Have you ever made a life decision without telling your partner?

[GreatLakes]

No I would not. I don't care about spending $100 but anything that will affect the other or the family as a whole is discussed. I see mention of medical procedures above and asking permission about those. Something like that might be discussed but in the end each of us is responsible for our own body and will make that decision on our own. Medical procedures about our son we discuss but we decided any decision about his reproductive parts will be for me to make since I have more experience with having one myself. If we had a girl that would be reversed.

 

[Marchand63]

I find it odd and antiquated that I would be expected to discuss/ come to an agreement on things like my car and career with him. I expect a grown adult to go into decisions like that knowing that they'll have to be sure they can afford it/transport what they need to/ pay their bills/follow through on commitments. I expect adults to be able to handle themselves. I don't need DH to carry me and he doesn't need me to carry him.

I don't find it odd or antiquated - I find it respectful. My DH is my partner not just some guy that lives in our house. I respect his opinion and bounce thing off him. Do I always do what he thinks is right - Oh heck no! But he is my partner in life and as such deserves more than an open hand dismissal.

BTW would you treat a business partner like this? And you wouldn't even be sleeping with them!

 

[mamacatnv]

I bought our house without DH seeing it.
Disclaimer:
The market was very hot - DH was unable to go with me when it came onto the market at 4 pm - DD and I viewed at 6 pm, put in an offer at 8 pm. We had lost out on 5 other offers so we knew to either jump or lose.
DH had seen the same floor plan in a different neighborhood and was not opposed.

Its something our family chuckles about. We do make all significant financial decisions together and the house buying was just one of those things that happened the way it did due to timing but its still fun to poke at. "Mom bought a house Dad never saw" etc.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't find it odd or antiquated - I find it respectful. My DH is my partner not just some guy that lives in our house. I respect his opinion and bounce thing off him. Do I always do what he thinks is right - Oh heck no! But he is my partner in life and as such deserves more than an open hand dismissal.

BTW would you treat a business partner like this? And you wouldn't even be sleeping with them!

I am in total agreement. I find it odd that two people who are committed to one another would not have a discussion in regards to decisions that impact the other. There is a difference between asking permission and respecting that your spouse would be interested in knowing what was going through your mind. For instance, if I was going to change my job, there would be a reason. My DH wodul nto care what I did, but he would want to know the reason. More money? Was I unhappy? Was something wrong? Was I overwhelmed at home or work?

I bought our house without DH seeing it.
Disclaimer:
The market was very hot - DH was unable to go with me when it came onto the market at 4 pm - DD and I viewed at 6 pm, put in an offer at 8 pm. We had lost out on 5 other offers so we knew to either jump or lose.
DH had seen the same floor plan in a different neighborhood and was not opposed.

Its something our family chuckles about. We do make all significant financial decisions together and the house buying was just one of those things that happened the way it did due to timing but its still fun to poke at. "Mom bought a house Dad never saw" etc.

You made the decision to make the purchase together. He was not there at the time you sealed a deal, bu thtis was not a decision that he came home to: "Oh Husband, I just went out and bought a new home, and sold this one. Surprise!"

 

[ronandannette]

I imagine everybody has a different definition of “life decision”. I don’t consider grocery shopping or routine health concerns to require a committee. For DH and I though, being in accord is an extremely high value and since we often think and feel very differently about things, we often disagree. We could rarely ever make a big decision in isolation of the other that would be 100% satisfactory. Through experience we have made a practice of talking through every decision of significance (often at length) until we are both comfortable with a plan of action.

Sometimes we do his thing, sometimes we do mine, sometimes we compromise or change direction entirely. It helps that neither of us are particularly impulsive and do well with “process”. We also don’t feel like we have to contend for our own best interest with one another.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I don't find it odd or antiquated - I find it respectful. My DH is my partner not just some guy that lives in our house. I respect his opinion and bounce thing off him. Do I always do what he thinks is right - Oh heck no! But he is my partner in life and as such deserves more than an open hand dismissal.

BTW would you treat a business partner like this? And you wouldn't even be sleeping with them!

Would I ask a business partner if I should buy a car with my salary or improve my education? Nope. That would be weird.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I am in total agreement. I find it odd that two people who are committed to one another would not have a discussion in regards to decisions that impact the other. There is a difference between asking permission and respecting that your spouse would be interested in knowing what was going through your mind. For instance, if I was going to change my job, there would be a reason. My DH wodul nto care what I did, but he would want to know the reason. More money? Was I unhappy? Was something wrong? Was I overwhelmed at home or work?



You made the decision to make the purchase together. He was not there at the time you sealed a deal, bu thtis was not a decision that he came home to: "Oh Husband, I just went out and bought a new home, and sold this one. Surprise!"

