He walked on out us.

[rowbear]

Talking to a lawyer is a big step and something that most people don't do on a whim. I think I agree with you.

It depends on how much he actually consulted with the lawyer. He seems non committal which either means he wants her to make an aggressive move or he is stalling because he doesn't want to have the actual its over conversation.

 

[turkeymama]

It depends on how much he actually consulted with the lawyer. He seems non committal which either means he wants her to make an aggressive move or he is stalling because he doesn't want to have the actual its over conversation.

Good point.

 

[Disney Doll]

And I wouldn't risk my or my child's security by trying to psychoanalyze what his motive might be.

He might be depressed, he might be looking for the OP to make an aggressive move, he might be thinking differently now that he is out of the house....he might, or might not, be a lot of things.

The OP taking measures to protect herself and her child is not going to preclude them working on their marriage, if they both so desire. If her husband is having a "lapse" of some sort, when he "comes back to earth" he shouldn't be offended or hurt at her attempt to protect and provide for her & their child. She is going to fix it so that a man who is bad at money management can't do any more financial damage than he may have already done, she is going to educate herself about where they stand overall financially, she is going to protect her and her child's assets, she is going to monitor her health status.

 

[Quiksilvr]

As a lawyer, would you not suggest that she speak to a divorce lawyer before she proceeds with anything? I mean, are there things that she could do with the money that would make her look bad? Or is there a better way to take care of these things that will protect her but not look like she is out to get him either?

Well, as a lawyer, I always recommend talking to other lawyers about legal problems. It's good for business . Seriously though, if he has taken the step of contacting a lawyer, it is definitely wise to locate one to represent your own interests.

Cancelling credit cards or trying to prevent them from being opened in your name is fine. I don't see any problem with that since it's trying to limit your exposure to liability and arguably isn't costing anyone anything.

As far as the money is concerned... here is the thing. The legal eagle side of me says that in the OP's situation she is likely entitled to half of the marital assets, and thus, in the due course of time she would be able to get at those assets through the divorce process even if he takes the money and runs with it. The practical side of me knows that it's a lot easier to appropriate your half up front than it is to get someone to cough it up later when they don't really want to. It's just as much her money as it is his, and she's the one taking care of the kids. So long as she doesn't try to take it all, I think she's okay. I obviously recommend asking a divorce lawyer about that in advance but my hunches are as follows: (i) by the time you get around to it it may be too late, and (ii) I think the divorce lawyer would likely say the same thing I said.

I think you can use what Montaigne called "gracious severity." Acknowledge that the other side may have a point, but be stern in protecting yourself and don't back down in front of the mob. The way you present yourself in this will go a long way in determining the outcome. Don't let anyone roll you over. The negotiations can come later in the divorce (or even reconciliation) process.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If he has spoken with a lawyer, then, that is it.... Period.... He is serious about this, no matter how 'noncommital' he may appear.... The last thing I would want to advise is to be a doormat and accept this kind of thing like a doormat. Like one other poster just said... living like that is like always waiting for the other shoe to drop... I would be asking myself if this was the kind of marriage that I wanted to save. Obviously, counseling has not been effective.

If I thought that my husband contacted a lawyer, then I would be seeking the best legal counsel that I could, immediately. I would take all the recommended steps to protect myself and my children's interests.

That is not paranoia, that is a completely reasonable response.
It is, IMHO, a very necessary response.

OP, if he has seen a lawyer (and even if he is bluffing, that is almost WORSE) then please take the advice given here.

I know it feels like your world is ending, and you are hurting....
Things WILL get better!!!!

 

[rowbear]

If he has spoken with a lawyer, then, that is it.... Period.... He is serious about this, no matter how 'noncommital' he may appear.... The last thing I would want to advise is to be a doormat and accept this kind of thing like a doormat. Like one other poster just said... living like that is like always waiting for the other shoe to drop... I would be asking myself if this was the kind of marriage that I wanted to save. Obviously, counseling has not been effective.

If I thought that my husband contacted a lawyer, then I would be seeking the best legal counsel that I could, immediately. I would take all the recommended steps to protect myself and my children's interests.

That is not paranoia, that is a completely reasonable response.
It is, IMHO, a very necessary response.

