Head Tables at Weddings

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Originally posted by FOJMO
The attendants at a wedding ceremony AND reception have duties to attend to -- they may differ according to custom, etc. These may include, but are not limited to:

- The maid of honor or one of the bride's attendants would help her to the restroom and make sure her gown, etc. was straight and "down" when she exited back to the reception. They may carry the bride's purse with makeup, tissues, medications, etc.

- Both male and female attendants should help (along with the servers) to pass out the pieces of cake to the guests.

- Both male and female attendants should help to greet each table and make sure everyone is having a good time and has everything they need. The bride and groom also visit each table, but they may not, due to lengthy conversations, get to each table timely. The attendants help with this and to make introductions when they can.

- The groomsmen make sure that the car that has been arranged to whisk the happy couple away when they leave the reception is there for them.

- The bride and groom rarely stay for the entire reception. When they leave, it's up to the attendants to make sure the guests are taken care of and tend to any financial responsibilities that the bride/groom asked them to with the dining establishment (bar tab, band/orchestra).

Wow! I can't say that my bridal party did any of these things! Now I feel gypted and want to do it all over again.

I do have to say that I understand the needing someone to help with the bathroom. That dress was big and poofy and difficult to manage in the bathroom.

 

[Tesabat]

Hello all - I can't say I post here - much...don't - but "discovered" this area when a bunch of people sent me a happy birthday. (I thought that was kinda cool BTW!) Stumbled on this post...

First - I don't think what the OP did was that big of a problem. She told them upfront, hey - I don't share the same "head table" values you do - and I love you - but, I'd just as soon bow out and spend time with my BF. They said - OKay - and maybe we can fit you in somewhere else as an "invited guest" that does a special reading or something. Kind of an "in-between" special person. That seems like a fair arrangement to me.

As far as the whole controversey about what's right, and what is not right, and what's traditional, and what's not traditional. Well, that has a whole heck of a lot to do with the Bride and Groom in each individual circumstance, doesn't it? And, even then....when it comes the day of your wedding?? It doesn't really matter. You can't change people to suit the needs of your wedding. You just can't do it.

Someone posted to the OP - well - your gonna have to grow up and discover the world doesn't revolve around you. Well, hello, the bride and groom ALSO have to discover the world doesn't revolve around them! Nope - not even for one day.

Would it be NICE if everyone did what the B & G wanted for one day. Yes, it would. Really nice and really terrific. And, there's probably families and times when that happens. That's wonderful! Are there gonna be more times when that doesn't happen? You betcha!!

IMHO - Weddings were invented so that you can discover just how difficult pulling together the rest of your life will be. I think the wedding that follows all the "rules" perfectly is truly the minority. It's the challenges - and hopefully, the (future) chuckles, that we remember.

 

[disykat]

So true, Tesabat!

This thread is cracking me up! It's all about how an individual sees things. I consider myself way to independent to be "given away" or do a "unity candle", but I wouldn't hesitate a bit to ask my best friend to help me keep my wedding dress from ending up in the toilet! Fortunately for me they would have been right there offering - trying to do what ever it took for me to have a great day.

 

[gina2000]

Originally posted by SilverLily
Eek! I think it is rude to try and guilt people into extending and invitation to a guest of mine. If your friend knew you were broke, she shouldn't have asked to be able to bring a guest (or at the least, she should have offered to pay for him). I don't get why people have to go to a wedding with a date. I can understand bringing an SO, but just asking somebody, anybody, just to have a date? I think that is rude.

She never knew our financial situation. I loved her dearly and wanted her to have a good time on my special day so I made sure that she had the option of having an escort. It mattered to her. And it mattered to me to make her happy. And in the end, isn't that what friendship is all about?

