Head Tables at Weddings

[Minnie824]

I don't know if any of the people who claim that the wedding isn't about the bride have daughters or not, but although my DD is little, I couldn't imagine when she's older saying to her "Go ahead and plan YOUR wedding, but try not to focus on what YOU want, because after all, its not about you. We need to make sure your guests are happy first". I mean, really. I've been in a number of weddings. Was everything exactly how I wanted it in them? Of course not, but it was perfect in mine. And it wasn't just about what I wanted. My DH and I discussed what we wanted, made some compromises for our parents and each other. I don't think a bride and groom should have to worry about what every other guest wants. Maybe along with wedding invitations, they should send request forms out too, to make sure hundreds of people get what they want at someone elses event. I still have to say again, if the guests are unhappy, don't go. No one is forcing you to.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by Minnie824
I don't know if any of the people who claim that the wedding isn't about the bride have daughters or not, but although my DD is little, I couldn't imagine when she's older saying to her "Go ahead and plan YOUR wedding, but try not to focus on what YOU want, because after all, its not about you. We need to make sure your guests are happy first". I mean, really. I've been in a number of weddings. Was everything exactly how I wanted it in them? Of course not, but it was perfect in mine. And it wasn't just about what I wanted. My DH and I discussed what we wanted, made some compromises for our parents and each other. I don't think a bride and groom should have to worry about what every other guest wants. Maybe along with wedding invitations, they should send request forms out too, to make sure hundreds of people get what they want at someone elses event. I still have to say again, if the guests are unhappy, don't go. No one is forcing you to.

This is not the point. As a bride and groom, you have your vision of what you want. You should have what you want, but to not take into consideration that Grandma would be horrified if she had to sit with Aunt Mabel, would be wrong. To invite a group of vegetarians and insist that they eat meat is wrong. To hire a rap band because you like rap but your relatives will like it or be able to dance is wrong. Yes, you should have everything that you want, but to demand that everyone get their belly-button pierced upon their arrival at your reception would be wrong. It's not a day to be a dictator. It's a day that should be full of love and fun.

 

[FOJMO]

I must admit that in all of this discussion I lost sight of pointing out who I'm talking about as having responsibility at the wedding. I was talking about the "attendants" -- not every guest.

The attendants at a wedding ceremony AND reception have duties to attend to -- they may differ according to custom, etc. These may include, but are not limited to:

- The maid of honor or one of the bride's attendants would help her to the restroom and make sure her gown, etc. was straight and "down" when she exited back to the reception. They may carry the bride's purse with makeup, tissues, medications, etc.

- Both male and female attendants should help (along with the servers) to pass out the pieces of cake to the guests.

- Both male and female attendants should help to greet each table and make sure everyone is having a good time and has everything they need. The bride and groom also visit each table, but they may not, due to lengthy conversations, get to each table timely. The attendants help with this and to make introductions when they can.

- The groomsmen make sure that the car that has been arranged to whisk the happy couple away when they leave the reception is there for them.

- The bride and groom rarely stay for the entire reception. When they leave, it's up to the attendants to make sure the guests are taken care of and tend to any financial responsibilities that the bride/groom asked them to with the dining establishment (bar tab, band/orchestra).

- Guests at the reception should always be able to approach any of the attendants to ask questions about procedure, and not bother the bride/groom with details.

- The attendants can have a good time, but they also are there to make the day/evening detail-free for the bride and groom.

Also, RUDisney, EVERYONE at the wedding ceremony itself is a witness. If you listen to the priest/rabbi/minister/judge, they almost always state that all here are witnesses to this union. In fact, if the bride and groom should seek a divorce at some point (hopefully not, but it happens), an attorney may ask them for affidavits from those at their wedding ceremony, giving their impression of the wedding day.

AND, the bride and groom are NOT the hosts of this "party". If you read most wedding invitations, it is the parents of both parties that invite you to "witness" the marriage of their children. So, if anyone is a HOST, it's the parents or whomever is extending the invitation to you.

 

[katerkat]

Originally posted by FOJMO
- The maid of honor or one of the bride's attendants would help her to the restroom...