OP, if he has seen a lawyer (and even if he is bluffing, that is almost WORSE) then please take the advice given here.

I know it feels like your world is ending, and you are hurting....
Things WILL get better!!!!

No one is suggesting that she not get a lawyer and take steps to protect herself. All I am saying that if he seems non-commital there still may be some hope assuming she wants him back. I also think she should make him feel like a heel because he deserves it.

It appears that he is a selfish self-absorbed person who puts his own needs above his family and that makes me angry. If he were my friend I would be out kicking his rear right now.

 

[Serena]

There are a lot of worse case scenarios mentioned in these circumstances because no one wants it to happen to anyone else.

I was fortunate that none of it applied to me. I did take precautions though. And I did get tested, I knew he hadn't physically cheated on me before he left, so it was probably just to hurt him. It was the only thing I really did that I knew would hurt him.

The person he left me for, he left after a few months. Yes, he left a 23 yo marriage for something that looked alot better than it turned out to be. Big mistake and he knows it.


OP, take care of yourself and your kids. Prepare yourself for the worse, it is better to be safe than sorry. You two may work this out, you don't have to give up on hope, if that is what you want.

 

[Disney Doll]

In these situations I always say "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best".

By taking steps to protect herself financially & physically, she is preparing for the worst. That will not stop her from hoping for the best, and if she & estranged husband are willing to work at it, there's nothing that says that this thing can't be fixed. Her having a handle on finances, especially since he is not good with money, and having a handle on her personal health situation is not a bad thing, for her personally or for their marriage.

 

[luvsJack]

Just a note to the OP, contacting a lawyer does not mean the marriage is over. His contacting one doesn't mean it and neither does your contacting one.

I have talked to a lawyer during my marriage. I thought that at the very least a separation may be pending and I needed to know my options. We didn't separate, the marriage is fine and we plan to be together for a very long time. So, to think "well, that's it; marriage over" is jumping a bit too far.

There is nothing wrong with speaking to the lawyer and taking some steps to protect yourself. Would I go so far that I made it almost impossible to take it all back and reconcile? Not unless I knew for sure that I didn't want a reconciliation. And only you know how far that is for your husband or for you. I am just saying, don't go so far as to make him think that you don't want him to come back, unless that is what you want.

Also, protect yourself but you can still communicate with him. This was the life of two people and as it is changing it helps if both have some control of that change. It is much more productive if the two of you can make some agreements especially on the financial end of things.

I just hate to see people fighting their way through a divorce (it is horrible on the kids) and know that if it can be made easier it should be.

 

[Maddykins06]

Thank you all again for your wonderful support & advice! As evidenced by the jumbled title of my OP - I haven't been thinking clearly.

As for finances, I'm pretty set on those. I'm INCREDIBLY anal & update my Excel budget spreadsheet daily. I am the breadwinner & have credit cards in MY name only. I can definitely provide for and manage on my own with my DD.

And I am seeing a therapist by myself (our marriage therapist who knows all of our history)

I WILL contact a lawyer. I have too many questions to ignore this advice.
And I need to start taking better care of myself. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

It just hurts so very much right now. I cannot believe this is happening...AGAIN! (meaning the money lies & betrayal, not the walk out)...but I do still love him. However, I won't even consider taking him back until he seeks therapy for a quite a while.

Thank you all again for helping me remain sane during this & assisting me to focus during a craptastic time.

 

[rowbear]

Just a note to the OP, contacting a lawyer does not mean the marriage is over. His contacting one doesn't mean it and neither does your contacting one.

Exactly. If he is a decent man that was raised with a good value system he should be struggling with this decision. At some point he should be worried about what friends and family will think of him if he does this and worried that he may not be able to get over the guilt.

If there is another woman she will push him through it. If he is on his own there may be some hope.

 

[luvsJack]

And I need to start taking better care of myself. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

It just hurts so very much right now. I cannot believe this is happening...AGAIN! (meaning the money lies & betrayal, not the walk out)...but I do still love him. However, I won't even consider taking him back until he seeks therapy for a quite a while.

