Having a 2nd child (Advice from parents requested)

[HACAM]

I have a friend who asked her doctor, 'what is the absolute best thing I can do for my child?'

He replied, "honestly? Have another child and give them a sibling."

As a parent of three, I truly believe that. The good news is that it does get easier. While we all tend to obsess over our first, we learn to relax more with additional children. After a while, they raise themselves Seriously, my third (and my three are less than 4 years apart) is the easiest-going, happy little guy. Sure he has his moments, but he is just a neat little person.

The adjustment is hard at first - because you are used to obsessing (sp?) over your child. When you have to divide your time between two, it will be really hard. But the sooner you do it, the easier it is-- they always remember being 'part of a family' rather than 'a bro/sis came along and ruined my good thing'.

go for it!

I totally agree, as a mother of 3 myself. Well said!

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I wanted to share my perspective. I'm due in July with my 2nd DD. My 1st DD is 3 1/2 yrs old. My first pregnancy was difficult. I had lots of issues with blood pressure from 30 weeks on and was hospitalized quite a bit for strict bed rest. My DD was a dream baby, never really cried, but did wake every 3 hours to eat for about 4-5 months. I was a mess without sleep...I realize now that I had a bit of PPD. I loved my daughter but I never could shake the despair/overwhelmed feeling. I don't think I felt normal until my daughter was about 8 months old.

Now I always wanted 2 children but if you had asked me back then I couldn't of even imagined two children..forget it. My hands were full and there was no way I could handle my life with any more tasks.

I think when my daughter turned 2 - 2 1/2, I started thinking it was a possibility. Don't get me wrong I still have moments of dread when I think about the sleepless nights coming..but I least I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So basically, don't feel rushed into the second, wait until you feel like "ok I think I can handle this" It won't be 100%, I think everyone has doubts..but you need to get a good firm handle on your life with the first one before you throw more on yourself.

I'm 37 by the way..I turned 34 right after I had my DD. Good luck!!!

 

[NY Disney fan]

I am so grateful for everyone's perspectives. You have no idea how helpful each person's response is to me. I am starting to feel like its ok to wait a little bit and spend time with my dd before I tackle anything else. I feel good about that.

 

[FayeW]

OP, I don't know your whole story, but it sounds to me that you have to make some changes with your personal schedule before you will be ready for another baby. I don't know how far you commute to work each day, but there should be absolutely no reason to get up at 4:30 in the morning to be to work for 8:00 am! Surely there is something you can do differently in your morning routine so you can get more rest! If the commute is THAT long that it takes you 3.5 hours to get ready/take child to sitter/get to work, then, seriously, you should be looking at a change of address instead of another baby. You are exhausted, and by the sounds of it, not getting much quality time with the child you already have. Something has to change.

 

[Grendalynn]

I posted a very similar question about a year ago. I just looked and it was exactly a year ago on the 18th. The only difference being that I was pregnant with #3.... I had posted before this same question about weather or not to go ahead and try for #3. Needless to say, we tried and we succeeded!! This may be a little lengthy, but relative life experiences, I hope you'll read it all...??

DS#1 is 8 in April and DS#2 is 4 next week - Those are pretty spread out and managable!! there is 3.5 years between all my boys. And all children were/are planned I might add. When DS7 was just less than a year i knew I was going to have an only child. I hated being pregnant - no complications, just hated it. I was over weight (gained 60+ lbs) after, money was tight, DS never slept, I was bored out of my mind and had Post Partum Depression. Even into the early toddler years I said 1 was enough. Mind you my first 2 baby's were over 9 1/2lbs each, Labor was a nightmare - No c-section here.

Then I started to think about it. I always imagined myself sitting on the living room floor with a lap full (could be 2, could be 4...) of loving kids. I loved DS so much and loved the feeling it gave me when he threw his arms around my neck for the first time and said, "I wuv you mommy" !! There are not word to explian how that feels. You will soon find out once your little one grows.

I have a 4.5 month old myself. And in hind sight and going though it all 3 times, I can't image getting pregnant again and having 2 kids just over a year apart. It may work for some, but not me. Enjoy your little one while he/she is young. Enjoy and relish in every little and new thing. Yes, lack of sleep sucks - point blank. I know, my 4 years old still doesn't sleep thru the night 100% of the time. DS8 was out of way out diapers and in preschool 3 days a week when ds4 came along. This gave me a chance to have my time with #2 like I had with #1. Same for #3.

I am a working mom and understand about the morning routine. We do the same thing, just not so early. Some days we are right on time and others we are late. And trust me when I say - It gets easier as they get older and more self sufficient!! I chalk it up to the fact that they are only little for so long and soon enough these days are gone and you can't get them back. And how time flies.

