Having a very hard time with DS going off to college

[PRINCESS VIJA]

So how did you handle your first born going off to college? Our family is pretty close. We have done a lot of great things together, and I am so sad that this era of our family is ending.

DS is growing up and moving on with his life. I know it is a good thing. He has done so much and I am so proud. In my mind I know this is a good thing, college will be a great experience for him, and most importantly he has found a passion in life to pursue and seems like he has all the nuts and bolts put together to be successful in life.

I also can tell our relationship has changed. We've gone from mommy and son, to mom and son and now I do find myself struggling to find what place I have in his life. I am not trying to helicopter, because even though I will miss him, I know this is a great thing for him and won't be that parent that bugs the college aged kid.

But sending him off to college is hard and has left me feeling lost. My heart has not caught up to my mind...

 

[minnie mum]

Ah yes, the empty nest syndrome. I remember it well. The good news is that it doesn't last all that long. Yes, you miss them. And your role in their life changes. But, at least for our family, it was a very good evolution. DH and I are still there when and if they need us for anything. We are all still part of each other's lives, even though we are separated by a drive of several hours. We still see each other frequently. We try to never insert ourselves in their lives uninvited, and I think they appreciate that. Not a week goes by even now (15 years later) that we aren't chatting on the phone with each other and sharing our lives in other ways.

As for me- I missed them like crazy the first few months that they were gone. But I filled my time with work and other interests. And quite frankly, DH and I became a lot closer once it was just the two of us again. IIRC there was even a second 'honeymoon' period... I'll stop there.

 

[Southernmiss]

So how did you handle your first born going off to college? Our family is pretty close. We have done a lot of great things together, and I am so sad that this era of our family is ending.

DS is growing up and moving on with his life. I know it is a good thing. He has done so much and I am so proud. In my mind I know this is a good thing, college will be a great experience for him, and most importantly he has found a passion in life to pursue and seems like he has all the nuts and bolts put together to be successful in life.

I also can tell our relationship has changed. We've gone from mommy and son, to mom and son and now I do find myself struggling to find what place I have in his life. I am not trying to helicopter, because even though I will miss him, I know this is a great thing for him and won't be that parent that bugs the college aged kid.

But sending him off to college is hard and has left me feeling lost. My heart has not caught up to my mind...

Was right were you are this time last year. Minnie mum said it well. Ds jumped right into college life and never looked back. Knowing that he was ok and well adjusted made it a bit easier. Though even with 3 others still at home our house became quieter. His zest for life was noticeably absent. But he came home for the summer more mature and 25 pounds heavier with a girlfriend that might be 'the one'. I will move him back on Monday. It will be sad again but just for a little while because this is one year closer to his paying his own bills (yay) and his stepping out into the real world. Looking forward to what life has in store for him.

And last week he said even when they all move away, we should all get together for big extended family vacations! I will hang onto that and hope we can make it happen.

 

[StacyMarie]

I am in a funk right now because of the same thing. We move DD into her dorm in 18 days. Over the past few weeks, my relationship with my DD is already evolving. She's hardly ever home anymore and always off with her friends. I'm so excited for her to start this next chapter in her life but I'm already so sad! I will miss her terribly. I have 2 years until our nest will be completely empty but I think my oldest leaving is going to be much harder than when my youngest does!

 

[minniecarousel]

BTDT.

Our 2 sons are 2 1/2 years apart. The oldest left for college a 6 hour drive away. I cried all evening on the day we moved him into his dorm. He ended up not liking his choice, came home and left again 2 years later when his brother started college. So I had to go through it with both of them at the same time. I was very active in their HS lives (one did drama, the other one sports) so a part of my activities changed.

This was 13 years ago! With cell phones, facetime, Skype it's so easy to keep in touch now. Both sons are married and one lives on the opposite coast. With perspective, I realize that we did our job, they need to lead their own lives.

That said, we've had some nice vacations with our sons and their wives. Disney with your adult children is fun!

Hang in there. It's a natural progression.

 

[minkydog]

My first child went to college nearby, so he lived at home, but the first time he moved away was when he was 18. He joined Disney on Ice on their tour of the northeast and was gone for 4 months. The only time we heard from him was when the doctor at an ER in Portland, Maine, called to tell us he was being treated for severe gastroenteritis and was receiving fluid and medications. Much as I wanted to, we simply couldn't drop everything and go to him. Thankfully, he recovered and it all ended well. He came back home at the end of the run, then moved to Key West for a year or so. Again, no call except the one me made to me at 3am to tell me he was stripped to his shorts and standing in the sink "because I can!" At the moment he is working at a resort in the middle-of-nowhere, Utah.

