Help! Affair Partner will be my child's stepmom.

[noodleknitter]

No wonder there's so much divorce in the world, with the turn the other cheek attitude in the world today.

If more people took stronger stands, fewer children would suffer in the long run. Homewreckers would know they'd be ostracized and less likely to blithely break up homes.

I disagree. Making a situation tolerable for a child who has NO part in the problem is the only kind unselfish way to behave. I thank goodness that someone like my mom raised us who understood that. And, yes, we all have strong marriages. None us us has gone out and lured a man away from his family yet!

 

[DVCLiz]

Well, normally I agree with you DVCLiz. But not on this one.


It's always amazing to me how people will act all civilized when someone has wronged them

Not I. I don't hide my feelings that well.

And if people have done wrong, then we shouldn't be all nicey-nice to them.

I have friends in divorce situations. They haven't found themselves nearly as powerless as DVC Liz describes. In fact, in OP's case, I'd go for sole custody.

My parents divorced over another woman. I let my dad know EXACTLY how I felt about it (I was an adult when they divorced.)

He didn't speak to me for a few years, but I did the right thing by letting him know how WRONG HIS BEHAVIOR was.

Here's what happens down the road, though, jodi. You've vented and purged and you feel GREAT!!!!! EVERYONE knows how you feel about the homewrecking witch, because you've told everyone - over and over. And in the beginning, everyone sympathizes with you. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, she is a homewrecker. Yes, they should burn in hell. And so on and so forth.

But, a few months or years later, you start to become..."the bitter ex wife." No matter how innocent a party you were. No matter how badly he (or they) behaved. No matter what. People start to say, "Boy, don't get her started...". Then they start to avoid the subject altogether. Then they start to avoid you.

It's the double whammy of all double whammies. Not only are you the innocent victim, but you get blamed for any (natural) bad reaction.

BUT, if you can treat "her" decently, you will be the better for it. Mild, pleasant casual contact, and brief but pleasant conversation, while at the same time showing no real interest in or curiosity about her life or anything she might have to say.

Little children don't have the capacity you had as an adult - they barely understand anything that is happening to them. My younger daughter asked me if I knew her stepmother before she and dad got married. She was almost 12 at the time, and we had been divorced since she was 4. She asked me this even though the stepmother and I had been best friends for the first 4 years of her life, and the stepmother's daughter had been my older daughters' best friend all of her life, and we had all eaten dinner together at a local restaurant every Friday night for those years. When I pointed those things out to my daughter, the wheels started turning and finally she looked at me and said, "Wow, Mom, that's harsh."

She just couldn't comprehend what had happened - and didn't even remember that we had known each other "before."

Later on, children DO understand, believe me. DD19 has a cordial relationship with her father, but I wouldn't call it close or loving. She would say he is not really an important part of her life any longer. Of course, his decision not to continue child support for her younger sister and not to contribute to any educational expenses had something to do with that as well.

I'm not saying you can't tell the new wife exactly what you think of her - once. Or even twice if need be. But to keep on antagonizing her and acting like a child doesn't ever, ever help in the long run.

 

[DVCLiz]

No wonder there's so much divorce in the world, with the turn the other cheek attitude in the world today.

If more people took stronger stands, fewer children would suffer in the long run. Homewreckers would know they'd be ostracized and less likely to blithely break up homes.

Yes, I think we used to be able to stone them, didn't we?

But, we are in the real world, and no one is willing to behave that way. And I'm not sure that sets a better example for the children. It sure would make the old wives feel better, though!

 

[jodifla]

I disagree. Making a situation tolerable for a child who has NO part in the problem is the only kind unselfish way to behave. I thank goodness that someone like my mom raised us who understood that. And, yes, we all have strong marriages. None us us has gone out and lured a man away from his family yet!

Well, I wasn't suggesting that. That's certainly not MY reaction to my father running away with a younger woman...to repeat the behavoir myself.

I was suggesting that our OVERALL reaction as a society of, well, what are you going to do, stuff happens, enables couples like the very selfish one in the OP to feel like they can get away with this crap.

Judge in this case, IMO, should grant the mother sole custody. Men who cheat don't get the benefit of joint custody in my book. IMO, they should both be in jail for breaking the adultery laws still on the books in most states.

 

[noodleknitter]

Judge in this case, IMO, should grant the mother sole custody. Men who cheat don't get the benefit of joint custody in my book. IMO, they should both be in jail for breaking the adultery laws still on the books in most states.

I assume you mean people who cheat.

 

[jodifla]

Here's what happens down the road, though, jodi. You've vented and purged and you feel GREAT!!!!! EVERYONE knows how you feel about the homewrecking witch, because you've told everyone - over and over. And in the beginning, everyone sympathizes with you. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, she is a homewrecker. Yes, they should burn in hell. And so on and so forth.