Take care of yourself and work on getting through the hurt right now. You are financially able to support yourself, you don't have to worry about the credit cards, so don't worry about all that right now. Do what ever it takes to get yourself through this emotionally. Its good that you are seeing a therapist. And I am glad you say you won't take him back unless he seeks therapy. Stay strong.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am soooo sorry that you are hurting!!!

But, I am glad you replied/updated.
You are on the right track.

All we can do is send as many as possible.

You sound like a great person.
We are all sending you our very best wishes.

 

[Disney Doll]

Thank you all again for your wonderful support & advice! As evidenced by the jumbled title of my OP - I haven't been thinking clearly.

As for finances, I'm pretty set on those. I'm INCREDIBLY anal & update my Excel budget spreadsheet daily. I am the breadwinner & have credit cards in MY name only. I can definitely provide for and manage on my own with my DD.

And I am seeing a therapist by myself (our marriage therapist who knows all of our history)

I WILL contact a lawyer. I have too many questions to ignore this advice.
And I need to start taking better care of myself. I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

It just hurts so very much right now. I cannot believe this is happening...AGAIN! (meaning the money lies & betrayal, not the walk out)...but I do still love him. However, I won't even consider taking him back until he seeks therapy for a quite a while.

Thank you all again for helping me remain sane during this & assisting me to focus during a craptastic time.

Good about the finances. Just keep an eye on any liquid assets.

Good about insisting on counselling for him and very glad to hear that you are doing counselling too.

Best of luck!

 

[DisneyBlonde]

{{{Maddykins}}}

 

[Chicago526]

I think that both parts of your post exhibit a level of paranoia that would be unnecessary in nearly all circumstances.

If the OP has no reason to believe that the husband has been cheating on her, there is no need to run out and get tested. Further, I suspect that the OP is qualified to determine whether her husband would attempt to steal her childern's identity.

You're right, it does sound a bit paranoid. But I'd rather over react a bit and look a bit sheepish, than find out later I had every reason to be worried. When it comes to finances and health, you can't afford to wait until it's too late.

Pulling her kids credit and putting a fraud aleart on it is relatively harmless, all it costs her is time. Getting a health exam is something every woman should do yearly anyway, and again I see no harm in getting one early than usual, and adding in a few tests just to be certain.

My BF's sister is married to a man that just lost full custody of his child from his first marriage, because he did not file ASAP when his 1st wife abandoned them. Had he filed right away, he would have likely been able to retain full physical custody. Now he has to pay child support to a woman that sends her child to daycare in old clothes that are several sizes too small after blowing her $2800 tax refund on Prada sun glasses and Coach handbags, and only gets to see his daughter three days a week. He's still fighting to get full custody but it will takes years and thousands of dollars to do it, with no guarantees he'll be successful.

Time in these situations can cost a person dearly. I'd rather see this OP make a bunch of appointments she has to cancel than lose out on her rights if things don't work out.

 

[Disney Doll]

As for finances, I'm pretty set on those. I'm INCREDIBLY anal & update my Excel budget spreadsheet daily. I am the breadwinner & have credit cards in MY name only. I can definitely provide for and manage on my own with my DD.

Something I just thought of....does he have any credit cards that you mightnot know about, but that might have your name ont hem?

Would it be prudent to pull a credit report on yourself, just to see what's what?

 

[Maddykins06]

Something I just thought of....does he have any credit cards that you mightnot know about, but that might have your name ont hem?

Would it be prudent to pull a credit report on yourself, just to see what's what?

Well, I get an alert from Equifax whenever something happens to my accounts or a new one is opened, etc. So I guess I would already know, but I am pulling a new credit report right now just to be safe.

Thank you!

 

[veraletta]

So sorry you are hurting, the only thing you can do is just worry about your daughter for now.
My daughter went thru this only she was at school and came home to find their house empty, her husband took anything and every thing of value.

Like I told my daughter you need a lawyer, because is the state of Ohio the first one that files gets the children until they see a judge.
It took a long time to see the judge but at least my daughter had her son until they went to court, while there we saw other girl there who was crying as her husband had their daughter, I asked her if her husband filed first she said yes, that when I told her that in Ohio who ever files first gets to keep the children.
I don't know about your state, but since your husband moved out I think you can pretty much decide that you needs to see a lawyer.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I didn't read all the posts but I wanted to say how very sorry I am for you.