 

[TeresaNJ]

AlexandNessa, I think you're a class act, and a VERY good friend, as obviously, the bride-to-be does also. Although you initially only mentioned the discomfort of sitting separately from your BF during dinner, you didn't mention all the time you'd be away from him before the wedding getting ready with the bridesmaids, the picture taking before and after the wedding, and during all the activities that take place during the reception such as the throwing of the bouquet, gathering to cut the cake, etc. I can only imagine how lonely and uncomfortable your BF would have been not knowing anyone but you, and especially the fact that you yourself know no one but the bride. He would have been on his own much longer than an hour or so. The fact that he didn't mind cancelling that very special cruise with people you both are friends with shows how much he cares for you. It is one thing to have to be on your own for much of the wedding day, but if you know others at the wedding, it's not so bad. To know no one, I shudder at the thought. Congratulations on speaking your mind and being honest with your friend. You'll have lots less sleepless nights if you continue to do what is right for you and not do what everyone else thinks is right for you.

 

[KrnB]

Originally posted by ScarletIndigo
Since the tender age of three, I've been fully capable of using the restroom myself. And I hardly think I need the female members of my wedding party hovering around me to ensure that my wedding dress is "down" before I re-enter the reception. Just give me one stall and a mirror to check my dress status in and I'm good to go. I guess I'm one of those new-fangled "independent" types, eh?

Ha ha ha... you've never worn a wedding gown. Trust me, unless you go with a small dress with only a couple thin layers of fabric, there is no way you can hold all of that up long enough to get your underwear down and go. It is definitely humbling but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And a bride can always use a little bit of humility on her wedding day - not all out embarrassment of course, but a little humility.

AlexandNessa, I'm glad your friend was OK with you turning down a major honor for something like the head table. As a recent bride, I personally would have been hurt if one of my closest friends in the entire world (which they are otherwise I wouldn't have asked them to stand up for me) had turned me down for any reason, but especially for something trivial. I would have accepted it and tried to find a way to still include them, but it would have hurt me inside.

Why did we have a head table at our wedding? Because our guests wanted to be able to see us. They don't want our backs to them or to have to see around Aunt Edna's big hair. Guests feel like they are a part of the wedding celebration when they can see what is going on.

And DH & I truly enjoyed having a special meal with our closest friends. To us, they were closer than family, since our families were a few yards away. We had a great time chatting throughout the entire meal. Before and after dinner, our wedding party spent the time doing whatever they wanted to do with whomever they wished. We just asked for 2 hours out of the entire evening to be spent with us. (Forcing the wedding party to dance with only the wedding party like someone mentioned earlier, however, is ridiculous.)

For the dates, well, my matron of honor was my cousin, and her DH sat with our family. The BM brought a guy friend of his (trust me, he would NOT have been interested in a sweetheart's table, nor would the two other attendents that didn't bring anyone), and we had him sit at a table with a few people that we figured he would at least find entertaining even if he wasn't directly participating in the conversation. It wasn't ideal, but we did the best we could to keep him from being too bored.

 

[Tesabat]

disykat posted but I wouldn't hesitate a bit to ask my best friend to help me keep my wedding dress from ending up in the toilet

KrnB Ha ha ha... you've never worn a wedding gown.

SO funny and SO true

.... I went to the bathroom with my "maid in honor" sister who thought I might need help. I said, NO - I think I know what I'm doing!!...went into the stall...and ended up yelling - Help, help....I can't hold up all this material!! You know, the material (that was your train) the sales lady showed you that easily bundled into the back of your dress and "out of the way" while you danced? Well, it was out of the way while I danced - but it was NOT out of the way when I went 1:1 with that stall!! It was a very good lesson in "removable" trains!

To this DAY we laugh about all the times by BIG sister had to help me go to the bathroom...including my wedding day!!

 

[katerkat]

*shakes head* I still can't believe there are people who TRIED to go potty in their dress! I just held it!

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by disykat
One vegetarian shouldn't dictate the menu, they should just skip the chicken!

What does this have to do with anything? If you had a friend or family member that you know is vegetarian, you wouldn't ask the hall to serve him/her a vegetarian dinner? Why should that person not have a full meal? Not to mention that the gravy from the chicken or beef could easily run into the vegetables rendering them inedible to a vegetarian. So, now you're not feeding your guests?

