Having a 2nd child (Advice from parents requested)

[rt2dz]

I don't want to read anyone's replies before answering; I want my answer to remain uninfluenced.

I have 3. Three years between #1 & #2 and a 1 1/2 years between #2 & #3. Trying for the fourth (in the interest of full disclosure).

My 2nd is very high maintance. Health issues, personality. He is W-O-R-K!! Wouldn't trade him for anything in the world though. Anyhow, it wasn't overly easy on DS#1 adding him to our lives. It meant mom & dad were gone to the hospital to take care of him, A lot. Yet, I still didn't find it that overwhelming in general. It wasn't that he didn't consume us in the first year, but that the love we have for him, just doesn't make it difficult to deal with.

My third was planned, but not quite so soon. We were still dealing with DS#2 health issues and getting our feet planted. But having them closer together was the best thing in the world. Having them close in age makes the work load a lot less. It makes handling things much easier. Not to mention with DS#2 personality, adding another one before it could cause any jealousy issues (all my children get along beautifully, minus the normal stuff) was fantastic. I also don't think that the fourth one (if we are so blessed) will cause much of a bump because he is already used to having a baby around.

We are trying for #4 because we believe (now) closer in age is better, and easier. I also want to move on in life. I like the overlapping of changing diapers v. having more months spent dealing with diapers; two in diapers is not any more difficult than one--just requires a bigger diaper bag. I want to quit lugging a diaper bag. I want to sleep in just one morning once in awhile again. Etc, etc. I also don't want to be too much older. It's harder to loose the weight, harder to get pregnant in the first place, and the chances of twins just keeps going up. I like the closeness of my kids. I like not being split in two. #2 & #3, most years, will play on the same sports teams.

Do what is best for you and your family. And that is different for each and every person/family. But, with each passing year, and with each child added, you do become a better mom--if only because you are more confident & more experienced. No matter what, kids turn out relatively normal adults, despite our best efforts.

 

[hollyb]

The first time you see your baby's face, or you hear "I love you mommy" all that bad stuff goes away. I had my 2 children 2 years 9 months apart. I have never been so tired in my life. But it has been worth every second.

I can't imagine my DS not having his little sister or the other way around.

 

[rt2dz]

Oh yeah, just remember, it does take 9 months for the second to get here from the time you get pregnant. I have so many friends who wait until they are ready to start trying. It can then be a whole two years before the baby arrives. That doesn't mean you should rush, just remember what looks impossible at 9 months, is a lot easier at 18 months.

Eventually, all kids do sleep through the night and they are all potty-trained.

OK, now I'm off to read the thread.

ETA-- I have miserable pregnancies. 9 months of 24 hour morning sickness, physical pain, limited activity, even bedrest with #2, I hate watching my body explode and once that baby gets here, I just don't care.

 

[solgent]

my first were twins, born when I was 28. we were not ready to think about more until the girls were about 2.5 or 3. youngest DD is almost exactly 4 years younger than her sisters.

I think a bigger age gap (3 years +) is SO much easier than 2 years or less. I know lots of families like it that way, but it looks like so much work to me-- and I had twins! With children so close in age they both have a lot of needs to be met, but they are not the same needs as with twins. I think it's much easier on the entire family if you can accept a bigger gap. Then the older one may be potty trained, can play on his/her own for a bit, can be a helper, is talking & able to express his/herself better. My brother's children are 2 years 2 months apart & it is very difficult. My nephew was angry at my SIL when she was pregnant and didn't have the same energy as before. He's angry now that baby takes her attention.

How many children and when is one of the most difficult decisions facing us. Best wishes to you as you sort out what's right for your family!

 

[Ilovefozzie]

We have two kids. They are a week and a half from a 5 year difference. That was partly planned. We didn't want to have 2 kids in diaper and bottles at the same time. And for us that time difference works well. LOL Although the 5th grade boys talk was overwhelming. SO wasn't ready for that.

They adore each other. They are overly protective and play together constantly.

We joke about having DD out of the house when we are 46. But we were married at 20 and parents at 21.

To the OP...slow down and enjoy your daughter while she is young. Give yourself time to breathe deeply because they grow WAY too fast. I miss those moments.

 

[surfgirl]

I feel VERY VERY strongly that the Dr someone else posted about, who said "the best thing you can do is have another child" is WRONG.

Do not tell me my opinion is WRONG. Or that my sharing of a quote of another opinion is WRONG. You want to shout at me, I'LL SHOUT BACK. An opinion is exactly that -- neither right nor wrong.

I don't have the same opinion as others, but yet I can listen to them and appreciate their views. I think this has remained a balanced and friendly discussion. Don't change that.

I think many have shared important facts about thinking you are ready, etc. Do it for the right reasons, etc. Too much good insight for me to capture it all here. Just know that I would second many of the same balanced views that others have shared. Just don't want to clog the thread

A good friend of mine always felt that her family wasn't complete and continued to save stuff for that last baby. He finally came 8 years after her first two (15 months apart). We finally concluded if you are ready to 'be done', you tend to give baby stuff away. If you hang onto it, you probably would like another sibling, consciously or unconsciously.

