Help! Affair Partner will be my child's stepmom.

[JustWondering]

Time for a little reality check, ladies. if this actually happened to you, there is an extremely small chance you would or could get away with kidnapping your child - you would most likely be caught immediately and end up in prison - is that how you want your child's life to be managed? In the full custody of your ex and his new spouse? It's very easy to say this sort of stuff when it's not happening to you, but the reality is -

You are not going to be able to dictate ANYTHING that happens to your child while he is in his father's custody. No bedtimes, no homework, no food choices - nothing. As long as the other parent is meeting minimum requirements, what happens at dad's house doesn't have to follow any of the same rules as mom's house. That is the cold, hard truth of the matter.

If you think your ex should spend his weekend with your child because he doesn't see him very often, but your ex decides to play golf all weekend and leave your son with the stepmother, you have no say - it's his weekend and he can dictate where your child is and who takes care of him.

Get used to this fact and be thankful for anything that does end up going your way. If your ex has made the decision to break up the family and stop parenting with you, he is not going to suddenly do it your way when he is no longer married to you. In fact, if he knows something will get your goat, he's likely to do it his way to just to tick you off. Understand this and react accordingly.

As for how to treat her, again, time for a little reality check. If you really behaved in a way that made the new wife run every time she saw you, you'd be in court again and you'd likely end up losing more custody because you'd be seen as unstable.

Here is what you want to do - ignore as much as possible and be bland about everything else. Yes, you are going to yell and scream - but you're going to do it privately or on the phone to your best friend. In public, you want people to say, "I can't believe how gracefully you have handled this situation. I really admire you." Because, in the end, that is what your children need - a mother who shows them how to handle something gracefully and move on to a happy life. My motto is and has been, "It never hurts to be the person about whom the nicer things are said."

Many hugs to you - take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself as often as possible. From now on it's about raising your child and becoming once again a strong and happy woman. You CAN do it.


I know how much this hurts you - if you had added the phrase "Oh, yes, and she was my best friend for ten years" you would have had my situation. She was my age, not 20, but we had daughters the same age who were best friends (and are now stepsisters.) I can promise yout hat both you and your ex will end up witht he relatiosnhip you create with your child ow - so be the loving, stable parent. Talk to your child about your rules and make sure he understands what happens at daddy's is daddy's business, but your house is yours. I can promise you that enough years of this will guarantee you a loving and close relationship with your son after the magic age of 18, and will almost certainly guarantee that dad is no longer much of a force in your son's life.

GREAT words of wisdom. I hate that you were betrayed not once, but twice.

I am a realist so can relate to what you are saying. I know that I am strong and will persevere. I just have to find the strength to deal with her, and DS relationship with her, as that time is fast approaching. I want the best for my child, with no added conflict placed on him by me. It's just so HARD to think this child-woman, moral-less person (can't change who is father is) will have a significant place in my son's life. Ughhhh. I guess I just can't see the possibility of good in her. I will say that I don't believe the soon to be ex will allow her to be ugly to me or DS. Like I mentioned earlier, I think I mostly fear (hopefully irrationally) that she will be so fun that I will look less appealing to DS. DH is already the fun and games guy.

Hugs!

 

[JustWondering]

The high road is the only one that doesn't lead to disaster down the road.

Even if she wines and dines the child and is the perfect fun stepmom while you get the drudge work... in adulthood the child will know who was there and who wasn't.

It is also possible that she's young and deluded and in love and while it doesn't speak well for her character that she pursued a married man, she may otherwise be a person who can influence your child in positive ways. At a minimum, souring the child's relationship with someone who will be an authority figure in his life is a bad idea that will lead to the kid feeling like he has to choose sides even more than he already will feel he has to given the hard feelings.

She may be gone in 5 years, or they may be married for 50 years and she may have 2-3 other kids with the man, kids who will be your child's siblings and whose mother he will need to deal with for LIFE if he's going to continue to have relationships with his siblings.

Again, it's not fair that as the wronged party you have to suck it up and deal with all the fallout, but the ultimate victim of doing anything but biting your tongue and being civil will be your child. His relationship with his father and any future siblings will form a strong part of his identity. How you handle the next few years can poison that identity. You know that because you both are trying to stay positive for his sake... but that will extend to her as well, because she's the choice his father made. He will have to grow up and see the ramifications of that choice from the vantage point of adulthood before you can feel free to be truly candid.