Ha! Seriously? You didn't really try to go to the bathroom in that thing??

Originally posted by FOJMO
- The groomsmen make sure that the car that has been arranged to whisk the happy couple away when they leave the reception is there for them.

I didn't know Saran-wrap, balloons, streamers and show polish were required to whisk us away!

 

[RUDisney]

Wow. Weddings are surely different in your neck of the woods.

We paid for our own wedding, hence, we were the hosts.

We stayed until the end of our reception. We arranged our own transportation (primarily out of fear that if the groomsmen knew which car we were taking, they'd decorate it.)

We made sure that we saw every one of our guests. It would have been rude of us to send a bridesmaid over to tell a table that we were glad they were there but to not do it ourselves.

I hired people to serve our cake. I would not expect my attendants to do that.

I didn't take a purse.

I can go to the bathroom myself. I could never figure out why a bride needs help with that.

 

[jel0511]

AND, the bride and groom are NOT the hosts of this "party". If you read most wedding invitations, it is the parents of both parties that invite you to "witness" the marriage of their children. So, if anyone is a HOST, it's the parents or whomever is extending the invitation to you.

Actually, that's incorrect. My invitations were worded "Brides name, and Grooms name request the honour of your presence at their marriage....." Our parents names weren't even on the invitation. Proper wedding invitation wording dictates whomever is paying for the wedding, are the hosts of the party. Since we paid for our entire wedding, we were the hosts, and our invitation was worded as so.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I've been reading these posts and I think a major point in the OP has been confused. I don't think that anyone was asking (or should ask) a bride to change her plans for her wedding day. However, if you know you wouldn't be comfortable participating you shouldn't. If I had a friend who couldn't understand that I didn't want to be an attendant even though I love them and respect their wishes, then I wouldn't consider that person to be a very good friend.

 

[gina2000]

Hey, DrTomorrow.....thanks for taking up for me while I was gone! LOL LOL LOL

Truthfully, I would never want to make any member of my bridal party uncomfortable. If in fact I had, it was not a purposeful act nor was it done with intent. However much it was "my day", I still felt the need to throw a party that the majority of my guests would enjoy. That included worrying about seating, choice of food, and a band that didn't blast out any of the elder guests' ears. I planned those details very carefully and I managed to compromise whenever I could. When I could not compromise (choice of date and time), I did my best to try to pick something that worked for myself, my husband and my guests. They are, after all, my guests.

Which leads me to another point. You can't have it both ways. If the parents of the couple are paying, they can compromise your wishes if they choose. If you are paying, you can do as you would like, but in my mind's eye, the guests' comfort and enjoyment is of paramount importance. Sorry if you all feel that the bride's desires are more important than her guests' comfort. I don't subscribe to that theory. If you are pointing the "ME, ME, ME" finger, that is about as selfish as it gets.

I would rather an attendant forego the honor and enjoy the party rather than me put her in an uncomfortable position. The OP talked about her discomfort due to seating arrangements.....what if it had been about money? Or personal relationships with other members of the bridal party? Are they not good enough reasons to decline an honor? Or is there no reason to decline it?

I stand by my opinion. I'd rather have a friend be honest than miserable. Again, JMHO.

 

[SilverLily]

Originally posted by gina2000
I stand by my opinion. I'd rather have a friend be honest than miserable. Again, JMHO.

I agree. But what I am not getting is the fact that someone is "miserable" just because they are not sitting next to their SO for an hour or so. Really...isn't that just a minor inconvenience? I would hope that any friend of mine wouldn't decline to be an attendant because of a minor inconvenience.

 

[gina2000]

SilverLily......for some reason, it was not a minor inconvenience to the OP.

I have a short story to tell. When I was inviting people to my wedding, I'll never forget one of my closest friends asking me to invite her with a guest. We were pretty broke at the time and I wasn't going to invite her with a guest and wanted to seat her at a singles table. She wasn't dating at the time but she just needed that security blanket so badly. I'll never forget the look on her face when she told me how absolutely miserable she was at a wedding when she had no one to be with. I felt terribly about it and, of course, invited her with a guest. To this day I have no idea who she brought with her.....nor did I care. I wanted the day to be special for her, also.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Originally posted by Pin Wizard
LOL! Outdated. I would refer to NOT sitting at a head table as "space age" or something similar.

