Having a very hard time with DS going off to college

[LisaR]

Lisa - I so know where you are right now. This sounds so similar to our first semester. I have been reluctant to post anything here or anywhere for fear of roommate. First of all - deep breathes and yes 10 weeks thankfully. I wouldn't do anything just yet(esp don't put anything in writing to her) but do hang on to the FB message from her. I can tell you it will work out and our DDs become stronger from these experiences (though they do s*ck). Wish I had better advise than that but to sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning. Good luck to both you and your DD. We are in the freshman home stretch!

Thank you!

One last bit of advice from someone who has been there - our situation was escalated to the hall director. Sometimes that is not even enough and a dean/higher needs to be brought in. If you do not feel your DD is getting satisfaction w/the RA don't hesitate to take it a step higher. Also check your schools handbook - sometimes there are roommate regulations/info there. Once we realized we needed to escalate it things changed immediately.

I think we are at a point where DD may have to escalate this to someone above the RA. Her good roommate went home this weekend and I am so worried about DD staying with this girl tonight, especially if she comes home completed wasted. Thankfully, they have private bedrooms and DD can (and will) lock her door.

 

[Beachbumpirates]

Lisa - I would not even send her a nice FB reply, just keep what she sent you and do not respond. She sounds like a head case and can say you, as the parent, caused her stress blah blah blah. I had great luck w/Google and searching roommate issues. Lots of schools (not ours unfortunately) had specific guidelines in place for such things. We were able to arm ourselves w/that info which helped greatly. Your DD is lucky to have you.

 

[mom2rtk]

Lisa, if it was me, I'd feel like I'd at least want the drug concerns documented. I'd probably also want to make sure the BF issues were documented somewhere. That way if things get even worse you don't end up with someone saying there needs to be more documentation of past issues.

 

[clh2]

Help! Are you guys still out there? If so, I need help. I don't know what to do.

DD and her roommate from hell aren't getting along. She has been a problem from day one. The list of things she has done are too numerous to mention. Most involved drugs, drinking, and sex with anything that walks (or probably doesn't walk, she doesn't seem picky).

The last few weeks have been horrible. The girl has been beyond drunk, drugged out. Her boyfriend is pretty much living there. DD overheard him on the phone say that he has 90 Adderall that he will be selling. There are just a whole slew of problems.

DD has been to the RA. He planned on talking to her today about the boyfriend telling her he can't live there. There isn't any proof he is actually selling drugs so nothing can be done at this point.

DD hasn't helped the situation today. She got pissed and called the girl a fat *****. Unacceptable! It does not help the situation and I told DD that she can't do that. She is allowing this girl to get to her and she needs to stop. After talking with DD, she agreed that she needs to just walk away and learn to ignore this girl. In 10 weeks it will be over.

Now for my problem. I just opened up my FB and I have a private message from this girl! My FB is private (or so I thought). I have no clue how she found me. I am beyond shocked that this girl would drag me into this. She went on and on about how great she is and how she does nothing wrong and DD and her friends are horrible. I'm livid.

What the heck do I do with this message? I could blast her back. I suppose I could find a way to forward it to the RA. Should I tell DD? Should I ignore it completely? I don't know what to do. At this point, I am not going to do anything because I am just so mad and I don't want to overreact. Why would a 19 y/o contact her roommates mom???? Are you kidding me? I need to calm down. Sorry for rambling.

Oh crud. What a lousy situation to be in.

While I am normally a proponent of kids need to work this stuff out... Since the roommate has now involved you, I feel you now can go over the RA's head up to the highest person in the res-life food chain. I would politely explain, yet firmly request (I.e. Politely demand) that your DD be allowed to switch to a single. In my opinion, your DD has tried to work this out herself, and perhaps hasn't been taken too seriously. If you somehow make this into a safety issue, they will need to do something.

The problem with going to the RA is, the will spend countless weeks trying to resolve the issues with roommate remediation, or whatever "feel-good" programs they have to get roommates to get along.

DD had some similar, weird issues with her roommate in her freshman year. Without going into details, DD handled this by sending the "highest" person related to res-life a detailed e-mail. (DD's first draft had issue, issue, issue etc, and then the safety issue, I told her to eliminate all the issues, except the safety issue.). DD got assigned a single by the end of the weekend that the safety issue happened. Had the res-life person not reacted, they would have been dealing with me the Monday morning after the really bad Friday night. We had to pay the differential between the single and the double, but it was worth every penny.

 

[LisaR]

Thanks everyone! I'm starting to calm down. Would you guys tell your DD/DS about the FB message or would you let that go? DD will be so mad if she finds out in 10 weeks from now that the message was sent and I didn't tell her. On the other hand, if I tell her about it now, she'll also be mad. I can't imagine never telling her about it.

On the bright side, DD is spending all day tomorrow out of the dorm with a friend, and on Monday she leaves for her spring break trip so she won't have to deal with this girl for a week. Hopefully calmer heads will prevail when DD returns.

 

[mom2rtk]

To me, it would depend on whether I thought she had cooled down enough to not engage with the roommate over it. But she needs all the info if she is going to pursue resolution of the situation.