After the antics my first one tried, sending my second one off to college 4 hours away didn't seem quite as hard.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Ah yes, the empty nest syndrome. I remember it well. The good news is that it doesn't last all that long. Yes, you miss them. And your role in their life changes. But, at least for our family, it was a very good evolution. DH and I are still there when and if they need us for anything. We are all still part of each other's lives, even though we are separated by a drive of several hours. We still see each other frequently. We try to never insert ourselves in their lives uninvited, and I think they appreciate that. Not a week goes by even now (15 years later) that we aren't chatting on the phone with each other and sharing our lives in other ways.

As for me- I missed them like crazy the first few months that they were gone. But I filled my time with work and other interests. And quite frankly, DH and I became a lot closer once it was just the two of us again. IIRC there was even a second 'honeymoon' period... I'll stop there.

The second honeymoon comment made me smile! I already told DH that when DD goes off to college in 4 years, that year we will go to WDW in October AND May... DURING the school year! to help get over the empty next syndrome! I sure hope that my kids stay in touch with us. I hope we have set a good example by getting together with our parents often that it is a good thing to keep in touch.

Was right were you are this time last year. Minnie mum said it well. Ds jumped right into college life and never looked back. Knowing that he was ok and well adjusted made it a bit easier. Though even with 3 others still at home our house became quieter. His zest for life was noticeably absent. But he came home for the summer more mature and 25 pounds heavier with a girlfriend that might be 'the one'. I will move him back on Monday. It will be sad again but just for a little while because this is one year closer to his paying his own bills (yay) and his stepping out into the real world. Looking forward to what life has in store for him.

And last week he said even when they all move away, we should all get together for big extended family vacations! I will hang onto that and hope we can make it happen.

That is great about the extended family vacations! I already jokingly told DS that I plan to bribe him to come home this winter so we can go to the Dells for a weekend getaway. DS told me " you know what bribery will get you mom... Anything you want!" I'll hold on to that! At least for the next 4 years I have our family vacations mapped out. Cruise next year, the following year to the West to go river rafting and exploring, actually not sure of year 3 but the 4th year we will go to Europe. All are enticing trips... ulterior motives... you bet! After that don't know if he'll join us, but the offers will be there. I imagine he'll start planning his own trips and if he's found "the one", they will plan trips together. But I'll hold out hope, like you, for extended family vacations.

I am in a funk right now because of the same thing. We move DD into her dorm in 18 days. Over the past few weeks, my relationship with my DD is already evolving. She's hardly ever home anymore and always off with her friends. I'm so excited for her to start this next chapter in her life but I'm already so sad! I will miss her terribly. I have 2 years until our nest will be completely empty but I think my oldest leaving is going to be much harder than when my youngest does!

It is so hard isn't it? I hadn't even thought about counting the days yet. I guess it will come soon enough. I did tell DS that the weekend before he leaves we will go away for a family getaway. I'll just hold on to that weekend and cherish it.

So not looking forward to this at all.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

BTDT.

Our 2 sons are 2 1/2 years apart. The oldest left for college a 6 hour drive away. I cried all evening on the day we moved him into his dorm. He ended up not liking his choice, came home and left again 2 years later when his brother started college. So I had to go through it with both of them at the same time. I was very active in their HS lives (one did drama, the other one sports) so a part of my activities changed.

This was 13 years ago! With cell phones, facetime, Skype it's so easy to keep in touch now. Both sons are married and one lives on the opposite coast. With perspective, I realize that we did our job, they need to lead their own lives.

That said, we've had some nice vacations with our sons and their wives. Disney with your adult children is fun!

Hang in there. It's a natural progression.

thanks, it just stinks. Why does time go by so fast? I think like you I will cry, and cry and cry. I will do my best not to cry in the dorm room, I don't want to embarrass DS, but just sitting here I have tears falling.

My first child went to college nearby, so he lived at home, but the first time he moved away was when he was 18. He joined Disney on Ice on their tour of the northeast and was gone for 4 months. The only time we heard from him was when the doctor at an ER in Portland, Maine, called to tell us he was being treated for severe gastroenteritis and was receiving fluid and medications. Much as I wanted to, we simply couldn't drop everything and go to him. Thankfully, he recovered and it all ended well. He came back home at the end of the run, then moved to Key West for a year or so. Again, no call except the one me made to me at 3am to tell me he was stripped to his shorts and standing in the sink "because I can!" At the moment he is working at a resort in the middle-of-nowhere, Utah.