LOL! I didn't realize I was far advanced when I got married 11 years ago. I'm usually so far behind. We had a sweetheart's table for the two of us. But our wedding party was small anyway. It was my brother and sister, DH's two brothers, my sister in law, and my best friend (her husband was at the wedding, but not in the party). At the reception the rest of the wedding party was seated with family or friends where they would be most comfortable. It worked out well for us. I would have felt bad separating my friend from her husband especially since she was the only non-family wedding party member.

I can understand not wanting to be at an affair and away from anyone I knew.

 

[SilverLily]

Originally posted by gina2000
SilverLily......for some reason, it was not a minor inconvenience to the OP.

I have a short story to tell. When I was inviting people to my wedding, I'll never forget one of my closest friends asking me to invite her with a guest. We were pretty broke at the time and I wasn't going to invite her with a guest and wanted to seat her at a singles table.

Eek! I think it is rude to try and guilt people into extending and invitation to a guest of mine. If your friend knew you were broke, she shouldn't have asked to be able to bring a guest (or at the least, she should have offered to pay for him). I don't get why people have to go to a wedding with a date. I can understand bringing an SO, but just asking somebody, anybody, just to have a date? I think that is rude.

 

[zurgswife]

I personally had no head table and no assigned tables...buffet style food and I think everyone had a great time...

 

[kerrynic78]

I just got engaged about 3 weeks ago and the whole head table vs. sweetheart table has been a question of mine. After reading this thread I think I will just fly to Borneo and elope!!

 

[DrTomorrow]

Originally posted by kerrynic78
After reading this thread I think I will just fly to Borneo and elope!!

But will your attendants be responsible for buying your plane tickets?

 

[AlexandNessa]

Goodness gracious! Perhaps I should have started this thread on the Debate Board instead. Imagine my surprise when I returned to the DisBoards and found 5 pages worth of replies. I honestly didn't mean to create quite the stir.

Yes, I agree that it's the Bride and Groom's wedding. No, I certainly never asked or expected them to change their minds about a head table. I was honest with the Bride about being uncomfortable -- afterall, if all I know is the Bride, and all my BF knows is me, that's a whole day of being uncomfortable -- from getting our hair done, the ceremony, pictures, the cocktail party, and finally dinner and dessert. It may not sound like a big deal to you, but I've certainly played the part for other friends and secretly wished that I'd declined their offers to be in their weddings. And, yes, my BF is shy. Also, since some of you asked, we did book our cruise (along with 3 other couples) before she told me of her wedding plans. The cruise we canceled to attend her wedding (losing a great deal too, bummer, but that's neither here nor there -- nor is the next time us 4 couples can get together for a whole week is 2005, but I digress).

The fact is, the Bride appreciated my honesty and would rather me be comfortable and have a good time at her wedding, celebrating her happiness with my own LOML. I am there for her and continue to be there for her in other ways. Our friendship is stronger that being in each other's weddings, and I wish all who responded (kind, gentle, hostile, and otherwise) a happy wedding, marriage, whether past, present, future, big wedding or small, head table, sweetheart table or otherwise. May God, or Pixie Dust, or whoever you do or don't believe in, look down upon you and bless you and your families, present and future.

 

[ScarletIndigo]

Thank goodness for the DIS boards. Now a detail about my future wedding that I thought was small (whether or not to have a head table) has been put in much greater perspective. Because of what I've read here, I know I will absolutely NOT have a head table. I completely agree with every point that DrTomorrow and several others have made: A wedding day (particularly the reception following the ceremony) is NOT solely about the bride and groom, it's a day of celebration meant to be shared by friends and family alike. A bride and groom who craft a wedding celebration that SOLELY revolves around their own joy, comfort and desires is doing their guests and attendants a disservice, and -- as DrTomorrow so eloquently put it -- probably owes them an apology.