 

[Beachbumpirates]

I agree, I would tell my DD but only by prefacing it that she still needs to disengage w/her and that I am only telling her so she knows all that is going on. Glad you are calming down too!

 

[LisaR]

Thanks so much for being here! You guys are the greatest!!

Just had a nice, long chat with DD. I did tell her about the FB message, but I refused to read it to her. I wanted her to know about it because I think the bear has been poked and I am not sure what might happen.

I reiterated to DD that she must not engage. I told DD that she is allowing this girl to get the best of her because DD has resorted to name calling; something normally very unlike her. She agreed. She said she is allowing the roommate to completely stress her out and this girl doesn't deserve that much space in her head. DD seems ready to move forward with a good game plan. She swears she won't engage her anymore. Since DD is leaving in the morning and won't be back until Saturday, she won't be able to report anything right now. She said she will see what happens when she gets back and at the first sign of trouble, she will go over the RA's head. When she gets back, there will only be nine weeks left in the semester. Fingers crossed things go well.

Thanks again! It was so great to be able to "talk" it out. I'm still completely dumbfounded that a 19 y/o would contact her roommate's mommy to try and work out their conflict. Wow!

 

[mom2rtk]

Lisa, I think you've done the best you can at this point. 9 weeks and counting.

I hope she has a great break.

 

[trip]

Now for my problem. I just opened up my FB and I have a private message from this girl! My FB is private (or so I thought). I have no clue how she found me. I am beyond shocked that this girl would drag me into this. She went on and on about how great she is and how she does nothing wrong and DD and her friends are horrible. I'm livid.

What the heck do I do with this message? I could blast her back. I suppose I could find a way to forward it to the RA. Should I tell DD? Should I ignore it completely? I don't know what to do. At this point, I am not going to do anything because I am just so mad and I don't want to overreact. Why would a 19 y/o contact her roommates mom???? Are you kidding me? I need to calm down. Sorry for rambling.

Even if your FB is private, you can get private messages from people you don't know. All they have to do is search on FB for a name. If your account is private - you are given the option to send a message. I know I have received messages from people I don't know asking if I had worked at ??, if I had gone to school at ??, or if I knew??. All did was answer no. Most thanked for the response.

As far as why she contacted you, she may be worried all of this mess might get her into trouble and her parents might find out.

End of semester will be here soon.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Lisa, I have no words of wisdom, but only hugs!

 

[marcyinPA]

Lisa, I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I will pray for a quick resolution- or at least that time passes quickly with no more incidents. Hugs!!

 

[Katy Belle]

I've come here to complain about the Big Guy! He came home for the weekend. We had a lovely time. He drove back to school, and called when he got back. NEVER calls, always texts! "Mom, I made a mistake. I got a speeding ticket."

I'm so MAD at him. He was going 91 in a 75!!!! Way too fast!!!! $260!!! DH is being very calm, me - not so much. He will have to pay for it, with money he has saved. I'm mostly bothered that its so dangerous! I know teenagers think they are bullet proof...but sheesh!!!! Ok, I feel a bit better getting it off my chest.

On a WAY happier note....next week is Spring Break for all 3 of my guys, and we are all going to WDW for 8 nights! Cannot wait!

Hugs to all!
Katy

 

[LisaR]

I've come here to complain about the Big Guy! He came home for the weekend. We had a lovely time. He drove back to school, and called when he got back. NEVER calls, always texts! "Mom, I made a mistake. I got a speeding ticket."

I'm so MAD at him. He was going 91 in a 75!!!! Way too fast!!!! $260!!! DH is being very calm, me - not so much. He will have to pay for it, with money he has saved. I'm mostly bothered that its so dangerous! I know teenagers think they are bullet proof...but sheesh!!!! Ok, I feel a bit better getting it off my chest.

On a WAY happier note....next week is Spring Break for all 3 of my guys, and we are all going to WDW for 8 nights! Cannot wait!

Hugs to all!
Katy

DD drives way too fast, as well. She got a speeding ticket one month before leaving for college and the fine was huge. I'm hoping at least the depletion of funds from her bank account was enough to make her slow down. I am *that* mom that sends her articles about car accidents that were a result of speeding. Unfortunately, I have to admit she gets it from me. I'm much better now, but I do tend to drive fast. This was one of those do as I say, not as I do situations and she didn't listen!

Glad you had a good visit and will be at Disney soon! DD is coming home on the 21st for three nights!! I think we will surprise her and all go to Disney on the 22nd.

 

[mom2rtk]

I've come here to complain about the Big Guy! He came home for the weekend. We had a lovely time. He drove back to school, and called when he got back. NEVER calls, always texts! "Mom, I made a mistake. I got a speeding ticket."

I'm so MAD at him. He was going 91 in a 75!!!! Way too fast!!!! $260!!! DH is being very calm, me - not so much. He will have to pay for it, with money he has saved. I'm mostly bothered that its so dangerous! I know teenagers think they are bullet proof...but sheesh!!!! Ok, I feel a bit better getting it off my chest.

