Have you been disowned by a family member?

[izzy]

I'm sorry for you and your family.

I can tell you though it mostly some kinda nonsense, something that he perceives as a slight, or you didn't bow down and kiss his feet and that of his family, and fawn all over them. Been there... and completely over it.

You just 100% described my brother. I’m sorry you had to go thru it, too. It‘s actually kind of a relief for me not to have to hear about all of his self-created drama, but I know my mom is hurting over it so I hurt for her.

 

[The Mayor]

My brother disowned us January of 2016. My mom was devastated, and since I saw the writing on the wall, I wasn’t surprised. Too much to write about, it just still shocks me that he could do that.

Fast forward to present day, my DD24 disowned us and we haven’t seen her in over a year. Again to much to write about, let’s just say her husband is very controlling and a mind manipulator and therefore my DD is now brainwashed. We’ve tried and tried to get through to her, but it just kept pushing her farther away. So now all I do is pray for her, my DGS2yrs old (haven’t seen him since he was 10 months) and my DGD 7 months (never saw her - we weren’t even told when she was born) and ask God to bless them and keep them happy & healthy.

This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and I sincerely hope your daughter finds her way back to you. I couldn’t imaging being estranged from one of my children.

 

[ronandannette]

Me too! But then I was "reowned" about 33 years later LOL- its all good, was great knowing my birth family after all those years and finding out exactly why they ditched me but I for sure had a better life with my adoptive family.

I think that the feeling an adopted child has, even if the adoption is successful and the childhood happy, is something far deeper than the feeling of being disowned. We live with that initial rejection all our lives.

This is obviously a very personal experience for everyone - not all adopted people feel any one kind of way, and each one's feelings are valid. Personally, I don't share the perception of trauma. Comments like the bolded above, while again, are valid for that individual, strike me as startling and painful and entirely wrong in describing my situation. I hope everyone carrying wounds of this kind has/gets support and finds peace.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I couldn’t imaging being estranged from one of my children.

That's what broke my mom with my sister disowning her when my sister was 18. Unfortunately I was left with the fallout and my mom's choice to make me the burden of all her stuff at age 15 (newly as in only a few weeks in) is primarily responsible for my own issues with my mother. Other issues also that had to have been passed down to my mom from her own mom (like body shaming).

It would be really easy to blame my sister for essentially imploding my world but I don't and never have. She has her reasons and I know more than anything how it was to be around our parents. She just chose the path of least resistance, I the opposite. Both of our decisions have their own consequences.

For my mom I can only hope she realizes how destructive her behavior, actions, words have been. The more my mom harasses me via letters, texts, facebook messages, going through my husband to reach me on non-critical things (I call my aunt being diagnosed with lung cancer critical, I do not call "I had a dream about you last night" critical) and even going so far as finances (via paying off a student loan she co-signed on but never has touched when I declined to answer her frivolous messages) which made my husband very uncomfortable and me as well, the less I want to do anything about it.

Some people do well with olive branches. Some don't. My mom unfortunately is just repeating the cycle she did with my sister all those years ago and doesn't realize the outcome may very well be the same. Estrangement however is never easy on anyone's part no matter what someone says. It's usually one of the hardest most painful decisions one can make and it's not without its ripple affects to many people.

 

[Jangles]

not all adopted people feel any one kind of way, and each one's feelings are valid.

I absolutely agree with this. I am in absolute awe of the amazing adoptive parents in the world. I suppose I was just trying to point out that there is a difference between disowning or being disowned by family as an adult and the rejection, even with good intentions, of one’s child. I am not explaining this at all well, so I am going to shut up.

 

[SC Minnie]

My mother wasn't 'disowned' but she was treated unfairly. At some point in the 70's my parents had gotten a loan from my grandfather (mom's father). She had paid him back every penny with interest. In the mid 90's she took care of her mother has she was dying with a brain tumor and took care of her father for 3 years after he as diagnosed with Alzheimer's and couldn't live alone. He had changed his will in the 70's to deduct the loan amount from her share of the inheritance and he never updated it so she got less than her brothers that didn't raise a finger to take care of their parents in the last years.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

My brother disowned us January of 2016. My mom was devastated, and since I saw the writing on the wall, I wasn’t surprised. Too much to write about, it just still shocks me that he could do that.

