He walked on out us.

[Disney Doll]

I think that both parts of your post exhibit a level of paranoia that would be unnecessary in nearly all circumstances.

If the OP has no reason to believe that the husband has been cheating on her, there is no need to run out and get tested. Further, I suspect that the OP is qualified to determine whether her husband would attempt to steal her childern's identity.

In theory, sbell, I would agree with you.

But, then there's that little "thing" in the back of my mind that says "She thought she knew him well enough to know he'd never walk out and he did that"...IMHO, and note I said IMHO, once someone starts doing things that are "out of character", you (the universal "you", not specifically you sbell) don't really know what else they'd be capable of. I have known many people who have said "My spouse would NEVER do that" only to have said spouse do what they NEVER would do. And that is both men and women...I am not making any of these statements specifically directed at male behavior, because I have had female acquaintances who have done stff that has curled my hair in terms of their marriage and fidelity to their vows!

Anyone, man or woman, whose spouse is capable of "walking out" on them & their kids, is capable of doing anything else they can think of. IMHO, if they can justify leaving, they can justify anything else...extramarital sex, excessive spending, addictions...

In this case of a husband with "champagne taste and a beer pocketbook", him stealing his children's SS # and running up big bills is not out of the realm of possibility. Heck, I used to get CC applications addressed to my dog, because his name was Teddy. It may be an avenue that the OP wasn't thinking about, so it would be good advice. As far as the physical or health concerns...many people who are having marital difficulties seem to think that find "someone else" will be the answer to all their troubles, that it will be "different" with someone else, that someone else isn't going to sit in the den and burp out loud or have PMS & be cranky. So it woud also not be out of the realm of possibility that the OP's estranged husband has had extra-marital liaisions. And again, in the middle of this tempest, would the OP think to monitor herself physically? Perhaps not.

You take some offense to the posts because you are clearly a decent and ethical man, who wouldn't dream of behaving in this manner with regard to your wife & family. Your posts remind me of my own husband...he is always surprised at human nature and how it reacts to things because HE would never dream of behaving in ways that he sees others behaving.

I would still advise the OP to protect herself and her children, physically, financially and in every other way possible. The husband left his wife and his children, which says to me that he has the potential to not contribute to the continued support of the children. If he was able to leave, he might be able to say "She can handle it" especially since, according to th initial post, money management doesn't seem to be a strong point & she has been the one bailing them out. Yes, we are hearing one side of the story and, yes that is the OP's opinion and not necessarily the truth, but, since Dad has left and she is the primary caretaker for those children, her opinion is the one that matters. Physically and financially the OP has to be prepared to take care of the kids, just in case the husband doesn't, because someone will have to. And I would note that her husband has indicated that he has spoken to a lawyer, so he is taking some steps to protect himself, as he should. The OP should do the same.

FTR, I have had male friends whose wives have left and I have given them the exact same advice. When there are children involved, the spouse who may be left being the sole caregiver for the child has to act quickly and do everything possible to protect themselves & their children. And I would agree that doing some "preparatory" or "protective" work need not preclude saving the marriage, if the OP chooses to do so.

 

[ols386]

I'm so sorry for you.

 

[OK!]

I don't have any advice, but .

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

In theory, sbell, I would agree with you.

But, then there's that little "thing" in the back of my mind that says "She thought she knew him well enough to know he'd never walk out and he did that"...IMHO, and note I said IMHO, once someone starts doing things that are "out of character", you (the universal "you", not specifically you sbell) don't really know what else they'd be capable of. I have known many people who have said "My spouse would NEVER do that" only to have said spouse do what they NEVER would do. And that is both men and women...I am not making any of these statements specifically directed at male behavior, because I have had female acquaintances who have done stff that has curled my hair in terms of their marriage and fidelity to their vows!

Anyone, man or woman, whose spouse is capable of "walking out" on them & their kids, is capable of doing anything else they can think of. IMHO, if they can justify leaving, they can justify anything else...extramarital sex, excessive spending, addictions...