On a WAY happier note....next week is Spring Break for all 3 of my guys, and we are all going to WDW for 8 nights! Cannot wait!

Hugs to all!
Katy

Yikes! That would really worry me too. You're doing the right thing having him pay for it. That's a lot of money for someone in college, so hopefully that will do the trick at getting him to slow down.

Does your state have any sort of program to allow him to do classes or something to keep the points off his record? I'm sure the potential for increased insurance cost is a concern.

And I'm so jealous that you get to celebrate spring with everyone in Disney!

My son's 4 day St. Pat's weekend is coming up, then a week later it will be spring break. We're not going anywhere, but I'm still happy just to have him home for a bit before hitting the home stretch.

 

[LisaR]

If anyone is looking for something to send their kids or throw in a care package, this was a hit:

http://www.amazon.com/Magnetic-Poet...1672&sr=8-1&keywords=magnetic+college+letters

They have dozens of different kits. Some are quite interesting. I sent DD the starter kit and the college one. She said it is a huge hit.

 

[clh2]

OH Katy Belle - sorry to hear about the ticket. I was so upset when my DD got hers. (23 over) Luckily DH took over the parenting role. I would probably have grounded her for life. This too shall pass!

In our state - there were "special" consequences if someone on their probationary license received a 2nd ticket. We actually hired a lawyer (at DD's expense) to see if there was anything that could be done, relative to the points. This ticket wouldn't have caused any issues, BUT - if DD would have received a 2nd ticket (automatically doubled the points per our state), she would have lost her license. So - the lawyer was able to get the points reduced, which would have "allowed" DD to have a minor speeding ticket without causing a license revocation. LUCKILY - she has learned her lesson on that, and has not had a repeat offense. And, she got a regular license when she turned 19, so no more point-doubling.

 

[mom2rtk]

Well, just because nothing can ever be easy...

My DS is home for the long St. Patrick's Day weekend. Which is great, except that he came bearing news about housing next year. They are demolishing one of the dorms, so they are having a lottery to see which students even GET to have on-campus housing. (It's a small school with only 3 Residence Halls, so this is a big percentage of housing). If he does get a spot, it will likely be at the dorm that costs considerably more than the one he is in.

We went through a lot of uncertainty last year not knowing which location he would be in. He's now very happy where he's at. And now we get to wonder if he'll get a spot at all.

They require that all students through at least the first 2 years so we never looked at or thought about apartments. I assume that requirement will be waived but we're just at a loss on where to start with all of this.

Heck, he doesn't even have a car and hasn't planned to get one. Sounds like all of this could increase costs substantially for next year.

Sigh. It's just always something.

 

[LisaR]

Well, just because nothing can ever be easy...

My DS is home for the long St. Patrick's Day weekend. Which is great, except that he came bearing news about housing next year. They are demolishing one of the dorms, so they are having a lottery to see which students even GET to have on-campus housing. If he does get a spot, it will likely be at the dorm that costs considerably more than the one he is in.

We went through a lot of uncertainty last year not knowing which location he would be in. He's now very happy where he's at. And now we get to wonder if he'll get a spot at all.

They require that all students through at least the first 2 years so we never looked at or thought about apartments. I assume that requirement will be waived but we're just at a loss on where to start with all of this.

Heck, he doesn't even have a car and hasn't planned to get one. Sounds like all of this could increase costs substantially for next year.

Sigh. It's just always something.

It is always something, isn't it?

Personally, I've always found off campus living to be cheaper than the dorms at all the schools we looked at. Of course, he'd need one with transportation or he'd need a car which kind throws the word "cheaper" out the window.

If they are demolishing an entire housing unit, it must be in pretty bad shape.

I hope he gets the dorm he wants. One college DD was looking at bought a Howard Johnson down the road and housed all the overflow kids in there. Neither one of us liked that option. All of these campuses seem to have housing shortages.

 

[mom2rtk]

It is always something, isn't it?

Personally, I've always found off campus living to be cheaper than the dorms at all the schools we looked at. Of course, he'd need one with transportation or he'd need a car which kind throws the word "cheaper" out the window.

If they are demolishing an entire housing unit, it must be in pretty bad shape.

I hope he gets the dorm he wants. One college DD was looking at bought a Howard Johnson down the road and housed all the overflow kids in there. Neither one of us liked that option. All of these campuses seem to have housing shortages.

Thanks Lisa. The residence hall they are demolishing is the one they were initially going to put him in this year and we were all against. And we're not that picky. It was really old and run down. So yes, it needed to go. But......

They did something similar a few years ago with another residence hall. I have heard that they did end up putting kids up in a hotel. But so far no word that they would do that again. And once again, I don't think there are any close enough that he won't need a car. And it would put him in a position of needing to get to campus for ever meal, so I'm not sure that's a great alternative either.

I did tell him he should get together with his friends and talk about looking for an apartment, but I'm not sure where or when he should even start. Once the semester is over, he'll come home 3 1/2 hours away. And I'm guessing apartment housing will be in very high demand now.