Fast forward to present day, my DD24 disowned us and we haven’t seen her in over a year. Again to much to write about, let’s just say her husband is very controlling and a mind manipulator and therefore my DD is now brainwashed. We’ve tried and tried to get through to her, but it just kept pushing her farther away. So now all I do is pray for her, my DGS2yrs old (haven’t seen him since he was 10 months) and my DGD 7 months (never saw her - we weren’t even told when she was born) and ask God to bless them and keep them happy & healthy.

I am so very sorry this is happening in your family. As I've aged ,I encounter many more persons than I could have imagined ,with similar stories.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

My grandfather ( who passed away late 70's) set in motion something that still resonates in my family. His adult daughter, married with 4 young children took her own life. When her husband reached out after her funeral, my grandfather had words and all contact was lost. My big loving family on my dad's side not only lost a daughter, sister, aunt but so many of us younger ones lost an uncle and 4 cousins whom we were close to. I can't begin to imagine what their feelings of loss must have felt too. Fast forward about 20+ yrs ago and we had a reunion, so to say, at a restautant and some of the cousins showed up and then one of them tried to stay in touch but we do not see or hear from anyone again. My last invitation to them was for my daughter's graduation. I received no reply. I had just seen them a few months prior and had spoken that a graduation party was occuring so I had hoped they didn't think the invite was a $grab because it certainly was not.
One thing that stood out to me was this: even though we were family and we did all we could to be friendly and attentive, we simply could not make up for all the lost times. How may times when families get together do we talk of past events? Alot I assume, like we do. I always felt bad that they knew they missed those times. We could not undo something ( my grandfather's words) that took place SO many years ago.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

I unfortunately have a few experiences as well. In my adoptive family, once my mom passed away, we were disowned. Not because we were adopted (which is my sisters perception) but because my aunt and uncle wanted our share of their inheritance from their parents. I’ve always been a hard worker and pretty good with my money. All they had to do was explain the situation to me and I probably would’ve just given them my share (about $7,000). It was hard to reconcile how little they valued my relationship with them.

As an adoptee, I didn’t feel rejected from my birth mother at the time of my birth. I can’t imagine how hard that choice was for her, and I am truly happy with the life I’ve been given and built for myself. However, I do feel rejected when I tried to have a conversation or meeting with her 45 years later and she adamantly declined. I realize it’s not personal but it is still hard to process.

 

[wenrob]

Would you like a list? Only half kidding. It’s probably easier for my DH and I to list the handful of people in our families we still talk to. At first I thought “maybe I’m the problem” but as time has gone on I realize somewhere along the line whether consciously or subconsciously we put the brakes on generational trauma and toxicity in the name of “family.” I love and miss some of them very much but I’m just at a point in my life where I refuse to be an emotional punching bag anymore. They’re not allowed to do that to me ever again. I don’t care how much DNA we share.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Would you like a list? Only half kidding. It’s probably easier for my DH and I to list the handful of people in our families we still talk to. At first I thought “maybe I’m the problem” but as time has gone on I realize somewhere along the line whether consciously or subconsciously we put the brakes on generational trauma and toxicity in the name of “family.” I love and miss some of them very much but I’m just at a point in my life where I refuse to be an emotional punching bag anymore. They’re not allowed to do that to me ever again. I don’t care how much DNA we share.

This is where I'm at, so completely with you! The cycle has to stop somewhere sometime

I have really come to understand how things my grandparents did, my parents did, my aunts/uncles have done that trickled its way down. It's freeing in a way to realize it although no less sad in a way too.

 

[Kimkimba]

Pretty much my whole family. I was super close to my parents but after they died I didn’t need all the drama.

But we are very close to my husband’s side.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Thankfully I have not been disowned by a family member, but disappointed by one. Being an only child, my first-cousins are the closest thing I have. My cousin (with whom I was very close growing up), seems to have become "too important" for me over the last several years.