In this case of a husband with "champagne taste and a beer pocketbook", him stealing his children's SS # and running up big bills is not out of the realm of possibility. Heck, I used to get CC applications addressed to my dog, because his name was Teddy. It may be an avenue that the OP wasn't thinking about, so it would be good advice. As far as the physical or health concerns...many people who are having marital difficulties seem to think that find "someone else" will be the answer to all their troubles, that it will be "different" with someone else, that someone else isn't going to sit in the den and burp out loud or have PMS & be cranky. So it woud also not be out of the realm of possibility that the OP's estranged husband has had extra-marital liaisions. And again, in the middle of this tempest, would the OP think to monitor herself physically? Perhaps not.

You take some offense to the posts because you are clearly a decent and ethical man, who wouldn't dream of behaving in this manner with regard to your wife & family. Your posts remind me of my own husband...he is always surprised at human nature and how it reacts to things because HE would never dream of behaving in ways that he sees others behaving.

I would still advise the OP to protect herself and her children, physically, financially and in every other way possible. The husband left his wife and his children, which says to me that he has the potential to not contribute to the continued support of the children. If he was able to leave, he might be able to say "She can handle it" especially since, according to th initial post, money management doesn't seem to be a strong point & she has been the one bailing them out. Yes, we are hearing one side of the story and, yes that is the OP's opinion and not necessarily the truth, but, since Dad has left and she is the primary caretaker for those children, her opinion is the one that matters. Physically and financially the OP has to be prepared to take care of the kids, just in case the husband doesn't, because someone will have to. And I would note that her husband has indicated that he has spoken to a lawyer, so he is taking some steps to protect himself, as he should. The OP should do the same.

FTR, I have had male friends whose wives have left and I have given them the exact same advice. When there are children involved, the spouse who may be left being the sole caregiver for the child has to act quickly and do everything possible to protect themselves & their children. And I would agree that doing some "preparatory" or "protective" work need not preclude saving the marriage, if the OP chooses to do so.

Well said, I totally support the safe than sorry attitude expecially in light of any spouse who needs to "find him/herself" is over spending and does not care enough to look beyond the end of his nose to the commitment he made in light of the fact that they have a child. While one would hope the spouse in question is not having an affair I would be willing to bet the farm that it is either an affair OR a change of sexual orientation(do not laugh I have two friends for whom this had been the case with their spouse).

 

[ksjayhawks]

Quote from pearlieq:
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Call a lawyer ASAP. Also, if he's an authorized user on any of your credit cards, cancel his access. Open a new account in your name if needed. Call any credit card companies with which you have joint credit card accounts and get your name off of them. Take his name off of any other accounts your're responsible for (cell phone, insurance, etc.)

Also, go to the bank and remove exactly half of the balance of any accounts you share. No more. Put that money in an account only you can access. If your paycheck gets direct deposited to a joint account, change it so it goes to an account only you can access.

You said he's got money management issues, these steps will help protect you. You've got to remove yourself from any liability for bad decisions he makes.

I wish you the best.

Good advice. Also contact an attorney to see how to protect yourself during this time. It doesn't mean you're looking for a divorce, but if it comes to that, you need to know what you have a right to do, have etc.

Also, make sure any new accounts you open have a specific instruction that your husband is NOT to have access to them. Also, right after you get a new credit card account in your name only, call the credit reporting companies and tell them that you have reason to believe that your estranged husband may try and start new credit card accounts in your name and that he does not have your permission. Ask them if there is a way to note that so that any CC application that comes through, after you start your new account, will bounce.

Copy all financial records, the last few years of income tax returns etc. Put them elsewhere, not in your home. A safety deposit box, your mother, a trusted friend...but not in your house. Don't forget about retirement accounts and if your kids have any accounts, get his name off.

Call a counselor...for you, not necessarily for the marriage. You really need to sit and determine if a man who has money management issues and who you have to keep bailing out is someone you want to continue to be tied to and deal with.

Additional quote from Chicago 526: Also put a fraud aleart on your childrens SS numbers with the three credit agencies, parents have been know to steal their own childrens identity and rack up debts in their name.

Even if you don't suspect an affair, it's a good idea to schedule an appointment with your doctor and be tested for STD's. At this point you just don't know. Also, no *ahem* with him until you know he's back for good, for the same reason.


My message (don;t know how to do the double quote thing)
All of the above is great advice. Someone else suggested some books to read, do that also if you want to. You never know how things could work out.