After the antics my first one tried, sending my second one off to college 4 hours away didn't seem quite as hard.

"because I can", that is too funny! I think this also makes me sad, not just because DS is going away, but also the fact that it must mean I am getting older too...

 

[Southernmiss]

The second honeymoon comment made me smile! I already told DH that when DD goes off to college in 4 years, that year we will go to WDW in October AND May... DURING the school year! to help get over the empty next syndrome! I sure hope that my kids stay in touch with us. I hope we have set a good example by getting together with our parents often that it is a good thing to keep in touch.

That is great about the extended family vacations! I already jokingly told DS that I plan to bribe him to come home this winter so we can go to the Dells for a weekend getaway. DS told me " you know what bribery will get you mom... Anything you want!" I'll hold on to that! At least for the next 4 years I have our family vacations mapped out. Cruise next year, the following year to the West to go river rafting and exploring, actually not sure of year 3 but the 4th year we will go to Europe. All are enticing trips... ulterior motives... you bet! After that don't know if he'll join us, but the offers will be there. I imagine he'll start planning his own trips and if he's found "the one", they will plan trips together. But I'll hold out hope, like you, for extended family vacations.

It is so hard isn't it? I hadn't even thought about counting the days yet. I guess it will come soon enough. I did tell DS that the weekend before he leaves we will go away for a family getaway. I'll just hold on to that weekend and cherish it.

So not looking forward to this at all.

I have already decided that when our youngest goes to college in 7 years we are moving her in and going straight to Disney for the couples trip we never took before kids!

Your summer vacation plans sound wonderful for the next 4 years. It's always special to get away with the kids no matter how old they get. We just got back from 4 days away as a complete family and we laughed and sang in the car and just enjoyed each other's company. It was great!

 

[clh2]

First off - every parent reacts differently, so don't let anyone try to tell you "how" you should be feeling. (This is mostly directed at the busy-bodies in your life who are clueless!)

I actually did great when we dropped DD off last year! I wanted to leave by 2pm - as we had a 4.5 hour drive home. Another new friend stopped by just about then - I stood up very abruptly - gave DD a quick hug and said goodbye. I started to cry, but by the time we hit the ground (down 4-flights of stairs) I was good to go! DD and DH were both really surprised.

Now - we met the parents of DD's boyfriend in October at parents weekend - and that mom was having a hard time adjusting. I was really proud of myself - because we adjusted quite well.

BUT THEN - I remembered the "rest" of my journey...I was a wreck for the whole year before DD left. I had a hard very hard time when she had her sr. pictures taken, her last homecoming, her last cross country banquet, essentially her last "any" function. I was a total wreck during freshman orientation. I "pre-mourned" the loss of my DD for a whole year. And - on the way home - I read my book club book on the ride home- so I didn't have to talk to DH.

Oh - and now this is a really long post. Send them a care package right within the first week - no doubt someone will have a thread soliciting ideas soon! At least they'll know you are thinking of them! I don't want to bog down this post with some ideas. But "anything" you send will be appreciated! And - give them their space the first few days. If I wanted to "ping" my DD - I would take a picture of our dog doing something silly... as that gave me the quickest response!

Our DD is an "only" so when she left - the house was quite (good and bad to that) and the house stayed infinitely cleaner! And - she worked on campus this summer - so she didn't come home with all her "stuff".

Good Luck to all of you - it really is a great time to see what great adults we have raised! So - don't forget to pat yourself on the back about this - getting them "ready" for college was an 18 year process!

 

[luvgoing2disney]

We were in those shoes one year ago. In fact August 13 th will mark the one year anniversary--and he was attending the University of Alabama which is in the town where we live and his apartment was all of five minutes away! But he is an only child and we are very close.

For months leading up I began to dread the day. I remember one night my DW was at her club meeting, DS was with friends and I thought about the song "Turn Around" describing how quickly they grow up and I just had a pity party and a good cry.

I knew there were things I wanted to share and say to him on his last night at home but also knew I would never be able to make it, being an old sentimental fool, so I typed a note for him, recalling milestones in his life and reminding him the door to home would always be open. We left it on his bed for him to find and his girlfriend told us later when he read it he got emotional too and called her to share it with her. The next day he told us he wanted that framed to take with him so we did and he hung that in his room and again now as he has moved to another place, still here in town

Yes, you will survive, you will hurt like crazy, and yes your life will be different. But you will find yourself just entering a new chapter in your lives. Hang in there!