 

[FOJMO]

Originally posted by ScarletIndigo
FOJMO, your list of wedding rules nearly made me want to reach for a calendar and check which century we were in. Give me a break! Those "rules" read like an etiquette book from the 1940s, which is probably where you pulled them from. These are just CLASSIC!

You're right about being CLASSIC -- "classy" weddings usually are. Maybe your "neck of the woods" is precisely that!

I guess I'm one of those new-fangled "independent" types, eh?

"New-fangled" -- who's being archaic here? Unless you plan on wearing an extremely simple dress for your upcoming wedding, good luck going to the bathroom. Others have also responded that they needed help even when they thought they could be "independent".

Last time I checked, a member of the wedding party shouldn't have to double as a waiter. That's what the "servers" are for, aren't they?

Waiters, no. Attendants, yes. This is called graciousness. It adds that pesonal touch.

I'm sorry, but this is just ridiculous. Unless there are 1000+ people at the reception, each and every guest should be greeted and thanked for attending by the bride and groom PERSONALLY. Even if it's just a "thank you" and a handshake or hug, a guest certainly deserves SOME kind of interaction with the happy couple, if they were invited to be there.

I never said that the bride and groom would not/should not visit every table/person. I said they may not be able to get there in a timely fashion. So, the attendants can help greet, talk to people until they can get there themselves.


This is my absolute favorite. After all the other rules and requirements expected of a member of the wedding party, they "CAN" have a good time, as long as it doesn't interfere with the bride and groom's "detail-free" night? Unbelievable!


Attending to the bride/groom is something the attendants should do as their friend/family. It's something they should WANT to be doing. It is never meant to be looked upon as "work". Even though I referred to it as a duty, maybe that's too strong of a word for it. It is part of why the bride/groom asked you to be in their wedding party. Not just to dress up and smile for the pictures.

Here's an idea -- hire a competent wedding planner, and have all the details taken care of BEFORE the wedding. Hire servers for the cake, hire attendants for the reception hall to answer any questions the guests may have, and for goodness sake, plan a reception that ALL the guests can enjoy!

Well, there's not many people I know that can afford to hire a wedding planner. And this so-called wedding planner cannot possibly be everywhere either, unless you're paying for a full staff to do so. Again, that's why you ask your friends/family to be your attendants, so they can be your representative and keep you from stressing out over minor details throughout your wedding.

a good time will be had by ALL who come to my wedding, because they won't be expected to attend to my every need and sacrifice their own good time for my own happiness, comfort and desires.

By all means, have a terrific time at your wedding. But if you have attendants that don't see what they need to be doing to help you and the groom, then good luck! Unless you have the patience of a saint, you'de be happy to have someone helping you instead of just being cutouts in matching dresses sitting at your non-existent head table.

Oh, and you'd better not drink anything the entire day. Or you may find yourself stuck in a restroom stall, being "independent", and wishing you had octopus-like arms and good aim!

 

[RUDisney]

I had a big, poofy gown with a big, poofy slip under it, and a long train that was fastened up in the back.

I successfully peed by myself... and not in a handicapped stall, I might add. Really, it wasn't that hard.

 

[Aurora63]

Why am I replying here? Asking for trouble, I guess.

Anyway, we are having our VR later this year (hopefully), and I have decided not to have a head table. I just don't like the division it seems to imply. Of course, I am also having a small VR,with maybe 25 guests, so it makes more sense for DH and I to sit with them.

A friend of mine had the sweetheart table at her wedding, and I didn't like it at all. They seemed very uncomfortable being alone at this itty-bitty table in front of everyone.

Though, back on topic, you can pretty much do whatever you want at your wedding, whether it be the "classic" rules or te avant gard. Though I think having happy, comfortable guests is most important no matter what you do. I mean, many of them drove or travelled far, bought you an expensive gift...why shouldn't they be comfy. I think the OP did the right thing here, and I'm glad the bride was level headed enough to see that!