Unscientific ? Absolutely... but gets a little bit into your mindset.

To the OP, Are you ready to get rid of the baby things ? Or are you saving them ? THAT might tell you more than you realize!

 

[TheDizMom]

I say give yourself time to adjust to new parenthood and forget about your time table. Being a parent is hard work. It's stressful, it's emotional and you constantly question yourself, especially when you are a first time parent. You may get a little more sleep as they get older but it doesn't get any easier. You will find that the demands just change. My MIL always told me just when you think you have it all figured out your child changes and you have figure it out all over again. She would always say I am just learning how to be a parent to a 30 year old. She is right. I am just starting to learn what it means to be the mother of a 10 year old boy and an almost 6 year old girl. So my advice is take the time to enjoy the baby stage and part of the toddler stage before you add another baby to the mix. I have always felt that when the time is right God will let you know because you find out your pregnant with the next one. Trust me it doesn't get easier with 2 and you will have to learn a completely different set of tools to raise the next child, because the ones you learned with your daughter won't apply. Have fun with your daughter, try and get your rest when you can and when someone offers to help you with baby sitting or anything else TAKE THEM UP ON IT!

 

[mericletwins]

My dd is 4.5 months old, just an infant.

I am so thankful for everyone's honest responses. There is some good stuff here to read through and I have read through everyone's thoughts. My dh is great with helping out and my mom is the one who watches my dd while I work. (& yes I do pay her.lol!)

I would love to hear more thoughts. So far it seems like I might be better off waiting a little longer to have #2, although as the months roll on I might re-think my decision. I'll wait and see.

I got pregnant with number 3 when my twins were 5 months old. Although I thought I would lose my mind, I didn't. At least not permanently. Although the first couple of years are harder whenthey are close together, I think that the remaining years are probably more difficult when they are spaced out more. My three are 14 montsh apart and they all do the same things and pretty much teh same interests. They play on the same teams every other year, they like the same movies, when we go on vacation, what would interest one interests all. I have a friend who has two girls that are about 15 months apart and then 8 years later had her third. She says hands down she prefers close to spaced. Of course what works for her might not work for you.

As far as being tired, you are already tired. At least you would get it over with at once. I had horrible pregnacies and was on complete bedrest starting when the twins were 10 months old for almost 4 months. Did it stink? Yes. Everything works itself out though.

Repeating to myself "Nothing lasts forever" was a good way to get through the rough times. Looking back, those crazy sleep deprived days seem so brief in comparison. I LOVe having my kids so close together and if my Dr. hadn't strongly recommended against me having more children I would have been pregnant with #4 before #3 had turned 6 months old.

 

[kribit]

I would wait and enjoy your dd. It sounds like you are a little stressed out and stressing even more to make a decision about having another child so quickly. You will probably know in your heart when you are ready for another.

 

[scanne]

My kids are 23 months apart. I had miserable pregnancies. I was on bed rest with both kids - gestational diabete - pre-term labor. NOT FUN STUFF.

Was it easier with my 2nd? Yes and no.

1. My DD (my 2nd) took to nursing very easily and was a quiet baby. She slept very well, no colic, took naps - she was a dream baby. Now that she's a full blown toddler, forget it! She is a terror! LOL
2. My son did NOT take to nursing at all - woke up several times through the night until he was 9 months old - he is a picky eater, and so on.

But as a toddler and pre-schooler, my DS is a great kid. He's easy going, pleasant, independent, lovable and sweet. Not that my DD isn't these things, but she has a wicked temper and has crazy mood swings. If my DD had been my first, I am sure she would have been an only!

You have to do what is best for you and your family at this point in time. If you go into a 2nd pregnacy with lots of stress, it's going to be a harder pregnancy than your previous one. (This is just my opinion).

I hope you come to a decision you are happy and content with. Lots of luck!

 

[mericletwins]

We have a 6 year old and recently had twins.

People would tell me it is easier with the 2nd and in our case, 2nd and third but I honestly cannot see how????

.

You went about it backwards! I am sure going from one to three was very difficult. I did it the opposite way and with the third (14 mos younger than the twins) I would wonder why people with one baby would complain. I found it to be sooo easy.

 

[katerkat]

We finally concluded if you are ready to 'be done', you tend to give baby stuff away. If you hang onto it, you probably would like another sibling, consciously or unconsciously.

Heh - I gave all my newborn clothes to my sister (she has a very blue-dressed girl!) without any regret.

With a 4.5 month old, I'd not be thinking about siblings for her! I was still so sleep-deprived that anything I thought was a good idea was really not. The further I get from the baby stages, though, the less I want to go back. My son was an easy pregnancy and baby, but my God, he tires me more as a toddler. I don't understand how a 25-pound creature has that much energy! I do feel guilty because I do want him to have a sibling - I just don't want to be involved in something so tiring (pregnancy/newborn) when I can't even get him to sleep through the night. We're actually talking about adopting instead, though I know that won't really be any easier....just different.