She married some guy several years ago and pretty much has become exclusively interested in them. She has a very rocky relationship with her father (my dad's brother), her mother is deceased and she seems to take all her animosity out on her father's side of the family. It breaks my heart because at one time I considered us to be best friends. Now she pretty much "mails it in" when it comes to our relationship. She lives like an hour away and I literally have not seen her in probably 4 years. Anytime we are in the same place at the same time, she is too busy yadda yadda. In fact, her son lives right here in town with me, but she NEVER bothers calling me or texting me when she is in town. I see her on Facebook and she is always doing something with her "in-laws" and the remaining first cousins (another one and myself) are a mere afterthought at best. I know I am not special in this in that she treats our other first cousin (also an only child) the same way. Thankfully my other remaining first cousin is somebody I have a good relationship with and see sometimes even though she lives further away all the way in Ohio.

Yea this is definitely a touch subject.

 

[robinb]

I think I've been disowned by my aunt and my cousin. I've reached out to them a few times and have been met with silence. The other cousin still talks to me.

It was all over a house that was, unbeknownst to me, co-owned by my mom and her brother. I found out that my uncle's family were co-owners of the house after it was sold and they were doing a title search. My mom had been a hoarder and her house was a disaster after she died. For reasons I don't want to go into, my sister was not able to help me clean it out. I hired a company called BioOne to the tune of $15,000 to clear the house. It took 8 full days of 8-12 per day and I worked alongside of them every day. I had to drive 150 miles to make the house ready for sale and had to stay in a hotel and eat in restaurants. Luckily, I saved all the receipts. My expenses (BioOne, hotel, meals, gas, tolls, house insurance, utilities, 80 hours of my time) were approximately $21,000 all-in.

The closing of the house was set for late December when I had a WDW/Florida trip planned. My lawyer was going to be at the closing and emailed me the closing documents on the day we were flying to Florida. Here's where things went a little sideways. She took my expenses off the top along with 2 liens on the house: one a $20,000 judgement for a credit card and another for a $1200 fine for not mowing the lawn. If I had seen that before, I would have told my lawyer that the credit card was our side of the family's responsibility. The fine was a toss-up as far as I was concerned as none of us mowed the lawn, lol. My cousin and his wife attended the closing because they objected to paying me for my expenses. I got a phone call while in Florida that they were refusing to sign off on the closing. I agreed to take the fine and the credit card judgement on my side but I was not going to eat my expenses to ready the house for sale. There was no way the house would have sold for a fraction of the amount if it had not been professionally cleared. I did end up giving in for a couple of thousand just to get things done, all from a Publix parking lot. I know they thought I was trying to screw them but I was not. I just wanted to be reimbursed for my real expenses (complete with receipts) and for the 80+ hours I spent readying the house for sale while they were completely off the hook for everything. I sent my cousin an email explaining my side of things, apologizing for the credit card confusion, and that I would have loved to have them help prepare the house.

That was the last time I heard from them. I have reached out a couple of times. I arranged to go see my aunt before Covid with my cousin who still talks to me. I was going to drive 3+ hours to see her and she cried off at the last minute. I sent all 3 members of the family college graduation announcements for our daughter back in 2021. Crickets from 2 of them. Oh well. I guess I'll keep on trying.

 

[Living42Day]

I can't get into it all, it is utterly ridiculous. But - yes, I have disowned someone. I made the right choice and forgave her in my heart (and forgave, and forgave, and forgave) but toxicity needs to be cut out at some point before it destroys.

One of her lesser evils is stealing anything I put on my grandmother's grave. I created a wood carved figure, really beautiful and took a lot of work to carve and paint and waterproof. It was allegedly thrown away (third hand info, it's not there anymore so who knows). She took my wreath that I made. Took another sign I placed there commemorating my grandmother, grandfather, and their two sons who had passed away. All of this over the course of two years. It's not that she wants the graves completely clear, it's just that it was placed there by me or my immediate family. Her dollar store trinkets that are mostly broken are still there, I wouldn't even dare touch them because it's wrong.

Oh well, if that is how she gets her jollies I guess she can keep doing it. I'm sure my grandma is up in Heaven getting a kick out of how ridiculous it is.

