Having "the talk" with your kids

[tiggerlover]

Prompted by the news yesterday that two sixth graders were caught "in the act" in shop class has struck up debate about having "the talk" with kids. I was curious what the masses here thought about having "the talk" with your kids. A couple of questions:

1) At what age did you or your DH have "the talk" with your kids?

2) If you are the mom, did you only have the talk with your daughter or did you also talk to your sons? Ditto if you are the dad, did you have the talk with your sons only?

3) What information do you think is appropriate for an 11 year old entering 6th grade?

I only have a boy, he is turning 11 soon and will be going to 6th grade in the fall. DH and I were discussing the above mentioned news and I told DH maybe he should have "the talk" with DS before he starts 6th grade. DH's response was, what do I say? I imagine this is a common question for some so I thought I would look to the DIS for your input.

Thanks in advance!

 

[ilovejack02]

I have a 18 yr old stepson and we told him the basics at 6 ish when his mom had a baby. By 11 he knew the whole real deal and also about protection and stds and the fact that he could get something that could kill him (Hiv/aids) if he made a stupid decision and didnt protect himself when he finally decided to have sex.
We of course said he should be married and all that good stuff but if something happens he needs to be protected. DSS parents were married way to young because they were prego. we talked alot about that too. He hated the fact his parents were divorced so we used that to try and deter sex too lol.
I always snuck in the whole if you decide to have sex and dont use protection
"it" will turn green and fall off. He knew that wasnt actually true, but he did know about the real stds he could catch. Kids are having sex and oral sex so early these days, i dont think 11 is too young to tell them EVERYTHING.
PS I actually think his mother and I talked about sex more with him than his daddy lol

 

[MommaPooh]

We never had a sit down and discuss the facts talk because we have had open conversations with our kids throughout the years. As a question would come up we would answer it. If a situation called for an explanation, we explained. DD is almost 14 and DS is 11, both are well aware of all aspects of sex, pueberty, hormones, lifestyle choices, birth control options etc...

 

[DVCLiz]

DD was 5 when I was pregnant with her sister, so I talked to her about pregnancy, including the medical terms for the equipment, and how the baby was made. I was much more explicit than any of my friends have been. I believe that information is private and should be shared only within the family, but I also believe it should come early. I would never have waited until my child was 10 or 11 before explaining intercourse.

Both of my daughters knew about the female stuff pretty early, too. As soon as they could walk, they followed me into the bathroom like lemmings, so they were exposed to all that and I explained it then.

It made it much easier over the years to have more advanced conversations and answer the questions they had, knowing that we had covered the basics and I didn't have to start at the "Well, when a Mom and a Dad love each other very much" stage. We could just say, "Remember how a dad gets a sperm to an egg, well..."

As I said, I did this much earlier than any of my friends. In other threads like this on the DIS, I find it's pretty evenly divided between early tellers and wait til puberty tellers.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

I knew about sex before I entered the sixth grade. I don't remember when I learned about the basics; I'm assuming I was six or seven. In sixth - eighth grade at my school, STDs and Family Life is covered all three years in Health Class.

 

[Pigeon]

I don't approach it as "The Talk." Instead, it is a series of ongoing conversations. I want my kids to feel that they can talk to me about anything, because I want them to get the correct info from me.

I found that my dd was coming home using words she'd heard on the bus in first grade. She didn't know what those words meant, so that started the conversation.

We have read a couple of books together that I highly recommend. They are "It's So Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal." They are done as cartoon discussions between a bird and a bee, one of whom is curious and the other of whom is embarrassed by the subject at hand. The books are accurate and have accurate but not clinical drawings and cover a lot of subjects that some people may see as peripheral, but I see as comprehensive.

I was very nervous about starting all this with her. But we would read a chapter or two together every evening, and it actually was a very bonding experience for us and I think it has greatly facilitated dd's willingness to come to me on a variety of issues.

 

[KerriSue]

Both my kids got 'THE TALK' a couple of years ago. (DD9 & DS12 now) We got a little boy dog who was a friskie little thing. They wanted to know what the heck was going on. So, I bought this fantastic book, cant think of the name, but it was about two kids explaining to their parents how babies are made. The parents didnt seem to know, telling the kids that one was delivered by the stork and the other was laid in an egg on the couch.

We are very open about everything. We make it a point to discuss all the things they might hear at school. This way they are informed and educated on it. Im sure most of the kids at their school saying things regarding sex have no clue what they are talking about.

It is never to young to tell your children things they NEED to know.

 

[Steffi]

My DD is 12, and we've never sat down for one Big Formal Talk. I thought that sitting down and telling everything all at once would be too overwhelming. (You know, too much talk about sex & privates & diseases all at once, coming out of a parent's mouth endlessly...I know it would have made my ears bleed when I was a kid.)

So over time, I've used things we've seen or heard on radio or TV to casually start conversations that lead into little Mini Talks. Bringing up the subject in this way, casually, matter-of-factly, and truthfully has made DD very comfortable about the subject. DD doesn't hesitate to ask me questions or talk to me.

So, I say, start the talk right away, but no big embarrassing Let's Sit Down And Talk Sex With Your Parents For The Next Three Hours. Just casual Mini Talks should do the trick without causing major embarrassment.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm still trying to grasp the fact that 6th graders were caught in the act

 

[imsorry]

Please, somebody just talk to him. Can you believe no one ever told me ANYTHING? My mother and two older sisters never even told me about my period. What a surprise in the 7th grade - I had no idea what was going on. It sounds hard to believe in this day and age, but I am 50 and my mother was the type who could never discuss anything personal. I wouldn't want anyone else to go thru that.