But you must act as if your marriage is over --in the legal sense at least. I am sure it is not something you want to do right now, but you really, really do need to contact a lawyer and protect your daughter and yourself, especially if he has money management issues.

Sending lots of

 

[tonilea]

Read and re-read Disney Doll's advice. I have read many of her posts over the years and have found her advice to be dead on.

I am so sorry all this is happening to you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

 

[Maddykins06]

Thank you everyone for the advice & support. I really need it.

 

[StefnMike]

I am so sorry. My friend is going through the exact same thing and she's got an 18 month old son.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, many hugs to you and your children. I had a similar experience 10 years ago, and the advice you have been given here is definitely good advice. None of the steps you would be taking to protect yourself would ever end any hope of reconcilliation with your dh. If he asks, you can simply let him know that you respect his decision to move on and you are respecting yourself and your children by taking care of yourself, and that means in every way. No need to argue about it and no need to look at it as the end of the world.

I would definitely take care of the cc issue, if you have cards that have both of your names on them and carry a balance, often the cc companies will not take a person's name off if they are a joint account. You can ask them to not authorize any charges or cancel his card if he is the second person on the account. This would help alleviate any further charges and keep the cards at the amount you are aware of NOW. I would also recommend that you open a cc card for yourself immediately, once that is done you can close these accounts to prevent further charges even though you owe a balance. Since you mentioned your dh likes to spend and more than he has, I would definitely make sure that you know what monies are in retirement and bank accounts today..this is the amount you are entitled to 1/2 of.

Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you want to end things. It means you are willing to help your children and yourself to a future if you do divorce. Nothing is concrete and written in stone. Financially, a divorce can be devastating if you don't take steps from the very minute you know he is gone. The man you married is probably NOT the man you are dealing with today. That doesn't mean that he isn't that man, just not right now. Dealing with his depression should be a priority for him and your family before any type of getting back together.

I wish you luck and many hugs.

Kelly

 

[esbrick]

Hi ~ I have no experience with this in one respect, however, finding out the person you are/were with was not the person you thought I do.

You have received some steller advice here. I hope that my 2 cents helps.

One thing is for sure, you can't change people. People do that on your own and you can only depend on yourself right now. Unfortunately, because you don't have the luxery of time to figure this out due to your darling DD, you need to think now and grieve later. It will hurt, it will be aweful and at times it will be hell, HOWEVER, YOU ARE STRONG! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS and YOU WILL BE BETTER FOR THIS!! Yes I am speaking out loud because I admire the fact that you are not waiting until you are desperate to get help! You have taken the first step in making sure that you will have strength to do what you need to do by telling your story on this forum. I honestly believe it is the first step to healing. Whether or not you and your husband will be able to resolve, we don't know. The fact that you will be able to provide you and your daughter with a better life right now, and you have been given advice on how to do this is a gift. When you chose to open this gift of advice is your perogitive, however again time is not on your side so act now, grieve later. We are here for you now and will be then. Also, get a confident that you can trust who can lead you through this now. I belive you are strong and I belive you are a great mom! Your daughter is lucky to have you!

Best of luck!

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[luvsJack]

Good grief. People in this forum go way off the deep end in any thread regarding marriage issues. It's become obvious to me that the percentage of people on the DIS who went through crazy divorces is MUCH higher than that of the general population, based on the comments in these threads. I seriously believe that these individuals' contributions are tainted by their experiences, resulting in skewed advice that could actually make the circumstances of the OPs worse, rather than better.

In closing, I would recommend not taking advice on personal relationships from a bunch of internet strangers.

I have to agree with this just a bit.

OP, he walked out yesterday; right? Have you tried to have a conversation with him? He called to check on you and your daughter, so it doesn't sound like he is trying to take all your money and run up the credit cards. And now that he is away from the house, maybe he is feeling a bit different today. Do you want to save your marriage? That may be what you need to be concentrating on right now. And if he really is depressed, maybe he is crying out for help. Depression is real and can make for a horrible existence. I would be concerned about his mental health and if you can help him. I know that you are hurting and I bet that he is too. Marriage counseling would not have necessarily brought out his depression, sounds like he may need to talk to someone on his own.