Take it easy, relax, go to bed early, enjoy your little one and take it one day at a time. I hope thsi is helpful!?

 

[Grendalynn]

I am so grateful for everyone's perspectives. You have no idea how helpful each person's response is to me. I am starting to feel like its ok to wait a little bit and spend time with my dd before I tackle anything else. I feel good about that.

Absolutly! In our house, Our kids come first. Youare still fresh and new at being a Mommy, give it some time for all things to fall into place; physically, mentally or otherwise!

 

[suffolkprincess]

I went to my ob/gyn yesterday for my annual... I am 34, and I have one DD (4) and have had one miscarriage (the babies would have been right at 21/2 years apart had I not miscarried our second child.) OK-- so I am fully recovered from the miscarriage now, and have gotten much healthier over the past year (lost weight, started eating better etc.-- for me and my family, not for preconception reasons.) And... I still have a really stressful job, a long (hour) commute, and find the logistics of managing the job, commute, and our home life to be exhausting. But manageable. We have a GREAT equilibrium, routines that work for everyone, and we have a lot of fun together. Its not perfect by any means, and God forbid either Mommy or Daddy drops a ball somewhere because its a delicate balance, but we are a very happy family. I feel very blessed. OK-- so that is where I am when I go to the ob/gyn yesterday. We discussed conception at and after 35 very candidly. She told me that its just one of those things were a line got drawn in the samd because there needed to be a line-- 35 is where the benefits of an amniocentesis outweigh the risks of having it done. That's IT. That's the only reason 35 sticks in our heads as a magic number. Its also a point on the fertility curve where the downswing begins, BUT: in a room of 300 women over 35 *1* of them will have a baby with chromosonal problems. And only a few of those women will be diagnosed with fertility problems....

So, it took me 6 months to conceive DD at 29. It might take a year of trying to conceive another baby if I wait to try until I am 35. But then-- my second baby was conceived after 2 months of trying and I was 32 then. As much as they know about pregnancy, prenatal care, genetics, and fertility there is SO MUCH more that they do not know.

Do NOT underestimate the importance of having a calm and balanced life for yourself. I feel VERY VERY strongly that the Dr someone else posted about, who said "the best thing you can do is have another child" is WRONG. The best thing you can do for your child is to be a happy, balanced, peaceful mom with all of your mental health and energy available for parenting. Children of women with depression and other mental health issues suffer for it. You seem very overwhelmed-- and I KNOW how that feels-- and I do NOT mean that feeling overwhelmed and tired = mental health problems. But it could happen. Wait til you feel less overwhelmed (and with parenting THAT is one of those sliding scale things-- you always feel a *little* overwhelmed!)

 

[shelemm]

You say that you have a multitude of reasons for wanting a second child: but there is only one reason to ever have a second child, because both you and your DH really want one, and that you can't imagine your life being complete without another child.

If you are having serious doubts, then a second child can complicate your life in so many ways that you never considered before. 2 parents and one child is easy. 2 children can change everything.

Do it for selfish reasons, do it for love, but don't do it for your first child or for whatever your life might be like years from now.


Remember: if you put it off because of your doubts, you can always change your mind later. The other way around, I'm not so sure.

 

[NY Disney fan]

OP, I don't know your whole story, but it sounds to me that you have to make some changes with your personal schedule before you will be ready for another baby. I don't know how far you commute to work each day, but there should be absolutely no reason to get up at 4:30 in the morning to be to work for 8:00 am! Surely there is something you can do differently in your morning routine so you can get more rest! If the commute is THAT long that it takes you 3.5 hours to get ready/take child to sitter/get to work, then, seriously, you should be looking at a change of address instead of another baby. You are exhausted, and by the sounds of it, not getting much quality time with the child you already have. Something has to change.

I agree with you 100% but this schedule is only temporary. Thank goodness! I have no intention of doing the 4:30am wakeup for very long.

Ironically though my body is getting used to it and I even wake up at this time on Saturdays! (when I don't need to).

 

[NY Disney fan]

Grendalynn:

Our children are only 2 days apart! My dd was born on 9/30/06.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I myself am an only child. I am also a mother of 3.

I get so irritated when I hear statements that make it sound like you are doing your child an injustice by not having more than one. Personally, I am more than fine with being an only and have never felt slighted in any way by not having a sibling. My parents said I never once asked for a brother or sister. I was just fine with things the way they were. I am very very close to both of my parents. I have a better relationship with them than most of my friends with siblings had/have with their parents. So there is a give and take there. Having a sibling for your child doesn't guarantee them anything. There are siblings who are as close as can be and always have a wonderful and special relationship and there are siblings who do not speak at all and have nothing but resentment for one another. You can't know which situation you are going to get.