 

[rhanditresmom]

I don't approach it as "The Talk." Instead, it is a series of ongoing conversations. I want my kids to feel that they can talk to me about anything, because I want them to get the correct info from me.

I really agree with this. I, too, have approached this as a series of ongoing discussions. We began talking about how babies are born, etc when they were pretty young. I always let them guide the conversation, so that I don't overwhelm them with too much information.

I'm not surprised about the 6th graders. We had a 7th grader (12 years old) pregnant already this year. It is just so sad, but no longer shocking to me. I just want to be sure my kids are prepared for the pressure they will face. I just think it is important that parents inform their kids, as opposed to the playground professors!

 

[mickeyboat]

I never got the talk. I got the Catholic school version of what happens when you get your period, and a co-ed question and answer session with a priest in 6th grade.

From my mom I got - do you have any questions, and don't have sex because you will get pregnant.

I had some crazy misconceptions about the act and how babies were made, let me tell you.

My girls are 6 and 7, and we are using the answer as you go along approach. We don't really offer more than they inquire about, but the questions are getting more and more detailed, and they will know what they need to know when they need to know it. DH is a little uncomfortable about talking about it (we had a conversation about tampons on the way to dinner the other night), but tough patootie for him. My girls are not going to have to rely on the older sister of their best friends to show them how to use a tampon.

Denae

 

[Makdyn]

From reading this thread I am thinking I should start "talking" to my dd 6 (7 in may) about this.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

call your pediatritian and ask is there is a class in your city. Our local hospital sponsors a class that is several evenings and a parent goes to class with the child. It's great!

 

[mjkacmom]

I gave my dd a book and open discussion when she turned 10, and she told me she was the last kid in her class to know, and had embarrassed herself in the past not knowing these things while talking with her peers. She's in the fifth grade, and this past week, she brought up condoms found on the elementary school playground, and erections in boys. I think you better start talking!

My 8 ds asked how the sperm got to the egg, and although he wasn't thrilled with the answer, at least he knows. By junior high, I suspect they've learned everything from friends, and I'm betting it's not as acurate as you would like.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

My mom couldn't wait to tell me about my period & that was it. Turns out that's all she ever knew. I guess she just figured my dh would "teach" me like her dh did?!?!? Lucky for me I had a much older sister that told me everything!

With my kids I started talking to them about things as they came up. I wanted to keep an ongoing conversation with them so they would be comfortable with me talking to them. I didn't want them to ever feel like they couldn't tell me anything or come to me for anything.

When they were preteens I bought my ds & dd books. I got my ds a book called The Guy Book It's written as if it was talking about cars instead of the body, but it covers everything. I bought my dd, who was a little younger, The American Girl Book (after the doll series). I continue to talk to my kids about things & we watch things or read about things & discuss it. My children have also had sex ed classes in school.

Actually my ds just went thru a week of learning about the female reproductive system & came home & announced to me that he knows all there is to know about the female body! Boy is he in for a rude awakening!

 

[Parkhopper]

I also had a series of ongoing conversations with my DS starting at around age 5. We chose to have the first major conversation during his Summer break because my son would be the one running in to school the next day saying "Hey guys, you are never going to BELIEVE what my parents told me last night!"

The conversations have become much more detailed over the years. Our last talk was because he had a question about the difference between HIV positive and Aids.

The funny thing is that when he has a question he always comes to me instead of his father.

I believe that several conversations over a period of time helps the child feel more comfortable asking questions. Heaven knows that my son has asked me some DOOZIES!

Suzi

 

[NMAmy]

Ongoing conversations all along for us. I was lucky in that my mother had approached the topic the same way with me and my sisters. DD knew everything by age 8. I was uncomfortable at first but I wanted to be the one to explain things to her so I knew she'd get correct information, so I just forced myself to discuss it matter of factly. She's 16 now and is still comfortable coming to me with questions about things and discussing things. I think the fact that we've ALWAYS talked about this stuff was really helpful in paving the way for open discussions when she became a teenager.

 

[mulanrouge]

I don't approach it as "The Talk." Instead, it is a series of ongoing conversations. I want my kids to feel that they can talk to me about anything, because I want them to get the correct info from me.

I found that my dd was coming home using words she'd heard on the bus in first grade. She didn't know what those words meant, so that started the conversation.

We have read a couple of books together that I highly recommend. They are "It's So Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal." They are done as cartoon discussions between a bird and a bee, one of whom is curious and the other of whom is embarrassed by the subject at hand. The books are accurate and have accurate but not clinical drawings and cover a lot of subjects that some people may see as peripheral, but I see as comprehensive.

I was very nervous about starting all this with her. But we would read a chapter or two together every evening, and it actually was a very bonding experience for us and I think it has greatly facilitated dd's willingness to come to me on a variety of issues.

I second the two books mentioned here. I have both of those as well, and my DS seemed to understand everything quite clearly. I chose the age of 10 for him to get all the facts. I feel that it is early enough not to be embarrassed if he did have questions, but not to late for the "just in case".

My DH was really not comfortable in having the talk with him so I did it. In some ways I feel that was better. We went through everything, female and male info. Then this way when he gets a little older he might have some understanding about what us women go through!!

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

I covered the basics with my son when he was about 6. He had heard some things at school and asked me a question, so we covered it then. Since then, though, we have had several more in-depth conversations about sex and its consequences.

We've developed a very open relationship about sex, which I hope we can keep into his teen years (he's 12 now). I was proud that during his sex ed classes this year that he already knew the info they were teaching.