 

[Camping Griswalds]

When we first had DD2, DH's comander told us that your first child is like china and the next is more like tupperware!! We thought that he was nuts, but it is true, and we say it often.

This is the best saying ever!!! Honestly it should be pattened!!!

If this pattern is true, what do we call the third? Brick or Stone... possibly GRANITE

Really I am a firm believer in not having an only child. But you sound overworked or stressed, and not really enjoying too much. We waited to have #2 until my first was three. That way they were four years apart. I would have like them closer, but some very stressful things happened along the way. My boys are a lot closer than some children who are only two years apart, so don't let that be too worrisome. Our kids bicker, not allowed to fight or we interfere BIG time. Really I think the whole fighting thing has a lot to do with parenting style. When I was young if my sister and I got out of hand, we had to kiss and make up. Nothing worse to do when all you really want to do is spit on someone!!! However it did teach both of us some control, because we learned to communicate, and if we let things not get resolved quickly we had to pay a yucky price. We threaten to make our 14 and 10 year old sit and hold hands if they get going to extremes. We only had to follow through once, and now if we threaten they either figure it out, or seperate.

I think lots of people yearn to have more than one kid, and if that is the case, I strongly encourage you to have more. However, wait. You aren't 40 deciding to have a second. Wait a year, take time to enjoy all of the little pleasures a child can bring, so that the illness, crappy pregnancy and other stress stuff is secondary. By the way my first 2 pregnancy trips were AWFUL. Third was a dream. Really I finally got the "glow" and everything. I was 23 and 27 with first two, and 35 with third (yep a surprise) Being 35 was the easiest...go figure

 

[pashari]

Now that's an interesting question! I always think of those extra years tacked on, not at the beginning, but at the END. Meaning, how much energy will I have at 63,64,65 (not 35, 36, or 37). I really want to be there for my children when they have their own children (like my mom was there for me to help me during those crazy 3 post-partum months). What kind of condition wil I be in?

Its so important for older mothers to keep in shape and take care of their physical health so we can be of service to our ADULT children. I think those extra years make a difference.

However, I am starting to see that light that it might pay to wait a few years (at least 2) before starting again.

Everyone's responses are great!!

I understand what you are saying, and sure, life for DH is sure gonna be tough when I hite 50 and DD#1 hits 13 - menopause & puberty in one household!!!!!! And an early retirement is out of the question with two in school when I'm in my late 50's.

But is 63 y/o really different than 65 y/o?? I can't even get social security until I hit 67.

I have this theory that if you can make it past your 50's it's a pretty good bet that you'll make it to 70. Every time I glance thru the obits in the paper (which is not that often) the ages are either in their 50's or in their 80's - not too many women in their 60's.

hugs & good luck in whatever choice you make....

lisa & elena (04.11.03) and anika (09.28.06)

 

[pashari]

.....you will have to learn a completely different set of tools to raise the next child, because the ones you learned with your daughter won't apply....

I have to totally agree with this one!!!! I was quite smug when DD#2 came along thinking "oh, I've BTDT it will be a breeze". WRONG!!!!!

Everything I thought I knew flew out the window as what worked for DD#1 did not work for DD#2 - in a way it was like learning to be a mom all over again...... But, once I figured it out and we "got our groove" I went back to being smug..... for the moment anyway.....

hugs -

lisa & elena (04.11.03) and anika (09.28.06)

 

[dizzienoodle]

I may see all of this from a completely different standpoint. I got pregnant at 20 with my first. My BF and I had been together since we were 15 and decided ok, we can do this.. no prob. I hated being prego, I was miserable to everyone, all the same, my son was an extremly easy baby and a joy to everyone. Fast forward two years, and oops again... I had literally just potty trained my DS and the very next day I found out I was prego again, well now It was a little hairier, being 20, unmarried, with one kid, is hard enough, being 22, unmarried, with two kids, was totally nuts, am I right? Oh well, everything happens for a reason (I am a firm believer in this statement). At six months pregnant my BF passed in a car accident. That was the single hardest thing that has ever happened to me. I moved home with my mom. My daughter was born 7 weeks early on January 1st last year, and she was 100% healthy, just a little on the teeny side at just under 5 lbs. I thought that this would be the hardest thing in the world raising two kids almost entirely on my own. BUt honestly, it wasn't. My son is old enough to helpful and yet young enough to want to play with his baby sister. I was an only child and when I watch them together, I realize I never knew how much I was missing. I know this was a little OT, but I just wanted to share my experience.

 

[lmcdo02]

We decided to wait a while for number 2 (around 2 to 3 yrs), I was also working full time, and we felt waiting a little would be better for us. Thank goodness we did! We ended up having twins! Here we're thinking, oh everything we be easy, we have all the equipment, etc. Then BAM! Oh, we need a second set of everything, our house is too small..... so on.

I really think it depends on your own situation, and if you both feel you are ready for another. Maybe wait a month or 2 and see if you still want your next child right away.