I'm the opposite - I am the oldest of 3 children and the mother of an only child by choice. I am not very close to my brother or sister - no ill will or anything, just geography and in-laws coming between us. We catch up on holidays, but that's about it. Like you said, there are no guarantees in life.
My DS is 3 and I can't imagine our family any other way. It works for us, but for some reason people think it's perfectly OK to tell me how I am harming my son by not giving him a sibling. I had considered it only because I thought I was "supposed to", but in reality I really didn't want another one. I figured I would rather regret not having a second than the opposite. I also suffered from terrible PPD (not Brooke Sheilds bad, but bad) and I can't imagine going through that again with a newborn AND an older sib.

Like everyone said, have another one because you WANT to, not becuase of pressure or guilt...and don't feel bad about either decision you make. I would say your DD is too young (and you are probably still too hormonal) to make a decision as LIFE CHANGING as adding to your family. Enjoy your time with your DD now, you will NEVER get this time back!

 

[shellyfive]

everyone of us here has great stories about our own family decisions, but only you walk in your shoes, so you ultimately have to decide what is right for you......I come from the other end of the spectrum.....we often get stopped and asked "are these all your kids??" Yes, they are!! I delivered all 5 of them myself with all the pregnancy complications you read about in books---my life is for the most part a wonderful everychanging zoo----would I ever wish for something else, no.....but many have said they would never want to replace me!!! Everyone's life story is different, and ultimately whatever you decide to do will be ok.....because you will see to it that it is..........that's the ultimate joy of being a mommy!!

Best wishes to you

 

[allysmom1218]

Don't let your age be a big reason to hurry up and have another baby. I had my 1st DS at age 18, and a DD at age 20. I thought my baby days were all over because my Dh at the time got a vasectomy. (now he is my xhusband) My DH and I got a divorce when I was 33 after being together for almost 16 years. I met a younger man that had never been married with no children on a blind date and ended up marrying him 9 months later. Needless to say, I told my new DH (age 21) that my baby days were well and over, I really didn't want anymore children and my DH was totally OK with that!!! Oh, well, we were married for 4 years and started thinking about having a baby (because the marriage was going great and I really thought he deserved to have a child of his own after helping me to raise my other 2 who were 15 and 13 when we got married). Well I got pregnant the first month we tried (boy was I surprised, after 18 years). I was 38 when I got pregnant and 39 when I delivered our DD who is going to be 3 in April. Of course it was a huge adjustment for me, but it was worth every bit of the being sick and uncomfortable while being pregnant. Sure there can be complications due to your age while pregant, but I know alot of women who are waiting later and later to have children due to their careers or just marrying late. I am also an only child. I always wanted a brother or a sister but just never worked out for me to get one. When I got older, I knew deep down that I would probrably have atleast 2 kids but I sure never thought I would have 3!!! I just really wanted to say......Don't rush your decision about having a 2nd child......enjoy the one you have, you still have plenty of time for your life to calm down so when you do have a 2nd child you can enjoy both your children. Remember that children are GIFTS and they are to be TREASURED!!!!!

 

[Disney Fanatic]

We have a 6 year old and recently had twins.

All I can say is it is definately double (in our case triple) the work.

People would tell me it is easier with the 2nd and in our case, 2nd and third but I honestly cannot see how????

I am sure glad we waited until now to have the twins because we had time to really, really enjoy with our son.

Now he is so much more independent and we are able to have the time to dedicate to the twins.

I know alot of people like to have their kids close together but I am on the opposite side of the fence.

It just sounds like to me from what you say that you should wait until you feel ready or else you may find yourself overwhelmed with two.

Good Luck with your decision.

 

[Grendalynn]

Grendalynn:

Our children are only 2 days apart! My dd was born on 9/30/06.

Nice! Its a great time of year - Fall is my favorite season! And that being sid, after knowing what it takes and entails having 2 kids and a baby - I would wait a little bit before conceiveing, or tying to concieve again! You can always practice!

 

[barbmouse]

my thoughts.................
your dd is a baby. I could not even imagine having a second child at that exhausting stage of babyhood. By the time my first child turned 2 I was ready and became preg when she was 2.5. My dks are 3 y 4 months apart and for us it felt like our ds made our family complete. Our family is perfect FOR US! I agree with other posters ..no one can decide what is best for your family! Enjoy your baby for now.