Regardless of the things that have happened to some people on the DIS, all men that want a divorce do not stop providing for their families or leave their wives penniless. I think you probably really know if your husband would do these things.

If you really feel you need to do something to protect yourself and your child, go ahead and talk to a lawyer. Do this before you do anything else--closing accounts, taking his name off credit cards, etc. The lawyer will advice you on all of that anyway.

If your marriage is really and truly over; at least try and discuss as much with your husband as possible. If you can get through this agreeing on many things it will make it all easier in the end. Maybe the two of you together can discuss the financial situation and the co-accounts and come to an agreement on what should be done.

 

[tonilea]

If he has already consulting a lawyer, he has been planning this exit for an unknown amount of time.

 

[rowbear]

Does his parents have any influence over him? Usually parents take a dim look at a child abandoning his family. I know of a couple where the wife left and her mother told her to go back and believe it or not they have been together for 8 years already after the "incident". She had closed accounts and everything.

The fact that he is non-committal seems to suggest that he is hoping that you will make an aggressive move so he doesn't have to feel like a bad guy. Definitely protect yourself but if you want to keep an option of him returning I would be careful what you do. Don't make it easy on him. Make him feel like a total jerk (because he is being one). When he calls start up the water works. You trying to be strong just makes him feel at ease and no one abandoning their family should be at ease... ever.

Of course this is a pretty big black mark on his character so you may decide you don't want him back.

 

[Quiksilvr]

I have to agree with this just a bit.

OP, he walked out yesterday; right? Have you tried to have a conversation with him? He called to check on you and your daughter, so it doesn't sound like he is trying to take all your money and run up the credit cards. And now that he is away from the house, maybe he is feeling a bit different today. Do you want to save your marriage? That may be what you need to be concentrating on right now. And if he really is depressed, maybe he is crying out for help. Depression is real and can make for a horrible existence. I would be concerned about his mental health and if you can help him. I know that you are hurting and I bet that he is too. Marriage counseling would not have necessarily brought out his depression, sounds like he may need to talk to someone on his own.

Regardless of the things that have happened to some people on the DIS, all men that want a divorce do not stop providing for their families or leave their wives penniless. I think you probably really know if your husband would do these things.

If you really feel you need to do something to protect yourself and your child, go ahead and talk to a lawyer. Do this before you do anything else--closing accounts, taking his name off credit cards, etc. The lawyer will advice you on all of that anyway.

If your marriage is really and truly over; at least try and discuss as much with your husband as possible. If you can get through this agreeing on many things it will make it all easier in the end. Maybe the two of you together can discuss the financial situation and the co-accounts and come to an agreement on what should be done.

Although I understand the sentiment expressed in sbell's post and this post, I would probably be on the paranoid side if I was in your situation.

I'm a tax lawyer, not a divorce lawyer, so I'm incompetent to give any tips in that respect. However, lawyers (especially corporate advisory lawyers like myself) are trained to focus on things that could go wrong in theory, even if the possibility of occurrence is extremely remote. Our clients pay us millions of dollars to cover all of their bases, even the remote ones. We leave it to them to decide if they need to act on the risks we see. This mentality has bred a little paranoia into how I think.

So, if I were you, I would likely follow the advice the poster gave about credit cards, bank accounts, and the like. I've heard too many horror stories about these kinds of shenanigans to leave it to chance. Still, it's your choice as to how you proceed. Best of luck.

 

[bettyann29]

Im so sorry this has happened.. I went thru the exact same thing.. I'll never forget the day my 1st husband did this to me.. we were getting ready to go to my family get together on the 4th of July that year and he told me the same thing.. that he wasnt happy and hadnt been for a long time, etc etc.. this was news to me.. we occassionally argued, etc but nothing that I thought to divorce over.. to make it worse I had a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old and I was 4 months pregnant at that time..

Just know that you will get thru this.. I didnt think I could make it back then.. I thought I would never be with another man again.. I told myself I would never marry, etc.. but I was introduced to my current husband and he is the BEST thing that ever happened to me.. I honestly didnt think I could ever love again, but I did and Im glad I gave him a chance..

