelligence have poor social skills also, but no one gives that "all-knowing glance" and says "well you know they have issues." We had this with my dd also. She was homeschooled until end of second grade, was highly intelligent. She had better social skills than some of her public schooled friends, but the minute she showed a social problem, people would give that look (eyebrows raised) and say, "well she is homeschooled." No one looked at her friends when they had problems and said, "Well you know that child was public schooled."......LOL No she had a social issue. She is who she is and would have had that regardless. It was an emotional issue; not a homeschool issue or a gifted issue.

Just jumping off my soap box. As the child of a highly gifted, formerly homeschooled, now public schooled, socially misfit, little wonderful young 9 yo dd, this always bothers me.

 

[missypie]

Bella beat me to the Asperger's "diagnosis." My highly intelligent son with no friends was diagnosed with Asperger's later than he should have been because everyone at the school kept telling us that he was exhibiting behaviors typical of a gifted child. We finally took him in for testing on our nickel and he did have Asperger's (and IS gifted, too). I'm not trying to "make" this child have a problem, but if she does have Asperger's, a diagnosis will explain a lot and will make everyone's life easier, rather than more difficult.

 

[barkley]

is the child being homeschooled? or does she go to a public or private school where she has the opportunity to interact with other kids?

the reason i ask is dh has some family members whose kids were g/t and homeschooled-they did'nt interact with many kids outside their church. when circumstances arose that forced their parents to send them to a traditional school they were realy shocked/upset to find that while the kids tested out years above their chronological age educationaly they tested out years below their chronological age socialy. as a result they had to find a school that would accommodate learning at the appropriate level but provided socialization skills/opportunites as well (the oldest, maybe 11/12 at the time had a realy hard time of it-his manner was realy condescending with other kids-he just had this mindset that they could'nt possibly offer anything to him conversation wise that was'nt better served by discussing it with an available adult).

if the child is going to a traditional school or homeschooled such that there are opportunites for her to interact with other kids i'de think that an evaluation by a counselor might be appropriate. if they live in a rural community there are still probably social opportunities-4h, scouting, church groups...perhaps she just needs to push the issue with her dd and enroll her in some activities that are more social vs. academic.

 

[Mom21]

And another thing......LOL. if the child isn't unhappy, why should anything change? If she were so isolated that she would have problems getting along with anyone, then I would say maybe intervene. Doesn't sound as if that is the case. She sounds like a girl that will get along fine in the world if she can carry on conversations with adults. Let her be. If she is happy, and well adjusted then she is fine.

 

[hmwnick]

Thanks for the replies. To clear up a few things.........

Yes, she has been identified as being GT & attends a public school. She meets daily w/ other GT kids.

Her mom's has enrolled her in several summer camps. She HATED all but the "theatre camp". I encouraged mom to look into that area further. DD is bothered by the lack of commitment that her fellow actors show.

As far a academic challenges go, this child created her own summer curriculum & presented her mom with a list of materials she expected her mom to purchase(nearly $500 worth). She told me that DD has done the calculations and should graduate by 16. (I wish my 15yo had some of that determination)

My friend is worried that she will grow up to be a recluse. I'm going to do some reading on the subject of Asperger's. I hadn't thought of that.

THX

 

[barkley]

social skills are about alot more than just having fun interacting with other people. reading non verbal ques, knowing the appropriate behaviour/tone of voice for different situations (which greatly differs age group to age group), aquireing a 'shared basis of understanding', being able to communicate information to a person based on THEIR level of understanding-all are important tools for functioning personaly and professionaly.

i've known personaly and professionaly some folks of incredibly high intelligence who experienced tremendous frustration and lack of opportunities due to poor social skills. yes, they had great 'child-adult' social interactions when they were younger, but as adults they found that they had not the same understanding/perception of appropriate interactions communicating with adults of their age. i've heard more than one comment that they had based their communication style on the dynamics they experienced interacting with as children and never realized that adults interact differently with even the most intellegent child than they do with another adult (often this realization came after they were upset to learn that what they had been lauded for as chidren as gifted thinking was quite commonplace thinking in their chosen field and not subject to special kudos). they also encountered some realy heartbreaking issues with their own kids-they had no real understanding of what their kids (who regularly interacted with same age kids) were experiencing.

i think as parents we have to provide our children with tools to function both independantly and within society.

 

[hmwnick]

Barkley, you hit the nail on the head...."social skills are about alot more than just having fun interacting with other people. reading non verbal ques, knowing the appropriate behaviour/tone of voice for different situations "

This is exactly what this child's mom is concerned about.

 

[bbangel]

As a former kid in this kind of situation. The more you try and force the socialization the more unhappy and frustrated she will become. She will only begin to wonder even more about what is wrong with her. Until she asks for help or seems unhappy with where she is, my advice is to back off. I didn't socialize with kids my own age but still learned all the necessary skills. She will eventually find her own social groups.
Testing is rarely a bad thing. If the mom is that concerned get the testing and know for sure.
The one positive thing her mom can do is to keep having her try different activities. She will eventually find her niche, just don't push.

 

[milkabum]

Try a summer camp, perhaps. She can learn and make some friends, while having a great time and also learning from life experiences.