 

[SilverLily]

Originally posted by RUDisney
I had a big, poofy gown with a big, poofy slip under it, and a long train that was fastened up in the back.

I successfully peed by myself... and not in a handicapped stall, I might add. Really, it wasn't that hard.

Wow! Not only did you satisfy EVERY SINGLE ONE of your guests, but you can also pee by yourself in your wedding gown. Maybe you should teach classes on how to throw the perfect wedding!

Seriously, you may not think it is hard to pee by yourself in a wedding dress, but others do. Are you implying that they are lying? Are you implying that the help wasn't necessary and they recruited help just because? You must be implying this, because you obviously think everyone can do it on their own. I'm sure given the choice, most people would rather pee by themselves.

 

[RUDisney]

Actually, I can see some people needing assistance, especially if the gown is made of tulle. BUT, I've also seen alot of people (brides) who relish the attention and assume that they can't pee by themselves because others have needed help. It just helps to put them more in the limelight. I applaud those who at least attempted to go it alone before seeking help.

BTW, the smokers at my wedding were not jumping up and down with joy, because I made sure that they had to go outside to smoke. I didn't want to help kill us, or our other guests with second hand smoke.

Aurora, what's a VR?

 

[grinningghost]

I went to 2 weddings this summer and both had head tables. When I was younger, I was a bridesmaid at a few weddings and never liked the head table thing. Another reason I got married at City Hall.

 

[disykat]

Originally posted by RUDisney
What does this have to do with anything? If you had a friend or family member that you know is vegetarian, you wouldn't ask the hall to serve him/her a vegetarian dinner? Why should that person not have a full meal? Not to mention that the gravy from the chicken or beef could easily run into the vegetables rendering them inedible to a vegetarian. So, now you're not feeding your guests?

My point is that there is no way you can please everyone. You've already admitted you made smokers go outside. What did you do about diabetics, people who don't eat carbs, people who don't care for chicken?... Of course, a good host tries to accomodate the needs of their guests, but there's no way they can anticipate all of them.

As for whether I fed my guests - no I didn't. We had a small cake and punch reception after the service. It never even occured to me that it was my job to feed everyone. I think this is a regional thing. I've seen a lot more weddings with food and a rented hall in the last 10 years though. I guess I'm not really qualified to participate in this thread because in my world, sharing the wedding with your close friends/family is still the focus - not making sure everyone has the time of their lives at your party.

 

[RUDisney]

You're right about it being a regional thing. I went to my first cake and punch reception in 1990 in Nashville. I had never been to a wedding that didn't have dancing, liquor, or a meal before that. Before anyone thinks I'm judging that, it was lovely, just not what I had ever been to before.

As you would not have thought to feed your guests, I would not have thought to not feed them. We actually, painstakingly decided on our menu. It was a recipe that I concocted for the chef to make. I did take into account people's eating habits, as a whole for this region. No, you can't please everyone, but you can sure please the majority. I still, after 10 years, get compliments from our guests on how lovely everything was and how they couldn't believe what a wonderful meal I created with the chef.

Oh, and the majority of my guests were happy that the 5 or so smokers were sent outside. It was the first time most had seen that done, and thought it was a great idea. Most of our siblings and cousins have done the same thing since then.

 

[disykat]

Exactly my point - you try to please the majority. What I have reacted to on this thread is that people seem to thing the bridal couple are out to only please themselves if they plan what they want and neglect to anticipate the needs of any one person (for example: not realizing that the SO of one of their attendants may be unhappy not sitting next to their SO)

A change of subject here -- I also feel differently from others here in that when I go to an event with my dh where he has responsibilities - I feel like I'm just there to support him - having a good time would be an unexpected bonus. Whether that means I sit in the car with the babies, by myself at a table, or hiding in the bathroom, killing time because I'm uncomfortable. He's done the same for me - we've both taken our turns going to weddings where we know no one, work events, a ceremony where one of us is getting an award etc. etc.

 

[ScarletIndigo]

This "debate" stuff is fun -- and this isn't even the Debate Board!