I guess my point is that these decisions don't impact him. He doesn't drive my car or work my career or study for my exams. If it was something I expected him to be partially responsible for, like a joint mortgage, or desicisions regarding how we raise our daughter, I would consult him. But some parts of my life are my own and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Nancyg56]

I guess my point is that these decisions don't impact him. He doesn't drive my car or work my career or study for my exams. If it was something I expected him to be partially responsible for, like a joint mortgage, or desicisions regarding how we raise our daughter, I would consult him. But some parts of my life are my own and there is nothing wrong with that.

Oh I hope I did not say I think there is something wrong with this, I don't. My DH and I discuss these things. In regards to major purchases, we always make those decisions together. For years I was a stay at home Mom with no income I generated on my own, and had he ever insinuated that his salary paid for these purchases, so there was no impact to me, he would have had a major impact affect him. LOL!

 

[LovesTimone]

But there is a me..

well played...

 

[Marchand63]

Would I ask a business partner if I should buy a car with my salary or improve my education? Nope. That would be weird.

Really as a Business partner I’d be OK with you making literlaty decisions.
Bankrupt in a couple weeks

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Really as a Business partner I’d be OK with you making literlaty decisions.
Bankrupt in a couple weeks

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You ask your business partner how to spend your money from your salary? I would not be partners with someome so controlling.

And I'm not sure where bankruptcy comes into play. Nobody in my household is bankrupt.

Nobody would bat an eye at a single adult buying a car alone. Why does it matter any differently if that same person is now married? It is strange to me.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

But don't you think that is different than simply having major purchases appear in the house?. My Mom did that. She was the money manager, ran the home, and never consulted my Dad about any purchase for the home. He woudl cone home and boom! A new living room set, or dinign set was in place, and the old one in the basement. Now he did not want to know about the fridge or stove but she never even ran a thing by him, with the exception of a vehicle purchase when he was driving the vehicle, and I bet she would have handled that too, given the option. I thought it was a bit controlling, to be honest.

Did your dad feel strongly about the old one? If he doesn't care what the furniture looks like, but she does, and she wants to use her money to make the home more comfortable for her, what is that hurting?

Nobody gets up in arms if dad brings home a new tool, electronic gadget, a new mower, PS3 (or whatever is current). Why is it any diffetrent if a woman spends her money how she chooses? I'm glad my DH doesn't have this expectation and trusts that I'm a responsible adult.

 

[GreatLakes]

Did your dad feel strongly about the old one? If he doesn't care what the furniture looks like, but she does, and she wants to use her money to make the home more comfortable for her, what is that hurting?

Nobody gets up in arms if dad brings home a new tool, electronic gadget, a new mower, PS3 (or whatever is current). Why is it any diffetrent if a woman spends her money how she chooses? I'm glad my DH doesn't have this expectation and trusts that I'm a responsible adult.

I would find it extremely odd for a spouse not to discuss a major purchase like a vehicle with the other spouse. It may not be asking permission or allowing them input into what exact vehicle they buy but I wouldn't purchase anything like that without speaking to my wife first about the impact to the budget (even if it is a favorable impact) and what might change with the insurance and so on. Groceries or something for a few hundred bucks, no big deal. Thousands and likely a loan, absolutely.

 

[smiths02]

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You ask your business partner how to spend your money from your salary? I would not be partners with someome so controlling.

And I'm not sure where bankruptcy comes into play. Nobody in my household is bankrupt.

Nobody would bat an eye at a single adult buying a car alone. Why does it matter any differently if that same person is now married? It is strange to me.

I don't see it as asking permission. I read the original question as telling your partner not asking them. I can't imagine not telling my DH about a car purchase. My coworkers even knew.

Also, some people share finances with their spouse. Some other people just highly value a spouse's opinion.

 

[Tigger in a kilt]

I have one that I was inadvertently part of. A friend called me about 10pm one night a few weeks ago and said she needed help choosing a hotel in Orlando, and it had to be done that night as the sale finished as midnight. So we spent a couple of hours pulling together the package for a 2 week holiday this Christmas for her family of 4. She just got the deposit paid before midnight, at which point I said my goodbyes. As I was hanging up, she said “Oh, by the way, don’t tell my husband [who we are also close to]. He said we can’t afford it and he doesn’t want to take on more debt, but I want to go and it’s a great price.”

She is a stay at home mum, so I don’t know how she is planning on him not knowing she booked a £6000 holiday, but as of this weekend he still doesn’t know. I was furious that she had dragged me into the middle of this. I thought it was a bad idea when I thought they were both on board (since they have substantial debt, which they talk about constantly), but I think she is playing a very silly game. It will be interesting to see how it works out.