FOJMO: The attendants at a wedding ceremony AND reception have duties to attend to ...

FOJMO, your list of wedding rules nearly made me want to reach for a calendar and check which century we were in. Give me a break! Those "rules" read like an etiquette book from the 1940s, which is probably where you pulled them from. These are just CLASSIC!

The maid of honor or one of the bride's attendants would help her to the restroom and make sure her gown, etc. was straight and "down" when she exited back to the reception.

Since the tender age of three, I've been fully capable of using the restroom myself. And I hardly think I need the female members of my wedding party hovering around me to ensure that my wedding dress is "down" before I re-enter the reception. Just give me one stall and a mirror to check my dress status in and I'm good to go. I guess I'm one of those new-fangled "independent" types, eh?

Both male and female attendants should help (along with the servers) to pass out the pieces of cake to the guests.

Last time I checked, a member of the wedding party shouldn't have to double as a waiter. That's what the "servers" are for, aren't they?

The bride and groom visit each table, but they may not, due to lengthy conversations, get to each table timely. The attendants help with this and to make introductions when they can.

I'm sorry, but this is just ridiculous. Unless there are 1000+ people at the reception, each and every guest should be greeted and thanked for attending by the bride and groom PERSONALLY. Even if it's just a "thank you" and a handshake or hug, a guest certainly deserves SOME kind of interaction with the happy couple, if they were invited to be there.

Guests at the reception should always be able to approach any of the attendants to ask questions about procedure, and not bother the bride/groom with details.

Sheesh, it sounds like members of the wedding party are expected to act like WDW cast members! Come on now! What's next, helping the GUESTS to the restroom as well?

The attendants can have a good time, but they also are there to make the day/evening detail-free for the bride and groom.

This is my absolute favorite. After all the other rules and requirements expected of a member of the wedding party, they "CAN" have a good time, as long as it doesn't interfere with the bride and groom's "detail-free" night? Unbelievable!

Here's an idea -- hire a competent wedding planner, and have all the details taken care of BEFORE the wedding. Hire servers for the cake, hire attendants for the reception hall to answer any questions the guests may have, and for goodness sake, plan a reception that ALL the guests can enjoy!

FOJMO, thank you for reminding me that weddings and receptions CAN be archaic and bound by outdated rules of etiquette, but they don't HAVE to be. That being said, a good time will be had by ALL who come to my wedding, because they won't be expected to attend to my every need and sacrifice their own good time for my own happiness, comfort and desires. And for anyone who manages to have a less-than perfect time, I'll be happy to furnish them a copy of your "rules" and let them see the time they could have been "enjoying". I'm sure there will be no complaints after that!

 

[ScarletIndigo]

Originally posted by AlexandNessa
The fact is, the Bride appreciated my honesty and would rather me be comfortable and have a good time at her wedding, celebrating her happiness with my own LOML.

Bless your heart for being honest with your friend and caring about the feelings of your BF as much as you did. He's a very lucky man, and your friend is just as lucky for having someone like you who cancelled a birthday cruise specifically to be there for her on her special day.

Ignore the folks on this thread who put tradition before guests' feelings. I agree with you 100% and hope you and your BF have a great time at the wedding TOGETHER, and also get to enjoy a cruise together sometime in the not-too-distant future. Have fun at Universal Studios next month!

 

[disykat]

I don't think anyone here thinks the bride and groom plan things to purposely make people miserable. As I've tried to point out before, they could have been getting pressure from others to have a head table - who knows? There is no way to please everyone and obviously the OP and the bride found a way to work it out.

I still maintain that the bride and groom can not possibly take everyone's needs into account and all they can do is plan the best they can. One vegetarian shouldn't dictate the menu, they should just skip the chicken!

 

[SilverLily]

Exactly, disykat. Some of these posts make it sound like the bride was asking for a pint of blood from each guest. Geez...all she wanted was for her friend to be an attendant at her wedding and to have her sit at the head table. Any of my friends would do this in a heartbeat for me, as I would for them. And we would still manage to have fun while doing it!