RUDisney: I had a big, poofy gown with a big, poofy slip under it, and a long train that was fastened up in the back. I successfully peed by myself... and not in a handicapped stall, I might add. Really, it wasn't that hard.

You go girl! I feel sorry for all the other ladies whose dresses were so unwieldly that they needed a flock of attendents to help them use the restroom.

FOJMO: You're right about being CLASSIC -- "classy" weddings usually are. Maybe your "neck of the woods" is precisely that!

Um, I'm confused ... Did you just say that my "neck of the woods" is classy? Isn't that a compliment?

"New-fangled" -- who's being archaic here?

FOJMO, that was a wink to your "old-fangled" etiquette rules. I can see my sense of humor is being lost amidst the rigidity of your wedding day laws. My apologies, ma'am.

I never said that the bride and groom would not/should not visit every table/person. I said they may not be able to get there in a timely fashion. So, the attendants can help greet, talk to people until they can get there themselves.

Okay, agreed. But the comment about the bride and groom being caught up in too many "lengthy conversations" was what got me. The only wedding reception I ever attended had a head table, less than 75 guests (wedding party included), and was held in a somewhat intimate location. Yet I never once got to say hello to the bride outside of the receiving line. She parked herself at the head table having "lengthy conversations" with her wedding party, and left my family and I (who knew no one else at the wedding) feeling like unwelcome outcasts the whole time. In situations where the number of guests is on the lower side, there is no excuse for the bride and groom not greeting -- and particularly THANKING -- all of their guests individually. JMHO.

Attending to the bride/groom is something the attendants should do as their friend/family. It's something they should WANT to be doing. It is never meant to be looked upon as "work". Even though I referred to it as a duty, maybe that's too strong of a word for it. It is part of why the bride/groom asked you to be in their wedding party. Not just to dress up and smile for the pictures.

I highly disagree. When you ask someone to be in your wedding party, it should be because you love them, care about them, and want to share your wedding day with them in a very special way. You should NOT ask because you think you'll need the help and since they're a close friend or family member, they wouldn't mind attending to your every need. I want my wedding party to have fun dressing up, enjoy smiling for the pictures, and more importantly, play an important part in what's sure to be the most amazing day of my life. Asking these people to be servers, greeters, question answerers, dress fixers, bathroom helpers, and a plethora of other roles is unfair. I think of members of the wedding party as GUESTS first and foremost -- and very special ones at that -- and I would never ask those things of a guest. If I ask my mother to be there with me when I have my first child, it will be because I want her to share in the joy of the moment, not because I want her to deliver the baby herself.

By all means, have a terrific time at your wedding. But if you have attendants that don't see what they need to be doing to help you and the groom, then good luck! Unless you have the patience of a saint, you'de be happy to have someone helping you instead of just being cutouts in matching dresses sitting at your non-existent head table.

I intend to have a terrific time at my wedding someday, thank you. But I'd rather not have attendants at all than have a group of my closest family and friends feeling more like they were hired help than guests.

I sincerely hope that you profusely thanked and hopefully gave gifts of appreciation to each and every person who was a member of your wedding party. Sounds like they deserved it for all the things they did for you.

 

[ChibiJones]

But what I am not getting is the fact that someone is "miserable" just because they are not sitting next to their SO for an hour or so. Really...isn't that just a minor inconvenience?

It depends on the type of reception. The last one we were at was a several course French meal. The bride's father is a gourmet chef, so the food was excellent. But, the meal lasted several hours & we were in our seats the entire time. We finally had to leave after about 4-5 hours, and they still hadn't gotten to dessert.

I am so thankful that my BF & I were seated together because our table mates left alot to be desired. At least being together, we could somewhat drown out all the inane comments. For example, when the "trophy" girlfriend left to use the restroom, her boyfriend announced that she was probably going to throw up the two bites of food she had eaten.

The length of the meal & the schmuck at my table would have made sitting alone much more than a minor inconvenience. It would have been pure torture. And, knowing the bride, she would have seen that & felt horrible.