But, a few months or years later, you start to become..."the bitter ex wife." No matter how innocent a party you were. No matter how badly he (or they) behaved. No matter what. People start to say, "Boy, don't get her started...". Then they start to avoid the subject altogether. Then they start to avoid you.

It's the double whammy of all double whammies. Not only are you the innocent victim, but you get blamed for any (natural) bad reaction.

BUT, if you can treat "her" decently, you will be the better for it. Mild, pleasant casual contact, and brief but pleasant conversation, while at the same time showing no real interest in or curiosity about her life or anything she might have to say.

Little children don't have the capacity you had as an adult - they barely understand anything that is happening to them. My younger daughter asked me if I knew her stepmother before she and dad got married. She was almost 12 at the time, and we had been divorced since she was 4. She asked me this even though the stepmother and I had been best friends for the first 4 years of her life, and the stepmother's daughter had been my older daughters' best friend all of her life, and we had all eaten dinner together at a local restaurant every Friday night for those years. When I pointed those things out to my daughter, the wheels started turning and finally she looked at me and said, "Wow, Mom, that's harsh."

She just couldn't comprehend what had happened - and didn't even remember that we had known each other "before."

Later on, children DO understand, believe me. DD19 has a cordial relationship with her father, but I wouldn't call it close or loving. She would say he is not really an important part of her life any longer. Of course, his decision not to continue child support for her younger sister and not to contribute to any educational expenses had something to do with that as well.

I'm not saying you can't tell the new wife exactly what you think of her - once. Or even twice if need be. But to keep on antagonizing her and acting like a child doesn't ever, ever help in the long run.

I did want to say, I'm very sorry to hear about your story. And a former friend! yikes! What a thing to have to go through! Your kids are sure figuring out though.

And I could see that it would play out that way if you got stuck in your anger and stayed there. Even I would probably get sick of telling her exactly what I thought of her after the half-dozenth time, or so.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No wonder there's so much divorce in the world, with the turn the other cheek attitude in the world today.

If more people took stronger stands, fewer children would suffer in the long run. Homewreckers would know they'd be ostracized and less likely to blithely break up homes.

Homewreckers existed since the dawn of man.
There is nothing to stop that. I am sure the cavewomen tried.

 

[jodifla]

I assume you mean people who cheat.

Of course!

 

[DVCLiz]

Well, I wasn't suggesting that. That's certainly not MY reaction to my father running away with a younger woman...to repeat the behavoir myself.

I was suggesting that our OVERALL reaction as a society of, well, what are you going to do, stuff happens, enables couples like the very selfish one in the OP to feel like they can get away with this crap.

Judge in this case, IMO, should grant the mother sole custody. Men who cheat don't get the benefit of joint custody in my book. IMO, they should both be in jail for breaking the adultery laws still on the books in most states.

I certainly understand that you feel thay way. But that's fantasy thinking, not reality. No judge would grant sole custody to one parent just because the other parent had had an affair. It just isn't a part of today's society.

 

[jodifla]

Homewreckers existed since the dawn of man.
There is nothing to stop that. I am sure the cavewomen tried.

Well, at least they had clubs to fight with.

I'm betting the average cavewoman didn't just stand by and go, "Oh, well. He wasn't much of a hunter, anyway."

 

[NMAmy]

I certainly understand that you feel thay way. But that's fantasy thinking, not reality. No judge would grant sole custody to one parent just because the other parent had had an affair. It just isn't a part of today's society.

Exactly. You play the hand you're dealt even when it sucks. For me, the situation was what it was and me throwing a hissy fit and making dd uncomfortable at her dad's house wasn't going to help HER. And she was the only person I cared about at that time.

My ex's new wife got pregnant when we were still married--oddly, HE dragged his feet during the divorce and it took forever. DD came home and told me that she fully planned on hating this new baby. That's when I sat her down and told her that she and that baby were the two innocents in this scenario. That baby would be her brother or sister and the baby would need dd to be the big sister and love her.

This was no way what I was thinking. At first, I hated that baby and the hussy, too. But encouraging dd to be anything but loving to the baby would only be hurting dd and encouraging my child to have divided loyalties. Teaching her to be rude to her stepmother would only cause dd problems, not me.

I'm no saint. Believe me, I wanted to be mean and hateful and horrid about the whole situation. I wanted to take the low road with the new wife. But what would that be showing my dd? That I couldn't move on and I wasn't strong enough to take what life handed me and pick myself up and move on. That I couldn't get along without her father. I wanted to be strong and gracious--not to make life easier on them but for my dd. People can fantasize about what they'd do in the situation but you don't really know until you've been there. You'd be surprised at the things you do to make a crappy situation easier for your kids.