Just wanted to let you know you arent alone

 

[luvsJack]

Although I understand the sentiment expressed in sbell's post and this post, I would probably be on the paranoid side if I was in your situation.

I'm a tax lawyer, not a divorce lawyer, so I'm incompetent to give any tips in that respect. However, lawyers (especially corporate advisory lawyers like myself) are trained to focus on things that could go wrong in theory, even if the possibility of occurrence is extremely remote. Our clients pay us millions of dollars to cover all of their bases, even the remote ones. We leave it to them to decide if they need to act on the risks we see. This mentality has bred a little paranoia into how I think.

So, if I were you, I would likely follow the advice the poster gave about credit cards, bank accounts, and the like. I've heard too many horror stories about these kinds of shenanigans to leave it to chance. Still, it's your choice as to how you proceed. Best of luck.

As a lawyer, would you not suggest that she speak to a divorce lawyer before she proceeds with anything? I mean, are there things that she could do with the money that would make her look bad? Or is there a better way to take care of these things that will protect her but not look like she is out to get him either?

 

[turkeymama]

In theory, sbell, I would agree with you.

But, then there's that little "thing" in the back of my mind that says "She thought she knew him well enough to know he'd never walk out and he did that"...IMHO, and note I said IMHO, once someone starts doing things that are "out of character", you (the universal "you", not specifically you sbell) don't really know what else they'd be capable of. I have known many people who have said "My spouse would NEVER do that" only to have said spouse do what they NEVER would do. And that is both men and women...I am not making any of these statements specifically directed at male behavior, because I have had female acquaintances who have done stff that has curled my hair in terms of their marriage and fidelity to their vows!

Anyone, man or woman, whose spouse is capable of "walking out" on them & their kids, is capable of doing anything else they can think of. IMHO, if they can justify leaving, they can justify anything else...extramarital sex, excessive spending, addictions...

In this case of a husband with "champagne taste and a beer pocketbook", him stealing his children's SS # and running up big bills is not out of the realm of possibility. Heck, I used to get CC applications addressed to my dog, because his name was Teddy. It may be an avenue that the OP wasn't thinking about, so it would be good advice. As far as the physical or health concerns...many people who are having marital difficulties seem to think that find "someone else" will be the answer to all their troubles, that it will be "different" with someone else, that someone else isn't going to sit in the den and burp out loud or have PMS & be cranky. So it woud also not be out of the realm of possibility that the OP's estranged husband has had extra-marital liaisions. And again, in the middle of this tempest, would the OP think to monitor herself physically? Perhaps not.

You take some offense to the posts because you are clearly a decent and ethical man, who wouldn't dream of behaving in this manner with regard to your wife & family. Your posts remind me of my own husband...he is always surprised at human nature and how it reacts to things because HE would never dream of behaving in ways that he sees others behaving.

I would still advise the OP to protect herself and her children, physically, financially and in every other way possible. The husband left his wife and his children, which says to me that he has the potential to not contribute to the continued support of the children. If he was able to leave, he might be able to say "She can handle it" especially since, according to th initial post, money management doesn't seem to be a strong point & she has been the one bailing them out. Yes, we are hearing one side of the story and, yes that is the OP's opinion and not necessarily the truth, but, since Dad has left and she is the primary caretaker for those children, her opinion is the one that matters. Physically and financially the OP has to be prepared to take care of the kids, just in case the husband doesn't, because someone will have to. And I would note that her husband has indicated that he has spoken to a lawyer, so he is taking some steps to protect himself, as he should. The OP should do the same.

FTR, I have had male friends whose wives have left and I have given them the exact same advice. When there are children involved, the spouse who may be left being the sole caregiver for the child has to act quickly and do everything possible to protect themselves & their children. And I would agree that doing some "preparatory" or "protective" work need not preclude saving the marriage, if the OP chooses to do so.

I just want to say this is absolutely true. This is one of the first things we learned in Sociology 101 and it is actually more common than any of us would like to believe. And I'm not speaking specifically about infidelity, but any type of behavior.

 

[turkeymama]

If he has already consulting a lawyer, he has been planning this exit for an unknown amount of time.

Talking to a lawyer is a big step and something that most people don't do on a whim. I think I agree with you.

 

[snoopybabe]

So very sorry. Hugs to you & DD