 

[Nancyg56]

Did your dad feel strongly about the old one? If he doesn't care what the furniture looks like, but she does, and she wants to use her money to make the home more comfortable for her, what is that hurting?

Nobody gets up in arms if dad brings home a new tool, electronic gadget, a new mower, PS3 (or whatever is current). Why is it any diffetrent if a woman spends her money how she chooses? I'm glad my DH doesn't have this expectation and trusts that I'm a responsible adult.

No, my dad had no feelings about the furniture, other than "his" chair. This was in the 60's and 70's, and my Mom was a stay at home Mom, and "her" money was "their" money. My Dad generated the income, and my mom managed it. My point was not whether my Dad loved his furniture and it was swooped out beneath him or not. It was not that she was using her own money, because she managed all of that funds. Her very strict budget included spending for my Dad, and she had the rest to cover the home, and whatever else was needed. Also, there was no trust issue, everyone in our home knew Mom was the best money manager on the Planet. In regards to tools, etc, my Dad told her what he needed for whatever, and she made it happen. My point was not that my Dad cared how she furnished our home, but that she never bothered to even discuss it with him. That I found odd.

In our home DH and I never need to discuss household purchases, either his or mine. We also treat each other as adults. We do discuss major purchases, and always did, even when I was not a wage earner in our home.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

No, I haven't. We are partners in this crazy life. We discuss things that are important. Heck we discuss things that aren't important.

Thankfully my husband feels the same way.

For the past 23 years, I have not worked a full time job. For the first 18 years of that time, I was a full time mother and I home educated our son. After that, I simply stayed out of the job market. This is partially due to health issues, partially because my husband likes me to be available for various other activities. It works for us. But we certainly don't have his and her bank accounts. 99% of money coming into the house comes from his salary and would be "his."

 

[Marchand63]

I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You ask your business partner how to spend your money from your salary? I would not be partners with someome so controlling.

And I'm not sure where bankruptcy comes into play. Nobody in my household is bankrupt.

Nobody would bat an eye at a single adult buying a car alone. Why does it matter any differently if that same person is now married? It is strange to me.

I’m trying to say you treat your husband less than you would treat a business partner you disrespect him and dismiss him

If I was your business partner no way I would even want to be in business with you

It’s not asking permission it’s treating your partner in life with respect just that respect if you can’t do that why have a partner Just be solo all by yourself if you can’t respect another person just be by yourself

 

[Nancyg56]

I’m trying to say you treat your husband less than you would treat a business partner you disrespect him and dismiss him

If I was your business partner no way I would even want to be in business with you

It’s not asking permission it’s treating your partner in life with respect just that respect if you can’t do that why have a partner Just be solo all by yourself if you can’t respect another person just be by yourself

I think we should agree that each couple gets to decide what kinds of decisions should be joint decisions, whichever need s little courtesy discussion, and his these purchases are going to be paid for. Just as I find I find it odd that some make major purchases like a car without discussion, some couples think that when I discuss a purchase I am asking permission.

My daughter discussed this with a coworker today. The coworker was shocked that my DD went car shopping without her DH, chose her vehicle, and then asked him if he wanted to see it before she bought it. She almost died when the coworker said that the dh should pick it out because he bought it for her! My DD was still laughing after work.

Now DD and DSIL have an awesome relationship and it is based on trust and respect, but their way would not work for my DH and me. IN our case DH practically had to drag me kicking and screaming to shop for my car, wanted to buy the first one I drive, was towed with me for weeks until he finally said pick one! And then ended up where we started from and say in shock while I negotiated the cost, the extras, and gave my line in the sand. I drove the car, which is in my name home and he has made every payment as well as the down payment. You see, I did not want s new car, abhor payments, and loved my poor old Highlander. He also generates way more money than I do, and knew if I was going to pay for it I would insist on used.

My DD and DSIL would have tossed in thd towel long before my DH did! Lol!!

We all have our thing and if it works for us, I think it’s rude to say that it’s disrespectful.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I’m trying to say you treat your husband less than you would treat a business partner you disrespect him and dismiss him

If I was your business partner no way I would even want to be in business with you

It’s not asking permission it’s treating your partner in life with respect just that respect if you can’t do that why have a partner Just be solo all by yourself if you can’t respect another person just be by yourself

I have a partner to share the journey of life with. He is my friend and my family. A car is...just a car. I think you are putting way too much emotion into this. We are both comfortable with the way our marriage works and nobody is dismissed...it is just that we don't care about things like what car my partner buys with his money (and vice versa). But we've only been married 14 years so I guess we don't know yet how it will work out...