I've gotten away from the OP here and I apologize for that. This whole subject gets me wound up. I just want to let you know that you can feel one way and yet act another.

I'm reading an interesting book that I wish had been around while I was divorcing--mainly so I'd know I'm not the only one who had these crazy mixed up feelings. If you get the chance, OP, read Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore. This is NOT a self-help book but the story of one woman's divorce after her husband left her for another woman. It's just nice to know you're not the only one. Again-- I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Mermaid02]

I am not divorced nor am I a child of divorce, so feel free to take my advice and throw it out the window!

But I've always felt that success and happiness are the best revenge. If you show your ex and his GF/wife that you are perfectly happy with the way things turned out, that you don't "miss" him, that you aren't bitter towards either of them (even if you totally feel different on the inside) then you win. If you behave in a way that he/she/they can tell that he/she/they are getting to you, then you lose. If they see they can't get to you, hopefully they'll stop trying to push your buttons and things will settle down much faster.

As for how much influence your ex's GF/wife will have, there isn't much you can do about it at the moment, just keep an eye on how things go and if there are problems, do your best to work them out with your ex (not step mom). With luck, new wifey will be too busy spending your ex's money to bother with your child, so that most of the disapline and raising of your child will be left to your ex, and hopefully he'll more or less stick to how you handle things.

One last thing. If you haven't already done so, get yourself and your child into counseling. My best friend in highschool went when her parents split, but her mother did not. My friend said the counseling helped her a lot and she really wished her mom had done it too, nearly 20 years later I still get the feeling she (the mom) is bitter about how things turned out. Her ex cheated on her and then married another woman. That woman had been a friend of hers! Talk about being stabbed in the back!

Fabulous advice. I also would NOT discourage my child from spending time with them- most likely he will get visitation and you need to make that as easy on your child as possible. Take the time your child is with Dad to focus on YOU. Go to a spa- spend time with friends- read some great books- take a class- do a little day travelling-live well my friend.

Please keep us updated.

 

[DVCLiz]

Another motto I enjoy - "Revenge is a dish best eaten cold." In other words, it might be down the road, but people generally get what is coming to them - both good and bad.

 

[tennvalgirl]

OP I saw where Mutt Lang has been cheating on SHANIA TWAIN for apparently awhile now so....


What is going on in the world?



I'm so glad I'm not married sometimes

Good luck to you, as you can tell by the responses, you have a lot of company.

 

[jenrose66]

I'm a child of divorce. My dad left my mom for a woman 7 years his junior. He had an affair, the whole nine yards. His excuse was that they really got to know each other when their desks were pushed together at work and he felt like his life was no fun and he wanted to "be free"

I told my dad I was going to hate this woman (my mom didn't speak ill of her to me) but I wasn't stupid. However we got on ok until I was a teenager, I think it happens because little kids are impressionable and she was always nice enough to me.

However, she popped out two DD's immediatly (so much for my dad's freedom). Those girls were obviously favored and received much more of my dad's resources, love, money, time...

Now that my brother and I are grown my stepmother wants nothing to do with us, though she's always sweet as pie about it. If I call my dad, she always picks up the phone and gives me a reason why he can't talk. In the last year it's gotten so bad that I've resorted emailing him at work cause that's the only way we communicate. He lives 20 minutes away but he never visits, nor do I feel welcome at his home. He stopped by a few days ago, it was the first time he'd seen his grandson since February.

It's a sad situation, b/c I love my dad, and we get along fine. He just has his commitment to his other family. I look at all the time my family takes up, so I guess I couldn't imaging dealing with 2. If it doesn't make him sad, I won't let it bother me.

Sorry OP, that wasn't really advice. I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you're going thru, in a sense.

 

[JustWondering]

However, she popped out two DD's immediatly (so much for my dad's freedom). Those girls were obviously favored and received much more of my dad's resources, love, money, time...

Now that my brother and I are grown my stepmother wants nothing to do with us, though she's always sweet as pie about it. If I call my dad, she always picks up the phone and gives me a reason why he can't talk. In the last year it's gotten so bad that I've resorted emailing him at work cause that's the only way we communicate. He lives 20 minutes away but he never visits, nor do I feel welcome at his home. He stopped by a few days ago, it was the first time he'd seen his grandson since February.

It's a sad situation, b/c I love my dad, and we get along fine. He just has his commitment to his other family. I look at all the time my family takes up, so I guess I couldn't imaging dealing with 2. If it doesn't make him sad, I won't let it bother me.