 

[Dan Murphy]

...DS going off to college....

...DD goes off to college in 4 years.....

Yikes, Vija, time sure does fly.

Wait until they are off and married and the grandkids start coming. All wonderful experiences ahead, but I guess I am pushing the clock to fast there, Vija, LOL.

I do recall your current days though, and yes, they can be tough. 's But all in the plan.

 

[Riverhill]

Our DD moved into her dorm July 11 on her 18th bday. I have missed her so much. One thing that has help is she has agreed to call or text me once a day at her convince. She can maintain her independence and I can maintain my sanity. Some time it is just a call to say hi on her way to class other times she has called when she is having a stressed out moment.

I have always known the my role as mom was a limited time engagement but I sure have loved every minute.

 

[StephMK]

Argh, this thread is making me a little teary! I went through this last year and DD19 is headed back next Thursday. I will miss her again so much but it has been such a good year for her. I thought I'd be more ready to send her back but it's been really easy having her home this summer.

OP, I know what you mean about realizing we are also getting older. I really am not dealing well with that either!

I also cried all through her senior year and at orientation. It was almost a relief to finally move her in and stop anticipating the transition. We still have 2 at home but it makes me realize how quickly it'll go for the next ones. It's definitely not the same when she's gone, she brings a lot of energy to the house!

Good luck, I'll be thinking of all of you going through it this year & will pass some virtual tissues!

 

[tar heel]

It's hard OP, but you'll get through it because you know this is what he's supposed to be doing and what you want him to be doing. I have a very clear memory of walking into my parents' bedroom a few days before I went to college and finding my very country dad sitting on the bed crying. I totally did not understand what he was feeling then.

Our youngest started college last year, and I was more emotional in the days leading up to him leaving than I was the day we moved him in (not that I didn't shed a few tears). I think it's because my husband plays in a band and had a show that night, so we had something to do. We've really enjoyed having DS home this summer, and I'm starting to feel a pang in my heart because he's leaving next weekend. He's so happy at school, though, and he loves his university (my alma mater) just like I did and do.

 

[ILUVALASKA]

Totally feel your pain. My son is an only child and went across the country for college. We don't see him from Aug. 22 until Dec. 20! I was a mess the first few months of his freshman year. I missed him and I missed his friends running through the house. My husband and I stumbled into a dog rescue group and we both went back to school for grad work. Skype will be your friend!

 

[LisaR]

Add me to the list! DD leaves on Thursday. I will miss her like crazy and it is just so hard to imagine our home without her in it.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

OK, all of your posts are making me cry harder! DS just came and said good night with a kiss and hug. Usually I have to hunt him out at night because I usually go to bed first, but tonight he found me first.

I appreciate the virtual tissues and am sending them on to all of us sending off our kids to college...

 

[LisaR]

OK, all of your posts are making me cry harder! DS just came and said good night with a kiss and hug. Usually I have to hunt him out at night because I usually go to bed first, but tonight he found me first.

I appreciate the virtual tissues and am sending them on to all of us sending off our kids to college...

Awwwww!

My DD is genuinely a really nice kid, but she has been above and beyond wonderful for the past month. I've told her that I have read about kids becoming nasty in the final months which makes going away easier for both the parents and the child. I begged her to be mean to me! Instead, she is being so sweet which is just making it harder. Kids!

 

[kellyg403]

I was in your shoes when my oldest went to college also. He was only going to be 3 hours away and was actually living with my mom and dad so its not like he was 'alone'. But like another posted, I missed his presence so much. I missed his friends coming through the front door at 10 on Friday night. I miss big dinners where it felt like Thanksgiving everyday. He was a man of a few words, and still is, but his absence was definitely felt. He did well, and now 10 years later he is a married man with 3 wonderful children. He didn't use his degree but is a Deputy Sheriff, something he wanted to do forever and a day.

Oddly, child 2,3 it wasn't so bad. And then child #4 went to college. She was the one who was involved in everything she could be involved in. Sr year we felt like we were on the road all year long! I read more books sitting in parking lots waiting for her activity bus! I missed very much those times after I picked her up, going through a drive thru and just talking away. She evolved in a wonderful young lady and is now in her Sr year.

You will always be sad at the passing of this phase. It takes my breath away sometimes when my children and grandchildren are here and my ds, 28, does something or looks a certain way and I remember him vividly at 7 yo. I don't think we ever forget those moments.

Kelly