I wish you a happy new relationship of your own so that you can get to a point where you roll your eyes at him (and her) and count your blessings.

You are so right. Thank you very much.

Again, I have had many wonderful responses to my inquiry. Those that spoke of the darker feelings one experiences are also appreciated. Although I cannot act on those thoughts, I have had them. It's an emotional roller-coaster for sure. I've experienced every emotion known to man. Mostly I am still dealing with the why and how this happened. Another biggie is the feeling that the last 20 years of my life were nothing but a lie. I feel like I can't look back on them fondly, even though they seemed at the time to be great years. Then I remember that I have my sweet boy as a result, so in the end it was worth it.

Thanks for listening to me Disfriends!

 

[Lady V]

That is my exact story!! A few years ago my ex dh left me and the two kids saying he just wasn't happy. Come to find out he was having an affair with a mutual friend that was 19!!!! (he was 27) Well, now they are getting married. It is so sickening to hear my kids refer to her with nicknames and taalk about being in their wedding. I think it is so sad and if they only knew (which I will never tell them) that she was part of the reason they cried for months they wouldn't be so crazy over her.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

Another biggie is the feeling that the last 20 years of my life were nothing but a lie. I feel like I can't look back on them fondly, even though they seemed at the time to be great years. Then I remember that I have my sweet boy as a result, so in the end it was worth it.

Bless your heart. What an awful feeling to feel like your whole relationship was a lie. Obviously, if it lasted 20 years, it did have meaning. I hope you find happiness for yourself and are able to someday look back at those twenty years with pleasant memories of the good times. I am able to laugh and joke with my ex-husband about the years we were married.

Of course right now you just need to go through the motions of doing the right thing. Even when you don't really feel it, just play the role for the sake of your son. Eventually it will get easier.

 

[SereneOne]

You MUST love your children more than you hate your ex-spouse and his "notallowedondisboardswords". You have every right to feel the way you do, and DO know that what goes around, comes around. Sometimes it takes many years...it still has not come around for several evil people in my life. However, I have seen it time and time again, it eventually does. There is a saying, "Bitterness is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". Right now, everything between them is rosy and romantic, a fantasy...but wait, soon there will be child support, possibly alimony, the loss of half or more of his assets....the every day challenges and obstacles set in, before you know it, they will do to each other what they did to you. I know this is another cliche, however it is so true. The best revenge is living well. Vent to us, we won't hold it against you and do not know you in real life. Get it all out. Then do all the things you never did for yourself and continue to be the best mom to your kids and the best friend to yourself that you can be. This too, shall pass and you will come out stronger, wiser and happier.

Hugs to you, and prayers of peace and wisdom.

 

[Rence]

A story of two breakups.
----------------
Good friend of mine, she and her husband had a 1 year old baby. Woman across the street is suddenly widowed - widow goes looking for a husband and settles on stealing my friends. Bitter divorce.

My friend has never been able to let her anger go - she hates, loathes and dispises the other woman. Because of this her relations with her ex are horrible.

Problem is, there is the child - this all happened 15 years ago. That poor boy has been caught in the middle his whole life - my friend and her ex couldn't civilly agree on anything. Lots of going back to court - continual pot shots at each other all with a child caught in the middle - he is a mess. The parents on-going battle has really impacted their son.
-------------------
Second story - my sister - husband cheats, they divorce, he's with the other woman (former friend of my sisters). Things go bad for a few months, suddenly my sister sees what it is doing to her two young daughters. My sister sucks it up for the sake of the children. She is remarkably civil to her ex and the other woman (not yet married, but living together for years). To close friends and family my sister will vent - but never in front of the children. The ex and the other woman are invited to family functions - after they leave my sister will turn to me and exclaim that she deserves an oscar for the performance she just gave. This has been going on for five years. Her daughters are remarkably well adjusted and have handled the divorce just fine because the parents are able to be civil and still function together for the sake of the children.
---------------------

 

[PiratesRock]

My Mom went thru a terrible marriage with my Dad messing around, even with her best friend. He never left, neither did she. Years of misery for us all. Then one sunny day Dad dropped a large metal trailer on himself...ta da! Hello accidental death policy! Mom's got a gorgeous house with a pool and a nice car! Just a little story of Karma to hopefully give you a chuckle.