 

[tvguy]

No fortunately.

 

[lisaviolet]

our mom got older, it was became more and more difficult for her to do things. So, my brother moved in with her to help take care of her and the house. I and my wife lived too far away to do much other than what we could from a distance. When our mom died, the will did leave the house to both my brother and me. My wife and I both agreed that my brother deserved and earned the other half of the house. We "sold" it to him for $1.00. He and his new wife still live in the house.

How absolutely beautiful Kennywood.

 

[slo]

This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and I sincerely hope your daughter finds her way back to you. I couldn’t imaging being estranged from one of my children.

Thank you for your post - I pray for this everyday.

I am so very sorry this is happening in your family. As I've aged ,I encounter many more persons than I could have imagined ,with similar stories.

Thank you also for your post.
I agree, more and more families are like this and it’s very sad.

 

[MimitoAlex]

I think I've been disowned by my aunt and my cousin. I've reached out to them a few times and have been met with silence. The other cousin still talks to me.

It was all over a house that was, unbeknownst to me, co-owned by my mom and her brother. I found out that my uncle's family were co-owners of the house after it was sold and they were doing a title search. My mom had been a hoarder and her house was a disaster after she died. For reasons I don't want to go into, my sister was not able to help me clean it out. I hired a company called BioOne to the tune of $15,000 to clear the house. It took 8 full days of 8-12 per day and I worked alongside of them every day. I had to drive 150 miles to make the house ready for sale and had to stay in a hotel and eat in restaurants. Luckily, I saved all the receipts. My expenses (BioOne, hotel, meals, gas, tolls, house insurance, utilities, 80 hours of my time) were approximately $21,000 all-in.

The closing of the house was set for late December when I had a WDW/Florida trip planned. My lawyer was going to be at the closing and emailed me the closing documents on the day we were flying to Florida. Here's where things went a little sideways. She took my expenses off the top along with 2 liens on the house: one a $20,000 judgement for a credit card and another for a $1200 fine for not mowing the lawn. If I had seen that before, I would have told my lawyer that the credit card was our side of the family's responsibility. The fine was a toss-up as far as I was concerned as none of us mowed the lawn, lol. My cousin and his wife attended the closing because they objected to paying me for my expenses. I got a phone call while in Florida that they were refusing to sign off on the closing. I agreed to take the fine and the credit card judgement on my side but I was not going to eat my expenses to ready the house for sale. There was no way the house would have sold for a fraction of the amount if it had not been professionally cleared. I did end up giving in for a couple of thousand just to get things done, all from a Publix parking lot. I know they thought I was trying to screw them but I was not. I just wanted to be reimbursed for my real expenses (complete with receipts) and for the 80+ hours I spent readying the house for sale while they were completely off the hook for everything. I sent my cousin an email explaining my side of things, apologizing for the credit card confusion, and that I would have loved to have them help prepare the house.

That was the last time I heard from them. I have reached out a couple of times. I arranged to go see my aunt before Covid with my cousin who still talks to me. I was going to drive 3+ hours to see her and she cried off at the last minute. I sent all 3 members of the family college graduation announcements for our daughter back in 2021. Crickets from 2 of them. Oh well. I guess I'll keep on trying.

I personally would not waste my time, why you wonder. Your daughter did not do anything to them, and for them to act this way is complete nonsense, why would they take it out on her. I would never let someone treat my daughter in this manner.

If you really stop and look at it, they were screwing you over, you did all the work, paid out of you own pocket to make the most money in the sale of the house in which they greatly benefited, and did not raise a finger to help, and they did not want to compensate you for it. Yet sat there wanting more... greedy... just plain Nonsense!

The lawn should have been split between the 2 families.

They felt they had the upper hand because you were on a well deserved holiday, so they took advantage of the situation.

 

[shh]

So sorry for everyone's experiences in this thread. I often wonder how many more family estrangements have occurred as a direct result of all the anger and social media fighting since 2020 over politics, masks, vaccines, fake news, etc. That had to take a huge toll alone, as so many immature people these days seem unable to maintain relationships with anyone who dares to hold a differing opinion or perspective.