Sorry OP, that wasn't really advice. I just wanted you to know that I can relate to what you're going thru, in a sense.

to you jenrose66, your brother, and your sweet DS. Sadly, this is exactly the situation that I fear for my own DS. My attorney has already warned me that this is likely, especially due to other woman's age. He said that the ex will focus on his immediate concerns (keeping the new wife and probable kids happy) and his older child from a previous marriage will be less and less of a focus. Human nature I guess, but sad just the same.

I am reading all of your responses carefully and again, I wish to thank each of you for your imput. I also want to thank those who have PM'd me. I will try to respond to you directly if I get the required number of posts to do so.

Thanks again!

 

[JustWondering]

I'm reading an interesting book that I wish had been around while I was divorcing--mainly so I'd know I'm not the only one who had these crazy mixed up feelings. If you get the chance, OP, read Split: A Memoir of Divorce by Suzanne Finnamore. This is NOT a self-help book but the story of one woman's divorce after her husband left her for another woman. It's just nice to know you're not the only one. Again-- I'm so sorry you're going through this.

to you too NMAmy. Wow, you have really been through the ringer and you obviously have handled yourself with dignity. I will look for this book. I have read several "affair" books which were very helpful early on. Your words and experience have helped me to find the strength I need to tackle this situation. Thank you.

 

[denisenh]

I hope that the 21 y/o affair partner falls down and her face winds up in a big ol' pile of dog poop....and I hope her mouth is open too. That'll teach her. Imagine flossing that mess out. What a twit.

for you though.

 

[JustWondering]

I've been there. My ex married the woman who helped break up our marriage. I understand how you feel. But she will never take your place. You are Momma. Don't forget that. The best thing you can do is hold your head up, and be pleasant. Yes, I know its hard. Really hard! But you will come through this. And just remind yourself...you are well rid of him. What did she get? a cheater. And it will catch up with both of them.

My ex and his wife have trust issues (Gee I wonder why? ) -- he checks her cell phone records and she checks his...I have had her call my number and ask who I was. Boy was she embarrassed when she found out it was me. This is what happens when 2 cheaters marry each other. Meanwhile I have married a wonderful man who I trust completely.

Thanks Laura! I'm sorry this happened to you. I appreciate your advice and vote of confidence. Oh, and you are so right...who wants a CHEATER. I really do hope karma bites dh and SHE cheats on HIM. That would be the best revenge. I will settle for the two of them having trust issues though. That, and if DH faces reality at some point and wonders what a 21 year old would see in a balding, middle-aged man with a spare tire. Funny, when I was married to him, I thought he was a wonderful, kind, caring person and never saw those things.

 

[C.Ann]

Here's what happens down the road, though, jodi. You've vented and purged and you feel GREAT!!!!! EVERYONE knows how you feel about the homewrecking witch, because you've told everyone - over and over. And in the beginning, everyone sympathizes with you. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, she is a homewrecker. Yes, they should burn in hell. And so on and so forth.

But, a few months or years later, you start to become..."the bitter ex wife." No matter how innocent a party you were. No matter how badly he (or they) behaved. No matter what. People start to say, "Boy, don't get her started...". Then they start to avoid the subject altogether. Then they start to avoid you.

It's the double whammy of all double whammies. Not only are you the innocent victim, but you get blamed for any (natural) bad reaction.

BUT, if you can treat "her" decently, you will be the better for it. Mild, pleasant casual contact, and brief but pleasant conversation, while at the same time showing no real interest in or curiosity about her life or anything she might have to say.

Little children don't have the capacity you had as an adult - they barely understand anything that is happening to them. My younger daughter asked me if I knew her stepmother before she and dad got married. She was almost 12 at the time, and we had been divorced since she was 4. She asked me this even though the stepmother and I had been best friends for the first 4 years of her life, and the stepmother's daughter had been my older daughters' best friend all of her life, and we had all eaten dinner together at a local restaurant every Friday night for those years. When I pointed those things out to my daughter, the wheels started turning and finally she looked at me and said, "Wow, Mom, that's harsh."

She just couldn't comprehend what had happened - and didn't even remember that we had known each other "before."

Later on, children DO understand, believe me. DD19 has a cordial relationship with her father, but I wouldn't call it close or loving. She would say he is not really an important part of her life any longer. Of course, his decision not to continue child support for her younger sister and not to contribute to any educational expenses had something to do with that as well.

I'm not saying you can't tell the new wife exactly what you think of her - once. Or even twice if need be. But to keep on antagonizing her and acting like a child doesn't ever, ever help in the long run.

----------------------

Your posts have been the best - and the most rational - advice on this thread..

You were wronged, but you handled it with the utmost class and with everyone's best interest at heart..