 

[DVCLiz]

My Mom went thru a terrible marriage with my Dad messing around, even with her best friend. He never left, neither did she. Years of misery for us all. Then one sunny day Dad dropped a large metal trailer on himself...ta da! Hello accidental death policy! Mom's got a gorgeous house with a pool and a nice car! Just a little story of Karma to hopefully give you a chuckle.

Ah, now there's a happy ending!!!!! Those kinds of things do have a way of happening to the people who deserve them the most, sometimes!!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

Now that my brother and I are grown my stepmother wants nothing to do with us, though she's always sweet as pie about it. If I call my dad, she always picks up the phone and gives me a reason why he can't talk. In the last year it's gotten so bad that I've resorted emailing him at work cause that's the only way we communicate. He lives 20 minutes away but he never visits, nor do I feel welcome at his home. He stopped by a few days ago, it was the first time he'd seen his grandson since February.

It's a sad situation, b/c I love my dad, and we get along fine. He just has his commitment to his other family. I look at all the time my family takes up, so I guess I couldn't imaging dealing with 2. If it doesn't make him sad, I won't let it bother me.

That is so heartbreaking

 

[JustWondering]

That is my exact story!! A few years ago my ex dh left me and the two kids saying he just wasn't happy. Come to find out he was having an affair with a mutual friend that was 19!!!! (he was 27) Well, now they are getting married. It is so sickening to hear my kids refer to her with nicknames and taalk about being in their wedding. I think it is so sad and if they only knew (which I will never tell them) that she was part of the reason they cried for months they wouldn't be so crazy over her.

I feel for you. It sounds like you are handling the situation well for your kiddo's. Great job!

 

[JustWondering]

My Mom went thru a terrible marriage with my Dad messing around, even with her best friend. He never left, neither did she. Years of misery for us all. Then one sunny day Dad dropped a large metal trailer on himself...ta da! Hello accidental death policy! Mom's got a gorgeous house with a pool and a nice car! Just a little story of Karma to hopefully give you a chuckle.

Wow! I've been hearing a lot about this Karma thing lately. I've told myself that it will most likely pass them by so I am not disappointed when they live happily ever after. If it does happen to pay them a visit... I'll settle for him waking up every morning and wondering what the heck he was thinking when he hooked up with THAT.

 

[nhrenee]

My Mom went thru a terrible marriage with my Dad messing around, even with her best friend. He never left, neither did she. Years of misery for us all. Then one sunny day Dad dropped a large metal trailer on himself...ta da! Hello accidental death policy! Mom's got a gorgeous house with a pool and a nice car! Just a little story of Karma to hopefully give you a chuckle.

OMG! Sorry, but this really made me I think it was the "ta da" that did it.

OP: I can't offer words of advise, just and good wishes.

 

[rkrivas]

My Mom went thru a terrible marriage with my Dad messing around, even with her best friend. He never left, neither did she. Years of misery for us all. Then one sunny day Dad dropped a large metal trailer on himself...ta da! Hello accidental death policy! Mom's got a gorgeous house with a pool and a nice car! Just a little story of Karma to hopefully give you a chuckle.

Thanks for making me LOL. I'm going through an identical situation to the OP (although the other woman in my case is a much-more-mature 27!). I'm trying to maintain civility and not letting my kids see/hear anything negative. Some days are easier than others! My mantra is 'living well is the best revenge'.

 

[Teejay32]

I will say that I don't believe the soon to be ex will allow her to be ugly to me or DS. Like I mentioned earlier, I think I mostly fear (hopefully irrationally) that she will be so fun that I will look less appealing to DS. DH is already the fun and games guy.

There's a time and place for fun and games though, and then there are times when they just want Mum. Or "home", the place where they can relax and be comfortable - which is usually where Mum is. Never underestimate that.

 

[MAKmom]

OP It is horrible what you are going thru.

This is my advice let them play house with your son. Let them drive to activites, do his laundry, pack lunches & do the dreaded homework. She will get tired of this at 21 real soon.

 

[bookgirl]

Hi All!

I have a situation that I need advice with. I'm not new to the boards however I really don't want this info linked to my regular id.