 

[pashari]

It sounds like you really want a 2nd child, but maybe you're not ready to get started just yet. My 2 boys were born 3 years apart. We planned to have only 2 kids, so we didn't feel the need to start on the 2nd one right away. The first one was getting out of diapers and starting preschool when the 2nd one was born. I couldn't imagine having 2 babies at the same time. The boys are still close enough in age that they enjoy playing together (and fighting like normal siblings!). Right now they're playing a racing game together on the Playstation.

Don't worry too much about having the 2nd one before you turn 35. Yes, they say it's more risky to have babies after 35. But if you're healthy, don't smoke, etc. 35 is not a magic number. Talk to your doctor about having a baby after 35 and get the straight story. Above all, don't stress too much!

Don't stress over an age..... I had my first DD when I was 37 (she was a result of our first IVF). She was a very easy baby and toddler and I truly enjoyed my time alone with her. After she was born, I was in no hurry to have another even though I initially wanted more than one child.

DH, however, wanted another child and he would occassionally bring the subject up. By my 40th birthday I realized that we would really have to get on the bandwagon as IVF results decline rapidly once you hit 40 and they're not that great to begin with. So we did our 2nd IVF when I was over 40 y/o and our 2nd DD was born a month after I turned 41. Age is relative. What is one, two, or three more years in the whole scheme of things?

Having a second does make things tough. Ours are 3.5 years apart and I'm glad I waited. It was a tough adjustment for our easy going 1st DD, but I think the fact that DD#2 wasn't the best of infants and I was sooo sleep deprived had a lot to do with it. I can't say it's harder with two, but the adjustment from one child to two children is difficult and it takes about 3 months to get your groove. So be prepared to find the first 3 months hellish, but once you get your groove, life is golden. I wouldn't trade it for the world and am so happy we tried for another. DD truly loves her sibling and now that DD#2 is more alert and interactive things are magical between them.

hugs -

lisa & elena (04.11.03) and anika (09.28.06)

 

[NY Disney fan]

What is one, two, or three more years in the whole scheme of things?

Now that's an interesting question! I always think of those extra years tacked on, not at the beginning, but at the END. Meaning, how much energy will I have at 63,64,65 (not 35, 36, or 37). I really want to be there for my children when they have their own children (like my mom was there for me to help me during those crazy 3 post-partum months). What kind of condition wil I be in?

Its so important for older mothers to keep in shape and take care of their physical health so we can be of service to our ADULT children. I think those extra years make a difference.

However, I am starting to see that light that it might pay to wait a few years (at least 2) before starting again.

Everyone's responses are great!!

 

[A&CsMom]

I have a DS8.5 and a DD5. DS was colicky for 6 months, and for the first 3 months, he seemed to scream 24/7, except for the few hours he slept. By 6 months, he cried much less (of course, that's when my mat leave was over!). I hated being pregnant and didn't really have a realistic idea of what taking care of a newborn entailed, so my adjustment after DS was born was rough. DH and I thought we would not have any more children -- that is until DS was just turning 2. He had gotten much easier and actually is a wonderful child. Like my doctor told me through the colic months -- this won't last forever.

We started trying the summer DS turned 2, but things didn't "work" until almost a year later, so our children are about 3.5 year apart, which turned out working well. I was on mat leave (it's now a year here) when DS started Junior Kindergarten and that gave DD and I time to ourselves. The whole experience with DD was easier, even though she was breach and I had a c-section.

We are extremely happy we had two, but we did wait until the timing was right. We had age on our side (I was 27 with DS, 31 with DD), but I wouldn't stress too much about a year or two. I think it is more important to be ready and sure of your decision.

Now that DD just turned 5, DH and I do notice things are getting easier all the time. The children play together and for us, we like knowing they have each other.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[suffolkprincess]

Now that's an interesting question! I always think of those extra years tacked on, not at the beginning, but at the END. Meaning, how much energy will I have at 63,64,65 (not 35, 36, or 37). I really want to be there for my children when they have their own children (like my mom was there for me to help me during those crazy 3 post-partum months). What kind of condition wil I be in?

Its so important for older mothers to keep in shape and take care of their physical health so we can be of service to our ADULT children. I think those extra years make a difference.

However, I am starting to see that light that it might pay to wait a few years (at least 2) before starting again.

Everyone's responses are great!!

That is the big issue for my DH. He is turning 37 next week and he feels that he is *not* too old to care for a baby, but he doesn't want to be a truly elderly grandfather. But, 60 isn't as old as it used to be, either. It is a good point though.