 

[barkley]

if this kids interacts realy well with adults and likes theatre-boy, if she could hook up with an adult mentor in a children's theatre setting she might gain so much from it.

most of the adults i know that work with children's theatre have a realy good handle on what is appropriate/acceptable behaviour in these programs (and why they don't stress over some of the issue that may have bothered the child in the op). working with one of these people might expose the child to learning from an adult the social dynamics of kids her own age-and she might find it easier to interact with them.

the mom might check with the theatre group the child was involved with and see if they have anyone that might fit the bill. the group i was on the board of directors for would offer opportunites for kids to participate while being mentored in a particular aspect by our directors, techs and the like. the kids got to discuss with their mentor what they (the kids) saw as problems/issues with the productions/participants-and many were surprised to learn that what they perceived as a lack of committment was actualy very much in alignment with the 'spirit/level of participation' expectations for their age group or older.

 

[taximomfor4]

I don't know what resources the parents have found, but I have a great website I used to look at quite often. My oldest is dd is "profoundly gifted" or as my dad calls it, "Severely gifted." It can be quite a burden to the child, educators, and parents. My dd never fit into her own age group, was grade-skipped and fit in much better in her new grade. But we mostly encourage friendships through orchestra camp and Irish Dance and church. That way she is learning to get along with kids of different ages, that are not age-grouped. She still tends to gravitate to the college-aged volunteers, but she is learning.

PM me if you want the website. It's good that the child was tested and identified already, as that is half the battle. Possibly, it will be hard for her to learn to pace herself. Instead of being so determined to finish school early, perhaps she may want to supplement school (at the normal pace) with independent studies in other subjects (Latin, musical instrument, art, poetry, applied maths, accounting, whatever!!)

Beth

 

[TinkInPink]

A friend of mine is having a very hard time w/ her gifted 11yo DD. She seems to be obsessed with learning(not a bad thing) but has NO interest in having friends. She understands that GT children have many unique traits, but worries that she is not developing any social skills. DD prefers to engage in lengthy discussions w/ adults about political & moral issues. They live in a rural community, so their resources are somewhat limited.

This is comming from a highly gifted student who just finised her last year at a charter school for the highly gifted.

Many gifted kids arent interested in friends their own age. i know from experience. the maturity level can be so diffrent and the level they grasp concepts. so when she gets with kids her age, they might like to talk about what happened on sponge bob last night where as she is interested in current events and has a much deeper under standing. at my old school i found it hard to talk to other kids because I would find myself explaining what words ,that I used in regular conversation meant to the other kids.

Dont send this poor kid to therapy, she is proably already getting teased about being smart and being sent to thearapy will just add to that. One of my friends got sent to therapy and being gifted and knowing what was going on she refused to talk to the therapist.
what I suggest to do is encourage friendships with other gifted children. once i got to my charter school in 4th grade i made some of the best friends i had ever had. and now that we are going to diffrent high schools we keep in touch. also with other gifted kids she will be able to hold those in depth conversations about current events and issues that she seaks.

 

[Crankyshank]

It might not be that she has Asperger's, although it is possible. It could just be something as simple as she finds it difficult to interact with people in her age group because she doesn't have anything in common with them. In addition, she could be teased by her peers for being "different" and that's causing her to be even more disinterested in social relationships with kids her age.

The fact she is enjoying theater and conversing with adults is good and should be encouraged. Maybe get her in touch with gifted kids in their area with similar interests or get her involved in community theater. Don't force the social aspect or she'll rebel against it.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Bella beat me to the Asperger's "diagnosis." My highly intelligent son with no friends was diagnosed with Asperger's later than he should have been because everyone at the school kept telling us that he was exhibiting behaviors typical of a gifted child. We finally took him in for testing on our nickel and he did have Asperger's (and IS gifted, too). I'm not trying to "make" this child have a problem, but if she does have Asperger's, a diagnosis will explain a lot and will make everyone's life easier, rather than more difficult.

YES you are totally right. As the child gets older the more difficult it becomes.

 

[barkley]

maturity and intellectual capacity do not nesc. co-exist at the same level.
there are many highly mature young people who do not meet the criteria as 'gifted' who go on to far surpass their 'gifted' peers personaly, educationaly and professionaly.

discounting a person for a social interaction based on what you perceive their intelligence level to be is, in my opinion, very immature and short-sighted. this is exactly why many who have been deemed 'gifted' opt out of 'gifted' programs/schools-they view them as narrow minded and eletist.

and don't discount those 'sponge bob' fans- ds often draws picutres of
'patrick' and 'mr crab' on the same sheet he diagrams out dna sequences on.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

A friend of mine is having a very hard time w/ her gifted 11yo DD. She seems to be obsessed with learning(not a bad thing) but has NO interest in having friends. She understands that GT children have many unique traits, but worries that she is not developing any social skills. DD prefers to engage in lengthy discussions w/ adults about political & moral issues. They live in a rural community, so their resources are somewhat limited.

What you are describing is a "classic" characteristic of someone who is gifted.


Here is a book that may help: http://www.freespirit.com/catalog/item_detail.cfm?ITEM_ID=197&CAT_ID=15

IMHO, I don't see anything wrong with her daughter. She's active in her own learning. She's just being herself. I wouldn't seek therapy for my child if she was the same. Now, if she was failing and exhibiting destructive behavior, yes. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Best of luck.