My soon to be ex will be marrying his 21 y/o affair partner. He is 40 (I'm a couple of years older) and we have a child 6. I never saw any of this coming and was blind-sided last year when dh came to me to tell me he was not happy in what I always thought of was a great marriage (19 years). I found out a week later that he had been having an affair with a subordinate (20 at the time). He walked out of the marriage and never looked back. He is still very active in child's life. We remain amicable for child's sake and do not bad mouth each other nor undermine each other's parenting.

I never would have thought that I would be a divorced woman and that my child was going to be raised in a broken home. It saddens me immensely. Here is my problem. I have no feeling of love left for dh and would never chose to be married to him in light of everything I now know. I have no problem with him getting remarried to someone down the road that he forms a healthy relationship with after we are divorced. I DO have a problem with him marrying this ***** that helped break up our marriage, not to mention that I could be her Mother and husband could be her Dad. I don't want her involved in child's life. I know I can't control this and I also know that it is inevitable. So here I am, asking for help from anyone that may know what I am going through and/or has any wisdom regarding this situation. I DO NOT want to damage my child so I realize that I will have to suck it up. Please help me figure out how.

Thanks for reading. I love the DIS boards!

Well you don't have a lot of choice after they marry, but in your custody decree you need to put things like child will not be spending the night in a house when a parent has a sleepover guest (applies to you as well) in the same room, or even house. Child will not be left in the charge of any boy friend girl friends with out the parent present, and child will not be requiered to spend time with boyfriends girlfriends in situations not approved by other parent (ie vacations).

Once they marry you have to be an adult and accept that just like your husband, who you remain cordial with despite his fault in having the affair, his new wife will be involved with your child and an extension of the childs father. No bad talking the ex or his wife.

 

[JustWondering]

Once they marry you have to be an adult and accept that just like your husband, who you remain cordial with despite his fault in having the affair, his new wife will be involved with your child and an extension of the childs father. No bad talking the ex or his wife.

You are right. I do have to be an adult, ONE of us has to, right?

rkrivas

Thanks for making me LOL. I'm going through an identical situation to the OP (although the other woman in my case is a much-more-mature 27!). I'm trying to maintain civility and not letting my kids see/hear anything negative. Some days are easier than others! My mantra is 'living well is the best revenge'.

I love your mantra. I think I will borrow it if you don't mind! I am very, very sorry that you are going through this too. It's really sad how many marriages are significantly damaged or destroyed by affairs. Here in my city, there has been an epidemic of this sort of thing.

 

[ObsessedwiththeMouse]

I just wanted to offer

Good luck~

 

[Ride Junkie]

Wow OP, this is the stuff tv-movies are made of. So sorry this happened to you. I agree with a lot of posters as far as being polite & playing nice for your kid's sake. I'm glad you and your husband are also getting along to raise your child. I guess the best you can hope for is that this woman will be good to your child. Let's hope!

Good luck, and like the others said, hope your attorney gets you what you deserve!

 

[ilovejack02]

I am sure this is very hard. My best friend is going through this exact thing right now except it was our other best girlfriend and the Skank was living with them. Her ex2be ( seperated in Oct.) texted her that the other day while he had their DD2.5...." Just wanted to let you know
xxx pottied in the potty and we wiped front to back .." Well my BFF thought that was odd that he mentioned front to back.. the EX DH is clueless... so she drove past his house to be nosy and she was right the skanky girl was there.

My BFF is sooo angry.. it hurts me to see how angry she is. Its like she becomes another person ( a crazy person) when the skank is brought up . She gets red in the face and practically starts shaking. I hope she can get control of it soon , Its not good for herself or her daughter.
Being a stepmom for the last 15 yrs im also afraid it will eventually hurt her DD's relationship with the possibly soon to be new wife. I know the thought of this woman being near you dd is enough to make you want to vomit, but just try to remember life is SOOOO much easier for your child if everyone can just " get along"

My DH's wife and I dont really care for each other.. but have managed to get along for the most part and my oldest seems to be a happier child for it. When he graduated last yr, his mother actually told me that she thought i had been a great step mom and she couldnt ask for anyone better to love her child. I take that as a HUGE compliment esp coming from a woman who really didnt like me ( no i didnt steal her man either lol )
Maybe this woman will be a positive light in your childs life and then again maybe she wont last long LOL most 21 yr olds have the attention span of a gnat : )
Good luck OP!!


OH my fav. line is Love your child more than you hate your ex... OR the soon to be stepmom in this case. ; ) just keep repeating it LOL!