If DH and I divorced and he hooked up with some skank I would consider kidnapping DS before I would allow him to spend every other weekend with a total stranger. I am somewhat opposed to the concept of step-parenting. No flames, I know there are lovely step-parents and scummy biologicals. I just know it would kill me to have DS in a situation like that. He is MY child, and no woman who is only 15 years older than he is has any place in his upbringing. But that's my opinion.
Skanky idiot would not be spending any time with MY child.
I'm not sure how I'd arrange it...but I'd find a way. Maybe living in a nice Caribbean country would be nice for a while.
And, IMO, Skanky idiot needs to suffer daily for her poor decision to wreck a family. She would literally run every time she saw me.
(and I like the background check idea a lot. Maybe something is in there that would block her from spending time with you child.)
Anyway OP, I'm sure you'll take a higher road than I would. Skanky idiot will never be your child's mom. YOU are. Particularly when your daughter gets older, she'll realize the truth of the situation.
I'm sorry you are facing this. Just remember you have all your DIS boards buddies for support.
Time for a little reality check, ladies. if this actually happened to you, there is an extremely small chance you would or could get away with kidnapping your child - you would most likely be caught immediately and end up in prison - is that how you want your child's life to be managed? In the full custody of your ex and his new spouse? It's very easy to say this sort of stuff when it's not happening to you, but the reality is -
You are not going to be able to dictate ANYTHING that happens to your child while he is in his father's custody. No bedtimes, no homework, no food choices - nothing. As long as the other parent is meeting minimum requirements, what happens at dad's house doesn't have to follow any of the same rules as mom's house. That is the cold, hard truth of the matter.
If you think your ex should spend his weekend with your child because he doesn't see him very often, but your ex decides to play golf all weekend and leave your son with the stepmother, you have no say - it's his weekend and he can dictate where your child is and who takes care of him.
Get used to this fact and be thankful for anything that does end up going your way. If your ex has made the decision to break up the family and stop parenting with you, he is not going to suddenly do it your way when he is no longer married to you. In fact, if he knows something will get your goat, he's likely to do it his way to just to tick you off. Understand this and react accordingly.
As for how to treat her, again, time for a little reality check. If you really behaved in a way that made the new wife run every time she saw you, you'd be in court again and you'd likely end up losing more custody because you'd be seen as unstable.
Here is what you want to do - ignore as much as possible and be bland about everything else. Yes, you are going to yell and scream - but you're going to do it privately or on the phone to your best friend. In public, you want people to say, "I can't believe how gracefully you have handled this situation. I really admire you." Because, in the end, that is what your children need - a mother who shows them how to handle something gracefully and move on to a happy life. My motto is and has been, "It never hurts to be the person about whom the nicer things are said."
Many hugs to you - take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself as often as possible. From now on it's about raising your child and becoming once again a strong and happy woman. You CAN do it.
I know how much this hurts you - if you had added the phrase "Oh, yes, and she was my best friend for ten years" you would have had my situation. She was my age, not 20, but we had daughters the same age who were best friends (and are now stepsisters.) I can promise yout hat both you and your ex will end up witht he relatiosnhip you create with your child ow - so be the loving, stable parent. Talk to your child about your rules and make sure he understands what happens at daddy's is daddy's business, but your house is yours. I can promise you that enough years of this will guarantee you a loving and close relationship with your son after the magic age of 18, and will almost certainly guarantee that dad is no longer much of a force in your son's life.
She's going after what women have been told is the "prize" since Cinderella was written...
and NOT A DIME.
